# General > General Chat >  Joke of the day.

## Sarge47

My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it. :Big Grin: 

FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good.  But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."  :EEK!:  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):  :Big Grin:  :Cool:

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## Ridge Wolf

> My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.
> 
> FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good. But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."


Yuk Yuk..  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:

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## Riverrat

oh that is bad, thanks, needed a laugh this morning.

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## Ole WV Coot

Logical, makes sense to me.

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## crashdive123

The problem was that they were using hunting dogs.  You can throw Cihuahua's much higher.

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## trax

Yeah, we're all laughing, but is the dog???? Thanks Sarge  :Big Grin:

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## dragonjimm

my turn :Big Grin: 



Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. 
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." 

The Chief nodded in agreement. 
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, 
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, 
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend 
all day hunting and fishing; all night dancing." 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 
"Only white man dumb enough 
think he improve system like that."



hee hee no offense meant to anyone but i thought i thought it was funny

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## klkak

Thats a good one Dragonjimm.

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## Ridge Wolf

*Wilderness Comments*

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

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## Sam Reeves

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me There was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards Was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I Immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
Voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
The best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
Of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug it disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (you see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy Is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I SUGGESTED SCIENTIFICALLY.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not In labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just The way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this

'So, Ernie's just just . . . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman i married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
__________________

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## chiggersngrits

now thats funny. :Big Grin:  gives a whole new meaning to the phrase," i gotta go drain the lizard". :EEK!:

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## Ridge Wolf

LMAO!! Was it a gecko? Geckos have insurance ya know..  :Big Grin:

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## Sarge47

That's (sniff) the most heartwarming(sob) love story I've ever heard since "Brokeback Mountain"! :Frown:  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):  :Big Grin:

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## Ole WV Coot

Thisin is even tough to tell: This very elderly lady lived all alone. She had outlived her husband, children and all her friends. She had nothing to do because the town she lived in was so small the only newspaper was one sheet and was only printed on one side. One evening sitting all alone in her big house she decided to end it all and found her late husband's pistol and decided she was going to shoot herself thru heart. In her state of abject sorrow the poor old lady couldn't remember where her heart was. She pondered this and decided to call her doctor. She asked, "Dr. where is one's heart? The Dr said "your heart is on your left side, just under your breast." She thanked him, hung up and quickly placed the pistol under her left breast and pulled the trigger. This caused a stir in the little town. The one page newspaper finally had a headline and this is it: ELDERLY WOMAN SHOOTS SELF IN LEFT KNEE, now if that don't bring a tear to your eye nothing will. :Frown:  :Frown:

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## crashdive123

Saw it coming with the call to the doc.  Still LMAO!

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## Ridge Wolf

Eeeeeewwwww! That was bad... really bad Coot..  :Big Grin:  LMAO

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## trax

@SamR: yeah all of a sudden I said to myself "lizards lay eggs" so glad I read through to the end, lol

@Coot: that's downright nasty  :Smile: 


Little Johnny passes by a farmer in his field, he's carrying a roll of duck tape. The farmer asks him what he's up to "gonna get some ducks" says Johnny. Farmer says "Johnny, you can't get ducks with duck tape" Couple of hours later, Johnny comes back with a couple of ducks.

Next day Johnny walks by with some chicken wire. The farmer chuckles "going to get some chickens Johnny?" "Yep" The farmer shakes his head, "boy, you don't get chickens with chicken wire" Couple of hours later, Johnny walks by with a couple of dead chickens.

Next day Johnny walks by with a bunch of pussy-willows in his hand. Farmer grabs his hat and says, "Hang on Johnny, I'm coming with you"

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## dragonjimm

yep. 

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic 
garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies 
out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills 
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I 
can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that 
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the 
sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and 
pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each 
time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off 
it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's 
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

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## snakeman

I've got one.

A pessimist and his friend are gonna go duck hunting and the friend goes to get a good dog. The friend asks the kennel owner for his best dog and gives him one that he says can walk on water. The friend wants proof so the kennel owner and the pessimist's friend go to the pond and the dog proves to walk on water. The next day the pessimist and his friend go hunting and shoot a duck so the friend sends his dog to go get it. He runs across the water and runs back with the duck. The friend says "Do you notice anything unusual about my dog?" to the pessimist and the pessimist says "Your dog can't swim."

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## dilligaf2u2

Why do meirmaids wear sea shells??

B shells would be to small and D shells would be too big!

Don

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## TrappinGal

Never , ever tick off a nurse


A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....

"Not with a carnation."  


LOL

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## Beo

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.
How's that :Big Grin:  lol.... now that's funny... lol...

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## trax

Oh yeah, she's gonna fit right in, good one TrappinGal.

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## TrappinGal

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.  


i hate to admit it, but even i had to laugh out loud on this one.  :Big Grin:

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## TrappinGal

The Tax Man.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied th e auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete _______." LOL

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## Rick

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

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## crashdive123

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

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## Rick

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower !

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.



The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

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## Ridge Wolf

HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." .....the end

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## Ridge Wolf

I cleaned this up a little... kids on here ya know.  
PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDIES OF MEN IN PUBLIC RESTROOMSYou may expect to find one or more of the following behaviors in a men's room at any time. 
1. EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. 
2. SOCIABLE: joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not. 
3. CROSSEYED: looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
4. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later. 
5. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink. 
6. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
7. WORRIED: not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. 
8. PLAYFUL: plays stream up. down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. 
9. ABSENT MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 
10. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 
11. SNEAK: farts silently when pissing, acts very innocent, knows man at next stall will get blamed. 
12. PATIENT: stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads with free hand. 
13. DESPARATE: waits in long line, legs crossed, pisses in pants. 
14. TOUGH: bangs d*** on side of urinal to dry it. 
15. EFFICIENT: wait til he has to s***, then does both. 
16. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe. 
17. Little: Stands on box. 
18. Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand. Pisses in pants. 
19. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 
20. CONCEITED: holds two-inch d*** like a baseball bat.

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## nell67

*Speeding in Indiana:*


*1) Good:*
*A Greenwood,IN policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)*

*2) Better:*
*A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post on I-65 in Indiana. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.*

*3) Absolute Best:*
*A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Indiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Indiana State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car*

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## rebel

That's funny!

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## crashdive123

Hey speaking of ....... where's Beo?  (JK Beo  :Big Grin: )

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## Ridge Wolf

For all you moose hunters out there

snq080723.jpg

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## Ridge Wolf

Indiana State Troopers don't have balls eh.. :Big Grin:  

Never underestimate Nells sense of humor... it's a killer!  :Big Grin:  LMAO!

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## nell67

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets 
    the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 
     'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember - - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.  That's why some people appear   
      bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. 
      What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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## crashdive123

I can really relate to #21 LOL.

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## Rick

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." 

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" 

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." 

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, '"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

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## crashdive123

Dear Dad, 

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. 

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. 

Love, Your $on. 

___________________ 

Reply from dad...
Dear Son, 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

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## Gray Wolf

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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## TrappinGal

and notice theyre both men. lol

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## TrappinGal

he shoulda sked a woman, wed coulda told him exactly where he was,lol

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## wareagle69

a fire fighter cleaning his truck outside of the sation notices a little girl going buy with a red wagon with ladders hanging off the side and a neatly coiled hose in the wagon, pulling the wagon is a dog and a cat. 
firefighter says to the little girl "say thats a nice wagon" girl smiles politely and says"thankyou"
the firefighter notices that the dog is attached to the wagon with a rope to his collar white the kitty is attached by a rope to his testicles
so the firefighter says"far be it from me to tell someone how to run their rig but ya might go fatser if the cat was attached by his collar also"
so the little girl looks at him thoughtfully as replies" true but if i did that i wouldn't have a siren".

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## crashdive123

> he shoulda sked a woman, wed coulda told him exactly where he was,lol


....or where to go?

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## TrappinGal

> ....or where to go?



that too if necessary........  :Big Grin:

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## crashdive123

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. 

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" 

"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

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## Sarge47

This blonde lady decided that she was going to try her hand at Ice Fishing; so she bought all the gear, headed out on the ice and began to drill with her ice auger.  Suddenly a loud voice boomed from above:  "There are no fish under the ice!"
It scared her so bad she dropped everything & ran over to her local Starbucks for a cup of coffee to help settle her nerves.  After a couple of cups she decided to go back & try a different spot.  So she went back, picked up her gear, & moved to a new spot.  She just got the auger into position when the deep voice from above boomed again:  "There are NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"
She looked up nervously and asked:  "Is that you, God?"
The voice came back:  "No...I own this Ice Skating Rink!" :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:

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## Rick

A guy walked out of his house on the way to work. As he walked down the steps he notice a snail slowly climbing up the steps. He picked up the snail, looked it over, and gave it a fling over the roof. 

The poor snail went flying through the air and landed in the back yard. The landing knocked him senseless. He laid there for a while until he could pull himself together then he headed back around the house. 

It took more than a year but he finally made it back to the front steps. As luck would have it, the guy was heading to out to work. He saw the snail and bent down to pick it up. The snail looked up at him and said, "A$$hole?"  

Revenge is sweet!

----------


## Sarge47

My wife says this one has been a big hit on one of her forums:
A Muslim, lost in the American coutryside, found himself desperately in need of water.  As luck would have it, he stumbled onto a farm owned by an Amish fellow.  Spying a pool of waer, the Muslim quickly dashed over to it and began lapping up the water as a dog might do.  The Amish farmer spotted the individual & proceeded to wave his arms while yelling in his native tounge, which happened to be German, that the water pool was where his pigs urinated; & he knew how Muslims felt about pork.

The Muslim couldn't understand, & stood up & angrily replied:  "I am Muslim & I only speak Farsi & English.  If you must speak to me, infidel, then please do so in either of those two languages as I don't understand a word of your Gibberish!"  The Amish fellow was taken aback, thought about it, then said in English:  "I was trying to tell you that if you scoop up the water in both hands you'll be able to drink a lot more." :EEK!:  :Big Grin:  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):  :Cool:

----------


## Rick

A elderly couple were having dinner at a restaurant when the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," says he. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea but why not?"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, the old man drops his trousers and they have a go at it. 

Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

"My God!" thought the policeman. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" Surely, he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks, "I've got to ask them what their secret is."

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

"Secret?" asked the old man in a shaky voice. "Yeah, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

----------


## Rick

Do you happen to know why?

When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck!

----------


## nell67

*A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,* 
*couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.* 

*So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."* 

*"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.* 

*"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."* 

*The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him* 
*25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc* 

*The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...* *but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... "* 

*He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,* *Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.* 

*The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres* *that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"* 

*"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes* 
*of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.* 

*"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."* 

*"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?  LISTEN UP, CHICKEN S**T! SIT YOUR A** DOWN, SHUT THE HECK UP,* *DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A*** *ISN'T GOING TO A DARN BAR!  THAT S**T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACK***?"* 

*and...they lived happily ever after.  Isn't that a sweet story?* 

*MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP*

**

----------


## wareagle69

that hurt just reading it, no seriuosly it hurt my eyes just reading it, boy you woman sure know how to make a man suffer

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## Ole WV Coot

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

After 43yrs I still hurt reading something like that. Pain you women inflict is dreadful. Any wonder Native Americans would turn their captives over to the women for torture. Years ago if we had TV dinners, microwaves, instant coffee and weekend woman rental lots of 
us still might be single. NOT ME, JUST IN CASE SHE WALKS IN AND READS OVER MY SHOULDER

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## nell67

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I  take her someplace
expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....
  **************************************************  **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for  my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized  I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would  have to go home
and come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
  and she processed my Social Security application.

  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my  experience at the
Social Security office.
  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You  might have gotten
disability, too'

  And then the fight started.....

**************************************************  **************************



  My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high  school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as  she sat alone at a
nearby table.

  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
  girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right  after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she  hasn't been sober since.'

  'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a  person could go on  celebrating
that long?'

  And then the fight started.....

**************************************************  **************************
****


  I rear-ended a car this morning.
  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the  other driver got out
of his car.
  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and  little things just
seem funny?
  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a  DWARF!!!
  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and  shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
  So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

  And then the fight started.....

----------


## Gray Wolf

Oh nell lol, you're on a roll!!!

----------


## nell67

Figured it was time to lighten it up around here a bit. :Wink:

----------


## bumblingoutback

what do you get when you cross an overfriendly cable installer and an irritable yet saucy tyke?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSPvQ2Kb484

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## crashdive123

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: 

Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely, (Campground Owner)

----------


## trax

Two international scientist, one fellow from England and the other from the Czech Republic, journeyed out to the foothills of the Canadian Rockies to study the wildlife. They were warned several times about the dangers, but in the spirit of fellowship of the international scientific community, red tape was cut aside and off they went.

A couple of weeks later, when they didn't call in to their base camp, a SAR group went out looking for them. They found their camp in total disarray and no sign of either scientist. They discovered the tracks of two adult grizzlies.  They immediately got on the radio and a professional hunter and tracker was brought in. He tracked the bears and discovered that it was a male and a female. He managed to shoot the female and they choppered her remains out. Conclusive DNA evidence told them that the remains of the Englishman were in the female's digestive tract. This led the investigators to only one possible logical conclusion:

"The Czech's in the male"

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## nell67

Good one Trax!

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## nell67

*Today is International Weird-A** People's Day. 

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

I don't care if you lick windows, 
Sniff toilet seats 
Or occasionally sh*t yourself... 

You hang in there Sunshine, 
You're frigging special !!!!*

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## trax

A plane crashes on a deserted island and all that survives is one guy, a dog and a sheep. Well, after several months of isolation the guy's starting to eyeball the sheep, thinking it's looking better all the time. But every time he tries to get near the sheep, the dog bares it's teeth and starts snarling and growling. So the guy's afraid to try anything.

A few weeks of this frustration and the guy sees another plane crash in the ocean. The only survivor washes ashore and it's Hilary Clinton. The guy and the dog pull her out of the water and she sets up camp with the three of them. After several weeks, they're sitting watching the sunset over the Pacific and the guy turns to Hilary and says

"I'd like you to do something really special for me"

Hilary responds in her sexiest husky voice and says "anything....anything at all"

The guy says "Would you mind taking that dog for a walk to the other side of the island?"

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## Beo

Now that's funny... lol...
Yeah she is fugly as he11... lol...

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## Sarge47

> Two international scientist, one fellow from England and the other from the Czech Republic, journeyed out to the foothills of the Canadian Rockies to study the wildlife. They were warned several times about the dangers, but in the spirit of fellowship of the international scientific community, red tape was cut aside and off they went.
> 
> A couple of weeks later, when they didn't call in to their base camp, a SAR group went out looking for them. They found their camp in total disarray and no sign of either scientist. They discovered the tracks of two adult grizzlies.  They immediately got on the radio and a professional hunter and tracker was brought in. He tracked the bears and discovered that it was a male and a female. He managed to shoot the female and they choppered her remains out. Conclusive DNA evidence told them that the remains of the Englishman were in the female's digestive tract. This led the investigators to only one possible logical conclusion:
> 
> "The Czech's in the male"


Didn't Discovery make a movie about that?  Something called:  "Czech this out"? :Big Grin:

----------


## Rick

I saw a CCT production last night called Corner Gas. Man was that thing funny. First time I"ve ever seen it. Bravo Canada!

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## erunkiswldrnssurvival

Thats going to be a good joke tomorow too, Ha!

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## nell67

*Husband Store*

*A store that sells new husbands has opened in* *New York City** , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:*



*You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!*



*So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:*



*Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs*



*She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:*



*Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.*


*'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'*


*So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:*


*Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.*



*'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.*


*She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:*


*Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.*


*'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'*

*Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:*


*Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.*


*She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:*

*Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.*

*PLEASE NOTE:*

*To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.*


*The first floor has wives that love sex.*

*T**he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.*


*The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.*

----------


## crashdive123

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you? 

Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

CSE: What sort of trouble?

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer: Nothing.

CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer: How do I tell?

CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer: What's a monitor?

CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer: I don't know.

CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer: Yes, I think so.

CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

CSE: Dark? 

Customer: There's a power outage.

CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

----------


## nell67

West Virginia Farm Kid 
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING) 


Dear Ma and Pa, 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. 
Practically nothing. 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you
until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. 

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox  at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. 

Your loving daughter, 
Alice

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## crashdive123

Nice........

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## Rick

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

For some time  many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a  loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe  Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep  N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. 

In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. 

Against her  parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school  dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids  were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was  then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile,  Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the  Schitt-Happens nuptials The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and  Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the  world. He recently returned from  Italy with his  new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You  don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

----------


## Sarge47

WOW!  That's a lotta schitt! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

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## nell67

good one Rick!

----------


## Rick

"AND DON'T FORGET THE TIP"

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. 

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as  well get my hat and the credit card'.

It would be nice if everyone would do their part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person and tell them you care. 

Since you are reading this...I care. My job here is done.

----------


## Rick

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' 


Esther always replied, 'I know Morris , but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' 

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'


Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' 

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

----------


## crashdive123

Nice........

----------


## nell67

http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...ead.php?t=4086

----------


## Rick

Oh, man!!! Now THAT'S funny!!!

----------


## nell67

I thought so too  :Big Grin:

----------


## crashdive123

Good one Nell.  Very, very nice.

----------


## trax

Nicely done MDN  :Big Grin:

----------


## crashdive123

Camping Turtles 

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food." 

"I promise I won’t," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I’m not going!"

----------


## laughing beetle

Bwahahahahahaa!!!!:d:d

----------


## nell67

*Dear Alcohol, 

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGEfan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and
you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside 
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence 
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you
that communication is important. I question the
suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have 
much substance or necessity. Why would you make me
call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they 
DO NOT want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night. 

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat 
AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to 
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key 
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, 
the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn 
or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no
way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the 
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you 
carefully review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take e a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution 
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me. 
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.*

----------


## laughing beetle

HA! (snort!!!)  Coffee went up my nose!!! :Smile:

----------


## crashdive123

Bear Alert 

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

----------


## nell67

Guess those bells are actually grizz dinner bells then,eh? :Big Grin:

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

I guess your better off being a bell than the person wearing it

----------


## Gray Wolf

Uh, think ya missed the joke........

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

One day a Grizzly bear was using the bathroom in the woods. A rabbit happened to hop by. The Grizzly said Rabbit, does dung stick to your fur? The Rabbit answered: Why no mr bear dung doesnt stick to my fur!The Bear answered and said: Good i need something to wipe with!

----------


## Rick

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center  

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks  Home and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People  came from many 
Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do  his stuff. 
As Claude went to the front of the meeting  room, he 
announced,

 
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or  three people up 
here to be put into a trance, I intend to  hypnotize each 
and every member of the  audience.'

 
The excitement was almost electric as  Claude withdrew a 
beautiful antique pocket watch from his  coat.

 
'I want you each to keep your eye on this  antique watch. 
It's a very special watch. It's been in my  family five or six 
generations.' He began to swing the watch  gently back and 
forth while quietly chanting,

 
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch  the watch .'

 
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch  swayed back and 
forth, light gleaming off its polished  surface. Hundreds 
of pairs of eyes followed the swaying  watch, until, suddenly 
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and  fell to the 
floor, breaking into a hundred  pieces.

 
'Sh1t!,' said the Hypnotist.  


It took three days to clean up the old  folks home

----------


## Rick

Last  weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my  interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little  something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,  pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short  lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate  time to retreat to safety.... 

WAY TOO  COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded  two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was  disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it  against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity  darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!  Unfortunately, I have yet  to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.  

Okay, so I  was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all  that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?  

There I  sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)  while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this  thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  

I must  admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought  better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to  my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it  would work as advertised. Am I wrong? 

So, there  I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched  delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in  another. 

The  directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your  assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major  loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your  assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than  three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this  little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;  pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking  to myself, 'no possible way!' 

What  happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...  

I'm  sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to  say, 'don't do it dipsh1t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny  little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one  second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed  the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .  . WHAT THE H*LL!!! 

I'm pretty  sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,  then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely  recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body  soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my boys nowhere to be found, with my left  arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?  

The cat  was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame  hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by  my body flopping all over the living room.  

Note: If  you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:  there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not  let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing  about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!  

SON-OF-A-BE OCH,  THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! 

A minute  or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I  collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was  upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps,  right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been  shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over  the drooling. Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and  my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I  believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my boys and I'm offering a  significant reward for their safe return!!  

P. S. My  wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!  

'If you  think Education is difficult, try being  stupid.'

----------


## klkak

ROFLMAO, I would have paid money to see that. You should send that to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall.

----------


## Sarge47

Did this really happen to you?  My wife had read the same thing almost word for word on another forum...or maybe that was you as well? :Cool:

----------


## Rick

Nope. Just a joke. Someone sent it to me. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I'd share it. My wife doesn't need a taser. She can handle herself pretty well. At least I know where my place is. I don't know about anyone else. :Embarrassment:

----------


## crashdive123

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".The other replied, "No, it's not!".The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

----------


## klkak

THE BEAR AND THE ATHEIST

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.  "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7ft grizzly charging toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!... Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then the bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but could you perhaps make the bear a Christian? "Very well," said the voice. The light went out.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

----------


## crashdive123

Very funny.

----------


## nell67

This is so funny,give it a listen.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

----------


## crashdive123

LMAO - wish I could have seen it.

----------


## nell67

no video,only audio with it,sorry.

----------


## crashdive123

No - I wish I had been there to see it.

----------


## nell67

I know,and you know that someone somewhere has this on their cell phone,now if only they'd put it up on youtube :Smile:

----------


## crashdive123

I can just picture somebody like Larry the Cable Guy doing this.

----------


## Sarge47

A man named Bill ran into a guy he knew from High School only to find him quite changed.  He was dressed in a pirate's outfit, had a peg-leg, his right hand had been replaced with a hook, had an eye-patch over one eye, & a parrot on his shoulder.  "Jim," he said, "what's up with you?  You look like a pirate!"

"That's right matey!"  Jim snarled in his best pirate's voice.  I joined up with a pirate crew right after high school!"

"Wow!"  Bill replied, "How'd you lose the leg?"

"Well we attacked this ship & during a sword fight with a guy I made a blunder & he cut off my leg!  So I replaced it with this peg!"  Jim answered.

"Man, that's tough!  How'd you lose the arm?"  Bill asked.

"Well in the next sword fight I had after I'd put the peg-leg on, I slipped with it because I wasn't used to it and the guy I was fighting cut off my right hand!  So I replaced it with a hook!"

"Wow!" Bill said, "And what happened to your eye?"

"Oh, that.  Well I was in the Crow's nest & I looked up at a seagull & he crapped in it!"

Bill got a puzzled look on his face.  "Seagull poop makes you go blind?"  he asked.

Jim looked a bit embarrassed.  "It does when you forget you're right hand is a hook!" :EEK!:

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

let us learn how to use our hands when among seagulls.

----------


## crashdive123

......or not look up......and be real glad that cows don't fly.

----------


## trax

> ......or not look up......and be real glad that cows don't fly.



they don't? what about buffalo wings? huh? huh?

----------


## crashdive123

I concede your point.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

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## Sarge47

There was a lion who was drinking at a watering hole in Africa when a chimpanzee spotted him, noticing that the Lion had his hind parts sticking up in the air.  Quickly the Chimp ran up to the lion and kicked him really hard in the butt!  The Lion let out a roar & chased the Chimp across the meadow.  The Chimp ran as fast as he could while the lion chased him, gaining ground a little at a time.  The Chimp quickly climbed up a tree, but the lion followed.  The Chimp climbed higher to some of the weaker branches & gained some distance as he jumped from tree to tree; but the Lion was still on his trail.  Suddenly the Chimp spotted a hunters camp set up in a clearing & quickly ran through a tent, grabbing a Pith Helmet as he went through.  He quickly put the helmet on, jumped up & sat in an empty chair, grabbing a newspaper he pretended to read.
The lion leaped into the middle of the compound, only to get a confused look on his face.  "Has anybody seen a crazy Chimpanzee run through here?"

  The Chimp couldn't resist and said:  "Is that the chimp that kicked that big dumb old lion in the butt?"  

The Lion got a weird look on his face & said: "Is that in the paper already?" :EEK!:

----------


## Proud American

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. 


Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?" 

The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."
_________________

----------


## crashdive123

A couple took a vacation to a national park with excellent fishing. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife used the opportunity to take the boat out. She did not know (or care) that several areas of the lake were closed to fishing. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. 

Before long a park ranger in his boat pulled up alongside her and greeted her with: "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?" 

"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "is this guy blind, or what?"

"You're in a no-fishing area," he informed her. 

"But, ranger, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" 

"But you have all this equipment, ma'am. I'll have to take you in and arrest you." 

"If you do I'll turn around and charge you with sexual assault," snapped the irate woman. 

"I didn't even touch you," shot back the ranger. 

"Yes, that's true . . . but you have all the equipment."

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

There was three men that got stranded in the desert, each decided to carry something to help them to survive. The first guy brought with him the radiator from the car. the second guy brought the battery and the stereo,and the third guy carried one of the car doors.After hiking 20 miles they stoped to rest. the first guy asked the second guy"why did you carry the battery"? he answered, so we could hear the weather reports.Wht did you carry the radiator? the first guy said" to drink from when we get thirsty.the third guy poped up and said,"I brought the car door so if it got hot we could roll down the window"!

----------


## Rick

This one is for Coot...

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.  ?He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of  whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old  mule to the hitch rail. 

As he stood there brushing some of the  dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the  saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,  'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at  the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted  to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger  said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping  around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last  bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into  the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking  sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got  quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked,  'Did you ever kiss a mule's a$$?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and  said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons  from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

----------


## Dennis K.

> A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. 
> 
> 
> Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?" 
> 
> The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."
> _________________


so there was this experiment for military pilots.
Some doctors were testing the effects of brain damage on pilot's ability to fly a mission.  They had developed a machine that would instantly remove a portion of the brain.
During the testing, they had a USAF pilot in the air, flying along, fully coherent, and singing "off we go, into the wild Blue yonder!"
The docs activated the machine, which instantly removed 1/3 of his brain.  The plane bobbled, but the pilot was fine.  The only noticeable difference was that he was now singing "Anchors A- weigh, my boy, Anchors A-Weigh..."
The docs were truly amazed and again activated the machine, which removed another 1/3 of his brain.  The plane bobbled, but the pilot was otherwise fine.  Only change was that he was now singing "over hill, over dale...."
So the docs, just thrilled with the results of their experiment, activated the machine again, removing the last 1/3 of the pilots brain.  The plane immediately nose-dived, and the last thing they heard over the radio was "From the halls of Montezuma....

----------


## Fletcher

I know some Recons. that might be mad about that..............
 no wait i forgot they can't read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## crashdive123

Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

----------


## laughing beetle

Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!

----------


## chiye tanka

That's just wrong Crash! :Big Grin:

----------


## nell67

* Buttocks*





*             A married couple was in a terrible accident where the* 
*            Man's face was severely burned The doctor told the* 
*            Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body* 
*             Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate* 
*             Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body* 
*             That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come* 
*              From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they* 
*             Would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they* 
*            Requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After* 
*             All, this was a very delicate matter After the surgery was* 
*            Completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.* 
*             He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his* 
*            Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful* 
*            Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was* 
*            Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,* 
*             I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.* 
*            How can I possibly repay you?'* 
*            'My darling,' she replied,* 
*            'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother* *             Kiss you on the cheek.'*

----------


## crashdive123

Rotflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## Rick

Now that there is funny I don't care who you are.

----------


## laughing beetle

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

----------


## Sarge47

...but a Goodie!

Back in the Gold Rush of 1849 an out-of-work drifter named Bob, found himself in Cripple Creek, Colorado.  Being "stone-broke" he was wondering what he was going to do when he noticed a sign posted in the window of a near-by saloon that read: "Bartender Wanted".  He quickly applied for & got the job.  The owner was a friendly fellow who was quick to give the drifter all the low-down.

"Here's what ya got to remember,"  he was told, " your going to get some saddle bums in here who are going to want credit; give 'em a beer & send them on their way.  You're going to get a prospector or two once in a while who's struck a big strike & wants to celebrate.  Somebody else might want his gold and there might be some gun-play; just remember to keep yer head down & let the marshal take care of it.  But if you ever hear somebody say:  'BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!' then you get the blazes out of here quicker 'n lightnin'"

Well, over the next several months it went just like the owner said with the saddle bums & the gun-play between the prospectors.  Then, one day, someone stuck their head over the bat-wing doors & yelled:  "RUN FER YER LIVES!  BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!"  Quick as a flash the place was empty.  Bob had been in the back, bringin out a keg of beer when he heard the dreaded cry.  He struggled getting the keg in place, took off his apron, threw it on the bar, & ran for the doors.  He'd just pushed them open when he saw the most fearsome sight he'd ever seen in his life.  Comin' down the street was the biggest, meanest, mangiest looking man he'd ever thought could exist!  The man was over seven feet tall & about 400 lbs of solid muscle.  He had guns in holsters all over his body.  He was riding a mean-looking grizzly bear and had a mountain lion on a leash walking in front of him.  He pulled up to the saloon, dismounted, & kicked the Griz squarely in his furry butt.  "YOU STINK!"  The huge guy yelled.  Then he did the same to the mountain lion. "YOU STINK TOO!"  He  yelled.  Bob quickly dashed inside, grabbed his apron, put it on, & got behind the bar, trembling like crazy.  

"BAR-KEEP!  GIMMIE A BOTTLE OF YOUR CHEAPEST, CRAPPIEST, ROT-GUT!"

Bob quickly placed a bottle of bar-whiskey in front of the giant & watched in horror as he placed the corked neck of the bottle in his mouth & bit the end of it off, then spat it out into the nearest spittoon.  He then poured the whole thing down his throat in about 5 seconds & threw the empty bottle at the long mirror right behind Bob, shattering it to pieces.  He turned to go, when Bob decided to be friendly & asked:  "would you care for another?"

The big guy quickly spun around on his heel, glared menacingly at Bob, then looked really scared as he said:  "I CAN'T, I GOTTA GO!  BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!" :Big Grin:

----------


## BraggSurvivor

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." 

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back." 

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." 

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." 

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" 

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off." 

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" 

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." 

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" 

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998." 

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" 

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." 

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

----------


## BraggSurvivor

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? 
They're very bitter. 

Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers? 
Because writers cramp but readers digest.  

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods? 

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!" 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" 

When do cannibals leave the table? 
When everyone's eaten. 

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now." 

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? 
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it. 

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like! 

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? 
A celebrity roast. 

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? 
Dinner costs an arm and a leg. 

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? 
Eatin' Allen's. 

What do cannibals eat for dessert? 
Chocolate covered aunts. 

What is a cannibal's favorite game? 
Swallow the leader. 

What do cannibals make out of politicians? 
Bologna sandwiches. 

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? 
The cold shoulder. 

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks." 

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher? 

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes. 

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

----------


## laughing beetle

hehhehheh...mother in laws... heeheehee...uncles in the woods...oh man.... :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:

----------


## crashdive123

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary was incredulous, and said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The laughing missionary said, "I just peed in their soup!"

----------


## laughing beetle

:EEK!: Bwahahahahaha!!! :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:

----------


## nell67

:Confused:  :Confused:  :Confused:

----------


## laughing beetle

Nell, that is so true!! LOL!!

----------


## Runs With Beer

Im kind of lost for words, You guys are kinda funny.

----------


## Sarge47

The first man had married a woman from Mississippi and told her that
 she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning.
 It took couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a
 clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 The second man had married a woman from Michigan .
 He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
 dishes, and the cooking.
 The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
 By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done,
 and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 The third man had married a beautiful girl from Louisiana .
 He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes
 washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
 every meal.
 He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
 see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
 and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a
 sandwich and load the dishwasher. :EEK!:  :Big Grin:  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):  :Cool:

----------


## Sarge47

...hope you like it.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!!
So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

 :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:

----------


## crashdive123

Nice........... :Big Grin:

----------


## Dennis K.

Three Blondes walk into a bar.
The first says to the bartender "I'll have a BL!"
The bartenders says "A what?"
"You know.  A BL.  a Bud Light! duh!"
The second blonde says "I'll have a CL!"
The bartender thinks for a second, then says "Coors Light?"
She says "well, yeah.  duh!"
The third blonde looks at the bartender and says "I'll have a 15."
The bartender thinks.  And thinks.  And thinks.  Finally he says "I give up.  What's a '15' ?"
She rolls her eyes and says "A 7 & 7. Duh!"

----------


## trax

Nice one Dennis.

----------


## crashdive123

Short Quiz



The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?







Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.









2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?







Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?






Wrong Answer.







Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.







3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?








Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.






Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?










Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

----------


## trax

what does it mean if you got all the questions right?

----------


## nell67

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

         The father said: 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the
         field.'

         A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
         back to his son. 'What's wrong?' the father asked. 'I told you to be
         quiet.'

         The boy, bless his heart, answered;

         'Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

         I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

         I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.

         I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

         I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

         I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

         But when the two squirrels crawled up my pants legs and said,

         'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

         Well, I guess I just panicked...'

----------


## crashdive123

Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

----------


## RangerXanatos

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear 
of
me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it
should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its 
head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out..
..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw..
..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards ittook a step away. I put a little tension on
the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action 
when
you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could 
fight
down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my 
feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out 
of
the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that
rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that
moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling
was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deers momentum by bracing my head against various 
large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough
to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount
of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didnt want the deer
to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in
between my truck and the feeder  a little trap I had set before handkind 
of
like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I
reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my
wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where
they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
-almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but
it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached
up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my
final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their
hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a horsestrikes
at you with their hooves and you cant get away easily, the best thing to
do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the 
animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you 
in
the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice
as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit
me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has 
passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey .

----------


## Sarge47

Bill & Tom were lifelong friends, they had lived in the same small town, grew up together, dated & married two girls who were also very close, and both were committed hunters.  Then, come squirrel season they were out in the bush when Tom let out a blood-curdling scream, grabbed his groin, and fell to the ground. Bill quickly ascertained that his best friend had been bitten on the end of his...shall we say, manhood,(?) by a large Timber Rattler.  

"Help me!"  His dear friend begged, "Please do something...help me!"

Bill pulled out his cell phone & called 911.  He explained that his hunting partner had been bitten by a large Timber Rattler & asked if there was anything he could do as they were pretty far out into the Wilderness & it might be quite awhile before SAR could find them to help his stricken buddy.

A Para-medic got on the line & gave these 1st Aid instructions for Snake Bite:  "Using a sharp pocket knife, locate the bite marks & make an "X" incision into each one.  Then, using your mouth, suck out the poison, carefully spitting it out after each mouthful.  That should minimize the damage enough in time for help to arrive."

Bill slowly walked back to his friend, who was still squirming on the ground in agony.  "What'd they say?"  He gasped,  "What did they say?"

Bill took off his hat, clenching & un-clenching it in his fingers, tears streaming 
down his face, looked at his dearest friend & said:  "Brace yourself....Your gonna die!" :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## nell67

Oh ,that was good RX,really good,have you recovered yet? :Big Grin:  :Stick Out Tongue: 

@ Sarge,LMAO!!!!!!!! that was hilarious!
@ Crash & Sarge,with friends like those,who needs enemies? :Smile:

----------


## rebel

Funny!  "Jumped up and bit me on the neck" story.

----------


## crashdive123

Hungry Fish

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

----------


## rebel

Now we know what happens with the...

----------


## Rick

:EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  Oh! That is just plain wrong  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  Plain wrong!  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:

----------


## nell67

So very sad.

----------


## aamybush

> My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.
> 
> FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good.  But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."


ha ha ha...lol

----------


## doug1980

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat It is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they Begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole...

----------


## RangerXanatos

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## tsitenha

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16 .

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

----------


## tsitenha

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Michigan.

The State claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit."  says the agent.

"Speaking," replied the farmer.

----------


## nell67

LOL Good one tsitenha!

----------


## laughing beetle

LOL!!!  I know people who use that exact security system, but with the dogs...

----------


## doug1980

*Indian Chief*
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. 
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." 
The Chief nodded in agreement. 
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, 
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, 
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend 
all day hunting and fishing; all night dancing." 
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 
"Only white man dumb enough 
think he improve system like that."

----------


## laughing beetle

HAHA!!  That's funny right there...!

----------


## Ole WV Coot

The Prospector and the Gunslinger


 An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a Western town one day.  He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey nor an opportunity to talk with another human.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed saying, 'Hey old man, have you eve r danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I've just never seen a need to do so, nor ever wanted to either.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old bastard, you're gonna' dance your *** off now, ' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he was still laughing as he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.The old man asked, 'Did you ever French kiss a mule's ***?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2 Don't mess with old people.

----------


## Pal334

> The Prospector and the Gunslinger
> 
> 
>  An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a Western town one day.  He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey nor an opportunity to talk with another human.
> 
> He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
> 
> The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed saying, 'Hey old man, have you eve r danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I've just never seen a need to do so, nor ever wanted to either.'
> 
> ...


Now that is funny, and a good lesson to remember  :Smile:

----------


## crashdive123

*If Airlines sold paint*
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. 

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. 

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. 

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? 

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. 

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. 

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available. 

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. 

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? 

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. 

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. 

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems. 

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. 

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. 

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. 

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. 

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. 

Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

----------


## Pal334

*Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.* 

Now I am frightened!!!  I understood this!!!!!!

----------


## Sarge47

My wife e-mailed me these:

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...She thought General Motors was in the army.

...She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

...She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

...she told me to meet her at the corner of WALK" and "ONE WAY."

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she studied for a blood test.

...She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

...she sold the car for gas money!

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

Enjoy! :Big Grin:

----------


## nell67

LMAO! 
Know what its called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?


Artificial intelligence.

----------


## welderguy

Found this while surfing.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied...


"That's because he's inside your cat."

----------


## welderguy

"she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company."
Sarge that was hilarious

----------


## laughing beetle

> found This While Surfing.
> 
> Little Nancy Was In The Garden Filling In A Hole When Her Neighbor Peered Over The Fence. Interested In What The Little Girl Was Up To, He Politely Asked, "what Are You Up To There, Nancy?"
> 
> "my Goldfish Died," Replied Nancy Tearfully, Without Looking Up, "and I've Just Buried Him."
> 
> The Neighbor Was Concerned, "that's An Awfully Big Hole For A Goldfish, Isn't It?"
> 
> Nancy Patted Down The Last Heap Of Earth And Then Replied...
> ...


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha  haha!!!!!

----------


## tsitenha

Boudreaux and Fonteneaut are walking down a street in Houston when and they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair." Boudreaux says to his pal, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Abbeville, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and try to cheat us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know." They go in and Boudreaux says with his best fake Texas accent, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ...." 
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Louisiana, ain't you?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Boudreaux. "How come you know dat?!" 
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

----------


## Pal334

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.  So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and  stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming  traffic.  They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude  bodies and private parts to
the approaching drivers.

But  to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing  up.  Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy.  It wasn't long before a state trooper 
pulls up behind me.

AND THEY THINK I'M A Dumb BLONDE!!

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.  I could tell he
was not a happy  camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat  tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.  So I told him,  'Helloooooo, 
those are my emergency flashers!'

----------


## trax

Saw it coming Pal (and that was definitely no pun intended!!)

----------


## Pal334

Trax, how about this one?

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.  The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

 When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 

'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. 

The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I  accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '

----------


## nell67

WINTER BLONDE 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She 
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. 


The trucker lowers the window, and she says 
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. 
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. 

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. 

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. 
The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. 

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. 

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... 

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Indiana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

----------


## crashdive123

Now that there's funny.  I don't care who you are.

----------


## doug1980

December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9   
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!  
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered 
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't 
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice.  
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white *** fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
*** is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!  
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a *** who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry *** Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in 
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! 
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a  fricking
idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in.. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. 
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The *** is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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## crashdive123

Nice......

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## RunsWithDeer

Well, now we know...

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## nell67

Well,that answered THAT question  :Big Grin:

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## crashdive123

I don't know......kind of looks like the edge of the woods, not in the woods.

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## nell67

kinda looks like a well used path,better watch your step  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

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## crashdive123

There appears to be some contradicting evidence.

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## RunsWithDeer

> There appears to be some contradicting evidence.
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.



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## palm stalker

is the pope still catholic?? bear premise proved.. jury still out on the pope ..

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## Cleankill47

This is for all those Marine-hating jokes........










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## tsitenha

A blonde in trouble

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business
and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost
my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery
night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've
lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I
don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE, let me win the lottery just t! his one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart,
work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

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## tsitenha

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... 

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: " Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

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## tsitenha

20 to Life!

 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
 She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
 sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
 appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
 he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 "What's the matter, Dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room,
 "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

 The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
 we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

 "Yes I do" she replies.

 The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
 when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

 "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
 him.

 The husband continued.............. "Do you remember when he shoved the
 shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send
 you to jail for 20 years?"

 "I remember that too" she replied softly.

 He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out
 today".

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## tsitenha

Car Wreck:


One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!"

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## tsitenha

BLONDE AGAIN

a blonde is on a bus, when she suddenly farts. Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time she farts, she times it with the music.
When she starts making her way to the door as she exits the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at her, and she suddenly realizes. .............

she's listening to her IPod !

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## tsitenha

Sven & Ole

Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks
like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

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## tsitenha

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws
himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

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## tsitenha

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he
pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself
off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks
his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping,
den Knute parrotshooting .. And now Lars, hengliding ..."

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## tsitenha

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a
 stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through
the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What a time of night to
 be getting home! Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm
not reheating it'. 

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.  While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN!! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?!?'

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## tsitenha

*this Is A Story About A Couple Who Had Been Happily Married For Years.*

The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke. The Noise Would Wake His Wife And The Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.   

Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick.. He Told Her He Couldn't Stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out. 

The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One Thanksgiving Morning As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards And Neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.   

She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts.   

Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The Bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her Eyes! After Years Of Torture She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good.

About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Downstairs In His Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Was The Matter.   

He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And I Didn't Listen To You.'   

'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.   

'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out, And Today It Finally Happened....... 

But By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And Two Fingers. I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In!!'

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## laughing beetle

Omg!!!! Rotflmao!!!!!!

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## crashdive123

Speaking of Sven and Ole…..

Sven and Ole were looking for a job, so they went to the job placement office.  They filled out their applications and proceeded into the office for a brief interview.

Interviewer:  Sven, what was your last job?

Sven:  I was a diesel fitter.

Interviewer:  That’s wonderful.  You are in big demand around these parts.  Go out to see the placement officer immediately – you can start work today.  Sven heads out to start his new job.

Interviewer:  My goodness that was a great find for us.  I hope we can find you a job as quickly.

Ole: Ya sure.  Me too.

Interviewer:  What was your last job?

Ole:  I made women’s panty hose.

Interviewer:  I’m sorry Ole, but there is nothing available like that.

Ole:  There has to be.

Interviewer:  I’m sorry, but there really isn’t any work available like that.

Ole:  I don’t understand.  There has to be.

Interviewer:  I’m  sorry, but there isn’t.

Ole:  But you found my brother a job…..

Interviewer:  Well he had a sill that is in high demand around here.

Ole:  I know, that’s why you should be finding me a job too.

Interviewer:  There is just no demand for your skills around here.

Ole:  I don’t get it.  Me and Sven, we work together.

Interviewer:  You must be mistaken.

Ole:  No, no I’m not.

Interviewer:  Care to explain?

Ole: Ya sure.  I make the women’s panty hose and hand them to Sven.  Sven holds them up, looks at them, and says – Ya sure, diesel fitter.  Den he hands dem to the lady.

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## MCBushbaby

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now **** off you ****!"

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## Sarge47

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody
home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
'This is the Outhouse!'

 :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:

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## nell67

Now that's funny!

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## Alpine_Sapper

Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

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## Alpine_Sapper

They tell us that all of the following actually appeared in real church bulletins. We wouldn't be surprised.

    * The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    * The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

    * Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

    * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell ' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    * Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    * Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    * Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    * Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    * A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    * At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    * Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    * Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

    * The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

    * Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    * The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    * This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin .

    * Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    * The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    * Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

    * The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    * Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    * The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

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## crashdive123

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. 

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

Normans wife goes out and moves her car. 

A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

So, Normans wife goes out and moves her car. 

The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park and then the electricity goes out in the middle of the sentence.

Normans wife says, Honey, I dont know what to do 

Norman says, Why dont you just leave it in the garage this time.

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## chiye tanka

Crash, you sure that wasn't Seabrook, NH? :Big Grin:

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## crashdive123

BIKER CHILI 
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy bar in Sturgis, SD. 

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, 
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. 

After a few minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely 
asks the old biker, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" 

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup 
and says, "Nah, you go ahead.” 

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides 
the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. 

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the 
chili. The sight was very shocking, and he immediately barfed up the chili back 
into the bowl 

The old biker says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too”

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## MatthewnOK

> BIKER CHILI 
> A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy bar in Sturgis, SD. 
> 
> He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, 
> staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. 
> 
> After a few minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely 
> asks the old biker, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" 
> 
> ...


Snort! Chuckle! Gag! I don't care who you are that's funny. Bless them little pygmies!

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## flandersander

HAHAHAHAHA! Thats freakin hilarious

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## RunsWithDeer

That one made me spit up my coffee. lol

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## nell67

*REPLACEMENT WINDOWS 



**Last year my neighbor replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloo oo,she told him...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. 

So, she told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year, 
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year, she told him!  

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up. 

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.*

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## crashdive123

:Lol:  :Lol:  :Lol:  :clap:

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## laughing beetle

:Lol:  :Lol:  :Lol:  :Lol:

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## grundle

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

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## grundle

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. 

"Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. 

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. 

Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

 "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. 

"Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. 

"Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-****ing-believable!"

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## crashdive123

Tickle Me Elmo: 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. 

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." 

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

----------


## tsitenha

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, Whatll you have?

The seal replies, Anything but Canadian Club.   :Smash:

----------


## Dennis K.

> A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
> The bartender asks the seal, Whatll you have?
> 
> The seal replies, Anything but Canadian Club.


***guffaw****

So, a Scotch & Drambuie walks into a bar.  The bartender says "Hey there's a drink named after you!"
The drink says "Why would anybody name a drink 'Steve'? "

----------


## Ken

A man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, and he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man, and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Massachusetts."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Bastard Kills Family Pet."

----------


## Ken

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."

----------


## Dennis K.

Three blondes walk into a bar.  The first says to the bartender, "I'll take a BL!"

The bartender thinks for a minute.  and thinks.  and thinks...
He says "I give up.  What's a BL?"

The first blonde says "A Buuuuuud Light!!!! duh!!!!"

The second blonde says (while clapping exuberantlty) "I'll take a CL! haha!!!!!"  

The bartender thinks for a minute and says  "got it!  Coors Light?"

"Well, yeah.  Duh!!"

The third blonde pipes up and says "I want a fifteen!!!!"

The barkeep says "A what?"

"You know!!!! a Fifteeeeeeeeen!!!"

The bartender thinks for a minute.  and thinks.  and thinks...
He says "I give up.  What's a fifteen?"

"A Seven and Seven!!! duh!!!"

----------


## Stairman

The sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his truck into the ditch.The sheriff asked,why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?dont you see that sign right over your head?...yep,he replied,thats why Im dumping it here cause it says Fine for dumping garbage!

----------


## Sarge47

In honor of Ken here's a couple of lawyer jokes that you might all enjoy, I wrote the 2nd one myself.

What's the difference between a Catfish & a lawyer?  One's a "scum-sucking bottom-feeder"...the other one is a fish!

You've all heard what do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean...a good start!  So what do you call 5000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?   POLLUTION! :Sneaky2:

----------


## Ken

> In honor of Ken here's a couple of lawyer jokes that you might all enjoy, I wrote the 2nd one myself.


I see.  Rick's sobering up somewhere off-line, so now YOU gotta' start?

There's only one of you three left that I haven't heard from today.  He's on-line now, too.  Why not make it a triple-play?   :tabletalk:

----------


## crashdive123

In an effort to fufill the requests of forum members (it should be noted that this practice is not an "on demand" service) here goes.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
        The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
        A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

----------


## RunsWithDeer

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
        St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
        To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
        The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
        Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
        The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
        St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
        His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
        "But why?" asks the man.
        "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

----------


## Ken

MEMBER ADVICE REQUESTED:




> Dear Forum Members:
> 
> Please advise. I am a Super Moderator and I attended a conference on writing motivational survival treads. I hoped to help Forum members change their behaviors and reduce their survival risk factors.
> 
> I decided to test the motivational posting method one morning on my hotel suite maid with the phase one question...
> 
> Zelda, what do you think of the idea of having a threesome?
> 
> I learned that such a question should not be asked when your maid is taking knives out of the dishwasher.
> ...


Forum Members Reply In Unison:  'Your answer was "No," wasn't it?"   :Lol:  :Lol:  :Lol:

----------


## Sarge47

> MEMBER ADVICE REQUESTED:
> Your answer was "No," wasn't it?


Never knew that Hotel suites were equipped with dishwashers, I thought all of the dirty dishes went with room service back down to the main kitchen.   :Innocent:

----------


## Ken

> Never knew that Hotel suites were equipped with dishwashers, I thought all of the dirty dishes went with room service back down to the main kitchen.


_Look, Sarge, I plagerized this joke, OKAY?_  :Blushing:  I substituted the word "maid" for another word in the original joke.  I also changed the location where events took place.  No need to involve other family members here..........   :Innocent:   Besides, I like it here.  :Smile:  (Mumbles to himself:  The only one who hasn't picked on me yet today is Crash."  Makes mental note to check back on thread to see if he gets any sympathy.)

Actually, some suites I've been in _DO_ have dishwashers in the kitchen.

----------


## Rick

Nice. Real nice. I'm the ONLY one that DIDN'T post a lawyer joke and you go after me. Okay.

----------


## Ken

> Nice. Real nice. I'm the ONLY one that DIDN'T post a lawyer joke and you go after me. Okay.


Did you forget about today's post #40 here?   :Sneaky2:  http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...?t=3153&page=2  My feelings were so terribly hurt..........

----------


## Ken

> In an effort to fufill the requests of forum members (it should be noted that this practice is not an "on demand" service) here goes.
> 
> Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
> 
> They were still arguing when the train hit them.


Et tu, Brute? Shakespeare

----------


## crashdive123

Just trying to comply with your request.




> I see.  Rick's sobering up somewhere off-line, so now YOU gotta' start?
> 
> There's only one of you three left that I haven't heard from today.  He's on-line now, too.  Why not make it a triple-play?


By the way, where was the conference you attended?

----------


## Ken

> Just trying to comply with your request.
> 
> 
> 
> By the way, where was the conference you attended?


YOU DOG!!!   :airhorn:  You changed the source of my quote from "Rick" to "Ken!"  :Cursing:   Super Moderators can do THAT too, huh?  :Confused1:  (Ahh, but I changed it back again - this game could go on forever...)  Talk about an abuse of power!!!  :Nono:    Look, I'm the ONLY one here who's supposed to mess with quoted posts, got it?   :angermanagement:  

Man!  Those three stick together!   :Sneaky2:

----------


## crashdive123

It's all part of the Super Moderator Code.
Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## crashdive123

> Ahh, but I changed it back again - this game could go on forever...


That's true, but can you do this? (he says as he closes thread).....just kidding - thread's open. :Lol:

----------


## Rick

Wait until we make him disappear for 10 days. Chuckle. Even his girlfriend won't know where he is.

----------


## Ken

> Wait until we make him disappear for 10 days. Chuckle. Even his girlfriend won't know where he is.


And she may thank you for the rest ........

----------


## Rick

For the rest of what?

----------


## Ken

> For the rest of what?


It's my energy levels.  Nobody can keep up with me.

----------


## Ken

Tom died.   His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.  

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah, a lawyer, turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Tom would be pleased,' she said.  

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'  

'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.'  

'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'  

Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. Whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'  

Jody computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My gosh, how big is it?'  

'Four and a half carats.'

----------


## Pal334

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No,"
but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

----------


## Ken

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. 
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine
man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white
powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex,
all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. 
But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123 for?"

----------


## SnipAR-10

Guess I have three:
First: This actually happened to a Highway Patrolman in CA where I used to live.
Officer sees a man driving erratically and pulls him over. 
Officer walks up to vehicles window. Man rolls window down.
Officer notices alcohol smell, Says to man, "Sir, you're eyes look red, have you been drinking"? 
Drunk replies, "Well yours look glazed, you been eatin' donuts"?

Second:
A frail old woman is having a birthday party, her one hundred and second.  She is of sound mind, but has lost her power of speech.  She is surrounded by lots of family members, decorations, food, and of course the cake.  It was a large meal by any standard.  The main courses were finished and they had moved on to dessert.  After the candles were blown out, with a little help from the family, she started to slump over to her right side in her chair.  Her son placed a pillow on that side to hold her up.  Shortly afterward, she slumped to her left, and another son put a second pillow on that side.  A bit after that, a very young boy walked up and said, "Hi great gramma, how are you today"?  She took her paper and pencil, and wrote a little note that said, "They won't let me fart".

Third:
A man is invited to dinner with his girlfriends family.  As he is sitting there he feels a need to break wind.  He tries very hard to hold it in... and a tiny fart excapes.. "poot".  The girlfriend's mom looks at the tiny dog lying under the mans chair and says, "Spot!".  The man thinks.. "Whew, she thought it was the dog".  Time passes(smirk). A little later, he gets the urge again, tries to hold it and fails a second time. He's pretty nervous, and her mother looks at the little dog and says, "SPOT" louder this time.  He's relived that yet again she blamed the dog.  Finally, feeling that he has carte blanche he confidently rips one off.  Her mother looks at the dog and says, "SPOT!, get over here before that man $*i%s on you"!

----------


## Ken

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

----------


## RunsWithDeer

New Lawyer

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

----------


## RunsWithDeer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might
have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is.

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" 

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is 
certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself 
and have some fun at the deputy's expense. 
Deputy says,"License and registration, please." 
Lawyer says, "What for?" 
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." 
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and 
registration, please." 
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" 
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's 
the law. License and registration, please!" 
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and 
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. 
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." 
Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the 
deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out 
of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you ask me one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks. "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep, with a smile on her face.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A  Massachusetts lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

----------


## Ken

Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".

----------


## Ken

ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...."

----------


## Ken

*TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES*

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

----------


## Ken

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

----------


## Ken

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

----------


## Ken

RWD!  Congratulations on the new job!   :clap:  Ten minutes ago, you were an Engineer".  Now, your a "Machine Design Consultant."   :Sneaky2: 

Uhhhh, what's the difference?  :Confused1:

----------


## Ken

Consultant Top 10 Lists:

*Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant * 

1.	You're right; we're billing way too much for this.  
2.	Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".  
3.	How about paying us based on the success of the project?  
4.	This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.  
5.	Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.  
6.	I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.  
7.	Implementation?  I only care about writing long reports.  
8.	I can't take the credit.  It was Ed in your marketing department.  
9.	The problem is, you have too much work for too few people. 
10.	Everything looks okay to me.

----------


## Ken

*Consultant Jokes*

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.


A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it. 


A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it. 


One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.


Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint. 


If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? 
It might be your bicycle.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

> RWD!  Congratulations on the new job!   Ten minutes ago, you were an Engineer".  Now, your a "Machine Design Consultant."  
> 
> Uhhhh, what's the difference?


LMAO  

I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so to test my theory I updated my profile.  I was correct in your responses.

My degree is in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in a central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.

Didn't mean to make you mad, really.  Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you.   :Innocent:

----------


## Ken

> LMAO  
> 
> I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so test my theory I updated my profile.  I was correct in your responses.
> 
> My degree in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in an central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.
> 
> Didn't mean to make you mad, really.  Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you.


C'mon!  I wasn't mad!  I love lawyer jokes.  Keep 'em coming!  I already copied them into "Word."   I had some of those engineer jokes because I'll e-mail 'em to my son's Blackberry once in a while.  He's an engineer, too.  Civil and Environmental.  WPI - '08.  Now he can pay for his own gas for his weekly hiking trips up north.  :Thumbup:

----------


## Rick

Oh, yea. A kid graduating college is like dad getting a raise. Sweet!

----------


## Ken

> Oh, yea. A kid graduating college is like dad getting a raise. Sweet!


One Down!   :Thumbup1:   Two to go.   :Thumbdown:   :Thumbdown:   Just two more years!   :Banana:   :Banana:   :Banana:

----------


## crashdive123

I think I may have posted this before, but I like it.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." 

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." 

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. 
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." 

The man below responded, "You must be a manager." 
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" 

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

----------


## Ken

Crash, that one's getting e-mailed to my kid within the next minute.  Thanks!

----------


## crashdive123

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

----------


## RunsWithDeer

Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big Y on her chest.
The doctor asks, " Why do you have a big Y on your chest?" 

She replies, " Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." 

The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big H on her chest.

Again, the doctor asks, " How did you get a big H on your chest?" The woman replies " My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." 

The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large M.

He says, " Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?" 

"NO" replies the patient " But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

----------


## Rick

(taking out paper and pencil) Okay, kids. This right here is Wisconsin ...

----------


## wareagle69

so do you know how to stay full in the bush?
just walk around in circles until you are fed up.....

----------


## Beans

> Originally Posted by RunsWithDeer  
> LMAO 
> 
> I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so test my theory I updated my profile. I was correct in your responses.
> 
> My degree in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in an central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.
> 
> Didn't mean to make you mad, really. Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you.  
> 
> C'mon! I wasn't mad! I love lawyer jokes. Keep 'em coming! I already copied them into "Word." I had some of those engineer jokes because I'll e-mail 'em to my son's Blackberry once in a while. He's an engineer, too. Civil and Environmental. WPI - '08. Now he can pay for his own gas for his weekly hiking trips up north.


You do realize that there are ONLY two lawyer jokes. Everything else is real

----------


## Ken

Ernie was playing in a big pile of horse crap, when a Marine Corps PFC saw him and said "Ernie what are you doing with that horse crap?  Ernie replied "I'm making a Marine Corps PFC." 

The PFC ran off and got his Corporal. The Corporal said "Ernie what are you doing?  Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more horse crap and said "I'm making a Marine Corps Corporal." 

The Corporal ran off and got his Sergeant ... the Sergeant said "Ernie what are you doing?  Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more horse crap, and said "I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant." 

The Sergeant ran off to get his Lieutenant.  The Lieutenant said "Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked up at him and said I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant."  The Lieutenant looked at him with pride and said "I thought you were going to say you were making a Marine Corps Lieutenant" 

Ernie looked at him and said "No Sir, I don't have enough horse crap!"

----------


## Rick

The Chicago Black Hawks foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young  Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably  impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

The coach signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Hawks are down 4-0 to the Red Wings with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.  The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Hawks!  The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey.  "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent.  "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won.  Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day.  Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset.  "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

Sorry?  You're sorry?!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Chicago in the first place!"

----------


## crashdive123

Now that there's funny.  I don't care who you are.

----------


## tennecedar

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
    When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
    Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "He!! no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
    "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
    The old woman fainted.

----------


## Sarge47

A Very Mad Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Florida with his dummy 
on his knee, he starts going through his
usual routine that includes blonde jokes .
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does
the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person because you and your kind discriminate against blondes ,and all in
the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and
the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking
to that little turd on your knee'. :Innocent:  :Sneaky2:  :Cool2:

----------


## Rick

A farmer pulls a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one. 

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

----------


## Ken

1. How many moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They think the world revolves around them.

2. Why don't moderators like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

3. Why did the moderator climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

4. What do moderators and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

5. Why do moderators like tilt steering wheels? More head room!

6. Why don't moderators eat pickles? Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

7. Why do moderators wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.

8. What do moderators say after making love? "are you boys all on the same team?"

9. What's the mating call for a brunette? "has the moderator gone home yet?"

10. Why do moderators wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash vegetables.

11. Why does moderators have TGIF written on their boots? "Toes Go In First."

12. What do moderators and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

13. How do you give a moderator a brain transplant? Blow in his ear.

14. What do you call a zit on a moderator's butt? A brain tumor.

15. How do you make a moderator laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on a Friday afternoon.

----------


## Rick

I feel an abuse of power coming on.

----------


## Ken

> I feel an abuse of power coming on.


No worries.  It's probably just gas.

----------


## Sarge47

Okay, who snitched to the mouthpiece?  Someone's been talking, otherwise how could he know all of that?  :Online2long:  BTW, Know how to save a drowning lawyer?  Throw 'em an anvil!  It won't save them but it beautifies the country! :Innocent:

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

What is a criminal lawyer?

Redundant.

----------


## tennecedar

Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, "Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?"

The man answered, "180." Saint Peter replied, "What were you? A rocket scientist?" "Yes, sir," the man answered. "Okay, go on in," said Saint Peter.

The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. "160," replied the second man. "What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. "Yes, sir." He was allowed in, too.

The third man came forward and was asked the same question. "68," he replied. "Well." said Saint Peter. "Did you get your deer?"

----------


## tennecedar

Three men went hunting in a dense forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle, and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or he's gonna die."

"How 'er we gonna carry 'em?" Stan asked. "Why Elmer, he weighs a good two hunnert pounds."

"He!! Stan! That ain't nuttin'," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigge 'n 'at, all da time. We kin do it da same way." Walt was right.

In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it." Walt said, "Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit 'em in da heart."

"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."

"Darn-it Stan! I told ya we shouldn't a tied 'em to da hood. All dem tree branches smackin' into 'em for da first five miles probably beat 'em to death!"

"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.'

"See, Walt! I kept tellin' ya to hold your end up higher 'cause dat sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hittin' da rocks and logs. An' I'm sure he drowned when we crossed dat crick."

"You was da one dat dropped your end of the pole when you fell off dat rock. Poor old Elmer musta been unner water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole an' fallin' all over yaself."

"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown, and he might have been able to survive that, too."

Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions, then asked the doctor, "Den what wuz it?" The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the field dressing probably had a lot to do with it."

----------


## tennecedar

Two men were on an Alaskan bear hunt. On season opening morning, a light snow fell, and one man stayed in the cabin while the other man went out hunting. He soon found a huge grizzly and shot at it, but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward the hunter, he dropped his rifle, and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over the man and went rolling into the cabin.

The guy jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

> Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, "Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?"
> 
> The man answered, "180." Saint Peter replied, "What were you? A rocket scientist?" "Yes, sir," the man answered. "Okay, go on in," said Saint Peter.
> 
> The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. "160," replied the second man. "What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. "Yes, sir." He was allowed in, too.
> 
> The third man came forward and was asked the same question. "68," he replied. "Well." said Saint Peter. "Did you get your deer?"


ha...ha ha...ha ha ha...ha h..oh wait, it's not funny. *sigh* *shrug* 
 :bat: 
/me walks away mumbling about needing a target for sighting in  a new .270.

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

> Two men were on an Alaskan bear hunt. On season opening morning, a light snow fell, and one man stayed in the cabin while the other man went out hunting. He soon found a huge grizzly and shot at it, but only wounded it.
> 
> The enraged bear charged toward the hunter, he dropped his rifle, and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
> 
> Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over the man and went rolling into the cabin.
> 
> The guy jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"


Now THAT was effin funny.

----------


## Ken

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. 

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,'You died in your sleep, Ralph. 

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St.. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. 

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg be fore?' 'Never,' said Ralph.  'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.. 

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. 

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack onthe back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'Ralph! Wake up. You sh*t the bed!'

----------


## tennecedar

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says."Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,"the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.A couple of minutes later, The first guy says,
 "Did you see that?""See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.""Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

----------


## Pict

Here's one from Brazil...

A man was unemployed and saw that the Rio De Janeiro zoo was hiring workers.  He stood in line with the the other 4000 applicants and waited his turn.  After the interview all of the jobs he wanted were taken.  The Administrator of the zoo took him side and confided in him.

"Today our gorilla died and we can't get another one.  If you want we can can dress you up in a gorilla suit and you can live in his cage.  He really is our main attraction and we can't afford to loose him.  The money is good and all you have to do is hang out and act like a gorilla."

The man was overjoyed and took the job.  Soon he found out that the more antics he did the more people would come back and watch.  He took to doing tricks and acrobatics.  The crowds grew larger and larger and the zoo never had so many visitors.  This only spurred him on to do more.

One day he was trying to do another back flip off the side bars, lost his footing and fell headlong into the lion habitat.  Worse, he broke his arm and couldn't climb back out.  The lion took notice of his predicament and started to pace back and forth.  The man got nervous and tried to crawl for cover but there was none.  The lion paced frantically back and forth and let out a growl.  The crowd pressed their faces to the bars, the lion crawled closer and crouched, cameras flashed.  The lion roared...

The man could take it no longer, no job was worth dying for.  "Help, Help!", he screamed.

"Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!", said the lion.

Mac

----------


## ArmedGeek

This guy comes home, flings open the front door and shouts, "Honey, I won the lottery.  Pack your bags."
Wife says, "Oh, that's wonderful.  Should I pack for warm weather or cool weather ?"

Guy says, "I don't care, just get the **** out!"

----------


## crashdive123

ArmedGeek - You have won the lottery as well.  Your prize?  You get to go here and tell us a bit about yourself.

----------


## Jay

Crash...you get more devious with each passing day!   nicely done!

----------


## Revelation1412

I love a good joke!

----------


## Sarge47

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BI*CH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen :Innocent:

----------


## Sarge47

PUNishment
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

----------


## Sarge47

The Ostrich.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

----------


## MatthewnOK

These are second hand, and both true stories.
I was watching a bluegrass show lost week and the lead singer told us a joke. 
His mother was a full blood cherokee. One day she called him and his three brothers to their sofa. She said, "Boys I want to impart some Indian wisdom to you." So he asked her swhat she meant. She replied "Don't ever drink a glass of tea before you go to bed." The children asked her why. She said, "If you do, someday you make wake up in your teapee..." I write the 2nd one later

----------


## Sarge47

Check it out!  
http://www.kxmb.com/getArticle.asp?ArticleId=354043 :Innocent:

----------


## RunsWithDeer

Know Why There's No Lawyers Pictures On A Stamp?

















No One Can Figure Out Which Side To Spit On

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A downhearted young hunter just got back into the big city after a weekend in the woods with no meat to be brought home for his family.

Walking the city streets he happened upon a bottle in a dirty gutter and he picked it up and rubbed it.  A Genie appeared... 

She told the young hunter he had three wishes she could grant him but with one catch.... For each one of his wishes every lawyer in the world got two or double what he wished for.... He agreed.

My first wish is for a big ole buck to take home to my family.  Every lawyer in the world got two.

My second wish is one million dollars and so each lawyer's bank account was credited with two million dollars.

My third wish is.... Ummmm.. Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.

----------


## crashdive123

> My third wish is.... Ummmm.. Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.


Thought you were going to say - now beat me half to death.

----------


## Ken

> A downhearted young hunter just got back into the big city after a weekend in the woods with no meat to be brought home for his family.
> 
> Walking the city streets he happened upon a bottle in a dirty gutter and he picked it up and rubbed it.  A Genie appeared... 
> 
> She told the young hunter he had three wishes she could grant him but with one catch.... For each one of his wishes every lawyer in the world got two or double what he wished for.... He agreed.
> 
> My first wish is for a big ole buck to take home to my family.  Every lawyer in the world got two.
> 
> My second wish is one million dollars and so each lawyer's bank account was credited with two million dollars.
> ...


 :Huh:   :Blink:   :Sneaky2:   :Nono:   :angermanagement:   :Cursing:   :Mad:   :Smash:   :Death:

----------


## Ken

*About RunsWithDeer* 

Location 
Deep South, Michigan 

Interests 
hunting, fishing, farming 

Occupation 
*Machine design consultant* 

*The RWD Seal of Approval:*

----------


## tennecedar

MOTHER IN LAW 
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother- in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

----------


## tennecedar

ROAD SIGN 
A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for three weeks.

Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better." He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. After three weeks, he decided to call the farmer and see how things were going. "Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

I love lawyer jokes, both of my wife's brothers are lawyers.  I send them to them all the time.  One is the county DA, the other works for a fortune 500 company as a corporate lawyer.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - Your're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineers is becoming a pretty popular guy. 

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer "So, how's it going down there in hell?". Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You/ve got an engineer? That's a mistake, - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having a engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad, 'the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer!

----------


## RunsWithDeer

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation: 

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

> An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation: 
> 
> 'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
> 
> On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !
> 
> Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!
> 
> What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !


roflmao. *wipes tear* Thanks.  I needed to hear that.  This was all I kept hearing during the elction; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADUQWKoVek
(it's a joke to me. a tragic one, but still...I love the rythem. Every time he opens his mouth though I just wanna slug him.)

----------


## Ken

> both of my wife's brothers are lawyers.


I won't hold you against them.   :Innocent:

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## Alpine_Sapper

I hope this is PG-13 enough. it IS a commercial that is being aired in the UK, nation wide, I think.
http://www.divinecaroline.com/ext/vi...id=18432400001

----------


## Pal334

Which group are you?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. 

 Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, 

 screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds

 before he reaches you and your family.

*Group ones answer*

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! 
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

*Group twos answer*

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the  Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

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## Pal334

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' 
--------------------------------------------------------- 
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' 
The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' 
--------------------------------------------------------- 
'Mr. Sherwood, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 
'That's very fair, your honor,' Sam said. 'And every 
now and  then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' 
--------------------------------------------------------- 
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' 
---------------------------------------------------------- - 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' 
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' 
----------------------------------------------------------  

 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to   New York City ?' 
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. 

----------------------------------------------------------- 
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'  
Joe: 'Really?' 
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'   
---------------------------------------------------------- 
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I 
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 
ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered 
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 
'What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'  
He's still in intensive care. 
..................................................  ....................... 
The graveside service just barely finished, 
when there was massive clap of thunder, 
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, 
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

----------


## Pal334

Guts or B***s.  


There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: 

 GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 B***S - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the b***s to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' 

 I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.  


Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.  


Both result in death.

----------


## crashdive123

*Star Struck Bushwacker's Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire*
1.  Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. 
2.  Bandage left thumb. 
3.  Chop other fragments into smaller fragments 
4.  Bandage left foot. 
5.  Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand) 
6.  Light Match 
7.  Light Match 
8.  Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. 
9.  Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. 
10. Apply burn ointment to nose. 
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood. 
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene." 
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. 
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline." 
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. 
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

> Which group are you?
> 
> 
> Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the  Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
> 
> Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'



roflmfao...

----------


## Sarge47

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you!" sputters the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he says, and leaves.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. :Cool2:

----------


## Sarge47

> *Star Struck Bushwacker's Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire*
> 1.  Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. 
> 2.  Bandage left thumb. 
> 3.  Chop other fragments into smaller fragments 
> 4.  Bandage left foot. 
> 5.  Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand) 
> 6.  Light Match 
> 7.  Light Match 
> 8.  Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. 
> ...


After getting fire started after the thunderstorm has passed, calls 911 for the fire dept. as forgot to clear fire area 1st! :Online2long:

----------


## Sarge47

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'enough
motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his
head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2
was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than
two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being
hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to
be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as
she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no
less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His
reply, "I know. I already got that side.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS .

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the
Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was
parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you
drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I
took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said
"Cool!"

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE........
 :Winkiss:

----------


## grundle

There were a disproportionate amount of "sightings" from Kansas.  I wan't y'all to know that we aren't all idiots out here.  We just have a lower population, so you can see the trees through the forest, so to speak.

Surely they couldn't find any idiots in L.A. Miami, or New York?

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## crashdive123

no 1 tht cld ansr w/o txtng.  :Lol:

----------


## laughing beetle

:Lol:  :Lol:

----------


## grundle

> no 1 tht cld ansr w/o txtng.


omfg roflmfao lolololo

oh dear...I just rofled in my pants.  I better change and come back.

Speaking of New Yorkers I had an idiot sighting of my own.  I was in a chat room and the conversation went like this.

NY: So where are you from?
me: Kansas
NY: You live on a farm?
me: ...no
NY: Do you guys have electricity in Kansas?

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## crashdive123

Well???

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## grundle

> Well???
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Make that 2 sightings

----------


## crashdive123

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----------


## Alpine_Sapper

During a recenct conversation on a gun list I'm on,



>> Get a bay next time, you will be by yourself away from all the paper
>> punching, muzzle sweeping, n00bs..
----------
"Or the 'oil your gun after every magazine' guy...No joke, the guy had
one of those Tin Man oil cans and oiled the damn thing after every
magazine or misfire. You could see the splatter coming off of his .32
after every shot. It was like he was lobbing oil sponges downrange. 

You see some funny stuff at ranges these days. "

--------------

----------


## Pict

> During a recenct conversation on a gun list I'm on,
> 
> 
> 
> >> Get a bay next time, you will be by yourself away from all the paper
> >> punching, muzzle sweeping, n00bs..
> ----------
> "Or the 'oil your gun after every magazine' guy...No joke, the guy had
> one of those Tin Man oil cans and oiled the damn thing after every
> ...


I once saw a guy getting frustrated with his AR at the range.  It seemed to be jamming and there was lots of smoke coming form the gun.  I walked up to see if there was something I could do.  His shirt was totally splattered with oil and the gun was literally dripping from the action.  I knew what his problem was but concluded I couldn't fix it either.  Mac

----------


## Rick

If a little is good, a heapin' helpin' must be gooder.

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## Alpine_Sapper

you are correct sir. When I read "It was like he was lobbing oil sponges downrange." I was roflmao. I had to ask permission of the guy to reprint it here.

----------


## Pal334

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle

of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps

right in front of the car.



The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out 

to see what has become of the rabbit.



Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the

side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. 



"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car

and KILLED HIM."



The blonde says, "Don't worry."  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. 

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the

contents onto him.



The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off 

down the road.  Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops

down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out 

of sight.



The man is astonished, he runs over to the woman & demands,

"What is in that can?  What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" 



The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.  

It says  .  .  .   

                        (Are you ready for this?)    

                        (Are you sure?)

                        (You know you're gonna be sorry) 

                        (Last chance)    

                         (OK, here it is)

                   It says   .   .   .   





   "Hair Spray,  Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

----------


## Rick

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----------


## tennecedar

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest. They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

As the bull's pounding hoof beats got closer, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better start to 'brace' yourself!"

----------


## Rick

A Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and a Marine were walking down the street when they happened upon a lamp. The Canadian farmer picked it up, wiped it off and POOF out popped a genie. 

"For freeing me from my prison I will grant each of you one wish", said the Genie.

The Canadian farmer said, "I wish that all the ground in Canada was fertile to grow crops." 

POOF it was so. 

Osama Bin Laden said, "I would like a wall around Afghanistan to keep the infidels out."

POOF it was so. 

The Marine said, "Tell me about this wall."

The Genie said, "It is 5000 feet high and 100 feet thick. No one can get in and no one can get out."

The Marine said, "Good. Fill it with water."

----------


## crashdive123

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man cry.

Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.

When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

----------


## Rick

*How much does it cost for a Somali pirate to pierce his ears?*
A buck an ear!!! Aaaarrrgh!

*What did the Somali pirate name his daughter?*
Peggy.

*Did you hear about the new Somali pirate movie?* 
It's rated arrrrrrrrr!

*How do you know if a Somali pirate is a handyman?*
He has a peg-board leg!!

*Why does it take Somali pirates so long to learn the alphabet?*
Because they can spend years at C!

*What is a Somali pirate's favorite type of music?*
Arr and B!

*Why was the Somali pirate's butt so big?*
He kept stealing everyone's booty!

*How did the captain of the Maersk Alabama** keep his cool?*
  He wore anti-pers-pirate!!!

----------


## crashdive123

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

----------


## Ken

*That Was Funny!*

----------


## Pal334

A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed . . . 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." 

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit." 

The man asks the Sergeant: "Why the rabbit?" 

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

----------


## Rick

A truck driver trainee starts truck driving school. On the first day, the instructor poses a question to him.

"Your driving down a steep mountain and your brakes fail do you A) Start blowing your horn and hope everyone gets out your way till you can get to the emergency truck ramp. B) Cram your transmission into a lower gear and hope the engine slows you down. or C) Try to jackknife your semi hoping that going sideways will slow you down.

The Trainee thinks for a moment and shouts out, "D!".

The instructor replies, "D?  I didn't give you the option of D! What is D?" 

"Wake up my co-driver cuz he has never seen a wreck like this!"

----------


## Rick

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: 

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED --- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" 

He goes in and sits down. 

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. 

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. 

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. 

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

----------


## red lake

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House 
from Across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he’d been sitting on a park 
bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to 
go in and meet with President Bush.” 

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer 
president and no longer resides here.” 

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to 
the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” 

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is 
no longer president and no longer resides here.” 

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to 
the very same U.S. Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with 
President Bush.” 

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man 
and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here 
asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is 
no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you 
understand?” 

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just 
love hearing it.” 

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, 
Sir.”

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

a rabbit was hopping through the woods when he encountered a bear. the bear said; "rabbit."does poop stick to yer fur"?". "Why no" said the rabbit". "GOOD, said the bear," I need some toilet paper"!

----------


## Sarge47

A large, ferocious, gorilla escaped from a local Florida zoo, only to wind up in the back yard of an 87 year-old widow.  She looked out her window just in time to see it climb the big Oak tree in her back yard.  Scared out of her wits she grabbed her phone book & looked up "Exterminators.  Unfortunately Crash was not living in that part of Florida so she had to call another guy who's ad read "No Job To Large Or To Small!"  She quickly explained her situation, adding that she feared for her life!

"Can you get another man to help me?" the Exterminator asked, "My assistant is out sick today."

The lady said she would call her son & he should be there very soon.

Her son arrived just as the exterminator was unloading some items from his truck.  He had a shotgun, a spray can, and an ugly, yellow dog.  Puzzled he asked the guy what he was there to do.

"It's pretty simple really;" The Bug-Killer" explained; "This can is a spray can of chloroform and I need to climb up into that tree & spray the ape with it.  When he falls to the ground the dog is trained to rush in & bite the ape on it's privates & hold them until I can get down & spray some more chloroform on him, then we can get him into the large, heavy cage, on the back of the truck.  You job will be to hold the shotgun.  If the ape isn't chloroformed enough it might go on a rampage, it you think that it's going to do that you shoot it!  However...if I fall out of the tree you shoot that yellow dog!"   :m107:  :EEK!:

----------


## Pal334

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked
over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration..


'Thanks,' the girl replied.


The firefighter looked a little closer; the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.


The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

----------


## Pal334

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. 

Here are some of his gems:


  1 - I'd kill  for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  2 - Borrow money  from pessimists -- they don't expect it  back.

  3 - Half the  people you know are below average.

  4 - 99% of  lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  5 - 82.7% of all  statistics are made up on the spot.

  6 - A conscience  is what hurts when all your other parts feel so  good.

  7 - A clear  conscience is usually the sign of a bad  memory.

  8 - If you want  the rainbow, you got to put up with the  rain.

  9 - All those  who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my  hand.

10 - The early  bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the  cheese.

11 - I almost  had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we  met.

12 - OK, so  what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you  tell when you're out of invisible  ink?

14 - If  everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression  is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When  everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong  lane.

17 - Ambition is  a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be  lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her  friends?

21 - Eagles may  soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What  happens if you get scared half to death  twice?

23 - My mechanic  told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn  louder."

24 - Why do  psychics have to ask you for your  name?

25 - If at first  you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A  conclusion is the place where you got tired of  thinking.

27 - Experience  is something you don't get until just after you need  it.

28 - The  hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the  bread

29 - To steal  ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is  research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch  up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on  it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have  film.

And an  all time favorite-

34 - If your  car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights  work?

----------


## crashdive123

To my darling  husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let  you know about the small  accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.   

Fortunately not too bad and I  really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart,   and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.  

The garage door is slightly  bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. 

I am really sorry, but  I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for  you my sweetheart. 

I am  enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms  again.  


Your loving wife.

XXX

*PS - Your girlfriend called.*

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

your a bad wolf crashdive, your a baaaad wolf

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

there was 3 guys driving in the desert.
their car runs out of gas. 
so they decide to walk to a gas station.
each man decided to bring something to help them along the way
the first man brought the radiator.
the second guy brought a tire iron 
the third guy brought the car door.
after several miles of walking they stop to rest
one guy asked "why did you bring the radiator? to get a drink he answered
why did you bring the car door? so i could open the window if it gets hot
then they asked the thrid guy "why did you bring a tire iron"? the crank is broken and i might have to pry open the window

----------


## Rick

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

		There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris  		has allowed to live.


Guns don't  		kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

		Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was  		aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on  		the safe side.



Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself  		in the back of the head.


Chuck  		Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the  		information he wants.


What was  		going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they  		died? His shoe.

		Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water _AND_ make it drink.

		Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, _HE_ decides what time it is.


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a  		woodchuck could Chuck Norris?   All of it.

		When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for  		Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris invented  		the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his  		monther's womb.



Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost


The leading causes of death in the United  		States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer  


If at first you don't succeed, you're not  		Chuck Norris.


Since 1940, the year  		Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased  		13,000 percent.


"Brokeback  		Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the  		pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.


Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child.  		The bed wet itself out of fear.


If  		you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his  		three-hole-punch.

If Chuck Norris  		wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

remember what chuck said, Its time to die.

----------


## crashdive123

THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:
01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 
02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 
03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 
04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 
05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 
06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 
07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 
08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. 
09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody. 
10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

----------


## Pal334

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate

To his beloved
widow .

but she can't touch it 'til she's 14. 
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

How do you know when you're
staying

in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say,

I gotta leak in my sink, and the

clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

drinking age for Rednecks to 32? 

It seems they want to keep alcohol

out of the high schools.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a

Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Did you
hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' . .

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

----------


## Sarge47

Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar", the Preacher says..

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." 

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, 

and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, 

he prays ....

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks:

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says: 

"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!" 		 :Sneaky2:

----------


## Pal334

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting. 

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' 

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended.

----------


## Pal334

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). 

 If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. 

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

> The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). 
> 
>  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. 
> 
> Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


I'm not afraid of WORK...I'll lay down and go to sleep right beside it.

----------


## Ken

*Marines*

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten Taliban". 

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. 

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban". 

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. 

The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban". 

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. 

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them."

----------


## Ken

*IDIOT AWARDS*

*Idiot Number One* 

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants..  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.   I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your award, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Idiot Number Two* 

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.  

They are no longer employed at Boeing .  

Here's your award, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Idiot Number Three* 

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag."  While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he woul d either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated , the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.  

Don't bother with this guy's award. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Idiot Number Four* 

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs..  He immediately mailed in his $40. 

Wise guy........

But you still get an award

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Idiot Number Five* 

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."  The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs an award.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Idiot Number Six* 

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.   The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.  

This guy doesn't even deserve an award.   Give it to the partner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Idiot Number Seven*

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.  

Yep, here's your award.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Idiot Number Eight* 

We live in a semi-rural area, ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ), and we recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.  The reason:  "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  -  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and they REPRODUCE !*

----------


## tsitenha

__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
__________________

----------


## Rick

My own dear wife and her friend were driving down the road when they saw a rather large bird take a nose dive behind a school. Knowing that a bird that size diving at that speed could never have pulled out before hitting the ground, my wife pulled around to the back of the school building to find a father and son trying to fly a kite shaped like a bird. I offered both of them a sign.

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Ken

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. 

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. 

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. 

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

----------


## crashdive123

Been there, done that.

----------


## Ken

> Been there, done that.


 :Huh:   :Nono:

----------


## crashdive123

Like Quality Control, it was a public service.

----------


## Ken

:Shifty:   :Idea:   Ohhh!  Now I understand!   :Thumbup1:

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. 

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, Sir." 

The President replies, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas  
razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi." 

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. 

His only son, Stephen, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

Dear Stephen,  
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over ... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. 
Love, Papa  

A few days later he received a letter from his son.  

Dear Pop,  
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.  
Love,  
Steve  

At 4AM ... the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. 

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.  

Dear Pop,  
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  
Love you, 
Steve

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." 

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" 

"First Place!" said Snow White. 

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." 

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" 

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?" 

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters. 

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. 

"What happened?" they asked. 

"Who the hell is this guy Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

----------


## Alpine_Sapper

The Chief noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get over 
here!" "What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the 
new guy. 

"Paul," the new guy replied. 

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, 
liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I 
don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that 
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last 
name only: Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to 
only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Aye, aye, Chief!" 

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" 

The new guy sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, 
Chief!" 

"Okay.............. Paul,........ here's what I want you to do...

----------


## crashdive123

Sven and Ole were fishing one day, when Sven pulled out a cigar.  Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.  “Ya, sure, I tink I huff a lighter,” he replied.  Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bick lighter 12 inches long.

“Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands, “Vere dit yew git dat monster??”

“Vell,” replied Ole, “Igot it from my Genie.”

“You haff a Genie?” Sven asked.

“Ya, sure.  It’s right here in my tackle box,” says Ole.

“Could I see him?” Sven asked.

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.  Addressing the genie, Sven says, “Hey dere!  I’m a good friend of your master, vill you grant me vun vish?”

“Yes, I will,” says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.  The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million Bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkened and is filled with the sound of a million Ducks flying overhead.  Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yelled to Ole, “Yumpin’ Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

Ole answered, “Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Genie is hart of hearing.  Do yew really tink I asked for a 12 inch Bic?”

----------


## nell67

Well Crash,what exactly DID he ask for.....???

----------


## crashdive123

ummmm, errrrr, maybe a zippo?

----------


## Ken

If he was like me, he must have asked for "reduction surgery."   :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

8 Rules For Dating My Daughter 
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com

 When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. 

 Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. 

 So, I'll call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?

 As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.


Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. 

Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. 

Rule Four I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. 

Rule Five In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early. 

Rule Six I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. 

Rule Seven As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car. 

Rule Eight The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.


 My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too, there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate, ink washes off, and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

 One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Don't you remember being that age? she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

----------


## Ken

From the father of a daughter to another father of a daughter: Nice job, Pal, nice job!   :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

Love this Doctor!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  
Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'




AND......


For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

----------


## Pal334

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples: 


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 
 (On an airplane!)   

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' 
Her response - click. 


   3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a  Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation inOrlando . 
 He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. 
 I tried to explain that is not possible, since  Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 


 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see  England from  Canada ?''   I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!) 


 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in  Dallas .    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in  Dallas   When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard  Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)   


6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from  Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to  Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that  Michigan was an hour ahead of  Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 


 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' 
 She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.   (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 


8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .   After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' 


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 


10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said,   ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''


 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been toChina four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!


 12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I 've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!'' 
 So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? 
 ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' 


   YES, THEY WALK AMONG US,  AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

----------


## Ken

And now you know why most of the laws they pass are so screwed up!   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Pal334

> And now you know why most of the laws they pass are so screwed up!


Mental deficiencies and inability to leave things alone.

----------


## Rick

This is funny I don't care who you are. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv0mj...layer_embedded

----------


## Pal334

> This is funny I don't care who you are. 
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv0mj...layer_embedded


But he forgot his beer goggles :Smile:

----------


## Ken

Proofreading is a dying art, would you say? 

*Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter*

This one caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and a call was made to the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. 

*Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says*

No, really? Ya think?

*Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers*

Now that's taking things a bit far! 

*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over*

What a guy! 

*Miners Refuse to Work after Death*

Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant*

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

*War Dims Hope for Peace*

I can see where it might have that effect!

*If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile*
Ya think?!

*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures*

Who would have thought!

*Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide*

They may be on to something!

*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges*

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

*Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge*

He probably IS the battery charge!

*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group*

Weren't they fat enough?! 

*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks*

Do they taste like chicken? 

*Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half*

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors*

Boy, are they tall! 

*And the winner is....*

*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead*

Did I read that right?

----------


## trax

There was a headline in one of the Winnipeg newspapers a few years back that said "*HUMAN LEG FOUND IN RIVER*---Police suspect foul play"

Here I thought people were just throwing body parts they weren't using anymore into the river....damn litterbugs.

----------


## Pal334

> 
 Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a 
 window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before 
 takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the 
Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab 
in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.' 
 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle 
seat, I'll get it for  you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in  it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That 
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it... While he was gone, the  other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the 
Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and  knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab  neighbors...... 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This  spitting in shoes and p*****g in Cokes?'

----------


## Goloth

> *Wilderness Comments*
> 
> "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
> Please eradicate these annoying animals."
> "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
> "Too many rocks in the mountains."[/LEFT]


Dude, that was frikkin' HILARIOUS.  The one about the coyotes and the eradication... wow.

On a side note - 

It's also kind of sad if you look at the whole post, how you can see that people in America today are so caught up in their 'big city' lifestyle along with their pampered ways that if our cities were to be destroyed and man was forced to live in the wilderness again... well... we'd be f--ked to put it simply.  I mean I'm not one to talk - living in Phoenix, Arizona.  But at the same time, I at least know how to survive a week... lol good post though.

----------


## Ken

*New Bugout Boat*

----------


## Rick

I think that's the barge Hopeak has been looking for.

----------


## Goloth

> *New Bugout Boat*


Photoshop rules.  The end. hahaha

----------


## crashdive123

Works for me.....as the saying goes.

----------


## RunsWithDeer

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00..'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he of course wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

----------


## Pal334

Marine Corps Bumper Stickers:



   "U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah"

    "Stop Global Whining"

    "When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

    "The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

    "Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

    "What Do You Feel When You Kill A Terrorist?...Recoil"

    "Marines -- Providing Enemies Of America An Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

    "My Marine Can Pick Off Your Honor Student at a Click and a Half"

    "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

    "Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

    "It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

    "Artillery Brings Dignity To What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

    "One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"

    "Do draft dodgers have reunions?  If so, what do they talk about?"

    "My kid fought in Iraq so yours can party in college"

    "Travel To Exotic Places, Meet New People, Then Kill Them"

    "Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume"

    "A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

    "Guns Don't Kill People -- Marines Kill People"

    "If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Marine"

    "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

----------


## Pal334

An oldy but goody:  9-11 call about a deer in a car

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=02c_1...r=newest_first

----------


## Ken

Sarge and Rick went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Sarge awoke and nudged Rick. Sarge asked: "Rick, look up and tell me what you see". 

Rick, ever cerebral, said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars".

Sarge, always probing, asked "And what does that tell you?"

Rick pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"Why? - What does it tell you, Sarge?"

Sarge was silent for a moment then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."

----------


## Rick

We never did find it either!!!

----------


## Ken

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

----------


## Ken

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

----------


## snakeman

These jokes are hilarious. I have read every single one. This is getting to be a really really long thread. We are starting to repeat jokes!

----------


## crashdive123

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ...
Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

----------


## Ken

That's what we tell 'em all to say.   :Innocent:

----------


## crashdive123

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

----------


## Pal334

Sergeants' Methods


A group of Sergeants and a group of  Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve. 

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round. 

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. 

All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!” 

And the moral of the story? Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.

----------


## tacticalguy

What Did Helen Keller's House look like?

You don't know?

Well neither did she.

No offense just wanted to throw this out there.

----------


## Rick

"What did he write?"
"Well, Helen, it's about you."
"What a little darling."

----------


## Sarge47

I can't remember but here goes anyway!

Know how Helen Keller burned her ear?  From answering the iron!  Know how she burned the other one?  They called back.

Thanks for this joke goes out to Laura, a blind University student who rode my bus & shared it with me! :Smile:

----------


## snakeman

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

No offense intended.

----------


## crashdive123

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...

----------


## grundle

Hush girl, shut your lips
do the Helen Keller 
and talk with your hips

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## Sarge47

> Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...


Now this is what we call a "groaner". :Sneaky2:

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## Sarge47

*BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest
dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and
dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and
hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain
asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the
night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went
inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin
for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have
his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.*

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## Pal334

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,

         (NOW AT San Diego
         MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)


         Dear Ma and Pa,

         I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine  Corps beat s working for old man Minch
         by a mile . Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are
         filled.

         I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I
         like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
         smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
         mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

         Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
         strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
         kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
         other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
         two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til
         noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
         much.

         We g o on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant says
         are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell
         him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our
         mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back
         in trucks.

         The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school
         teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors
         and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

         This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
         for shooting, I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
         chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
         Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
         and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
         boxes.

         Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
         wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
         break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
         about the best they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
         I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only
         5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

         Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
         get onto this setup and come stampeding in.





         Your*loving daughter,


         Lori

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## crashdive123

Nice.......

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## Pal334

Compulsory BBQ RULES: We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:



Routine:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.


Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

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## mountain mama

*Never Argue with a Woman*



One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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## mountain mama

http://www.thedailyquip.com/USRSF.htm

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) 

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1.. The season opened today. 

2. There is no limit. 

3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 

4. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

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## Sarge47

> http://www.thedailyquip.com/USRSF.htm
> 
> The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) 
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.
> 
> These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
> 
> 1.. The season opened today. 
> ...


Isn't that the guy with the bumper-sticker on his pick-up that reads:  "My other gun is an M-51 Abrahms"? :Innocent:  :Sneaky2:  :Cool2:

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## Pal334

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. 
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST 

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. 

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. 

I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. 

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.  Beautiful pistol, eh? 

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?  I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.  I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me.  I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. 

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation.  

I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! 

I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. 

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink. "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side.  I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that.  I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. 

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). 

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated.  I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. 

- Alex 

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!

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## crashdive123

I like it....

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## laughingbeetle

An armed society is a polite society...good motto there.

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## mountain mama

A little known fact....


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

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## laughingbeetle

Snrrttt!!  There went the coffee!!   :Lol:  :Lol:

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## Rick

Yeah, but we knew early on what was the MOST important. So there! :Tt2:

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## laughingbeetle

Yeah but if you would think with the bigger brain you would probably get more done!  :Lol:

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## Rick

Man think...

"Who wants to live if your manhood gets injured. Give me that metal cup over there. I'm gonna try something." 

"What about your knoggin'?"

"Who cares? I'd rather my knoggin' get busted than...well, you know."

Everyone on team shaking their toothless heads in agreement

Towel Boy: "Hey! Where'd my cup go?"

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## laughingbeetle

Haha!!  Why do I see Adam Sandler in there somewhere?

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## Pal334

Not  a joke, just humurous:  Nothing gets between a GI and his chow

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=7f8_1243707843

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## Sarge47

Excerpt from a diary of a "little-known" Sasquatch hunting expedition:

Day 12:  Having gone deep into the Wilderness here in the state of Washington where many "Bigfoot/Sasquatch reports have originated, my partner, William Barrows & myself have had the great good fortune to come across some clear, unmistakenly large footprints; so large in fact, that they can only belong to the fabled Bigfoot who's very existence is the cause of much controversy.  We will be following these footprints to where-ever they may take us.

Day 16:  There has been nothing of consequence to report until today, when Will & myself found that the trail of footprints has led us to a very large clearing, where many more sets of these footprints have appeared, showing that, in fact, there are many more of these creatures.  They lead off in a Northernly direction, into a large Wilderness area.  We are "hot on their trail!"

Day 22:  I can't believe it!  After many days in dense wilderness, we came into a clearing shrouded with tree branches that obscure anyone spotting it from the air.  We found many dead Sasquatch bodies strewn all around & moved into the center of the whole mass of dead beasts when William made an astounding discovery:  They were not dead, but merely sleeping!
Now, greatly concerned for our own well-being we started to slowly retreat
when I accidently brought my foot down on a dry branch which broke in half, creating a very loud noise in doing so!  Immediately every Sasquatch 
sat bolt upright, wide awake!  Upon seeing us they all lept to their feet & began closing in, snorting and growling in low tones, all the while getting nearer & nearer!  Suddenly a young one, smaller than most of the others came right up to us & 1st started sniffing at William rather loudly.  He(at least I asumed it was a "he") then did the same thing to me.  His reaction startled & at the same time horrified me as he pulled back in such a "cocky manner" with such a "self-satisfied" smirk on his furry face that I knew for certain we were now on the menu!  Then he looked at one of the larger ones & said, in clear, recognzable english:  "See Mom....I TOLD you they really existed!" :Innocent:  :Sneaky2:  :Cool2:

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## Ken

A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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## Ken

Deer hunters will do anything for a buck.

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## Ken

A taxidermist from Massachusetts decides to take a vacation to Indiana. After arriving, he decides to visit the local watering hole. As he enters the bar he notices all eyes are on him, and there is an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The taxidermist approaches the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. After handing the beer to him the barkeep says, "Don't think I've seen you around here before, where you from and what do you do?" The taxidermist answers, "I'm from Massachusetts and I mount animals."  "Oh," the bartender says, "its ok boys, he's one of us!"

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## Sarge47

> A taxidermist from Massachusetts decides to take a vacation to Indiana. After arriving, he decides to visit the local watering hole. As he enters the bar he notices all eyes are on him, and there is an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The taxidermist approaches the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. After handing the beer to him the barkeep says, "Don't think I've seen you around here before, where you from and what do you do?" The taxidermist answers, "I'm from Massachusetts and I mount animals."  "Oh," the bartender says, "its ok boys, he's one of us!"


Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum. Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!  Ba-da-boom...He's gonna be here all week folks! :Innocent:

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## Sarge47

> A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## mountain mama

Dear Mr. Thorne
It has come to our attention through complaints by other tenants in your building that you have a dog in the premises.  Under the agreement you signed as part of the Strata, animals are not permitted.
Please call me or email me to discuss this matter as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely,
Helen Bailey

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits. 
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks. 
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

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## Rick

Oh my gosh! That was hilarious. Thanks for a grand laugh!!

----------


## Sarge47

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin. :Innocent:

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## Sarge47

*Burgled Blonde*
*A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.* 

*The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.* 

*"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.* 

*The blonde replied: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"*

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## oldsoldier

Okay sarge no more sheep jokes thaaaaaat laaaaast one waaaaas baaaaaaad!

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## Sarge47

> Okay sarge no more sheep jokes thaaaaaat laaaaast one waaaaas baaaaaaad!


Those last 2 were from my wife. :Cool2:

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## oldsoldier

Ohh okay they were kinda funny after all

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## Pal334

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. 
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... 
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. 
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

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## COWBOYSURVIVAL

An Indian walks into a drug store. 

He approaches the counter and exclaims, "Me need rubba"

The pharmacist gives the indian a random selection. The indian smiles big and pays for his purchase and is on his way.

The very next day the Indian returns and seems to be disgruntled exclaiming,

 "Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!

The pharmacist scratches his head and gives the indian largest size on the shelves.

The indian smiles and again is on his way.

The following day the Indian returns now red faced and very disgruntled!

"Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!

The druggist shakes his head in disbeleif.... He explains he has just the thing and goes out to his truck grabbing a new tire tube he had gotten for a tractor. He expediantly cut the tube in half and sewed one end up. He returned to the counter where the indian was growing impatient. A BIG smile crosses the indians face as the pharmacist hands over his improvised version of a very large condom.The indian goes on his way now skipping out of the store.

That very evening the Indian returns now furious and wielding a knife! As the pharmacist runs for the back door, the Indian exclaims -

ME GO UGH!......... RUBBER GO UGH!.........SQUAW GO POW!!!!!!

----------


## Sarge47

A cowboy truck driver parked his rig outside a diner & went in.  The waitress
asks him what he'll have.  He says he hasn't been able to eat much over the last several days & orders the biggest steak they have.  As he's waiting for his order six outlaw bikers roar up on their big Harley-Hogs, park them in a nice-looking straight line, dismount, and strut into the diner.  They grab some booths in the back and are clowning around making a bunch of noise when the waitress comes out with the Trucker's steak.  Eyeing the huge slab of meat the bikers walk over to the Trucker, one of which flips open an extremely sharp butterfly knife; which he then proceeds to use to cut most of the steak out of the center, leaving a rim about a half an inch wide, mostly fat, on the Trucker's plate.  Laughing, the bikers head back to their booths where they divide up the steak & proceed to devour it.  The Trucker continues to stare straight ahead, then pays his bill, walks out of the diner, gets in his rig, & tears our of the parking lot.  The Bike-gang leader struts up to the waitress & says: 

"Hey baby, that Trucker wasn't much of a man; he didn't even fight for his food!"

The waitress, still staring out the window after the departing Trucker responded:  "That's ok, he wasn't much of a truck driver either....he just ran over 6 motorcycles!" :Sneaky2:  :Innocent:  :Cool2:

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## Ken

The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert. 

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. 

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. 

Then one young scout raised his hand. 

"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." 

"Why's that Johnny?" 

Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..." 

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'

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## Ken

*After returning home from his honeymoon ...* 

... the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it. 

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks. 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. 

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues. 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"That's me before the surgery"

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## Ken

*A couple of old guys were golfing one day...* 

..., when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
 
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"

The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the crotch."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

----------


## Pal334

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me..

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

----------


## Pal334

A business man got on an elevator. 
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 

"T-G-I-F." 

He smiled at her and replied, 

"S-H-I-T." 

She looked puzzled and repeated, 

"T-G-I-F," more slowly. 

He again answered, 

"S-H-I-T." 

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 

"T-G-I-F." 

The man smiled back to her and once again, 

"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" 

The man answered, 

"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

----------


## Rick

A perfume saleswoman stepped on an elevator alone and had a sudden urge to pass gas. Since she was all alone, she let one go. It turned out to be much worse than she expected so she rummaged in her purse for a moment and pulled out a bottle labled "Scent of Lilacs". She spritz the inside of the elevator and stuck the bottle back in her purse. 

Just then the elevator stopped, the doors opened and drunk stumbled into the elevator. He stopped abruptly, took a long sniff and thought for a moment. He took another long sniff and looked at the woman. "Whas that smell?" he asked. 

"Do you like it?" she inquired. 

"Oh, heck yea. Smells like someone crapped a flower garden."

----------


## Terri

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk0HY...om=PL&index=18

----------


## Pal334

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 


1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. 

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints. 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. 

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. 

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. 


We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.. 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. 

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? 
Because we were always outside playing...that's why! 


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K. 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. 

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. 
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.. 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.. 
Imagine that!! 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.. 

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. 
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS! 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. 

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. 

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ? 

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: 
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

----------


## Rick

Some of my least favorite parent sayings that I had recited to me: 

If you get a whippin' at school, you'll get one when you get home.
Go cut a switch and you better make it a good one.
Don't run from me! You'll only make it worse!
Just wait until your father gets home!

After I got older, I sensed a theme to my youth.

----------


## crashdive123

One of my all time favorites - I'll give you something to cry about.

----------


## Ken

Thanks, Pal.  Only now do I understand just how neglected and deprived I really was growing up.   :clap:

----------


## Pal334

Amazingly, we grew up fairly normal :Sneaky2:  :Alien:  :Thumbup1:

----------


## Rick

What? You call this normal?

----------


## Pal334

> What? You call this normal?


Sure, what else can we call co equal (if there is such a thing) weirdness  :bat:

----------


## Pal334

I know this is not a joke, but did not want to start a whole new thread. Also hpe it is not considered political, that is not my intent. If ya'll think it is ,delete it, no harm no foul or complaint here.

Firearms Refresher

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject. 


2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.


3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control. 

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords and IEDs? 

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words. 


7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms. 

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any. 

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. 

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved. 

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand? 

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others. 

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday. 

14. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians. 

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety. 

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive. 

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer. 

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device. 

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer. 

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson. 

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them. 

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for. 

23.. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more. 

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves. 

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

----------


## crashdive123

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

Dont worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway, the old man replies. Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&Ms.

----------


## Fletcher

Crash  that was.................funny!!!!!!!

----------


## Sarge47

This is NOT open to discussion so we won't violate the forum rules here, but it was too funny NOT to post!  Besides, all politicians are fair game when it comes to ridicule! :Innocent: 

*
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.  The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.  



This enraged the President then demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order.. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side. 

I love it! 
*

----------


## nell67

Not gonna discuss it,but THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon. 

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' 
night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed." 

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?" 

The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it." 
 :Innocent:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?' 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . ..Now give me back my dog.

----------


## Sarge47

Now that was funny, I don't care who you are! :clap: 

So this Congressman, who's party affiliation will remain unknown so we won't have all the Dem's mad at us, :Innocent:  recently made a diplomatic trip to a small village in Africa at the bequest of his hero, idol, & favorite Prez: you-know-who.  All the villagers were gathered together and the Congressman was asked to make a speech.  He was given the services of a local interpeter who would translate everything the politician said to the villagers who spoke very little English.

"I am here today, because America cares about each & every person on this globe, as well as those in this village!"  He started.  The interpeter translated & the villagers all shouted out in one voice:  "Huzza Ganada!"

Encouraged by their enthusiasm, the Congressman continued.  "Yes, the USA is a great country, totally united and in agreement  on the idea of treating everybody in a fair, humane manner!"  Once again the crowd roared:  "Huzza Ganada", this time waving their arms as well.

Totally enjoying the response the Congressman said:  "In America, the best, smartest, & most loved American becomes the leader of his people, the nation, & gains much respect from the other nations in the world!"

"Huzza Ganada!"  The crowd shouted.  So emotionally overwelmed by the villagers' response the Congressman wiped tears from his eyes as he turned to his interpeter and said:  "It is my understanding that your people raise the best cattle in the region.  I, too, raise cattle back in America & would like to see your herd."

"Yes sir," his helper replied, we have many bulls that we supply to Spain & Mexico for their bullfights.  They are over in that pasture over there, but we must be careful when we go in there not to step in all of the Huzza Ganada!"   :Innocent:

----------


## Sarge47

* Old Dogs 
 			 			 		  		 		One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story... 

Don't mess with the old dogs...
*

----------


## Pal334

Blind Man In A Biker Bar

A blind man wanders into an all - girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.  After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter,  "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair – given that you are blind -- that you should know
Five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2.  The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3.  I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4.  The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5.  The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?' 

He responded, 
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'
 :clap:

----------


## Sarge47

So let's hear some "Blonde Guy" jokes!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said , 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch , I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed , 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off , too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said , ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time , I'm jumping too.'

The next day , the Irishman opened his lunch box , saw corned beef and cabbage , and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch , saw a burrito , and jumped , too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch , saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral , the Irishman's wife was weeping... She said , 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage , I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said , 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said ,

'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch...'
====================================

    * Why did the blond man miss his flight?
      He was just getting to the airport, so he went to Arrivals.

    * Why did the blond man miss his second flight?
      He was sure Gate C-3 was after gate B-2 which should have been after A-1.

    * Why did the blond man get arrested by Airport Security?
      The sign said 'Declare All Valuables' so he showed the officer the Family Jewels.

    * Why were there no great blond male gunfighters in the old west?
      They went broke having to buy a new gun after every six shots


    * How do you confuse a blond man?
      Tell him to alphabetically sort Social Security Numbers.

     *Why did the blond man drown?
        The sign said 'NO SWIMMING'.

      * Why did the blond man move?
      He heard on the news that a home invasion crime may happen where you live.
==========

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said that she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonde men laying sod across the street.

Enjoy!  :Cool2:

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

there was a survivalist lost in the woods.
he encountered a hermit.
the survivalist said; im starving have you any meat?
the hermit said: no but i have an apple that tastes like beef.
so the survivalist excepted it and took a bite.
the survivalist spat out the apple and said:man that tastes like crap!
the hermit said: you have to turn it around!

----------


## Pal334

Three bodies at the mortuary ...


    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles 
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

    The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old 
Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress.
    Hence the enormous smile."

    "The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand 
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
    Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

    "The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

    "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, 
Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

    "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

    "Thought she was having her picture taken."

----------


## crashdive123

For a second there I thought you were going to talk about plastic surgury and botox.

----------


## OICU812

......One day a man is driving down the freeway with his 5 yr. old son, then out of nowhere a convertible sports car came whizzing past.
There was a very hot young blonde standing up waving to everyone while totally nude!
The father cringed and looked over at his little boy and then asked him, "By chance did you notice anything about the lady in that car?".
He said, "I sure did daddy, she did'nt have a seatbelt on!".
:lmao:
Never underestimate the innocence of a child.

----------


## Pal334

One Nation, 'Under God.' 

One day a 6  year old girl was sitting in a 
Classroom. The teacher was  going to explain 
Evolution to the children. The teacher asked 
A little boy: Tommy do you see the tree 
Outside? 

TOMMY:  Yes. 

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass 
Outside? 

TOMMY: Yes. 

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and  see 
If you can see the sky. 

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes 
Later) Yes, I saw the sky. 

TEACHER: Did you see God up there? 

TOMMY: No. 

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see 
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just 
Doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the 
Boy some questions. 

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked 
The boy: Tommy, do you see the tree 
Outside? 

TOMMY:  Yes. 

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass 
Outside? 

TOMMY: Yessssss! 

LITTLE GIRL:  Did you see the sky? 

TOMMY: Yessssss! 

 LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the 
Teacher? 

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain? 

TOMMY: No 

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we 
Were taught today in school, she possibly 
May not even have one!

----------


## Sarge47

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn on  the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and  found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon. "Hey Willie," the farmer said.,  "Forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I'll help you  with that wagon after we eat."  "That's mighty nice of you, but Pa wouldn't like that,"  Willie replied. 
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.  
"Well, okay, " the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like  it." 
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a  lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset." 
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"  
"Under the wagon."

----------


## mountain mama

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:


'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'


Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
Across in about 2 hours, having Almost drowned twice.





After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength
And the tools to cross the river'





Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
Was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.





Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:



'God, please give me the strength,
The tools and the intelligence to cross the river'





Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.





 She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked Across
the bridge.



'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!

----------


## Pal334

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers.. 
 When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him..
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was. 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
 They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
 Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
 He asked once more if the jar was full.
 The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' 

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
 The students laughed.. 

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
 The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. 

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. 

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
 The same goes for life.
 If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.  

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

 Spend time with your children.
 Spend time with your parents.
 Visit with grandparents.
 Take time to get medical checkups.
 Take your spouse out to dinner.
 Play another 18.
 There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
 Set your priorities.
 The rest is just sand.
 One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

 The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' 

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

----------


## crashdive123

Very nice.

----------


## trax

That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.

----------


## Pal334

> That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.


Ya know, you are the first to catch that. But what do you expect from a professor,, too much book learnin and not enough beer drinking

----------


## crashdive123

Waste?  I think not.  He just ran it through a three stage filter first.

----------


## Pal334

Always looking for the bright side  :Smile:

----------


## trax

> Waste?  I think not.  He just ran it through a three stage filter first.


I figure when it comes to beer, I'm really just filtering it anyway, so that's the only filter it needs

----------


## Ken

> That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.


No big deal.  I heard he used Bud.   :Innocent:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Alright.....which one of you guys, has been out, hunting with your dog???

----------


## Rick

I'd dress like that too if I was going to sniff the back side of my dog.

----------


## Ken

Little Johnny is at it again.... 

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the 
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their 
meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the 
discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president asked the 
class for an example of a 'tragedy'. 

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a 
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, 
would that be a tragedy?' 

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' 

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove 
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, would that be a tragedy?' 

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the 
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' 

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet 
voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 
'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that 
would be tragedy?' 

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't 
be a great loss... And it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

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## Ken

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog 
chow for my loyal pet Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the 
checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have 
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I 
was starting the Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably 
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd 
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes 
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way 
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and 
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is 
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it 
again. (Everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog 
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an 
Irish Setter's a-- and a car hit us both.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in 
the world to think of crazy things to say.

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## Sarge47

*How Many Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether its lightbulb or light bulb  another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say didnt we go through this already a short time ago?

13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.  
*

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## crashdive123

Now that's funny (sadly all too true as well).

Hey --- that gives me an

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## Pal334

ITALIAN GRANDFATHERS

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.

An old  Italian Mafia Don is dying.. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Elio,

    I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated

    .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I  really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
Watch  instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA  business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and  maybe a couple of
bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'

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## Rick

My wife and I walked out of the drugstore yesterday and a police officer was writing out a parking ticket. 

"Hey, come on," I said. "Can't you give an old guy a break?"

The cop kept writing so my wife called him a jerk, which prompted him to write a second ticket. I told him he was a sorry excuse for a cop and that if I was a few years younger I'd whip some sense into him. He placed the two tickets under the wiper and started writing a third. 

When my wife saw him start on the third ticket I had to physically hold her back. She called him a few names I can't post but suffice it to say a fourth ticket was written. 

After the fourth ticket we kept our mouths shut and watched the police officer climb into his squad car and drive away never having said a thing. 

I looked at my wife and we both started laughing. It wasn't our car. Hey, we're getting old we have to have some fun now and then.

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## Ken

Now that's the Rick I've known all along.   :Sneaky2:

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## Pal334

Classifieds 
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day....   

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:  
8-years old. Hateful little ba***rd. Bites!  

FREE PUPPIES:   
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.  

FREE PUPPIES:   
Mother, AKC German Shepherd..  
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.   

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:   
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.   
Better be a big reward.   

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.   
Also 1 gay bull for sale.  

NORDIC TRACK:   
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES:   
California grown - 89 cents/lb.   

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!   
Must sell washer and dryer $300.   

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE :   
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.  

And the best one?:   

FOR SALE BY OWNER:   
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.   $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,   Got married last month. Wife knows everything. 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Vat Da Hell, Ole ?

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. 

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.  However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.  'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?


















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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## Ken

*Why I fired my Secretary*

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.. 


I went downstairs for breakfast 
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. 



As it turned out, 
she barely said good morning, 
let alone ' Happy Birthday.' 

I thought.... 

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... 
They will remember. 

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast 
and didn't say a word.. 

So when I left for the office,  
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 


As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way 
Happy Birthday ! ' 

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.. 

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' 



I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' 

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. 

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.  
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 



On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... 

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' 

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' 

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' 

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,' Boss, if you don't mind,I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... 

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 


'Happy Birthday'. 

_And I just sat there...._

On the couch... 

Naked.

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## Ken

*MY ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce*
*started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final,*
*later that same year.*

*Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury*
*in the aircraft she was piloting.*

*Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton*
*because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.*

*The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a*
*single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while*
*only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)..*

*The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on*
*board. No one on the ground was injured.*

*The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent* 
*of damage to her aircraft.*

*She was really lucky.*

*.*

*.*

*.*

*.*

*.*

*.*

*.*


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## 2dumb2kwit

I got this off another.......ummmm......I'm not the one who made this up. :Innocent: 


Government Instructions Confusing 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One must be very careful when following government instructions because sometimes they can be confusing. For example:

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible." 

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service." ]

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## Ken

> I got this off another.......ummmm......I'm not the one who made this up.


SARGE!   RICK!   CRASH!   He was gonna' say *'ANOTHER FORUM'!*  That's what he was going to say.  He almost slipped and barely caught himself.  Clearly, sanctions are warranted.   Rick, lemme' borrow your BAN BUTTON for a second......... :Sneaky2:

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## Rick

I'll get back to you. I'm placing the post under different types of light at the moment to see if I can determine what the original post beneath the ummmm is. If that doesn't work, I'll try Crazy Glue. 

Your Minister of Science at work...........

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## 2dumb2kwit

*REDNECK*,...... I was gonna say Redneck!

 Yeah, that's it!!! :Innocent:

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## Ken

> *REDNECK*,...... I was gonna say Redneck!
> 
> Yeah, that's it!!!


First TREASON and now PERJURY.   :Sneaky2:

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## Rick

I smell sedition.

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## 2dumb2kwit

> First TREASON and now PERJURY.


Innocent, until proven guilty! :Innocent: 
(And I know a good lawyer!)

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## Rick

Well....you know a lawyer....

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Well....you know a lawyer....


 *YEAH!* And I don't think he ever sleeps! And he'll soon be working to protect my interest!

 Ken, this is on the way, to you.

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## Rick

Whoa! QC has a tough job! Good luck with that one.

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Whoa! QC has a tough job! Good luck with that one.


 Ain't that what you send to a lawyer, to get him to help you??? LOL :Innocent:

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## Ken

> Ain't that what you send to a lawyer, to get him to help you??? LOL


No. This is what you send: Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

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## Ken

If you hear a loud noise in the sky, it isn't thunder, it's Elvis beating the sh!t out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.

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## welderguy

All I could do was LAUGH.

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## Sarge47

> All I could do was LAUGH.


The winner of this week's "Numpty of the Week!"  Yes Mr. Grocer, please make me some ground beef so no animals will be harmed!  Yes, myparents did have asome kids who lived, my sister.   :Sneaky2:  :Innocent:  :Online2long:

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## Rick

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to  fart.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the  beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my  pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly  remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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## crashdive123

Nice.........

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## Ken

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBUl7oT9sA

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## Pal334

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBUl7oT9sA


I will use that line next time I deal with the pain in the a**  bean counters. They are such tight a**es it may make them faint  :Smile:

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## 2dumb2kwit

This is credited to an episode of Cheers in which Cliff explains to Norm the 'Buffalo Theory':

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

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## Pal334

> This is credited to an episode of Cheers in which Cliff explains to Norm the 'Buffalo Theory':
> 
> "Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Well,, thank you, that explains some of my brilliant decisions in my misspent youth  :Smile:

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## crashdive123

Yep - explains a lot.

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## Rick

I must have had some reeeeeeaaaaaallly slow brain cells 'cause I'm sure I have plenty of slow ones left.

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## crashdive123

You need to drink more.

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## Sarge47

> I must have had some reeeeeeaaaaaallly slow brain cells 'cause I'm sure I have plenty of slow ones left.


Actually you have to have some brain cells in the 1st place before you go measuring their rate of speed!   :Innocent:  :Sneaky2:  :Cool2:

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## 2dumb2kwit

This is a real "Oh Crap" moment!

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?

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## Rick

That would be bad. But THIS is an "Oh, crap!" moment. It makes me sad just looking at it. 

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"Hello, boss? You remember when you told me to make certain the trailer door was locked? Weeeeeeell......"

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## 2dumb2kwit

Not actually a joke, but I laughed until I cried! Now that was comedy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

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## Ken

> Not actually a joke, but I laughed until I cried! Now that was comedy!
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY


 
2dumb?  Did you hear what that lady called you?   :Innocent:

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## 2dumb2kwit

> 2dumb?  Did you hear what that lady called you?


 *Hey, watch it!!!*  I'm not little! :Smash:

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## RunsWithDeer

Subject: A lawyer with a kind heart?

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place."

'The grass is almost a foot high.'

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## rebel_chick

haha that is awesome! Was not expecting that...

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## Pal334

Activity to pass the time.... 

The School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see 
if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 
50 years of age cannot do it! 

1. This is this cat. 
2. This is is cat. 
3. This is how cat. 
4. This is to cat. 
5. This is keep cat. 
6. This is an cat. 
7. This is old cat. 
8. This is fart cat. 
9. This is busy cat. 
10. This is for cat. 
11. This is fifty cat. 
12. This is seconds cat. 

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down 
and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on . .

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## Ken

*Boating Related Death*

*Not for the squeamish!* 

*SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).* 

*WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.* 

*THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE* 

*(CHILLING!)* 
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## Pal334

Do you realize  that the only time in our lives when we like to  get old is when we're kids? If you're less than  10 years old, you're so excited about aging that  you think in fractions. 

'How old are  you?' 'I'm four  and a half!'  You're never thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going o n five! That's  the key.

You get into your teens, now  they can't hold you back. You jump to the next  number, or even a few ahead. 

'How old  are you?' 'I'm gonna be  16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're  gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your  life . . You become 21.  Even the words sound like a ceremony .. YOU BECOME 21.  YESSSS!!! 

But then  you turn  30. Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had  to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're  Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's  changed? 

You BECOME 21,  you TURN  30, then you're PUSHING 40.  Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.  Before you know it, you REACH 50  and your dreams are gone. 

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to  60 You didn't think you would!

So you  BECOME 21,  TURN 30,  PUSH 40, =C 2REACH 50  and MAKE it  to 60. 

You've built up so  much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT  Wednesday! 

You get into  your 80's and every day is a complete  cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH  bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,  you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST  92.'

Then a strange thing  happens. If you make it over 100, you become a  little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' 
May  you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!  

HOW  TO STAY YOUNG
1.  Throw  out nonessential numbers.  This  includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors  worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'  

2. Keep  only cheerful friends. < /span>The  grouches pull you down.

3.  Keep  learning. Learn  more about the computer, crafts, gardening,  whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle  mind is the devil's workshop.'  And  the devil's  name is Alzheimer's.  

4.  Enjoy  the simple things.  

5.  Laugh often,  long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for  breath. 

6.  The  t ears happen. Endure,  grieve, and move on.. The only person, who is  with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE  while you are alive. 

7.  Surround  yourself with what you  love ,  whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music,  plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your  refuge.

8.  Cherish  your health: If it is  good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve  it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get  help. 

9. Don't  take guilt trips. Take a  trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a  foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.  

10.Tell  the people you love that you love  them,  at every opportunity. 

AND  ALWAYS REMEMBER:  
Life is not measured by the number of  breaths we take,but  by the  moments that take our breath  away.

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## Pal334

I have edited this a bit, to be PC, but it still pus the point across


I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.
I am an American.
I in God.
I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized,and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
 My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake, and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.
I believe if you don't like the way things are here,go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AMERICA ...We like it the way it is!
If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.
I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.
 I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in this country for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. Get a Job and do your part!
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

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## 2dumb2kwit

I found a video, of Rick and Crash, working their side job.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1ehMrK3itM

 I didn't know Rick could sing......and who would've figured crash could move like that??? :Innocent:

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## crashdive123

We practice a lot.

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## Ken

*REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES*

Juggling Knives is Easy

Where To Find The Toys In The Oven

Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things

101 Games to Play in the Road

Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

POP, Goes The Hamster and Other Fun Microwave Games

Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi

Monsters Killed Grandpa

Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul

All Guns Squirt Water

When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street

You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain

How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish

101 Recipies To Make With Dog

If It's Storming Out The Best Place To Keep Shelter Is Under A Tree

Your Nightmares are real

Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis

The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender

Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap

Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar Get a Flamethrower

Grampa Gets A Casket

Dad's New Wife Robert

The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

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## Ken

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

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## Sarge47

> *REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES*
> 
> Juggling Knives is Easy
> 
> Where To Find The Toys In The Oven
> 
> Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
> 
> 101 Games to Play in the Road
> ...


Missed these:
Running with Sharp objects is Dangerous; & Other Urban Legends.

Playing Cowboys & Indians With Daddy's Revolver is Best.

Making Slingshots out of Mommy's Underwear!

The 2nd Grade Teacher & the Single Student.

Why Children Should Avoid Considering "Being a Lawyer" as a Career.

 :Sneaky2:

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## Rick

And that old time classic. 

Bus Drivers Love a Wet Finger in the Ear.

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## Rick

*The  Philosophy of Ambiguity* 

FOR  THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF  THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE...


1.  DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T  PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,  FLOOR.

3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.  IF MAN  EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5.   THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD  GIRLS LIVE.

6.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S  THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE  PURPOSE.

7.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.  IF  A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH  SOAP?

9.  IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL  HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD  FOR SYNONYM?

11.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT  ALL?"

12.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN  ENDANGERED PLANT?

13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS  WAGES?

14..  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.  WHY  DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN  THEM?

16.  IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR  NAKED?

17.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.  IF THE  POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN  SILENT?

19.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK  MACHINES?

20.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE  YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED  BREAD?

22.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER  PEOPLE.

23.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24.  DO  INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25.  HOW IS IT  POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO  THE REST DROWN TOO?

27.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU  STILL BE HUNGRY?

28.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU  DONE?

29.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN  IT?

30.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF  "ASSTEROIDS"?

31.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT  THEM?

32.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33.  IF  YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME  DISORIENTED?

34.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF  GOD?

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## Pal334

Rick: I now feel my life crumbling around me  :Frown:

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## Ken

May I provide two answers?





> *The Philosophy of Ambiguity*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE...
> 
> 
> 
> ...

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## Rick

It's just the cracker crumbs. Vaccuum once in a while, will ya?

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## Rick

Banana....ban button.....banana....ban button. It's so hard to keep these things straight with my limited brain capacity. Ooooooo. The red one! I like red.

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## 2dumb2kwit

Ooooo....Philosophy. You mean like....

..if Ken, falls in the forest, and there is no one there to see it...is it still funny?

Or if vegetarians eat only vegetables.....what do humanitarians eat?

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## Ken

> ..if Ken, falls in the forest, and there is no one there to see it...is it still funny?





> Banana....ban button.....banana....ban button.... The red one! I like red.


*RICK! RICK! HIT THE RED BUTTON NOW! BAN THIS GUY! BAN 2dumb2kwit!!!!!!!*

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Ooooo....Philosophy. You mean like....
> 
> ..if Ken, falls in the forest, and there is no one there to see it...is it still funny?





> *RICK! RICK! HIT THE RED BUTTON NOW! BAN THIS GUY! BAN 2dumb2kwit!!!!!!!*


 Oh, come on. You have to admit, that that one was pretty clever. LOL :Innocent:

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## erunkiswldrnssurvival

my wife and my tennant wreak my car and didnt report it, i tried to call police and she had me arrested! thats funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Ken

> my wife and my tennant wreak my car and didnt report it, i tried to call police and she had me arrested! thats funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Gene, you need to add one of these to your PSK:

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And in light of your YouTube clips, maybe one of these:

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----------


## crashdive123

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

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## Ken

The Godiva Diet.   :Innocent:

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## rebel_chick

Ok so this may go overboard but it was sent to me and I thought that it was funny...












An elderly couple, 

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' 

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' 

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' 

Furious, Bert yelled,

'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 

'Nope', she replied. 

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' 

Without changing her expression,

Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. 
Shoulda bought a hat.'

----------


## Rick

Something to brighten your day....

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----------


## crashdive123

....and brighten my day they did.

----------


## wareagle69

does anyone here know how to tel when a lawyer is lieing?
its easy his lips are moving :Innocent: 
 :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:

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## Ken

> does anyone here know how to tel when a lawyer is lieing?
> its easy his lips are moving


 
Wow was that a funny one!  Let me buy you a cup of coffee, WE!

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----------


## Pal334

> Wow was that a funny one!  Let me buy you a cup of coffee, WE!
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Tssk, tsk,, play nice. And that is a nice coffee mug  :Smile:

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## wareagle69

uh no thanks i quit coffee a couple of months ago

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## Ken

> uh no thanks i quit coffee a couple of months ago


Maybe a soft drink instead?

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----------


## Ken

> uh no thanks i quit coffee a couple of months ago


 
Or a beer?   :Smile: 

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----------


## Ken

Milk?

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----------


## Rick

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----------


## Ken

*Vocabulary Words*

1. *Mushroom*
When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

2. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

3. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

4. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

5. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her harassment nothing to me.

6. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

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## Pal334

*Lesson 1:* 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' 


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' 
Moral of the story: 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. 

*Lesson 2:* 

Deleted, not appropriate for forum

*Lesson 3:* 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 

They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 
Puff! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' 

Puff! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after 
lunch.' 
Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say. 

Lesson 4 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' 
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

*Lesson 5* 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 
Moral of the story: 
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. 


*Lesson 6* 


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 
The dung was actually thawing him out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 
Morals of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your 
friend. 
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep 
your mouth shut! 

*THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE*

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## Ken

Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

=====================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

=====================================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

=====================================

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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## 2dumb2kwit

Ken 'Da Newt' and Stargazer have a new video, out.  :clap: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XsaC...eature=related

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## Ken

I'm the guy wearing the hat!   :Smile:

----------


## Ken

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----------


## 2dumb2kwit

If any of you go to the Yankee Kenboree, don't let Ken get you with this one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjCDLMtkNGc

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## Sarge47

>>Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.. 

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.' 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  :Online2long:  :Online2long:  :Online2long:

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## Ken

> Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


*OR*

"Brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and........." 2dumb2kwit

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## 2dumb2kwit

> *OR*
> 
> "Brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and........." 2dumb2kwit is all I know how to talk about!


 Nooooowwwww we understand. :Innocent:

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## Sarge47

> Nooooowwwww we understand.


Lose enough brain cells you become a lawyer!   :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:

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## Ken

Yet another of a long series of weak comebacks.   :Smash:

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## Ken

> Lose enough brain cells you become a lawyer!


Lose 'em all and you become a Moderator.  Just sayin'.   :Innocent:

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## Sarge47

> Lose 'em all and you become a Moderator.  Just sayin'.


I resemble that remark! :Blushing:

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## 2dumb2kwit

Kitty Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he
could say "F##k", the
Rottweiler ate him!"

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

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## 2dumb2kwit

Stupid pet tricks! LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xivhw...layer_embedded

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## Ken

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

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## 2dumb2kwit

Was this duck named Ken, by any chance? :Sneaky2:

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## Ken

> Was this duck named Ken, by any chance?


Got any Bread?

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## wareagle69

ooohhhh i got the joke of the day right here wait for it... ready... here it is


ken............hahahahahahahahahahahahah man i crack myself up

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## Pal334

Grandparents -- In the Eyes of Their Grandchildren:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with trembling voice; 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd got to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike? '' You're both old," he replied. 

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?'
he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!'

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised, 'mine says I'm 4 to 6.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another. 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.'

13. A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH HER, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.

14. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

----------


## Pal334

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE 





 1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."  ~Thomas Jefferson



 2.  Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams 




 3.  Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.


4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.




  5.  Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.


6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control. 



  7.  You only have the rights you are willing to fight for. 


  8.  Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety. 



 9.  You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.


  10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

11.  64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

 12.  The  United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved. 


 13.  The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

14.  What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand? 



 15.  Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.   



 16..  When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves. 

  17.  The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

----------


## Skysoldier

The Reason for High Veterinary Bills

A woman who was travelling across country and full timing with her pets brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." 

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. 

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

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## crashdive123

Now that there's funny, I don't care who you are.  Unfortunately all too true as well.

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## 2dumb2kwit

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.  Southerners can be so polite ....

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: "  ATLANTA ATC -  ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

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## Pal334

THat is funny ,

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## 2dumb2kwit

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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## Winnie

Now that's funny!and scarily correct

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## Pal334

Home Depot Scam

Please tell your male friends, etc. shopping at Home Depot about this scam! 

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. 

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. 

Here's how the scam works: 

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. 

It is impossible not to look. 

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet...!! 

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also April 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. 

So tell your friends to be careful. 

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Big Lots and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.....

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## Ken

You're just looking for new projects to do around the house, huh?   :Innocent:

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## Pal334

> You're just looking for new projects to do around the house, huh?


Ya know, I was there three times this weekend and nothing. Mmmm,, could it be my cologne? Sweat?

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## crashdive123

Pal - she was working on getting over to you - she just moves a bit slower now-a-days.

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## Pal334

> Pal - she was working on getting over to you - she just moves a bit slower now-a-days.
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Aaah, and here I thought it was that there was no McDonalds near by

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## canid

> If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!


that's why it _really_ starts with a far less distasteful act.

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## Pal334

The Zipper   

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became  aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height 

of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus 
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, 
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her 

to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted 

the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. 
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind 
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her 

picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the 

step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and 

screamed,  'How dare you touch me like that!  I don't even 

know who you are!' 

The Texan smiled and drawled,  'Well, ma'am, normally I would 

agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,  I kinda 

figured we was friends.

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## Ken

Are you sure that lady wasn't just 2dumb cross-dressing again?   :Sneaky2:

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## Pal334

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: 



Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? 

Your last name stays put. 

The garage is all yours. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can be President. 

You can never be pregnant. 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 

Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

The world is your urinal. 

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.   

Same work, more pay. 

Wrinkles add character. 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

One mood all the time.  

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

You know stuff about tanks. 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

You can open all your own jars. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough 

You almost never have strap problems in public. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades 

You only have to shave your face and neck.. 

You can play with toys all your life. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. 

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 

No wonder men are happier 

Send this to the women who can handle it   and to the men who will enjoy reading it. 

It is not how old you are, but how you are old. -Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)

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## Rick

Men own the remote, too. That's another good reason. Aaar, Aaar, Aaar.

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## crashdive123

....and they where the pants in the family........What's that dear?........Not the bluejeans?.........How about these?........OK, thanks.

Now what was I saying - oh yeah - men wear the pants in the family.

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## Sarge47

*A couple in Sutton , Ontario , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.* 
*
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.*
*
Breathe here.......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her...*

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## 2dumb2kwit

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.


So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message e. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.


Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............ .You're holding it upside down!'

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## Pal334

That just ain't right. But it is funny  :Smile:

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## nell67

Funny?? It's hilarious!!

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## Pal334

> Funny?? It's hilarious!!


I was trying to show some here before unseen (in me) understatement  :Smile:

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## Rick

Well, no wonder she didn't catch it.

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## 2dumb2kwit

OK...who would you like to do this to??? :Innocent: 

http://www.wimp.com/cokeprank/

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## Rick

Oh, man. That's nasty, I was even raining coke from the ceiling. You're cleaning up that mess, 2D, or I'm tellin' mom!

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## Pal334

I think some folks have a little too much time on their hands  :Smile:   And Rick, go ahead and tell on him he deserves it  :Smile:

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## rebel_chick

The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert. 
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. 
Then one young scout raised his hand. 
"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." 
"Why's that Johnny?" 
Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..." 
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'

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## pocomoonskyeyes

Equus said that's the next thing to go in her kit!!!! That was so funny she got choked from laughing!!

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## crashdive123

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----------


## rebel_chick

well why not, you get bored sometimes anyway right? especially if you are out for a LONG time. Makes sense but I thought it was really funny too.

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## doug1980

Well not exactly what I thought this thread was about, but it was funny.  :Smile:

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## rebel_chick

oops sorry, that is just what it was called. What did you think it was about?

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## doug1980

I made a post about it.  Implementing survival cards or similar.  Still a good posts though my wife thought it was hilarious.  :Smile:

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## rebel_chick

O, ok well got a good laugh anyhow. Tried to fix it but wouldn't show on the thread title.

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## crashdive123

How do you want the title to read?  I'll edit it if you want it changed.

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## rebel_chick

Just so they know it is a joke. I don't care. Can title it jokes if ya want to.

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## rebel_chick

I do hope that this one does not offend anyone.

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. 

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. 

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked. 

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" 

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. 

"That's real good!" said the redneck. 

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." 

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" 

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on. 

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. 

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. 

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

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## doug1980

HA HA HA I don't care who you are, that's funny.

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## rebel_chick

:Blushing: guess I shoulda posted on the regular jokes huh? o well, now we got another one.

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## Sarge47

I'm moving it right now.   :Cool2:

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## mountain mama

A group of friends went deer hunting
  and paired off in twos for the day.. That night, one of the
  hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
  eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others
  asked.  

  'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
  miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter
  replied.  

  'You left Henry laying out there
  and carried the deer back?' they inquired.


  'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But
  I figured no one is going to steal
  Henry!'

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## rebel_chick

haha, that is messed up!

And thanks so much Sarge.

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## Pal334

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . .. 



(scroll down)  











"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

----------


## Pal334

Aunt Karen


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:   Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?' 

'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking

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## Ken

Betcha' Nell could do that when she was clean sober.  Just sayin'.   :Innocent:

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## Rick

Clean and sober? Backing QUICKLY away from thread. Now running like H**l!!!!!

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## nell67

> betcha' Nell Could Do That When She Was Clean Sober. Just Sayin'.


 Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## crashdive123

OK Rick - it's safe to come back.

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## Rick

A mechanic was working on the brakes of a car when a drop of brake fluid landed on his lips. To his surprise, it tasted very good. He dabbed his finger in a bit of the fluid and touched it to his lips. Amazing!

That evening he told his buddy what had happened. "That stuff is really good," he told him. 

Later that week, the two of them were sitting around drinking beer and the mechanic said, "You know, I drank a cap full of brake fluid today. I can't get over just how good that stuff tastes."

"Are you nuts?" asked his buddy. "That stuff is poisonous. You keep drinking that and you'll either get hooked on it or kill yourself."

"Nonsense," replied the mechanic. "I can stop any time I want."

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## Ken

You really should get a day job.

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## mountain mama

see crash, this is what happens when you invite Rick back

just sayin'

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## Rick

And to BOTH of you...

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----------


## Ken

> And to BOTH of you...
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Wow, Rick, you were able to pull those pants right over your head!   :Innocent:

----------


## Rick

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----------


## Pal334

* Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter: All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.

Signed, God Gen, USAF, Retired.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they dont speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase secure the building.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* Three men are using the latrine: an airman, a sailor, and a soldier. The airman finishes and washes his hands using a lot of soap and water, then dries using five paper towels. He says In the Air Force, were taught to wash and dry thoroughly. The sailor finishes and washes his hands using very little soap and water and dries with one paper towel. He says In the Navy, were taught to conserve our resources. The soldier finishes and walks out, saying, In the Army, we just dont pee on our hands.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

* Theres an Air Force guy driving from McChord Air Force Base FB to Fort Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, Man, I am really lucky to be alive! Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, I cant believe I survived this wreck! The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals.

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, You know, youre absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Im gonna see what else survived this wreck.

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.

The Army guy replies, Youre da** right! and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, Your turn! The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, Nahh, I think Ill wait for the cops to show up.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

* The four service chiefs are sitting around debating which service has the bravest troops.

The Army chief steps up, calls over a soldier and says, Soldier, go take out that insurgent house by yourself. The soldier salutes smartly, yells Hooah! and charges into the building, fighting bravely before being eventually overcome. The Army chief says, See? Thats courage!

The Marine Corps commandant stands up and says, H**l, Ill show you real courage. He calls over a young Marine and says, Marine, charge that terrorist camp by yourself and kill em all! The Marine salutes smartly, yells Semper Fi! and charges into the camp, fighting valiantly before eventually being overcome. The commandant says, Now thats courage!

The Navy chief stands up and says, H**l, Ill give you some real courage! He calls over a young seaman and says, Seaman, go swim out to sea in shark-infested waters by yourself and clear that underwater minefield! The sailor salutes smartly, says Aye, aye, sir! and jumps into the water, bravely fighting off the sharks and attacking the mines until eventually being overcome. The Navy chief says, Now theres Navy courage!

The Air Force chief smiles to his fellow service chiefs and quietly calls over a young airman. Airman, he says, I want you to fly through those impenetrable air defenses over there and bomb that target. The airman sees his mission into impending doom, looks at the chief, and says Sc**w you, sir, and walks away. The Air Force chief looks around at the table and says, See? Now thats courage!

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* Q: The Air Force calls them helicopters, the Army calls them choppers  what does the Marine Corps call them?

A: UUNGHHH! UUNGHH! (while pointing skyward).

----------


## Pal334

following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...  












"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other   bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."  




ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth.. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. 




    ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.  




    ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. 




    ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ..  




    ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. 




    ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.  




    ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.  




    ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)  




    ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.  




    ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language.. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)  




    ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

----------


## Ken

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## nell67

LMAO @ Ken,you know,I did a search on that phone number at the bottom of the page,and it REALLY is for a Kmart in Reno!

----------


## Rick

The "Bill or Rights" wasn't written by Rep. Kaye. It was written by Lewis Napper (you gotta love that name). 

http://www.snopes.com/language/document/norights.asp

----------


## Pal334

Just goes to show you, the politicians even steal other folks ideas  :Smile:

----------


## Rick

You are just sooooo bad.

----------


## Pal334

> You are just sooooo bad.



 :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

*An oldy but a goody*

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) 

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today. 
2. There is no limit..
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .  (for the non racing fans, he was an almost iconic figure in Stock car racing) 

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

ROBOT BARTENDER....

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back
the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him
another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "Uh, about 70."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy
you voted for Obama?"

----------


## doug1980

> *An oldy but a goody*
> 
> The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) 
> 
> These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
> 
> 1. The season opened today. 
> 2. There is no limit..
> 3. They taste just like chicken.
> ...


Well hell where do I sign up.  Sounds like my kind of huntin' right there.  :clap:

----------


## doug1980

> ROBOT BARTENDER....
> 
> A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
> "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back
> the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
> says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
> exploration and medical technology.
> 
> The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
> ...



Wow I got that email today too.  Good stuff.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote: 
__________________________________________________ ______

Dear Mom,



I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.



Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ______

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: 

__________________________________________________ __



Dear Son,



I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

----------


## doug1980

> * Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter: All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.
> 
> Signed, God Gen, USAF, Retired.
> 
> ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> * The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they dont speak the same language.
> 
> For instance, take the simple phrase secure the building.
> 
> ...



Pal I love these!  Some of them are so very very true.  :clap:

----------


## tacticalguy

> My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.
> 
> FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good.  But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."


I dont get it?......?

----------


## mountain mama

Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.'

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off.

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" 

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." 

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

We always hear " the Rules " 
From the female side. 

Now here are the rules from the male side. 

These are our rules! 
Please note... these are all numbered "1 " 
ON PURPOSE! 


1. Men are NOT mind readers. 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. 
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 
We need it up, you need it down. 
You don't hear us complaining 
about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides. 
Let it be. 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1.. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work! 
Strong hints do not work! 
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable 
answers to almost every question.. 

1. Come to us with a problem only if 
you want help solving it. 
That's what we do. 
Sympathy is what 
your girlfriends are for.. 


1. Anything we said 6 months ago 
is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become 
Null and void after 7 Days. 

1. If something we said can be 
interpreted two ways and one 
of t he ways makes you sad 
or angry, we meant the other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something 
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both. If you already know 
best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you 
have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and 
neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 
We have no idea what mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 
We do that.. 

1.. If we ask what is wrong 
and you say "nothing," 
We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, 
but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't 
want an answer to, Expect an 
answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, 
absolutely anything you wear is fine... 
Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking 
about unless you are prepared 
to discuss such topics as 
Sports or Sex. (not necessarily 
in that order) 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this. 
Yes, I know, I have to sleep 
on the couch tonight; 


But did you know men really 
don't mind that????? 
It's like camping.......

----------


## Sarge47

*The Most Dangerous Food*  			 			 			 		  		 		 			 			A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' 

After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'  :Cool2:

----------


## Pal334

An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. 

Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..

1. A Bible.....?

2. A silver dollar.....?

3. A bottle of whisky.....?

4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room..

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. 

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

----------


## Pal334

That's only 54 years ago! 


'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.' 


'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won't be long before $2,000. 00  will only buy a used one.' 


'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.  A quarter a pack is ridiculous. 


'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?' 

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.' 


'When I first started driv ing, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.  Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.' 


'Kids today are impossible.  Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed.  Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.' 

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it..' 

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.  They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in  Texas  ' 

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?  It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.' 

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now.' 

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.' 

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.' 

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.' 

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.' 

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.' 

'There is no sense going for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.' 

'No one can afford to be sick anymore; at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.' 

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

----------


## Rick

Mike  was attending the WSF regional jamboree and had just told the other members he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him  go.

     After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his  fellow WSF friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

      When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of  coals.

     "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go  Mike?"

     "I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

     "Last night  I was slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my  wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said surprise!!

     When  I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

     So Here I  am!

----------


## nell67

> We always hear " the Rules " 
> From the female side. 
> 
> Now here are the rules from the male side. 
> 
> These are our rules! 
> Please note... these are all numbered "1 " 
> ON PURPOSE! 
> 
> ...


 Dead man walking  (or typing) right here folks....

----------


## Pal334

A variation on an oldie but a goody

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.   He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop', says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.  If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

----------


## Pal334

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 


WOMEN'S REVENGE 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' 


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I'm not going to understand women. 

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 

and still be afraid of a spider. 


MARRIAGE SEMINAR 

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' 

He addressed the man, 

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it? 


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. 

She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store 

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. 

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. 

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 

neither of them wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' 

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 

30,000 to a man's 15,000.. 

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be 

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! 

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who 

should brew the coffee each morning.. 

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, 

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and 

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS' 


The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home 

and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him 

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, 
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

----------


## mountain mama

Six married men will be 
dropped on an island 
with one car and 
3 kids each for 
six weeks. 

Each kid will play 
two sports 
and either take music 
or dance classes. 

There is no fast food. 

Each man must 
take care of his 3 kids; 
keep his assigned 
house clean, 
correct all homework, 
and 
complete science projects, 
cook, do laundry, 
and pay a list of 
'pretend' bills with 
not enough money. 

In addition, each man 
will have to budget 
in money 
for groceries each 
week. 

Each man 
must remember the 
birthdays 
of all their friends 
and relatives, 
and send cards out 
on time--no Emailing. 

Each man must also 
take each child to a 
doctor's appointment, 
a dentist appointment 
and a 
haircut appointment. 

He must make 
one unscheduled and 
inconvenient visit per 
child to the A & E. 

He must also 
make biscuits or cakes 
for a social function. 

Each man will be 
responsible for 
decorating his own 
assigned house, 
planting flowers outside 
and keeping it presentable
at all times. 

The men will only 
have access to television 
when the kids are asleep 
and all chores are done. 

The men must 
shave their legs, 
wear makeup daily, 
adorn himself with jewellery, 
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, 
keep fingernails polished 
and eyebrows groomed. 

During one of the six weeks, 
the men will have to endure 
severe abdominal cramps, 
back aches, 
and have extreme, 
unexplained mood swings 
but never once complain 
or slow down from 
other duties. 

They must attend 
weekly school meetings, 
church, and find time
at least once to spend the 
afternoon at the park or 
a similar setting. 

They will need to 
read a book to the kids 
each night and in the 
morning, 
feed them, dress them, 
brush their teeth and 
comb their hair by 8:00 am. 

A test will be given at the 
end of the six weeks, 
and each father will 
be required to know 
all of the following 
information: 
each child's birthday, 
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size 
and doctor's name. 
Also the child's 
weight at birth, 
length, time of birth, 
and length of labour, 
each child's favourite colour, 
middle name, 
favourite snack, 
favourite song, 
favourite drink, 
favourite toy, 
biggest fear and 
what they want to be 
when they grow up. 

All the above must be completed whilst working 
in either full time 
(preferably) or part time 
employment to assist in 
the financial input for 
the family.

The kids vote them off 
the island 
based on performance. 
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy 
to be intimate with his 
spouse at a moment's 
notice. 

If the last man does win, 
he can play the game over 
and over and over again 
for the next 18-25 years 
eventually earning the 
right to be called 
*Mom!*

----------


## COWBOYSURVIVAL

> Six married men will be 
> dropped on an island 
> with one car and 
> 3 kids each for 
> six weeks. 
> 
> Each kid will play 
> two sports 
> and either take music 
> ...


Been doing all of this for 6 years! STILL BEING CALLED DADDY AND I LOVE EVERY SECOND!

----------


## Rick

You shave your legs, wear makeup and adorn yourself with jewelry?! Well, alrighty then.

----------


## mountain mama

I Want Pictures!

----------


## COWBOYSURVIVAL

WHOAAAA! I missed that part! absolutely not! It would take at least 2 cases of razors! Gees I messed that one up!

----------


## mountain mama

*notices he didn't mention the make-up and jewelry*

----------


## oly

I ALLWAYS GET THE LAST WORD IN!!!!

(yes dear)

----------


## Rick

I noticed he didn't deny that part.

----------


## oly

I cant believe how fast rick is on this site.

----------


## COWBOYSURVIVAL

I know I messed that post up! Cut a guy a break for being a proud Daddy! Truth is if that is what it took I would of done anything the judge fealt I needed to!

----------


## crashdive123

> I cant believe how fast rick is on this site.


He types fast.

----------


## COWBOYSURVIVAL

OK do I at least get the joke of the day award?

----------


## Rick

I actually have everything already typed out days ahead of time. Then I just cut and paste. I am the Minister of Science you know.

----------


## Rick

Okay. I'll give you the joke of the day award. 

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## mountain mama

> OK do I at least get the joke of the day award?


Only if you provide pictures.

----------


## oly

> He types fast.


I can diagnose a HVAC system and point and click and change parameters as needed but typing? :Eek2:  By the time I find the letters to write two words, Rick has written a novel.

----------


## crashdive123

A novel is a long narrative in literary prose. The genre has historical roots both in the fields of the medieval and early modern romance and in the tradition of the novella. The latter supplied the present generic term in the late 18th century.

The further definition of the genre is historically difficult. Most of the criteria (such as artistic merit, fictionality, a design to create an epic totality of life, a focus on history and the individual) are arbitrary and designed to raise further debates over qualities that will supposedly separate great works of literature from a wider and lower "trivial" production. The debates reach back into an early modern discussion of fiction and into simultaneous attempts to redefine the task history in the modern societies. A new field of literature was eventually defined in the 18th century in order to give works of "art" a place of their own  a place novels defend with a focus on the individual and more individualistic narratives. The personal memoir and the autobiography are the closest relatives as essentially personal though not necessarily individualistic histories.

----------


## Rick

Yeah. What he said.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Whuuut??? :Blushing:

----------


## nell67

[quote=Pal334;159134]WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 


WOMEN'S REVENGE 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' 


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I'm not going to understand women. 

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 

and still be afraid of a spider. 


MARRIAGE SEMINAR 

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' 

He addressed the man, 

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it? 


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. 

She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store 

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. 

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. 

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 

neither of them wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' 

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 

30,000 to a man's 15,000.. 

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be 

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! 

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who 

should brew the coffee each morning.. 

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, 

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and 

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS' 


The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home 

and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him 

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, 
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 



You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???  :Tongue Smilie:  :clap:

----------


## Pal334

Nell:  _ You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???_ 

I never agrue with her, unless I am at least 100 miles away and will not be home for several days. I have all of this stuff memorized. And I am very well trained. We use a spanish term, I am a "Lobo domesticado"  a domesticated wolf. I behave very well at home.   :Smile:

----------


## Rick

Yeah, but are you house broke?

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???


 Welllll.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olKE4JfeKnw

----------


## oly

2D you spend way to much time on you tube. (Thanks for the laughs)

----------


## nell67

> Nell: _You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???_ 
> 
> I never agrue with her, unless I am at least 100 miles away and will not be home for several days. I have all of this stuff memorized. And I am very well trained. We use a spanish term, I am a "Lobo domesticado" a domesticated wolf. I behave very well at home.


Yea,but she can't read this stuff on here and you are venting at her,right????J/K Pal,I think they are hilarious,and trying to be non-chalantly funny when I post those  little comments at you guys for the women jokes,they are not meant to make you think I disapprove of what you typed.

----------


## nell67

> welllll.....
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olke4jfeknw


Rotflmfao!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## Pal334

> Yea,but she can't read this stuff on here and you are venting at her,right????J/K Pal,I think they are hilarious,and trying to be non-chalantly funny when I post those  little comments at you guys for the women jokes,they are not meant to make you think I disapprove of what you typed.


Not to worry, after this many years, I think I am behind in the zings from her  :Smile:

----------


## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And 
> Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.
> 
> After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel
> 
> The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And 
> Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An 
> Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
> 
> 
> These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My 
> Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'
> 
> 
> The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go 
> Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First 
> Man Says,
> 
> 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'
> 
> 'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'> 
> 
> 'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was 
> Loving Her.' His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'> 
> 
> 'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'
> 
> 'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck, 
> And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window..... 
> Took My Teeth With Her!

----------


## mountain mama

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: 

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right Thar).

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says, 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive stuff.

----------


## Pal334

Don't laugh.....it is all true...these are the perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70 (or even the golden years) should we discover them.
  1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.  
 3.  No one expects you to run----anywhere. 
  4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? 
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 
  7. Things you buy now won't wear out... 
  8. You can eat supper at 4pm.  
 9.  You can live without sex but not your glasses. 
 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 
 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in ...
         no matter who walks into the room.
  13. You sing along with elevator music. 
 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 
 15. Your investment in health insurance ...
         is finally beginning to pay off.  
 16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists ...
          than the national weather service. 
 17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends ...
          because they can't remember them either. 
 18.  Your supply of brain cells is finally ...
         down to manageable size.   
 19. And never, under any circumstances ...  take a sleeping pill & a laxative on the same night.

----------


## DOGMAN

*I was emailed this today, thought I'd share....*


This is as close as it gets to explaining how government works!
-----

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the y oung man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now, give me back my dog.

----------


## doug1980

HA HA HA now that was funny.  :Smile:

----------


## Old GI

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

----------


## Sarge47

I laughed really hard the 1st time I read that on the "Joke-of-the-day" thread!   :Innocent:

----------


## Sourdough

DogMan, that is Funny......

----------


## DOGMAN

> I laughed really hard the 1st time I read that on the "Joke-of-the-day" thread!


sorry, i don't have the amount of leisure time that you do, to spend reading every post. :Smash:  :Smash:  :Smash:

----------


## Sarge47

Well now it's in the right place!   :Cool2:

----------


## Rick

You are in the middle of some  kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence,  painting the living room, or whatever. Youare hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in  the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of  tennis shoes. 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement  project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help  complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:    

In your  20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your  hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the  mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you  just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went  to school with the pretty girl running the register. 
 

In your  30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change  shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and  comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.. Add a shot of your  favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the  kid sister to someone you went to school with.  

In your 40's:

Stop what you  are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the  crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your  bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on  a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than  flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and  you feel weird thinking she is spicy.  

In your  50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your  hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in  your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that  shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register  smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you  remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I  Got Worms .'   

In your  60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the  dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.. The  girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you  are not sure.  

In your 70's:

Stop what you are  doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions  ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at  the register smiles at you because you remind her of her  grandfather.  

In your  80's: 

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you  remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander  around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you  think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who  greeted you at the front door.  

In your 90's & beyond: 

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?  Why am I  reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

----------


## Pal334

F16 vs. C-130



A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. 
The jet jockey decided to show off. 

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly 
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished 
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot 
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? 

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!! 
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!! 
Us old folks understand this one.

----------


## Rick

True, true.

----------


## crashdive123

Nice.......

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

HaHaHa...Good one Pal. Kinda reminds me of the joke about the young bull and the old bull. LOL :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

> HaHaHa...Good one Pal. Kinda reminds me of the joke about the young bull and the old bull. LOL


Being an Old Bull is much more fun  :Smile:

----------


## Rick

Being full of bull....never mind.

----------


## Pal334

> Being full of bull....never mind.


Mmmm,, I think I may resemble that remark

----------


## crashdive123

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. 
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. 
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

----------


## crashdive123

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To heck with your canoes!"

----------


## Pal334

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing a**-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the he**. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. 
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pi**ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

----------


## nell67

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

Menopause would be even better!

----------


## Pal334

> ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
> 
> Menopause would be even better!


Nope, I ain't going there.  :Smile:

----------


## nell67

> Nope, I ain't going there.


 
Why,or would that be an unfair advantage???? LMAO!

----------


## Pal334

> Why,or would that be an unfair advantage???? LMAO!


Having been married for 30 plus years and having experiencing it, I am certain it would be a violation of the Geneva Convention  :Cool2:

----------


## nell67

> Having been married for 30 plus years and having experiencing it, I am certain it would be a violation of the Geneva Convention


Probably right about that,but it would be one helluva secret weapon ,until they figured it out!

----------


## crashdive123

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

----------


## Pal334

Cup of Tea 

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', 
which was just water. 
After several cups of tea and lots of praise 
for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. 

My Dad made her wait in the living room 
to watch me bring him a cup of 
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' 
My Mom waited, and sure enough, 
here I come down the hall 
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she 
watches him drink it up. 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :-) 

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

----------


## Old GI

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

----------


## Pal334

If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.  
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying 
to undermine the police officer's credibility. 

Q: Officer, Did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.' Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes, Sir, with my life!

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in the room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Well, now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?

A: Well, you see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room!

----------


## Rick

I broke a mirror yesterday and that's seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get five.

----------


## Pal334

*Questions and Answers from AARP Forum*
*Q:* Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy 
women who are interested 
in them?	
*A:* Try a bookstore, under fiction.

*Q:* What can a man do while his wife is going through 
menopause?
*A:* Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. 
When you're done you'll have a place to live.

*Q:* Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? 
Where can it be  found?
*A:* Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to  Egypt .."

*Q:* How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
*A:* Tell him you're pregnant.

*Q:* How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?	
*A:* Take off your glasses.

*Q:* Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?	
*A:* Valets don't forget where they park your car.

*Q:* Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term memory storage?
*A:* Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

*Q:* As people age, do they sleep More soundly?	
*A:* Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

*Q:* Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?	
*A:* On their foreheads.

*Q:* What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter  antique stores?	
*A:* "Gosh, I remember these!"

----------


## Beo

Guy moves out into the wilderness, his nearest neighbor is five miles from his cabin.
After about six months the neighbor comes by and says: 

"Hey feller, I'm having me a get together, gone be some some fine food and hard drink, good conversation and a bit of dancing. It'll probably turn into a love fest though... usually does. Be a reeeeal good time to get to know ya."

"Wow!" The new guy says. "I'm in, when is it and who's coming?"

The man smiles a toothless grin, well its tonight friend and so far there's you and me!"

----------


## Beo

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.. 
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

----------


## Beo

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

----------


## Beo

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licenseto verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started....

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> I broke a mirror yesterday and that's seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get five.


 Yeah...but Ken lies! LOL :Smash:

----------


## Old GI

> Guy moves out into the wilderness, his nearest neighbor is five miles from his cabin.
> After about six months the neighbor comes by and says: 
> 
> "Hey feller, I'm having me a get together, gone be some some fine food and hard drink, good conversation and a bit of dancing. It'll probably turn into a love fest though... usually does. Be a reeeeal good time to get to know ya."
> 
> "Wow!" The new guy says. "I'm in, when is it and who's coming?"
> 
> The man smiles a toothless grin, well its tonight friend and so far there's you and me!"


Then what did you say?

----------


## crashdive123

Must have been the kilt. :Lol:

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## RangerXanatos

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that a wallet containg a rather large sum of money was found near the restrooms. My assistant, Miss Hunt, has it in her posession, and will cheerfully return it to the owner. She says its a plain, nondiscript brown wallet. So, if anyone has lost a wallet with a large sum of money in it...  go to Helen Hunt for it."

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## Pal334

"BAIL'EM OUT!!! ???? 
 H**l, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in   Nevada   for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a w***e house and selling whiskey?!" 
"What are we thinking"

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## nell67

If you go to the doctor when you are ill and he finds that you have swine flu, you will be given an oinkment. If he determines that you have bird flu, he will give you a tweetment. Have a good day

----------


## Rick

(Grooooooooooan)

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## 2dumb2kwit

Heeeeeeyyyyyy. What happened to the post about cats? That one was funny!!! :Innocent:

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## nell67

I like cats too... Let's exchange recipes!

Just for 2D...you're one sick puppy ..LMAO

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## 2dumb2kwit

> I like cats too... Let's exchange recipes!
> 
> Just for 2D...you're one sick puppy ..LMAO


(Snicker, Snicker)  Thanks!!! :Blushing:

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## 2dumb2kwit

I can't remember if this one has been posted.




> A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 
> 
> The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, 
> letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." 
> 
> The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted accordingly. Right" 
> 
> The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" 
> 
> ...

----------


## COWBOYSURVIVAL

Hey 2Dumb! I can't find it now but I saw you made some reference to pink about me. Well I wanted to tell you I stuck up for you up to now. I really did I defended you! Someone said "2Dumb eats S_h_t Sandwiches" I replied oh NO! I can assure you he doesn't eat bread!

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## Sarge47

> I can't remember if this one has been posted.


Now that was funny, I don't care who you are!   :clap:  :clap:  :clap:

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Hey 2Dumb! I can't find it now but I saw you made some reference to pink about me. Well I wanted to tell you I stuck for you up to now. I really did I defended you! Someone said "2Dumb eats S_h_t Sandwiches" I replied oh NO! I can assure you he doesn't eat bread!


 Well dang....thanks Cowboy.....you're alright! LOL :Innocent:

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## COWBOYSURVIVAL

> Well dang....thanks Cowboy.....you're alright! LOL


Anytime! Use it on Ken!

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## rebel

Could this be our Remy (Remi)? http://popwatch.ew.com/2009/10/26/clip-du-jour-manbat/

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## crashdive123

You can't make this stuff up.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereport...aces_sack.html

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Don't shoot the messenger.




> Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

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## 2dumb2kwit

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?

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## Bladen

knock knock

whos there?

man

man who?


man truck! beep beep! vroooom!


sorry

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## NightShade

> Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?


that is funny!

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## 2dumb2kwit

> knock knock
> 
> whos there?
> 
> man
> 
> man who?
> 
> 
> ...


ROFLMAO! :Smash:

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## crashdive123

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

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## Pal334

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which hadleft his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the  bathroom, he decided the latest episode was
another  and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets,and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile
at his feet.

As the drunk stood there unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security  guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who  had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,  "What the heck is going
on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of
a ghost."

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## Pal334

Here's something to think about. 


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' 


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 


'I said, 'Not much.... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 


'No, I don't,' I said. 


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 


'No,' I said. 


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh**?!!

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## BENESSE

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A:  A rumor.

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?


 *2dumb2kwit!* :Innocent: 


OK....I'm not all that sensitive.

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## BENESSE

> *2dumb2kwit!*
> 
> 
> OK....I'm not all that sensitive.


How about...

Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A.  ?

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## BENESSE

> 1. Counselor.
> 2. A Yankee Lawyer.
> 3. Ken.


CORRECT ANSWER: Gifted

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## AmericanPrussian

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

 :Innocent:  :Innocent:  :Innocent: 

(Take a look at the date in the upper right hand corner.)

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## crashdive123

Steps slowly away from the forum.

Ladies, it's spelled A m e r i c a n  P r u s s i a n.

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## pocomoonskyeyes

Slowly HE!! I'm Running!!!

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## AmericanPrussian

Hey now... This is the joke area. :-p If I seriously believed in this then it wouldn't be here! lol

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## Ken

> Hey now... This is the joke area. :-p If I seriously believed in this then it wouldn't be here! lol


To delete this message, check the appropriate option below and then click the 'Delete this Message' button.

Deletion Options

[  ] Do Not Delete Message 
[X] Delete Message 

Reason for Deletion: I don't want to be killed

----------


## Ken

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .


Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 


Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## rebel_chick

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old?    

Well.....you'll Love This One!  

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. 

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark Haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.  

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? 

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.  

This Balding, Gray Haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate, After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended   Morgan    Park   High    School. 

'yes, Yes I Did. I'm A Mustang! ' He Gleamed With Pride. 

'when Did You Graduate?' I Asked 

He Answered, In 1975. Why Do You Ask? 

'you Were In My Class!' I Exclaimed. 

He Looked At Me Closely.then That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat ***, Gray Haired, Decrepit, Son Of A (behive) Asked.... 






What Did You Teach?"

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## Pal334

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT 
 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. 

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows? 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? 

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

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## Rick

LMAO. Now that's funny and I can hear them doing it.

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## crashdive123

Nice one Pal.

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## Ken

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

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## crashdive123

Now the rest should practice, just to make sure they get it right.

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## trax

A cowboy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets him. Cowboys sometimes living less than stellar lifestyles, St Pete challenges him and says 

"If you can tell me one good thing you did in your life that should get you in here...I'll allow you in"

The cowboy kind of leans against the Pearly Gatepost and stares off over the horizon, spits out his chewin' tobacco and drawls

"Well there was this one time I was riding through the badlands and I came across this gang of bikers who were roughing up a young lady, intent on having their way with her. I directed them to stop, but they ignored me, so I climbed down off'n my hoss, walked over to the biggest, most tattooed nastiest lookin' one, cuffed him upside the head, ripped out his nose ring and kicked him in the crotch. When he went down I turned to the rest of them and said 'Now if you don't back off and leave her be, I'll give you all a whuppin like that"

St Peter was impressed. "My goodness," he says, "when did all this happen?"

The cowboy says "oooh, a couple of minutes ago"...

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## Pal334

Bubba Had Shingles.  Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!  Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?  Here's what happened to Bubba: 

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.  Bubba said: 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had  Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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## Pal334

*A Little Girl's Prayer*

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies  in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

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## Pal334

*Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, 
then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...* 


Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, 
then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens... 


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. 
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. 
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, 
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, 
fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. 
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. 
When I shower, I think about naked women. 
When I watch TV, I think about naked women. 
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy 
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

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## Pal334

VERY INSPIRING!  

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?   Well. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine.   

 And I'm pretty d**n good at it, too!!

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## 2dumb2kwit

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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## Sarge47

Disclaimer!  This is not open to political discussion but too funny to pass up!

It's How You Say It

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a  chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it  full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner,  says to the
chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The  chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was  old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy .

Two  hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big  grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .

The  chauffeur replies 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of  Scotch Whisky, the wife cooked me a great meal and the
daughter kissed me all  over.

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy .

'I just knocked on  the door and when it was answered, I said to them:
'I'm Nancy Pelosi's  chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'   :Smash:  :Sailor:

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## Pal334

*On this eve of our celebration of Vetreans day, thought this was appropriate.*

At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.

JFK'S 
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO.  De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"De Gaulle did not respond.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////  
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.  The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.  During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:  "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have three  cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a 
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.  We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.  At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
 Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passportin his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked  sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.  Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen 
to show a passport to."

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## canid

> HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." .....the end



how this one made my morning.

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## BENESSE

A Texas oilman hit a gusher and decided to celebrate by buying a souped-up European sports car. He took it for a test-drive and eased it up to seventy, then eighty, and then eighty-five, at which time he noticed a police car in his rearview mirror with its siren blaring. In response, the oilman edged forward another twenty miles per hour, but the patrolman followed closely behind. Finally, the oilman pulled over to the side of the road and looked up to see the furious uniformed patrolman bearing down on him. "Didn't you see me and hear the siren?"

"Yes, sir, but I have a good explanation."

The patrolman took off his glasses. "This had better be good."

"Well, officer, about three weeks ago my wife ran off with a good-looking state trooper... just like you. When I saw your car, I thought you were him... bringing her back."

----------


## mountain mama

wow, I step away from the forum for just a lil' while and look what happens...


hey Nel, ya wanna go hunting this weekend?  I hear AmericanPrussian is in season  :Wink:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

I saw this today, and thought it was funny, and sad.
Hmmm....wonder where he lives? LOL






> Location: The unemployment center that looks like a mitten.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

No comments, please. Just for humor.

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## nell67

> wow, I step away from the forum for just a lil' while and look what happens...
> 
> 
> hey Nel, ya wanna go hunting this weekend? I hear AmericanPrussian is in season


Heck yea,I'm game,no,wait,I mean AmericanPrussian is the game,see ya at 2:30 am sharp!

----------


## Sarge47

* The Pharmacist's Monday 
   Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the  door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He  insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times  before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove  downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could  say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

"Now, just a minute,  listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late  getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize  that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a  window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding  ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat  tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting  for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,  all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued,  "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make  change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and  knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

"When I  came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back  against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the  floor and broke.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,  and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to  use a rectal thermometer.

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness,  all I did was tell her."  

*

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## Pal334

*MY LIVING WILL* 
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such jerks ...

----------


## Pal334

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These. . 



In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next
Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and
other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck
11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Still Having a Bad Day? 

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both. 


Still think you are having a Bad Day? 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to
his Walkman. 

 Are Ya OK Now? - No? 

 Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. 

 What? STILL having a Bad Day? 

 Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb.  It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good! 

 There now, Feeling Better?

----------


## Rick

I thought you might get a kick out of this. You can give this little dog all kinds of commands such as sit, roll over, down, stand,    sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead, etc and he'll do it. Tell him to sneeze and see what happens....

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

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## 2dumb2kwit

> I thought you might get a kick out of this. You can give this little dog all kinds of commands such as sit, roll over, down, stand,    sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead, etc and he'll do it. Tell him to sneeze and see what happens....
> 
> http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html


 Aaaaahahahaha...tell it to "help Ken", or "teach Ken", and see what you get! LOL

----------


## Rick

Smart little rascal ain't he?

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> Smart little rascal ain't he?


 Obviously smarter than me....I'm still trying to do those things. :Blushing:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan.  Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. 

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"


"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas 

drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

----------


## Old GI

> * The Pharmacist's Monday 
>    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the  door by his sobbing wife.
> Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He  insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times  before he would even answer the phone."
> 
> Immediately, the husband drove  downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
> 
> Before he could  say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:
> 
> "Now, just a minute,  listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late  getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize  that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a  window to get my keys.
> ...



Then Sarge laughed and the fight was on.  Oh, was that you? :Innocent:

----------


## Rick

All of us like the "old ways". Let's see if you can match colonial occupations with their modern-day meanings: 

1. colporteur............a. female writer
2. amanuensis..........b. innkeeper
3. chiffonier.............c.one who repairs shoes
4. mantuamaker........d. a minor or worthless author
5. boniface..............e. election judge
6. bluestocking.........f. wig maker
7. scribler.................g. peddler of  books
8. scrivener..............h. secretary
9. scrutiner...............i. notary public
10. scobscat.............j. dressmaker or weaver

I'll give you a day or two to think it over and then post the answers. 

In the meantime...here's a riddle for you. 

A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost? 

Have fun!!!

----------


## BENESSE

> In the meantime...here's a riddle for you. 
> 
> A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost? 
> 
> Have fun!!!



Tomato: 15 cents
Potato: 25 cents
Onion: 35 cents

----------


## RangerXanatos

> All of us like the "old ways". Let's see if you can match colonial occupations with their modern-day meanings: 
> 
> 1. colporteur............a. female writer
> 2. amanuensis..........b. innkeeper
> 3. chiffonier.............c.one who repairs shoes
> 4. mantuamaker........d. a minor or worthless author
> 5. boniface..............e. election judge
> 6. bluestocking.........f. wig maker
> 7. scribler.................g. peddler of  books
> ...


Potato = 25 cents
Tomato = 15 cents
Onion = 35 cents.

----------


## Rick

Atta girl, Benesse!! 

You got it, too, Ranger but Benesse gave you a "hint".

----------


## klkak

1.  Colporteur……………………………peddler of religious books
2.  Amanuensis…………………………secretary
3.  Chiffonier…………………………….wig maker
4.  Mantua maker………………………dress maker
5.  Boniface……………………………...innkeeper
6.  Bluestocking…………………………female writer
7.  Scribbler……………………………...worthless author
8.  Scrivener……………………………..notary
9.  Scrutineer…………………………….election judge
10. Scobscat………………………………cobbler

----------


## Rick

Oooh. That Klkak is a good one he is. Right you are, lad!! You got 'em all correct. Nice job.

----------


## Ken

> In the meantime...here's a riddle for you. 
> 
> A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost? 
> 
> Have fun!!!


Trying to trick us, huh?   :Sneaky2:   A tomato is a fruit, NOT a vegetable.  A tomato is the ovary and seeds of a flowering plant, ergo, it is a fruit. 

However, such facts have no validity in real life, do they?  

Even our illustrious United States Supreme Court found it convenient to ignore science when it decided that a tomato was a vegetable - FOR TAX PURPOSES ONLY, of course.   :Innocent:  _Nix v. Hedden,_ 149 U.S. 304 (1893).

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> Trying to trick us, huh?    A tomato is a fruit, NOT a vegetable.  A tomato is the ovary and seeds of a flowering plant, ergo, it is a fruit. 
> 
> However, such facts have no validity in real life, do they?  
> 
> Even our illustrious United States Supreme Court found it convenient to ignore science when it decided that a tomato was a vegetable - FOR TAX PURPOSES ONLY, of course.   _Nix v. Hedden,_ 149 U.S. 304 (1893).


 Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. :Innocent:

----------


## Sarge47

*
A BLOND VISITS THE FARM 
A young blond lady  from the city was driving her convertible through the country and passed a local  farm. Seeing the farmer out feeding the animals she decided to stop and ask  about them. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady?  The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well,  ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em  trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin'  a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.  Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason  this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'because it's a  horse."  

*

----------


## Sarge47

A teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike 
English, nouns  are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is  feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" ,
however, is masculine -- "le crayon."  

French student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" 
Instead of giving  the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and  asked them to decide for 
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine  
or a feminine noun. 

Each group was asked to give four reasons for  their
recommendation. 
The men's group decided that "computer" should  definitely 
be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 

1. no  one but their creator understands their internal logic; 
2. the native  language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to  everyone else; 
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory  
for possible later retrieval; and 
4. as soon as you make a commitment to  one, you find 
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.  

(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!) 

The women's group,  however, concluded that computers 
should be Masculine (le computer"),  because: 

1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;  
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 
3. they  are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the 
time they ARE the  problem; and 
4.as soon as you  commit to one, you realize that if you had 
waited a little longer, you could  have gotten a better model. 

The women won   :Innocent:  :Sneaky2:  :Online2long:

----------


## Sarge47

*Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old,  as long as she buys him a
few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp  as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to  be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill  out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting  into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to  swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your  coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex  life! Provided
we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that  even as we get older, guys still look at our
boobs. The bad news is they have  to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart  says, "For fast
relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video  for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of  Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your  inner
child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's  too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you  grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY  PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,  the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell  the
difference.  
*

----------


## Pal334

A Harley biker  is riding  by the zoo in Washington , DC , when  he sees a 
little girl  leaning into the lion's  cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the  cuff
of her jacket and tries to pull her  inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.




The biker jumps  off his Harley,  runs to the cage and hits the lion  
square on the nose with a  powerful  punch.

Whimpering from the  pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and 
the  biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank  him endlessly. A 
reporter has watched the whole  event.

The  reporter addressing the Harley  rider says, 'Sir, this was the most  
gallant and  brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole  life.'

The  Harley rider replies, 'Why, it  was nothing, really, the lion was 
behind  bars. I  just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt  right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make  sure this won't go  unnoticed. I'm a 
journalist,  you know, and tomorrow's paper will have  this  story on the 
front page... So, what do you do for a  living and what political affiliation 
do you  have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a  U.S.  Marine and a Republican.' 



The journalist  leaves.

The  following morning the biker  buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on the front  page:

U.S.  MARINE ASSAULTS  AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS  LUNCH

----------


## Pal334

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
 I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. 
 My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
 My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
 Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
 Transforming the yard to a winter delight. 


The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
 Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve. 
 My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
 Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
 In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
 So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream. 


The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
 But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear. 
 Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
 sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
 My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
 And I crept to the door just to see who was near. 


Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
 A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight. 
 A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
 Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
 Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
 Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child. 



"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
 "Come in this moment, it's freezing out here! 
 Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
 You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
 For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
 Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts 



 To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
 Then he sighed and he said, "Its really all right, 
 I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.
 "It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
 That separates you from the darkest of times. 



 No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
 I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me. 
 My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
 Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
 My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
 And now it is my turn and so, here I am. 


 I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
 But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile. 
 Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
 The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
 I can live through the cold and the being alone,
 Away from my family, my house and my home. 


I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
 I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat. 
 I can carry the weight of killing another,
 Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
 Who stand at the front against any and all,
 To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall." 



"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
 Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
 "But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
 "Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
 It seems all too little for all that you've done, 
 For being away from your wife and your son." 



 Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
 "Just tell us you love us, and never forget. 
 To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
 To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
 For when we come home, either standing or dead,
 To know you remember we fought and we bled.
 Is payment enough, and with that we will trust, 
 That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

----------


## Rick

A tree toad loved a she-toed
who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree toad,
but a three-toed toad was she.

The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
the three-toed she-toed's heart,

For the two-toed tree toad loved the 
ground the three-toed tree toad trod.

The two-toed tree toad tried in 
vain to sate her every whim.

From her tree toad bower
with her three-toed power,
the she-toed vetoed him.

----------


## trax

A little boy was walking to school one day when a passing car drove through a puddle and splashed mud and water all over him.

The little boy thought to himself "I should run home and change into clean, dry clothes, so that the kids won't all laugh at me at school. But, if I do, I'll be late."

Then he thought, "But if I go to school all muddy and wet like this, the other kids will laugh, and I'll probably get sent home anyway."

The little boy was very perplexed and couldn't decide what to do. So, while he was standing there thinking about it, I drove by again and splashed him a second time.

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## Sarge47

> A tree toad loved a she-toed
> who lived up in a tree.
> 
> He was a two-toed tree toad,
> but a three-toed toad was she.
> 
> The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
> the three-toed she-toed's heart,
> 
> ...


Guess he should have "toed the line" huh?   :Innocent:  :Sneaky2:  :Cool2:

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## crashdive123

Yep.  She nailed him.

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## Rick

He's just lucky he didn't croak.

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## crashdive123

Mujibar was trying to get a gob in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.  Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar sad, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow, this is Mugibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center.  No doubt you have spoken to him.  I know I have.

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## Rick

Oh, man. That is so close to the truth it's scary. I am soooooo tired of calling a support number and have "Pete" answer the phone. Yesterday was a tad refreshing. I spoke with Anjur Baby. At least it was original.

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## Pal334

A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent! 

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?" 

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir." 

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?" 

"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a H*mo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a B***h!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican

----------


## Pal334

The Chief's Parrot

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot. 

First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille" 

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep." 

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen." 

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. 

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!

----------


## mountain mama

During a recent password audit at a local company, it was found that a 
blonde was using the following password: 

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy 

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at 
least 8 characters long.

----------


## Pal334

Here's your answer.


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. 

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. 

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his a$$  again!'

----------


## Rick

Let me get this  straight.

We're  going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose  
head says he doesn't understand it, passed by  a Congress that hasn't 
read it but exempts themselves from it, signed  by a president that also 
hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding  administered by a treasury 
chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a  surgeon general who is 
obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.

What  possibly could go wrong?

----------


## Camp10

A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed.  The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."  Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal democrats and a rabbit."  "Why the rabbit?"   "That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

----------


## Pal334

The Parrot 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back.  John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.   Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.   I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

----------


## Old GI

> Let me get this  straight.
> 
> We're  going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose  
> head says he doesn't understand it, passed by  a Congress that hasn't 
> read it but exempts themselves from it, signed  by a president that also 
> hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding  administered by a treasury 
> chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a  surgeon general who is 
> obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.
> 
> What  possibly could go wrong?


I thought this thread was for jokes? :Innocent:

----------


## Stargazer

My wife asked me to start decorating the house for christmas.I dont think she is too happy with me.

----------


## Rick

Man...that is funny!

----------


## Pal334

*No offense to our Southern brothers and sisters:*

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.  

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> *No offense to our Southern brothers and sisters:*
> 
> 98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE
> GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.  
> 
> THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'


 No self respecting southerner, needs anyone to hold their beer, while they drive.  :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

> No self respecting southerner, needs anyone to hold their beer, while they drive.


My humble apologies,

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> My humble apologies,


 No need.........not all southerners are self respecting. LOL :Blushing:

----------


## mountain mama

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. 

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' 

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' 

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

----------


## BENESSE

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

HaHaHa....two good ones! How about this one?




> Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' 
> The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' 
> The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

----------


## Pal334

This should pretty much offend just about everyone

Security Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Poms have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.   Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the Poms issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."   The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.  Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".  Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".  There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

----------


## BENESSE

> This should pretty much offend just about everyone
> Security Alerts.



Priceless...and true!

----------


## Capt

What do Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?






They both have been clubbed by a Norweigian.

----------


## Pal334

> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
> Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in
> the private function room at the Grill House.
>
>
> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band 
> playing traditional carols...
> feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
> our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
>
> A Christmas
> tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
> employees can be done at that time; however, no
> gift should be over $10.00 to
> make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
> pockets.
> This gathering is only for employees!
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
>
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your
> family,
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> ROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: October 2, 2008
> RE: Gala Holiday Party
>
>
> In no way was
> yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
> important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
> though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now
> on, were calling it our "Holiday
> Party." The same policy applies to any other
> employees who are not Christians and to those still
> celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
> Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
>
> We will have other types of
> music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to
> you and your family,
> Patty
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty
> Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 3, 2008
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't
> sign your name..
> I'm
> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
> table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't
> be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
> this? Somebody?
>
>
>
> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange,
> no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that
> $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00
> is a little chintzy.
>
> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS
> EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> Patty
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> FROM: Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
> To: All Employees
> DATE: October 4, 2008
> RE: Generic Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we
> are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
> drinking during daylight hours.
>
> There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
> accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
> the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
> end of the party or else package everything for you to take
> it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
> of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet,
> and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> restrooms.
>
>
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with 
> Gay men, each group will
> have their own table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower
> arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person
> asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
> no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
> about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>
> We
> will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food
> will be available for those on a diet.
>
> I am sorry to report that we cannot
> control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill
> House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
> bite first.
>
> There
> will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
> diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no
> sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All F*%^ing Employees
>
> DATE: October 5, 2008
>
> RE: The F*%^ing Holiday
> Party
>
> I've
> had it with you vegetarian pr**ks!!! We're going
> to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
> not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
> the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
> and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic
> tomatoes.
> But you know, tomatoes
> have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
> them. I've heard them scream. I'm
> hearing them scream right NOW!
>
> The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos
> can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
>
>
> Drive drunk and
> die,
>
> The B*tch from
> H*ll!!!
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>
> DATE: October 6, 2008
>
>
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure
> I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll
> continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
>
> In the meantime,
> management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>
> Happy Whatever!
> Joan
>

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

I wonder if these are true. :Innocent: 





> In English pubs, ale 
> is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when 
> customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind 
> your pints and quarts, and settle down.' 
> 
> It's where we get 
> the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'






> Many years ago in 
> England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or 
> handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , 
> they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' 
> is the phrase inspired by this practice.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Did you know, that it is impossible to lick your own elbow? :Blushing:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> Did you know, that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?


/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/

/
/
/
/
/
/
  Did you know that 75% of people who read that, try to lick their elbow??? :Innocent:  LOL

----------


## BENESSE

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

( a widow)

----------


## edr730

Diary from Michigan  ...
August 12--- Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so Beautiful here. The forests are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering the trees! 
October 14--- Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful forest and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here! 
November 11--- Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. Love it here! 
December 2--- We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years. And I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.  
December 12--- More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight and I won!  
December 14 --- Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 --- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 --- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel. Electricity was off for 14 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 --- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that stuff again (boots, jump suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves etc.), then I got the urge to pee! The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 25--- Merry stinking Christmas, more stinking snow.  Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the road to melt the frigging ice. 
December 27--- More white stuff fell last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white stuff! The weather man said to expect another 10 inches tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Darned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
December 28--- The frigging weather man was wrong. We got 34 inches of the white stuff this time. At the rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that jerk came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the stuff he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last shovel over his frigging head. 
January 4--- Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get food and on the way back a darned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those  beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last November! 
May 3--- Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all the salt they put all over the road?  Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
May 24---  Can you believe we're still getting more snow?!! It's springtime !!  Where's that snow shovel?
April 4---Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in Michigan!

----------


## Rick

Telephone Rings.....

"Hello. Ken, Ken, Ken and Ken, Attorneys at Law."
"Yes. I'd like to speak with Ken, please."
"I'm sorry, he's in court today."
"Well, could I speak with Ken then?"
"He's with a client at the moment."
"Okay. How about Ken?"
"He's out of the office the rest of the day."
"Fine! Then can I speak to Ken?"
"Speaking."

----------


## Ken

There were 2 Ken's in my office........   :Innocent:

----------


## mcgyver

I heard Tiger Woods is changing his name.

to....


Cheetah Woods

 :Whistling:

----------


## Rick

Tiger Woods has a new movie coming out. It's called, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Nike is going to keep him as their spokesman but they will be changing their tag line to, Just Do Me.

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.  "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5." 

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. 

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards. 

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one. 

If you Drink, don’t Drive. If you Drive, use a 3 Iron

Why did Tiger survive the accident?  Elin didn’t take enough club.

Q: Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
A: Tiger has a better Driver.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went    clubbing

----------


## Pal334

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a***ole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

----------


## Pal334

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. 

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. 

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

'Why?' asked the pilot. 

'Because I'm a photographer for Cable News Network,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

----------


## Pal334

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. 

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. 

Then slowly, the house began to smell.. 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.  

Air fresheners were hung everywhere Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. 

Nothing worked!!! 

People stopped coming over to visit. 
Repairmen refused to work in the house. 
The maid quit. 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. 

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. 

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. 


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. 

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house. 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. 

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods. 



I love a happy ending, don't you?

----------


## Rick

That's pretty funny. Years ago we had a janitor that was a true PITA. We also had an electric heater in the reporting center, which happened to be in the basement of a toll center. I slipped an empty can of sardines into the heater just below the heater element. Took the janitor a while to find it. No one would go in the doghouse until the "cooker" was removed and the CO guys were really upset about the stench. Limburger cheese on an exhaust manifold is real similar....just sayin'

----------


## Pal334

Traffic Camera 
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

After  getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into  the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver  notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.  

' Excuse me, Your Holiness, 'says the  driver,' 
 Would  you please take your seat so we can leave? '  

' Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the  Pope, ' they never let me drive at the  Vatican  when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to  drive today. ' 

' I'm sorry, Your Holiness,  but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!  What if something should happen? ' protests the  driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that  morning.. 

' Who's going to tell? ' says  the Pope with a smile. 

Reluctantly, the  driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in  behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his  decision when, after exiting the airport, the  Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205  kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) 

'  Please slow down, Your Holiness! ' pleads the  worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to  the metal until they hear sirens. 

' Oh,  dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my  job! ' moans the driver. 

The Pope pulls  over and rolls down the window as the cop  approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,  goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the  radio. 

' I need to talk to the Chief, ' he  says to the dispatcher. 

The Chief gets on  the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped  a limo going 155 kph. 

' So bust him, '  says the Chief. 

' I don't think we want to  do that, he's really important, ' said the cop.  

The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more  reason! ' 

' No, I mean really important, '  said the cop with a bit of persistence.  

The Chief then asked,' Who do you have  there, the mayor? ' 
Cop: ' Bigger. '  

Chief: ' A senator? ' 
Cop: ' Bigger. '    

Chief: ' The Prime Minister? '  
Cop: ' Bigger. ' 

' Well, ' said the  Chief, ' who is it? ' 

Cop: ' I think it's  God! ' 

The Chief is even more puzzled and  curious, ' What makes you think it's God? '  

Cop: ' His chauffeur is the Pope! '

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Have you ever wondered what the difference between 
> Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
> 
> A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made 
> a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he 
> would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some 
> bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday 
> however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. 
> Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their 
> granddaughter out.
> 
> When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs 
> to see her Grandfather.
> 
> 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
> 
> 
> 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We 
> didn't see a single *** hole, dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's *** anywhere 
> we went today!'
> 
> Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

----------


## mountain mama

> She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. 
> 
> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 
> 
> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. 
> 
> When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. 
> 
> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. 
> ...


At my first wedding, my brother put an open can of sardines under the driver's seat of my car.  I immediately pulled over and discarded the source of the awful smell.  I should have noticed then that the can was half empty (not to be a pessimist).  The other half was on my engine block.  The smell lasted 6 weeks!

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell... 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When finished the devil informs him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replies, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

----------


## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Rick

This one's for Ken!!

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Rick

Economic times are pretty tough. This is how I fared this holiday season. 

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a Hallmark Card from the 50% off isle. 

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me one turtle dove and a promissory note for a turtle dove or similar aviary creature to be paid in full within three business days of receiving her tax refund check. 

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Jews harps, a piece of paper and a comb. 

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four non-calling birds. Two were road kill, one was found dead in the park and one committed suicide by flying into a window. 

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me five golden rings she had planned to mail in to goldkit.com.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six geese stolen from the park while looking for the dead bird. She should have given me a shovel, too. 

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven pink flamingos from Dollar General. 

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me eight warnings about messing around with maids. Milking or otherwise. 

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me nine similar warnings about dancers. 

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me an evening to myself so she could go see ten of the Chippendale dancers. I was still thinking about the warnings I guess. 

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me eleven Pipers Piping. Eleven guys in skirts. Great! She would splurge and get this one right. 

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve hours of Pay per View. Yes!!!

----------


## oly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnBIUUBd1s

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnBIUUBd1s


 Good one.
I love the old school comedy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

----------


## Pal334

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
*Q:* Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested 
in them?	
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

*Q:* What can a man do while his wife is going through 
menopause?	
*A:* Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement . When you're done you'll have a place to live.

*Q:* Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?	
*A:* Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to  Egypt ..."

*Q:* How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?	
*A:* Tell him you're pregnant.

*Q:* How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?	
*A:* Take off your glasses.

*Q:* Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?	
*A:* Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

*Q:* Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?*
A:* Valets don't forget where they park your car.

*Q:* Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
*A:* Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.

*Q:* As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
*A:* Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

*Q:* Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?*
A:* On their foreheads.

*Q:* What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
*A:* "Gosh, I remember these!"

----------


## Pal334

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. 

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.' 

The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 

'Moses,' replied the bird. 

'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

----------


## Pal334

A short fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl 
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went 
fishing and hunting, drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and 
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> A short fairy tale
> 
> Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl 
> said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went 
> fishing and hunting, drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and 
> left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
> 
> The end


 (Sniff, Sniff) I just love a happy ending! :Innocent:

----------


## BENESSE

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a$$hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a$$hole being the Boss. Promptly, the a$$hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a$$hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the $hit!
Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a$$hole will do.

----------


## nell67

> (Sniff, Sniff) I just love a happy ending!


That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...

----------


## Sarge47

> That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...


...& single, if not before, then certainly after.  :Sneaky2:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...


 I wasn't trying to smell the fart...I was emotional/crying because of the happy ending!

 :Innocent: 

Sheeezzzz! :Smash:  LOL

----------


## nell67

> I wasn't trying to smell the fart...I was emotional/crying because of the happy ending!
> 
> 
> 
> Sheeezzzz! LOL


Yea,yea,guys always give other guys a courtesy sniff when they fart,WHY?

----------


## BENESSE

> Yea,yea,guys always give other guys a courtesy sniff when they fart,WHY?


Guys wouldn't know a fart if it came up and slapped them in the face.
Which it usually does.

----------


## Sourdough

OK, a funny true story about gas. Told to me by, Moose Moore (aka Moose'Meat Moore) back in the early 70's when Anchorage, AK. was going to high rise buildings. The story: A sweet little old'lady coming home from the grocery store, gets in the elevator alone, and passes gas. The elevator starts to stop, so she grabs a can of air freshener to cover the smell. Into the elevator steps a Old Alaskan Sourdough (not me, I was a newbie in 1970) he sniffs and sniffs. The sourdough Say's, "What's that smell"...? The Old'lady innocently asks, "What smell".......? Sourdough, "Well......it smells like a bear SH!T under a pine tree"........ :Smile:

----------


## Pal334

These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher :Big Grin: o you havean address?
Caller:No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher:9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher:Is this her first child?
Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............
Dispatcher:9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: !Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher:What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

----------


## Pal334

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless D****rat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for O***a hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Re****can loggers wearing Go S**ah shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious D****rat  from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their truck. The other tenderly placed the injured D****rat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned the men over to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Re****can loggers and D****rat environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

*Priceless!!!* :Smash:

----------


## Old GI

> These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
> 
> 
> Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
> Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
> Dispatchero you havean address?
> Caller:No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
> 
> Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
> ...




Oh yeah.  I assure you, there millions of those spread throughout every 911 Call Center or PSAP in the country.  Right before I left my EM job, we had a screaming lady call to report the wrong topping on the pizza that was just delivered.  And a lot more.  If it hasn't been done, I think a book of those would be a best seller or, better yet, a movie.

----------


## Rick

Yeah, I read one about a lady that called in from a Wendy's drive through because they were out of fries.

----------


## trax

There's a character in a Carl Hiassen novel "Sick Puppy" who's a hit man and buys tapes of 9-1-1 calls for his own amusement. Anyone wants a good laugh, read this book and the last 9-1-1 call is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

----------


## Rick

THINGS WE SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T 

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. (that makes
my day!)

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of Mc Donald 's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.  (That just answered a lot of questions I had)

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces   will kill a small-sized dog..

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. (The Little Perv)

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las   Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,     purple, or silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (which confirms Coots theory)

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.  You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.  (good to know, although I’m not sure why)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand    (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was
the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with..  It's the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. "Guinness Book of Records" holds the record for being the book     most often stolen from public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. (I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.)

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. " Boy, I feel
a lot safer now that she's behind bars.O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are
still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman
in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Teacher Arrested at Airport 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President; 
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----

----------


## cowgirlup

Oh that is great!!!!  LOL!!!

----------


## crashdive123

It's a slow day in a  little California Delta town. The sun  is beating down, and the streets  are deserted.

 Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

 On this particular day a rich tourist from back East is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
 As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads  off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and  fuel.

 The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local lady of the evening, who has  also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

 The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

 No one produced anything. No one earned anything.  However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

----------


## Pal334

The scary part is it seemed to make sense. I better get another cup of coffee

----------


## Pal334

The Aisle Seat

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of  London . 
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, 
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the fellow in the window seat said, 
“I need to get up and get a coke.”
“Don't get up,” said the Marine. “I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the fellows picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other fellow said, 
“That looks good, I'd really like one, too.”

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other fellow picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. 
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes 
and knew immediately what had happened. 
He leaned over and asked his neighbors, 
“Why does it have to be this way?”

“How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? 
This hatred? This animosity?  
This spitting in shoes and pi**ing in cokes?”

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

----------


## Sarge47

Hoo-Ahh!   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Pal334

1.   I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.  I said, "Morning."  He said, "No, just taking a sh**."

2.   When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike.  Then I realized that God doesn't work that way..  So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.


3.   I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.  I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul?  Won't it start?"

----------


## Themeek

Late on cold winter night a state trooper finds a car slammed into a snow bank with it's engine still running. The trooper approaches the vehicle and see's and older gentleman asleep at the wheel with numerous empty or nearly emty alcohol containers. The Officer knock on the drivers window thus waking the driver.
The driver take one look out his window, sees the trooper, realizes he's in trouble, and hits the gas! Not realizing he is stuck in a snow bank.
The tropper, not missing a beat, begins running in place along side the car. As the spedometer climbs the driver looks at the trooper, checks his speed, looks at the trooper. He continues this until the speedometer registers 60mph, at which time the trooper, still running in place, again knocks on the window. This time he mouths to the driver "Pull over!" 
The driver nods, turns his wheel, brakes, and turns off the car. 

The drivers reactions after sobering up are still unkown.

----------


## Themeek

While out on safari a make wakes in the morning only to find himself surrounded by cannibals. Knowing he will die he simply states "God, I'm screwed"
To his amazement God replies "No. You are not screwed. Do you see that large rock there? Pick it up." 
The man locates the rock nearby and does as God said. After he has the rock God says "Now the man holding the big spear is their chief. Use that rock and kill him" 
Again the man does as God directs him. When he has killed the chief God speaks to the man once more he said...

"There. Now you're screwed!"

----------


## Pal334

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price.
The sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
 Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.  I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good God! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

The funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin; donations in lieu of flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH).

----------


## Themeek

Couldn't prove it by me. I think I know some of the people who wrote these answers...
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?  (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

The Female Genie 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women
in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.

----------


## Rick

Is that true?

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. 


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' 



She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' 



The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' 



She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' 



The defense attorney nearly died. 



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

----------


## Sarge47

*Sitting together on a train.* 
 Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. 

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

_The old lady thinks:_
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

_The blonde girl thinks:_
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

_Obama thinks:_
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

_George Bush thinks:_
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

 :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:

----------


## Ted

LOL!!!!  Thanks Sarge!

p.s. Love your sig quote!

----------


## hoosierarcher

1) Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.

2) A clown walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this a joke?"

3) I went fishing with Salvidor Dali. He used a dotted line and caught every other fish.

----------


## Rick

A very rich man lost his dog. He was heart broken. So he had signs drawn up and posted them all over town. The signs read: 

Lost dog. 
Easily recognizable. Worlds shaggiest dog.
$10,000 reward. 

A rather poor young man read one of the signs and was determined to collect the reward money. He searched high and low, ever street and alleyway. He searched the local pound. He found a lot of shaggy dogs but none that would even be close to the world's shaggiest. 

So he went to the next town, then the next, and the next. Finally, in the fourth town he found what had to be the shaggiest dog in the world. The dog could not see because of all the hair. When he barked he could not hear it because of all the hair. When he tried to walk he would fall down because of all the hair. Most folks couldn't tell if he was coming or going because of all the hair. 

"This dog just has to be the one," thought the young man. He'd never seen a dog that shaggy in all his life. He scooped the dog up because it could not walk and ran all the way back to the rich man's town.

Exhausted and out of breath we finally trudged up the few steps to the man's front door. He rang the door bell and waited. Finally the man opened the door and looked the young man and the dog over. 

"Not that shaggy." And he closed the door.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

" DOCTORS & UNEMPLOYED " !!!

An Israeli doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says,
"That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says.
"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one
person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

An ILLINOIS doctor, says.
"You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with
no brains out of ILLINOIS ,
put him in the White House
and within SIX MONTHS,
half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

----------


## Sarge47

*Next of kin* 
* Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. 

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance. 

The conversation  went like this: 

"Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi.  How might I help you?" 

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" 

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. 

Father O'Malley then replied:


"Aye, that's  certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."           
*

----------


## trax

Nicely done Sarge.

----------


## nell67

When Reagan was President, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is President, we have no Hope and no Cash...

----------


## Durtyoleman

*The teacher gave her fifth grade class  an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a  moral at the end of  it.   The next day,  the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell  their  stories.  There were all the regular types  of stuff: spilled milk and  pennies  saved. 

 But then the teacher realized, much to her  dismay, that only Ernie was  left.

'Ernie, do you have a story  to share?'

 'Yes ma'am.  My daddy told a story  about my Aunt Sharon.
She was a pilot in  Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over  enemy  territory,  and all she had was a flask  of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the  bottle wouldn't break, and  then her parachute landed her right in the middle of  20  Iraqi  troops.   She shot 15  of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,  killed  four more  with the knife, till the blade  broke, and then she killed the  last Iraqi with  her bare
hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the  horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was  the moral to this horrible story?

 'Stay away from Aunt Sharon when she's  been drinking.'*

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

You Might Be a Yankee if... 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.

You have no problem pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don't even know what a Moon Pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You see nothing wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

----------


## Sarge47

Smart Lawyers!


*These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
                Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.   Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.*

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## Ted

LMAO...stop...stop ....It hurts...ROFLMAO!!!!!...... Wheeooo!...I'll be o.k.!

----------


## trax

But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago

*HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER*
Police suspect foul play

I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!

----------


## Sarge47

> But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago
> 
> *HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER*
> Police suspect foul play
> 
> I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!


Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also!   :Innocent:  Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball."  :Sneaky2:

----------


## trax

> Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also!   Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball."


I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there. :Dead:

----------


## Ken

> I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there.


Back in the early 70's, I spent some time in Naugatuck, Connecticut.  The major local employers were Uniroyal, which manufactured Keds sneakers and Naugahyde, and Peter-Paul (think Almond Joy and Mounds).

Well, the Naugatuck River, which ran right through the center of town, had to be the most polluted body of water in the world.  It was heavily polluted with sulfuric acid and a host of other chemicals.  I remember a couple of times when I watched flames burning on the surface of the water.   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Rick

> I watched flames burning on the surface of the water.


We'd all like to have a nickel for every time we've seen that.

----------


## Ken

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----------


## Themeek

1.    I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the  DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

2.    Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!

3.    Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

4.    Hurry it up?  Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation.  Do you have food and water in the car?  This shouldn't take more than six hours.

5.    Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

6.    What do you mean I won't believe you?  Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

7.    No, you've got that WRONG.  I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

8.    Of course you didn't DO it.  You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

9.    She STARTED it?  That's the best you can do?  My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

10.   HAVE A NICE DAY.

----------


## BENESSE

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. 
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you've got on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Due to the current financial situation caused by theslowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducingunemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program(Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of**** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you donot receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the**** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current marketconditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

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## Sarge47

For those  that don't know him, *Major General Peter  Cosgrove* is an  Australian Army General.





























Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum. 







*General  Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio  recently.*   





*Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.*  





*Regardless  of how you feel about gun laws you have  to love this! This is one of the best comeback  lines of all  time.*  




-------------------------------




*In  a portion of an ABC radio interview between a  female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was  about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his  military Headquarters...*   







*
**FEMALE  INTERVIEWER:
*So,  General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach  these young boys when they visit your base?
*
GENERAL  COSGROVE:*! 
We're  going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and  shooting.


*FEMALE  INTERVIEWER: 
*Shooting!  That's a bit irresponsible, isn't  it?
*
GENERAL  COSGROVE:
*I don't see  why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle  range.
*
**FEMALE   INTERVIEWER:
*Don't  you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity  to be teaching children?
*
GENERAL  COSGROVE:
*I don't see  how. We will be teaching them proper rifle  discipline before they even touch a  firearm. 

*FEMALE  INTERVIEWER:
*But  you're equipping them to become  violent  killers.
*
GENERAL  COSGROVE:
*Well,  Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but  you're not one, are you?

*The  radiocast**went  silent for 46 seconds and  when  it returned, this interview was  over.

Ya gotta love those Aussies!  it's where we got the term, "Numpty," here on WSF!  
*

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## 2dumb2kwit

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see
the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down
and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission
here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick
it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them..
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head
first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in
the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old
farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers
didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the
bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst
into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to
a transmission!"

----------


## Sarge47

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift
and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..  :Smile: 

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach water is the toilet?

ARGGGGHHH!!!   :Drool:

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## Pal334

*Words of Wisdom from Little Larry*

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'




 Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

This one kinda reminded me of some of the things I pulled, back when I drove trucks, for a living. LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlvqT...eature=related

----------


## hunter63

Love story:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'  The girl said, 'NO!'  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and  drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

----------


## Winnie

Love story II
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “will you marry me?! She said “no!” And the girl lived happily ever after, keeping her sleek figure, driving the car of her choice, having great holidays without some dumb A** constantly drinking beer, farting whenever he wanted and expecting her to clear-up after him.
The end.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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## Pal334

> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be opened when she brings it.


I am scrambling to see where I put my kevlar helmet, the fall out from that one will splash all the way up here in NJ !!!!!!!! :Smash:  :Smash:  :Smash:  :Smash:

----------


## nell67

How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners

----------


## Ted

> How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners


Not to brag mind you ,but I can undo 4 hooks faster than kickin' in a door!

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## Pal334

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,  "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. 
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight

One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." 
The  engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." 
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

----------


## Swamprat1958

A Blonde's Year in Review 

January 
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. 

February 
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... 
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! 

March 
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said ' 2-4 years!' 

April 
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!! 

May 
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of  water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June 
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.  

July 
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! 

August 
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. 

September  
The capital of  California is 'C'.....isn't it???  

October 
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. 

November  
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! 

December 

Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! 




THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. 

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.  

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' 

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' 



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...) 





' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

----------


## hunter63

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT 
> > > 
> > >     The following is an actual question given on a
> > > University of Washington chemistry mid term. 
> > > 
> > > The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the
> > > professor shared it with colleagues, via the
> > > Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
> > > pleasure of enjoying it as well : 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> > > or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 
> > > 
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> > > using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and
> > > heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 
> > > One student, however, wrote the following: 
> > > 
> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> > > changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
> > > which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
> > > which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
> > > assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
> > > leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. A s for how
> > > many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
> > > different religions that exist in the world today. 
> > > 
> > > Most of these religions state that if you are not a
> > > member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
> > > there is more than one of these religions and since
> > > people do not belong to more than one religion, we
> > > can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
> > > and death rates as they are, we can expect the
> > > number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
> > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
> > > Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
> > > the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
> > > same, the volume of Hell has to expand
> > > proportionately as souls are added. < /P> 
> > > 
> > > This gives two possibilities: 
> > > 
> > > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
> > > rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
> > > and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> > > breaks loose. 
> > > 
> > > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
> > > increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
> > > pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 
> > > 
> > > So which is it? 
> > > 
> > > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
> > > during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day
> > > in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
> > > account the fact that I slept with her last night,
> > > then number two must be true, and thus I am sure
> > > that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
> > > The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
> > > frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
> > > more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
> > > only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
> > > divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
> > > kept shouting 
> > >   'Oh my God.' 
> > > 
> > > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

----------


## hunter63

Beautiful story of bagpiper late for a funeral. 

This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral. 
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral
was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but
this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. 

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years

----------


## Rick

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

----------


## Sarge47

Thought this might tickle your funnybone!

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.         



HOO-AHH!   :Sneaky2:

----------


## hunter63

What ??????/

----------


## Ken

> Thought this might tickle your funnybone!
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum. 
> 
> HOO-AHH!


Sarge?  You asked me to read your post.  You said that I might find the picture funny.  But all I see is a little red "X" in a white box.......   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Sarge47

*"ALL PUNS INTENDED!"* 
 			 			 		  		 		1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."


 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


 4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"


 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
 "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
 "Is it common?"
 "Well, It's Not Unusual."


 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
 Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.."
 "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
 "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.


 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.


 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident..
 He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
 The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"


 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.


 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
 "But why?" they asked.
 "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


 18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
there was a small medium at large.


21. And finally, there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in 10 did.    :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:   :Cool2:

----------


## Sarge47

*Union Rules & Hookers----*
* 

A dedicated Teamsters
Union worker was attending a convention in 
Las Vegas and decided to checkOut the local brothels. 
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered


Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man 
stomped off down the street
In search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized 
shop. His search continued
Until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam 
responded, "Why
Yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut 
do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, 
and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then 
she gesturedTo a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years
Seniority and according to union rules, she's next."    
*

----------


## Pal334

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS... 
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

----------


## oly

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

----------


## hunter63

> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


LOL, cough, choke, read this to DW, and she stuck out her tongue out at me, good this I didn't read her that yesterday......................

----------


## Rick

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He  figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,  even though he knew that he was not speeding... 

Just to be sure, he went  around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more  slowly, but again the camera flashed. 

Now he began to think that  this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area  again, but the traffic camera again flashed. 

He tried a fourth time with  the same result. 

He did this a fifth time and  was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this  time at a snail's pace... 

Two weeks later, he got five  tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..  

You can't fix  stupid.

----------


## Sarge47

And then there was the story about the guy who got caught on camera speeding.  He received the citation in the mail along with the photo of him behind the wheel, along with the notification that he now owed a $100 fine.  So this "rocket scientist" sends back a photo of a hundred dollar bill.  They send back a photo of a pair of handcuffs.  He sent them a check for $100 by return mail!   :Sneaky2: 

Like Rick says:  "you can't fix stupid."   :Sneaky2:

----------


## oly

> LOL, cough, choke, read this to DW, and she stuck out her tongue out at me, good this I didn't read her that yesterday......................


LOL. I think I will read it to my wife now.

Edit. It looked something like this :Sneaky2:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Love Thy Husband
> 
> A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his 
> checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
> 
> He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, 
> combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband 
> will surely die."
> 
> "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure 
> he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to 
> work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
> 
> "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't 
> discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to 
> relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty 
> of backrubs."
> 
> "Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on 
> television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times 
> a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months 
> to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
> 
> On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor 
> say?"
> 
> "You're going to die," she replied.

----------


## Winnie

I picked up my new Toyota Prius today. Chat later, can't stop.........

----------


## crashdive123

Speaking of Toyota - if the brakes don't work and the accelerator sticks......how come they didn't win the Daytona 500?

----------


## Pal334

>                             As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
>
>                             1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
>                                 An impressive new book.  It's called .........
>                                'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
>
>
>                             2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
>                                 And be Mary.
>
>
>                             3. The difference between the Pope and
>                                 Your boss,  the Pope only expects you
>                                 To kiss his ring.
>
>                             4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
>                                 Flash  and it is gone.
>
>
>                             5. The only time the world beats a path to
>                                 Your door is if you're in  the bathroom.
>
>                               6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
>                                 The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
>                                 That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
>
>
>                             7. It used to be only death and taxes
>                                 Now, of course, there's
>                                 shipping and handling, too.
>
>
>
>                             8... A husband is someone who, after taking
>                                  the trash out, gives the impression that
>                                  he just cleaned the whole house.
>
>
>                             9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
>                                 Vending machines and a  large trash can.
>
>                             10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
>                                    Mechanic might try to rip me off.
>                                   I was relieved when he told me all
>                                   I needed was turn signal fluid.'
>
>
>                             11. Definition of a teenager?
>                                  God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
>
>                             12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
>                                  The splinters never point the wrong way.

----------


## crashdive123

Think you're having a bad day?

----------


## Sarge47

> Think you're having a bad day?


Here's another one....(Note:  This is NOT a DISCUSSION of politics, but just a reporting of facts! :Innocent: )

http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com...s-gras-parade/

heh-heh.  :Sneaky2:

----------


## hunter63

Ole's Mule

>
>>
>> Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
>> company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?'
>> asked the lawyer.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded
>> my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer
>> the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
>> fine'?
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
>> driving down da road... .
>>
>>
>>
>> The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to
>> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
>> the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
>> weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
>> is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
>>
>>
>>
>> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and
>> said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
>> favorite mule, Bessie'.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had
>> yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving
>> her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop
>> sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one
>> ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and
>> didn't vant to move.  However, I could hear
>>
>> Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by
>> her groans'.  'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he
>> came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
>> vent over to her'...
>>
>>
>>
>> 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his
>> gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
>>
>>
>>
>> Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked
>> at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
>>

----------


## Justin Case

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!" 

( I hope I did not break any rules ?)

----------


## Sarge47

Lemon  Pickers Wanted !!  

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! 


"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama. 		

 :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:   :Cool2:

----------


## Justin Case

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

----------


## Pal334

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the  pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a  table, alone.

  An hour later, the man finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.  The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.   Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

  Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of  the town.  "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering  why you always order three beers?"

  "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. 
 "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other  to Australia ..  We promised each other that we would always order an  extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family  bond." 
 The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners  would come to watch him drink. 
  Then,  one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. 
 The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.  This continues for the  rest of the evening.  He orders only two beers.  The word flies around  town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. 
 The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me  first of all,  want to offer condolences to you for the death of your  brother.  You know-the two beers and all." 
  The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to  hear that my two brothers are alive and well.   It's just that I, meself, have decided  to give up drinking for Lent."

----------


## Justin Case

Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by

----------


## Justin Case

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

I can't remember if this has been posted, or not.
Oh, well.....here it is, anyway.




> An old farmer from back in the woods orders himself a mail order bride. After going to town to pick her up and stand in front of the judge for the ceremony, he tells her that his horse has come up lame on the way to town so he needs to go to the livery to buy a new one.
> 
> After hitching the new horse to the wagon they are on thier way to the farm when the horse just stops. No amount of coaxing will get the horse going, so the ole farmer takes out a bullwhip and says "Thats one horse" as the whip cracks on the horses haunches. 
> 
> A few miles down the road the horse stops again. Again the horse can't be made to move until the whip comes out. "Thats two horse" yells the farmer as the whip cracks.
> 
> Another mile down the road and the horse stops again. Nothing will make the horse take another step. The farmer climbs down off the wagon and proceeds to unhitch the horse. He then retrieves his rifle from the wagon and takes aim. "That's three horse" he says right before pulling the trigger. He turns to his new bride and tells her "The farm house is only another four miles, we'll just have to walk from here, I'll come back with another horse for the wagon, later."
> 
> His bride goes ballistic, berating him. He eventually gets her hushed up then looks at her and says "Thats one woman."

----------


## Sarge47

The Prospector's Dance

    Have You Ever Danced?

        An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas
leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only
saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the
saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

        The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at
the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted
to."

        A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at
the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

        When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into
the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks
carried clearly through the desert air.

        The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence
was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

        The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's
hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's a$$?"

        The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but...
I've always wanted to."




        There are a few lessons for us all here:




        Never be arrogant.

        Don't waste ammunition.

        Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

        Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

        Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Heh-heh!   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Sarge47

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush.

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush. We've just heard that
the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
Haiti after him.The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's
Fault."

 :Sneaky2:   :Innocent:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:

----------


## Justin Case

> Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush.
> 
> Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush. We've just heard that
> the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
> United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
> Haiti after him.The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's
> Fault."


  **** was certainly a disaster ,

----------


## Pal334

IF YOU EVER FEEL A LITTLE BIT STUPID, JUST DIG THIS UP AND READ IT AGAIN; YOU'LL BEGIN TO THINK YOU'RE A GENIUS.


  (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. 
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
 "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
  "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
  "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
  "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"      --A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
  "Half this game is ninety percent mental."      --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark      MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."      --Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
 "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "      -- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
  "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"      --Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
  "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
  "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."     
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
   "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."      --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  ,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to?
your brilliant friends.

I just did !!

----------


## Justin Case

*The Service
*
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

----------


## hunter63

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time.  I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired.  This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer Care Department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:            “Ridge Hall, computer assistance.  May I help you?”
Caller:               'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator:            “What sort of trouble?”
Caller:               “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator:            “Went away?”
Caller:               “They disappeared”
Operator:            “Hmm.  So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller:               “Nothing.”
Operator:            “Nothing??”
Caller:               “It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.”
Operator:            “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Caller:               “How do I tell?”
Operator:            “Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?”
Caller:               ”What's a sea-prompt?”
Operator:            “Never mind.  Can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller:               “There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.”
Operator:            “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller:               “What's a monitor?”
Operator:            “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on”'
Caller:               “I don't know.”
Operator:            “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that??”
Caller:               “Yes, I think so.”
Operator:            “Great.  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller:               “Yes, it is.”
Operator:            “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? “
Caller:               “No.”
Operator:            “Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller:               “Okay, here it is”
Operator:            “Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Caller:               “I can't reach it.”
Operator:            “OK.  Well, can you see if it is plugged in firmly?”
Caller:               “No.”
Operator:            “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Caller:               “Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.”
Operator:            “Dark?”
Caller:               “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator:            “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller:               “I can't.”
Operator:            “No?  Why not?”
Caller:               “Because there's a power failure.”
Operator:            “A power ... A power failure?  Aha.  Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?”
Caller:               “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator:            “Good.  Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store that you bought it from.”
Caller:               “Really?  Is it that bad?”
Operator:            “Yes, I'm afraid it is.”
Caller:               “Well, all right then, I suppose.  What do I tell them?”
Operator:            “Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!”

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside 
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a 
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

----------


## Justin Case

The Hillbilly Spelling Test

M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs?
L I B! M R ducks

M R snakes
M R not
O S A R
C M B D eyes?
L I B! M R snakes

M R mice
M R not
O S A R
C M E D B D feet?
L I B! M R mice

M R farmers
M R not
O S A R
C M M T pockets
L I B! M R farmers

M R puppies
M R not
O S A R
C M P N
L I B! M R puppies
*Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test*

Them are ducks
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them wings?
Well I'll be! Them are ducks

Them are snakes
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them beady eyes?
Well I'll be! Them are snakes

Them are mice
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them itty bitty feet?
Well I'll be! Them are mice

Them are farmers
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them empty pockets?
Well I'll be! Them are farmers

Them are puppies
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them peeing?
Well I'll be! Them are puppies

----------


## hunter63

The Lone Ranger 



The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert. After they get their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep. 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky.  What you see? ' 

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 


'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute and then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. 
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 



'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'

----------


## Justin Case

LOL  GOOD ONE  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:

----------


## oly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUosUk6X9gE

  Once  upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 
'Will you  marry me?'

The  Princess said, NO!!!' 



And  the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went  fishing and hunting and played golf  and drank beer and scotch and  had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and  farted whenever he wanted.

The  End

----------


## oly

found this.
Girls just dont understand 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Daughter stuck these little jell filled flower thingies to the inside of my
toilet bowl
after 3 days I went and told her that 
I won
I got em all down
she said what!!!
I said I been aiming at em ever since she put em in there and she said
they were to freshen the toilet bowl and they were not for aiming at
so she put more in
and I got em down in 3 more days
then she got mad
I tried to tell her that you cant put something in a man's bowl and not expect him to aim at em
Girls just dont understand

----------


## hunter63

> found this.
> Girls just dont understand 
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> My Daughter stuck these little jell filled flower thingies to the inside of my
> toilet bowl
> after 3 days I went and told her that 
> I won
> ...


Chect it out:
http://www.toiletmarksman.com/toilet_fly.php

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy" said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace.

"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

The Bus Ride 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Deckerbus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

----------


## Justin Case

:clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:

----------


## Rick

My name is Goober Snicklelips. 

From the book, "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave  Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new  names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first  name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c =  goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g =  dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k =  funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o =  fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s =  snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w =  liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2.  Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c =  batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g =  lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k =  flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o =  potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s =  lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w =  hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half  of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c =  face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g =  pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k =  head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o =  brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s =  fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w =  squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

So, for example, Barack Obama's new name would be Dorfus Featherbutt and George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy  Chucklefanny. That pretty much sums it up doesn't it?

----------


## Justin Case

Justin Case,


"Snooty DippinFanny"   :Blushing:

----------


## Stargazer

I am now to be know as Snooty ChickenSniffer the  :Ladysman:

----------


## Stargazer

You quote me then get a jab into 2d.Smooth :Cool2:

----------


## hunter63

Fracas Pottybrains.....Hey!......That's pretty accurate!
DW, Mrs  Snickel Pottybrains
That was fun. like it.

----------


## crashdive123

Hi - I'm Sneezy Battyshorts.  I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Dipsy Battyshorts.

----------


## Justin Case

Some Really Funny pics,   http://www.tvally.com/showthread.php?t=11806

----------


## Rick

Thought for the day:                                                        

Women are Angels                                                            
And when someone breaks their wings,                                      
They simply continue to fly
.........on a  broomstick.                     
They are flexible like that.

----------


## Justin Case

ooohhhh SNAP !

----------


## BENESSE

Men are like outhouse's...
always taken or full of $hit.

----------


## nell67

My new name is...... Boobie Pottytush..... :Blushing:  :Blushing:  :Blushing:

----------


## Rick

LOL on the last two posts. !!!!!

Or both, Benesse.

----------


## BENESSE

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. 
While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than.......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the..............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of...........termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.............stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the.................pigs.
An idle mind is................................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...............................not much.
Two's company, three's.......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as....................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than...............................pregnant!!!!

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Now I might just use this one! LOL :clap: 




> Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.

----------


## huntermj

*Another Dumb Blond Joke
submitted by a reader*

*- The Ventriloquist*

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a persona because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ******** on your knee!!!"

----------


## huntermj

"That's Strange"A man named William Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." 
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that *three* men were buried under the stone. However he suggested _an alternative_.
He suggested the following; *"Here Lies a Man who was BOTH honest and a lawyer."* That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
*"That's Strange!!"*

----------


## Justin Case

> *Another Dumb Blond Joke
> submitted by a reader*
> 
> *- The Ventriloquist*
> 
> A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a persona because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".
> Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ********* on your knee!!!"


LOLOL    Good One !!   :clap:  :clap:

----------


## hunter63

A Frog Walks Into A Bank 


He approaches the teller. He can see from her nametag that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. He says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have  this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty  explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a  knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

----------


## crashdive123

Ya know - I saw it coming - but kept reading anyway.

----------


## Ken

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" 

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer? 

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking? 

"Cause what I wana know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

----------


## crashdive123

Well????????? :Innocent:  :Innocent:  :Innocent:

----------


## Julie362

Oh God, that lizard story is fantastic! I have a gecko of my own, but it is female. You can often tell the sex of a lizard of any type by the presence or absence of the hemipenal "buldge". Small or no buldge = female, large buldge = male. It's at the base of the tail. Some snakes give live birth, but no lizards do that I know of! Great names as well!

----------


## Pal334

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks. 


'Yep,' the Lab replies. 



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**.

----------


## Rick

How Dinosaurs Became Extinct...

----------


## rebel

A man was in a horrible accident and it involved his "man-ness" (?). 

The reconstruction Doc said that reconstruction surgery would be about one thousand dollars an inch and that the man should confer with his wife on what would be appropriate.

After some time had elapsed the Doc called the patient to see what they had decided.

The man said: "we're going with the granite counter-tops"!

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain
 to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff 
wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 
"I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
 down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.


"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
 round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert 
the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT 
until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people 
walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. 
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen 
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

----------


## Justin Case

> A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain
>  to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff 
> wanted to have anything to do with him.
> 
> The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 
> "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
>  down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
> 
> 
> ...


Ha ha ha,,  LOL LOL  GOOD ONE !!

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> Ha ha ha,,  LOL LOL  GOOD ONE !!


 LOL...were you here, when Ken was in the hospital with dingleberryitus???

----------


## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Justin Case

> LOL...were you here, when Ken was in the hospital with dingleberryitus???


LOL,,  No,,  Now its even funnier !

----------


## Sarge47

Two Irish Women in a Bar:

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
While, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
But think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what
Street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
The west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
Part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
Did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
Graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
Smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
Winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe
It? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and
Orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
Head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'   :Innocent:

----------


## Justin Case

ROFLMBO !!!!  Good one !

----------


## Rick

A guy goes into a hardware store and asks the manager for a tool to break up the hard ground. The manager shows him a wall of shovels, hoes, and other tools and says, "Take your pick".

----------


## Rick

"Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!"  "What's the trouble?" "One night I dream that I'm a car's muffler. And then the next night, I dream that I'm part of the wheel."  "Why is that such a big deal?"  "I wake up exhausted and tired."

----------


## Justin Case

A guy runs into a dentist office on night,  Doctor Doctor, Ya gotta help Me,  I think I'm a Moth !    The Dentist says,,   I cant help you, you need a Psychiatrist,     Yes I know,  but your Light was On !

----------


## Justin Case

Two Atoms are walking down the road, One says to the other,  " I dont feel very good, I think I lost some electrons"   Are you sure? said the other,  "Yes, I'm Positive" !

----------


## Rick

Tom is obsessed with monorails. All he ever talks about is monorails - especially how amazing it is that they travel with the use of just a single rail. He has a one-track mind.

----------


## crashdive123

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

----------


## Justin Case

A Guy say "Doc, I have a real problem,  every night have this crazy dream,  First I'm a tepee,  then I'm a Wigwam,  Back and fourth, back and fourth"  The Doctor says,,  "Relax,  you're just two tents"

----------


## Rick

John loves wheat - wheat bread, wheat rolls, wheat muffins - he can't get enough of wheat. Only problem: He's allergic to it. Whenever he eats it, he breaks out with a rash. But does that stop him from eating it? No, he's a real gluten for punishment.

----------


## Rick

A rancher was taking inventory of his livestock. He figured it wouldn't take him too long because he knew for a fact that he had exactly 196 head of cattle. But then he discovered that he actually had 200 head. How'd he find out? He rounded them up.

----------


## Justin Case

A Guy goes to the Doctor with a Banana in each ear and a grape in each nostril,   The Doc says "  I know what the trouble is,  You dont eat right !"

----------


## Rick

A man heard about a discovery of gold in California. He immediately packed up his possessions and moved out west. Six months later, he gave up and returned home. Why? It didn't pan out.

----------


## Justin Case

Hmm,,  I dont think I know anymore PG13 jokes  :Innocent:

----------


## crashdive123

Light travels faster than sound

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

----------


## crashdive123

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned

----------


## Rick

My last one...  The state Treasurer had to balance the budget, so he sliced a little bit off the proposed funding for schools, parks, and other services. It was the most successful fund razor of the year.

----------


## crashdive123

Here's one for you know who....

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?

It comes with all of Ken's stuff

----------


## crashdive123

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"

"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

----------


## crashdive123

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"

"What's come over you?"

----------


## crashdive123

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"

"Pull yourself together!"

----------


## Justin Case

Roflmbo !!  Lol

----------


## Rick

A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Ken, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."  "That's very fair, your honor," Ken replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

----------


## Sarge47

People  in Clackamas County, Oregon have a warped sense of humor.

At a  view point just outside Molalla, Oregon, a deer was struck by a vehicle.   At the same area, a couch had been dumped there earlier.  And thus  this story unfolds…

Day two the deer was on the couch.

Day  three the end table and lamp showed up.

Day four the TV and TV  stand showed up.

On day five a Trooper had to call ODOT because  of all the people stopping to take pictures.

The Cardboard  caption in front of the couch reads:
"Sorry Hunters.  Obama ruined  health care.  We can't afford to have injured hunters on our conscience,  so I'm staying home!  Sorry, the Deer."

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum. 


 :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:   :Cool2:

----------


## Rick

Three guys were out fishing when an angel suddenly appeared in the boat with them. The first guy was a bit apprehensive but finally said, "If you're really an angel then you could probably do something about my bad back." 

The angel touched his back and he felt immediate relief. 

The second guy pointed to his coke bottle glasses and said he had been nearly blind his whole life. The angel took his glasses and tossed them in the lake. As soon as they hit the water everything came into perfect view. His sight was fully restored. 

The angel turned to the third guy, "Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!!"

----------


## Justin Case

> Three guys were out fishing when an angel suddenly appeared in the boat with them. The first guy was a bit apprehensive but finally said, "If you're really an angel then you could probably do something about my bad back." 
> 
> The angel touched his back and he felt immediate relief. 
> 
> The second guy pointed to his coke bottle glasses and said he had been nearly blind his whole life. The angel took his glasses and tossed them in the lake. As soon as they hit the water everything came into perfect view. His sight was fully restored. 
> 
> The angel turned to the third guy, "Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!!"


LOL LOL  Good one !   :Smile:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

The General is a quick thinker..

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan . 

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped.  Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave." 

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

----------


## Ken

> A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Ken, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," Ken replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


Ken wishes it was $800 a week.   :Sneaky2:

----------


## BENESSE

> Ken wishes it was $800 a week.


Would you rather save the money and be with her? :Sneaky2:

----------


## BENESSE

> Pfft! He married that prize...then had to spend all that money to get rid of her.......and he calls me dumb.


He should think of it as a "get out of jail" fee.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Well....since my little yankee buddy ain't here to take up for himself, let's just say that the suffering and expense, was the price he paid, for the kids, that she gave him.

(Hey...... we gotta make him think it was worth it, right?)  :Innocent:

----------


## BENESSE

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

----------


## Justin Case

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle
 from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

----------


## Ken

> Here's one for you know who....
> 
> Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
> 
> It comes with all of Ken's stuff


I just read this for the first time.  Between you and Sarge, there's gonna' be a lot of changes made to my will.  :Sneaky2:

----------


## Rick

Despicable, Ken. That joke is truly despicable....buddy.

----------


## BLEUXDOG

> Despicable, Ken. That joke is truly despicable....buddy.


 
Rick need some Chapstick?? :Winkiss:

----------


## Rick

No. No thanks. His will, will work just fine. But thanks for asking.

----------


## Ken

> Despicable, Ken. That joke is truly despicable....buddy.


*note to self:  Make sure estate planning lawyer spells Rick's last name correctly.*

----------


## BENESSE

> *note to self:  Make sure estate planning lawyer spells Rick's last name correctly.*


Could be just me, but I didn't get the _Ken & Rick sitting in a tree_ memo.

----------


## Justin Case

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

----------


## Sarge47

> I just read this for the first time.  Between you and Sarge, there's gonna' be a lot of changes made to my will.


It's not YOUR will I want to be in, it's your ex-wife's will since she got all of your stuff.So big deal, Rick & I miss out on a couple of Beagles and a yard full of squirrels!   :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Ken

What was that?   :Sneaky2: 

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

*reaches for the fly-swatter*

----------


## BLEUXDOG

_ And don't forget the ducks!_

----------


## Rick

Several customers were sitting in a barbershop when a kid crosses the street walking toward the shop. 

"Hey fellas," said the barber with a smirk. "Here comes the world's dumbest kid. You just watch this."

The barber takes out a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other. The kid walks into the shop, looks at the barber, takes the two quarters and leaves. 

"Whad I tell ya?" asked the barber with a laugh. 

About an hour later one of the customers passes the boy, who is standing outside a candy shop. 

"Say, son, I was at the barbershop this morning when you came in. Why did you take the two quarters and not the dollar?"

The kid turned to the man, "'Cause the minute I take that dollar, the game's over." 

Never judge a book by its cover. That's what my momma always said.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

I think I've posted this before, but what the heck.....It's a classic.  :Innocent:  LOL




> The Pope
> and Nancy Pelosi are on the same
> stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge 
> crowd.
> 
> The 
> 
> Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave 
> 
> ...

----------


## Sarge47

> I think I've posted this before, but what the heck.....It's a classic.  LOL


I'm not catholic, but bless the Pope anyway!   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Sarge47

>>25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me.."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:   :clap:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A Blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The Blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the Blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the Blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the Blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

----------


## Justin Case

> A Blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
> 
> "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
> The Blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
> The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
> 
> A short time later, the Blond came to the door to collect her money.
> "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the Blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the Blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


 :clap:  :clap:  :clap:    ha ha  ,,  good One !!

----------


## Pal334

I think these folks have a real good reason for a job action.

http://www.9wsyr.com/entertainment/w...VIZKGJb6Q.cspx

Workers strike over beer limits

Last Update: 4/12 9:04 am 


Beer (Cate Gillon, Getty Images/file) 
Workers at the Carlsberg beer warehouse in Denmark have been on strike after bosses reduced the amount of time staff can drink beer during working hours.
The staff was allowed to drink any time they wanted, but new regulations have restricted consuming free beer to lunchtime only.
A representative for the striking employees claims they were not consulted about the change, and he cites their accident-free record to prove his point that the all-day drinking allowance wasn't a problem.

----------


## Sarge47

> I think these folks have a real good reason for a job action.
> 
> http://www.9wsyr.com/entertainment/w...VIZKGJb6Q.cspx
> 
> Workers strike over beer limits
> 
> Last Update: 4/12 9:04 am 
> 
> 
> ...


When asked if they thought this was worth striking over, one of the worker's replied:  "Ya durn right!  Who are wheeze guys...deese guys...uh, who dey...hmmm...yep, we do!"   :Sneaky2:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE 




A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'  

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'  

'Oh, I don't know,' said the  congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly. 

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be  interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'  

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'  

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?

----------


## Batch

Fella is out hiking and he come on to a guy who is hugging a tree. He asks if the guy is ok and the guy says yeah. He says if you hug the tree you can hear nature. He tells the guy to try it. 

As soon as the guy hugs the tree the other guy handcuffs him to the tree and steals his clothes and wallet.

Awhile later a guy comes walking down the trail and sees the first guy handcuffed. He asks why and the guy tells him. A second later the guy hears a zipper and the guy whispers in his ear, "this just isn't your day!"


If that is too risque delete it.

----------


## nell67

Dear Lord,this year,you took my favorite actor,Patrick Swayzie. You took my favorite actress,Farrah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer,Michael Jackson.I just wanted you to know,my favorite president is Barack Obama. 

Amen.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Atlanta   Airport 



You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!


Atlanta  ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511  You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R"

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R  


Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. 

Allah is Great." 







Pause....

  Saudi Air:   ATLANTA ATC -    ATLANTA ATC!"


Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."


 Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"



     Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --

----------


## BENESSE

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting 
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. 

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." 

"How much?" asked Grandpa. 

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son. 

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." 

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told 
you each pill was $10, not $110. 

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

----------


## Justin Case

Good one  !!!!   :clap:

----------


## Justin Case

YOU WILL GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE!

    Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. 
    But, as time went by, the traffic 
    slowly built up at an alarming rate. 
    The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his 
    chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. 

    So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
    and said, "You've got to do something about all
    of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. 
    "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" 
    So the next day he had the county workers 
    go out and erected a sign that said: 

    SLOW: 
    SCHOOL CROSSING 


    Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff 
    and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. 
    The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." 
    So, again, the sheriff sends out the county 
    workers and they put up a new sign: 
    SLOW: 
    CHILDREN AT PLAY





    That really sped them up. So Farmer John called 
    and called and called every day for three weeks. 
    Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
    doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?" 
    The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." 
    He was going to let Farmer John do just about
    anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. 


    The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. 
    Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the 
    sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.. 
    "How's the problem with those drivers. 
    Did you put up your sign?"

    "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been 
    killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." 
    He hung up the phone. 
    The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
    himself, "I'd better go out there and take a 
    look at that sign... it might be something that 
    WE could use to slow down drivers..." 

    So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, 
    and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
    It was spray painted on a sheet of wood.... 

    NUDIST COLONY
    Go slow and watch out for chicks!

----------


## BENESSE

A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex. 
The guy says to the girl, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."

The girl replies, "Hell, if I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

----------


## Pal334

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I  work, they

pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes  as it sees  fit. 

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine  test (with which I have no problem).  

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. 

So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? 

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs  while I work. 

Can you imagine how much money  each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? 

I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! 


Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country!!!!!!!!

----------


## BENESSE

Agree 100%!!!

----------


## Justin Case

+ 1,  Agreed,,,  That and no new Babies allowed ,,

BTW,  why is this in Jokes ?

----------


## Pal334

> + 1,  Agreed,,,  That and no new Babies allowed ,,
> 
> BTW,  why is this in Jokes ?


Just because  :Smile:   Did not want to start a new thread

----------


## Sarge47

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin
writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
finishes, her charge is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Justin Case

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.    


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.    


What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.    


What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?    


Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2 She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.    


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.    


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.    


What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Strange. When I read this, for some reason, I thought of Pal. :Innocent: 




> An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." 
> 
> "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. 
> 
> "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" 
> 
> "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. 
> 
> "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.


Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."


The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

----------


## Justin Case

LOL,,   :Smile:   good one

----------


## woodsman86

Let Me See If I Got This Right!!!


If You Cross The North Korean Border Illegally
You Get 12 Years Hard Labor.

If You Cross The Iranian Border Illegally
You Are Detained Indefinitely.

If You Cross The Afghan Border Illegally 
You Get Shot.

If You Cross The Saudi Arabian Border Illegally 
You Will Be Jailed.

If You Cross The Chinese Border Illegally 
You May Never Be Heard From Again.

If You Cross The Venezuelan Border Illegally 
You Will Be Branded A Spy And Your Fate Will Be Sealed.

If You Cross The Cuban Border Illegally 
You Will Be Thrown Into Political Prison To Rot.

If You Cross The U.s. Border Illegally You Get
1 - A Job,
2 - A Drivers License,
3 - Social Security Card,
4 - Welfare,
5 - Food Stamps,
6 - Credit Cards,
7 - Subsidized Rent Or A Loan To Buy A House,
8 - Free Education,
9 - Free Health Care,
10 - A Lobbyist In Washington
11 - Billions Of Dollars Worth Of Public Documents Printed In Your Language
12 - And The Right To Carry Your Country's Flag While You Protest That You Don't Get Enough Respect


I Just Wanted To Make Sure I Had A Firm Grasp On The Situation...

----------


## Ken

Great post!  Rep going your way, woodsman!   :clap:

----------


## Pal334

> Strange. When I read this, for some reason, I thought of Pal.


Oh Yea?  I lock myself in the closet and tell her I won't come out  :Drool:

----------


## Pal334

*May be a re post, but still a goody*

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD 
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before last. 
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T. 
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. 
 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model *1911 .45 ACP pistol* for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! 
 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. 
 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! 
 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] 
 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. 
 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. 
 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). 
  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

----------


## woodsman86

> Great post!  Rep going your way, woodsman!


Thanks...it is an unfortunate funny reality

----------


## Rick

Several years ago I had changed cell phone numbers at work and hadn't updated my voice message after a few days. So it was still the default pass code. Some moron from the DC area called into my voice message and left a string of vulgarities as my voice message. Not cool for a work number. I did, however, have caller ID. And working for the phone company, it didn't take much to find out a whole lot of information on the fool. I did have a lot of fun at his expense.

----------


## woodsman86

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.  

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.  

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. 

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with a school buddy that has a headache also.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.  

Scenario 6:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.  

Scenario 7:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

----------


## Sarge47

_LIFE EXPLAINED!_


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.   :Sneaky2:

----------


## tsitenha

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

----------


## Sarge47

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says
to the old rooster: "time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't
stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head
start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.

The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says, Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...

Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery overcomes youth and arrogance!   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Justin Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

First Class Blond

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a
ticket for the coach section. 

She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and morecomfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that
her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. 

The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA." 

The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend and that he can take care of the problem.

He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. 

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isnt going to LA."

----------


## rwc1969

How amny survivalists does it take to set up a tent? None! somebody else would have already done it while the survivalists decided what the best approach would be. LOL!  :Smile:

----------


## Rick

None! They don't use tents. They would build a wikiup out of young saplings, bark and a quarter sheet of tarp someone discarded. They would heat it with a hobo stove made from a large pork and beans can found along the trail and prepare to going fishing with home made cordage made while they warmed up in the wikiup. Come on man, we're talkin' survivalists!!!!!!

----------


## Pal334

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I
assumed you had stolen the car.''

----------


## nell67

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, 
Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up? 
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:... See More
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. 
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults, when I disobeyed my parents,
told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and the cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, the world would be a better place.

----------


## crashdive123

> The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, 
> Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up? 
> I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:... See More
> I was drug to church on Sunday morning. 
> I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
> I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
> I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults, when I disobeyed my parents,
> told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
> I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
> ...


There's a whole lot of truth in those words.

----------


## Pal334

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.  Don't laugh.....it is all true.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 
and heading towards 70!   

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.  

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? 

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.  You can eat supper at 4 pm.  

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 

10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 

12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.  

13.  You sing along with elevator music. 

14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.  

16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 

17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.   

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.  

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.  

*And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.*

----------


## nell67

*Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land". Nearly 40 years ago, Lyndon B. Johnson said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land". Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!*

----------


## nell67

Dear Friends,
My neighbor was recently in the hospital for a small surgical procedure, a butt lift. She didn't have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. I think something went wrong. I don't recommend having this done.

----------


## Winnie

That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!

----------


## crashdive123

> That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!


It's thong boys cousin.

----------


## Winnie

Ahhh, it all makes sense now.

----------


## nell67

> That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!


Sorry Winnie! :Blushing:  :Innocent:

----------


## Rick

I just threw up a little.

----------


## nell67

> I just threw up a little.


Now you know how us ladies feel when that _other_ picture gets posted.

----------


## Rick

Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.

----------


## nell67

> Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.


Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....

----------


## Ken

> Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) *to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....*


You can PM Crashdive for Justin's address. Just sayin'.  :Innocent:

----------


## nell67

> You can PM Crashdive for Justin's address. Just sayin'.


LOL :Smile:  Thanks Ken!

----------


## Justin Case

> Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.


Sure , Throw Poor Justin under the bus  :Sneaky2:

----------


## Rick

It looked more like a dive to me.

----------


## Justin Case

Now This is a Hell of a way to wake up,,  Y'all are lucky I haven't had any coffee 
yet !    :Blushing:

----------


## Ken

> Sure , Throw Poor Justin under the bus


Sarge wants to be the busdriver.   :Innocent:

----------


## crashdive123

> Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....


I'm just glad nobody is starting up the Senior Members Eloquently Living Like Yesteryear Fairly Agile Response Team. :Innocent:

----------


## Ken

> I'm just glad nobody is starting up the Senior Members Eloquently Living Like Yesteryear Fairly Agile Response Team.


How about if they were "elegant" instead of "eloquent?"   :Innocent:

----------


## crashdive123

> How about if they were "elegant" instead of "eloquent?"


hehehehehehehe - hope she is doing well.

----------


## Justin Case

he he he he

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Ken

> he he he he
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Did you both have a good time on your date last night, Justin?   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Justin Case

It was Late and i could see that she was Hor,,,,,,  um,,  Nevermind  :Whistling:

----------


## BENESSE

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

----------


## Justin Case

what do dogs do to the cars they catch ?  :Innocent:

----------


## nell67

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mKEURk4AOg

----------


## Justin Case

Lol,, Yikes !

----------


## HeritageFarm

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mKEURk4AOg


The cop seems to be enjoying it as much as the dog.

----------


## nell67

*"Vegetarian"  - "veg-eh-tare-ian" : Indian word means BAD HUNTER !!!*

----------


## HeritageFarm

Politicians have no moral fiber - they're all acrylic.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..

----------


## Rick

You just summed up my life in four lines. And I'm content. Go figure.

----------


## Sarge47

Joe, an avid outdoors-man & hunter, was in his favorite bar, knocking back a cold brew, when in walks a very good hunting buddy he hasn't seen for awhile.

"Bill!" he exclaims, "Where ya been ole' pal?  I haven't seen you in a coon's age!"

"Well,"  Bill says, " I was out deer hunting last year when a large Black Bear came out of the bush, seemingly from no where, knocked my gun out of my hands, and started attacking me.  I grabbed my hunting knife and managed to fight it off.  Ut ran away & I found myself in the hospital for awhile & I've been healing ever since."

"Wow!"  Joe says, "Have a scar?"

"No thanks," Bill replies, "I don't smoke."

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Chicken... 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was,and I said,''FRIED CHICKEN.''She said I wasn't funny,but she couldn't have been right,every-one else in the class laughed.My parents told me to always be honest,and I am.Fried chicken is my favorite animal.I told my dad what happened,and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.He said they love animals very much.I do,too.Especially chicken,pork and beef.Anyway,my teacher sent me to the principal's office.I told him what happened,and he laughed too.Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.I told her it was chicken.She asked me why,just like she had asked the other children.So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.She sent me back to the principal's office again.He laughed,and told me not to do it again.I don't understand.My parents taught me to be honest,but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.Today,my teacher asked us to tell her what Famous person we admire most.I told her,''Colonel Sanders''.
Guess where I am now....

----------


## Justin Case

*Garage Door
*
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' 

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..


*An elderly gentleman..*. . 
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' 
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. 
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

----------


## Pal334

I owe my mother




1..  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A  JOB WELL DONE . 
"If you're going to kill each other, do  it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3.  My mother taught me about TIME  TRAVEL. 
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock  you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 
"  Because I said so, that's why." 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me." 

6. My  mother taught me FORESIGHT. 
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.." 

8.  My mother taught me about the  science of OSMOSIS . 
"Shut your mouth and eat your  supper." 

9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM. 
"Will you look at that dirt on  the back of your neck!" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  .. 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11.  My mother taught me about  WEATHER. 
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went  through it." 

12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
"If I told you once, I've  told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE. 
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.." 

14. My mother  taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . 
"Stop acting  like your father!" 

15. My  mother taught me about ENVY. 
"There are millions of  less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 

16.. My mother  taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
"Just wait until we get  home." 

17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING . 
"You are going to get it when you  get home!" 

18. My mother  taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
"If you don't stop crossing  your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

19. My mother taught me ESP. 
"Put  your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20.  My mother taught me  HUMOR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me." 

21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 
"If you don't  eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  
"You're just like your father." 

23.. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS. 
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think  you were born in a barn?" 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

And my  favorite: 
  25..  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  . 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you !"

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## Pal334

TWO WOLVES 

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. 

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. 

"The other is God - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:  "Which wolf wins?" 

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

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## Rick

Jimmy Buffett in the 21st Century...

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

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## 2dumb2kwit

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with
some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee
and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

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## Justin Case

:Sneaky2:  :Sneaky2:  :Sneaky2:       ,   :Blushing:

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## Pal334

Subject: When you marry a Jersey Girl
Three friends married women from different parts of the country….
The first one married a woman from California. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second one married a woman from Utah. He told her that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he did not see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. 
The third guy married a girl from New Jersey.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out f his left eye, his arm was healed enough that he could fix a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has difficulty when he pees.

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## Rick

The recession is hitting everyone. Just last week, a Washington lobby organization had to lay off seven congressmen.

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## nell67

*TWENTY DOLLARS*  *On their wedding night, the young bride*  *Approached her new husband and asked*  *For $20..00 for their first lovemaking*  *Encounter. In his highly aroused state,*  *Her husband readily agreed.*  *This scenario was repeated each time they made*  *Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a*  *Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that*  *She needed.* *Arriving home around noon one day, she was*  *Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.*  *During the next few minutes, he explained that*  *His employer was going through a process of corporate*  *Downsizing, and he had been let go.*  *

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling 
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, 
These holdings had multiplied and these were the 
Results of her savings and investments.* *

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'**

That's when she shot him.**

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut*

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## BENESSE

> You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
> To keep their mouths shut


 :Laugh:  :Lol:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet, New 

        York scientist found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and 

        came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone 

        network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug 

        to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 

        California archaeologist, finding of 200 year old copper wire, has 

        concluded that his ancestors already had an advanced high-tech 

        communications network a hundred years earlier than the New 

        Yorkers.

One week later, a local newspaper in Myrtle Beach stated 

        that after digging as deep as 30 feet in his Horry County backyard, 

        Bubba, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely 

        nothing. Bubba therefore concluded that 300 years ago, South Carolina 

        had already gone wireless.

Just makes you proud to be a 

        Southerner, don't it.

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## Justin Case

LOL LOL   GOOD ONE !!!   :Smash:

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## Rick

As I'm sure all of you know, Gary Coleman recently passed away. He was laid to rest in a specially designed, stainless steel coffin with his name engraved on the side. 
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Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

I know, I know. That's pretty bad. But you have to admit it's pretty funny, too.

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## Justin Case

Oh Rick,,  you are gonna go straight to hell for that one !  :Innocent:

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## woodsman86

Though this may not be a joke per say, it made me laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GTfq2m-SnY

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## Justin Case

> Though this may not be a joke per say, it made me laugh
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GTfq2m-SnY


LOL LOL,,  made me laugh too !

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## 2dumb2kwit

Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos. 
 :Innocent:

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## Justin Case

> Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.


Confucius say ?

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Confucius say ?


....or maybe Rick. :Innocent:  LOL

----------


## Pal334

Although this is not a joke, I decided to put it here rather than start a new thread.
As a "nod" to the agreed  upon forum rules, where ever you see ****** please insert the word or phrase of your choice  :Smile: 



*YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN* 
I Am the *******’S Worst Nightmare. 
I am an American. 
I am a ******* and believe in God. 
I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products. 
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some ****** governmental functionary be it ******* or ******! 
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way! 
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American. 
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. 
Get over it ! 

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English. 
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. 

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers 

I don't hate the rich.   I don't pity the poor. 
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it. 
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! 

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

This is AMERICA .

We like it the way it is ! 


If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you. 

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.




I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. 

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. 

I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money. 




I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. 

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. 

Get a Job and do your part! 

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. 

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think. 

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA ! 

*If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.*

----------


## BENESSE

Amen from another Bad American.

----------


## Asger

(I apologise to all the ladies in advance for this one!)
Why do women suck at skiing?
Because theres no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom!

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## woodsman86

> *YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN* 
> I Am the *******S Worst Nightmare. 
> I am an American...
> 
> ...I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA ! 
> 
> *If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.*


Amen Pal!! Nothing I could add to that.

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## Rick

Please let me add one. I don't want to push any button for English. There shouldn't be a choice. It should only be in English. Period. End of discussion.

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## Pal334

I have to agree with you. Although my household (and me by default) is multi lingual (English, Spanish, Thai and Laotian), everyone speaks english. Even in Puerto Rico which is a Spanish speaking Common Wealth, all official business is conducted in English.

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## Sarge47

> I have to agree with you. Although my household (and me by default) is multi lingual (English, Spanish, Thai and Laotian), everyone speaks english. Even in Puerto Rico which is a Spanish speaking Common Wealth, all official business is conducted in English.


Aww, c'mon Pal...you live in New jersey, nobody there speaks English!   :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:

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## Pal334

Alright Sarge, I confess, I speak Joiseian or some such. If I go to the northern part of the state, I take a translator

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## Sarge47

Now that's funny, I don't care where Pal's from!   :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:

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## Sarge47

WOMEN'S BUTT SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their butts;
the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their butt is too fat.............
10% of women think their butt is too skinny.......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

 :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:

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## crimescene450

this is a sign my brother in  law has in his garage.

sorry its sideways, i canty get it to turn without making it take up the entire screen.

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## Winnie

Does your brother know Sourdough?

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Does your brother know Sourdough?


 Now, that's funny! LOL :Tongue Smilie:

----------


## BENESSE

*first Book Of Democrat*

Obama Is A Shepherd,

I Shall Not Want.

He Leadeth Me Beside Still Factories.

He Restoreth My Faith In The Republican Party.

He Guideth Me In The Path Of Unemployment..

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Bread Line,

I Shall Not Go Hungry.

Obama Has Anointed My Income With Taxes,

My Expenses Runneth Over My Income,

Surely, Poverty And Hard Living Will Follow Me

All The Days Of My Life.

And I Will Live Forever

In A Rented Home.

But I Am Glad I Am An American,

I Am Glad That I Am Free.

But I Wish I Was A Dog

And Obama Was A Tree.

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## oly

Gosh, 
I'm rich!


Silver 
in the Hair 

Gold 
in the Teeth 

Stones 
in the Kidneys 

Sugar 
in the Blood. 

Lead 
in the *** 


Iron 
in the Arteries 

And 
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas. 


 I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

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## Ken

Eavesdropping...‏   :Innocent: 

http://media.mtvnservices.com/player...ive.com&geo=US

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## 2dumb2kwit

I was a very happy man. 
My wonderful girlfriend 
and I had been dating for
over a year and so we 
decided to get married.

There was only one 
little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful 
younger sister. 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very 
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. 

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. 

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was 
near anyone else. 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. 

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once 
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. 

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. 

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing 
outside, all clapping! 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' 

And the moral of this story is: 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

----------


## Pal334

The Pastor's A**     

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race 
and it won.  
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey 
that he entered it in the race again 
and it won again.

      The local paper read:
    PASTOR'S 
A** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of 
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to 
enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: 

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S A**.

This was too much for the Bishop so he 
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.


      The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun 
in a nearby convent.

      The local paper, hearing of the news, 
posted the following headline
the next day:


NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN.

  The Bishop fainted.

      He informed the Nun that she would have to 
get rid of the donkey so she 
sold it to a farmer for $10. 

      The next day the paper read:

      NUN 
SELLS A** FOR $10.

      This was too much for the Bishop so he 
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey 
and lead it to the plains 
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES 
HER A** IS WILD AND FREE.

      The Bishop was buried the next day.

      The moral of the story is . . . 
being concerned about public opinion can 
bring you much grief and misery . . 
even shorten your life.


      So be yourself and enjoy life.


      Stop worrying about everyone else's a**
and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Have a nice day!

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

These are just for humor, not political discussion.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

--Conan O'Brien



The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and
think 25 to life would be appropriate.

--Jay Leno


 America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

--Jay Leno


Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

--Jay Leno


Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to
society. The other is for housing prisoners.

--David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

--Jimmy Fallon


Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

--Jimmy Kimmel


Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--David Letterman

----------


## mountain mama

2dumb, where's the joke?

----------


## Sarge47

FW: poor choice of words for a headline‏:

Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703

 :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:  :no way:  :Confused1:

----------


## Ken

> FW: poor choice of words for a headline‏:
> 
> Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters
> http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703


No big deal.  It was only the Prefontaine Classic Diamond League meeting.  Wait until the Olympics.  You'll see.  Gay may blow a few, but he won't choke on the big one.   :Innocent:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

I was testing the children

in my Sunday school class

to see if they understood the concept 
of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale , and gave all my money , to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered. 

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, 
would that get me into Heaven?

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' 

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! 

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?'

I asked them again. 
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. 
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?' 


A five-year-old boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

----------


## Justin Case

Ha ha ha,,  Good one !

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

I can't remember if this one has been posted. :Blushing: 
Oh, well....





> An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee... As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!'
> 
> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' 
> 
> Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator." 
> 
> ...

----------


## woodsman86

BS and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

----------


## Sarge47

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could
have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

 :Sneaky2:   :Sneaky2:   :Sneaky2:

----------


## Rick

A new teacher was trying  to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,  'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little  Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No,  ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' 

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother  smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make  myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a  tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' 

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying  attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28  and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon  Network!' 

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip  to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board  of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and  asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.  'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep  him when you took his picture ? "  

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his  father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up  and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,  'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying  horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I  buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom  ....'

Little Larry should be out of time out by 2019.

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## Justin Case

Mommy do people go to Heaven feet first ?

I don't know, why ?

Because Daddy is upstairs with the Maid, she's got her feet in the air screaming "Oh God I'm coming" and he's trying to hold her down.

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## Rick

*The Story of the Post Turtle*

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.
*
*One day a 75 year old rancher caught his hand in the gate while  working his cattle. The cut was pretty bad, beyond just wrapping it and goin' ahead with the days chores. So he called upon the town's doctor to have it stitched. As the doctor sutured the old man's hand he struck up a conversation with him.  Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.  

The old rancher said,  "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar  with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Turtle?" 

The old rancher said,  "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a  turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." 

The old rancher saw the  puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he  didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what  to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just  wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there in the first place."

There was no charge for the stitchin'.  *
*

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## Pal334

These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1.    Learn to work the toilet seat.   You're a big girl.   If it's up,
put it down.   We need it up, you need it down.   You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1.    Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.   Let it be.

1.    Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1.    Ask for what you want.   Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle
hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not
work!   Just say it!

1.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In
fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.    If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1.    If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.   You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done.   Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself

1.    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.
; We have NO idea what mauve is.

1.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.    If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1.    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really!

1.    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1.    You have enough clothes.

1.   You have too many shoes.

1.    I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1.   Thank you for reading this.   Yes, I know I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?   It's like
camping.

----------


## BENESSE

Cute rules.
I can see how life would be so much simpler if only half were followed.

----------


## nell67

> Cute rules.
> I can see how life would be so much simpler if only half were followed.


BEE,don't encourage him,it WILL get him in deep doo doo!

----------


## BENESSE

The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have gotten numerous calls....

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call and ask for "Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever......

----------


## BENESSE

> BEE,don't encourage him,it WILL get him in deep doo doo!


Well that's the point, Nell.  :Sneaky2:

----------


## nell67

> the Following Ad In "the Atlanta Journal" Is Reported To Have Gotten Numerous Calls....
> 
> Single Black Female... Seeks Male Companionship, Ethnicity Unimportant. I'm A Very Good Looking Girl Who Loves To Play. I Love Long Walks In The Woods, Riding In Your Pickup Truck, Hunting, Camping, And Fishing Trips, Cozy Winter Nights Lying By The Fire. Candlelight Dinners Will Have Me Eating Out Of Your Hand. Rub Me The Right Way And Watch Me Respond. I'll Be At The Front Door When You Get Home From Work, Wearing Only What Nature Gave Me. Kiss Me And I'm Yours. Call And Ask For "daisy."
> 
> over 150 Men Found Themselves Talking To The Local Humane Society About An Eight-week-old Black Labrador Retriever......


Lmao!!!!!!!!

----------


## Pal334

OK ladies. It is too late for me, just trying to help some of the younger male members  :Smile:

----------


## BENESSE

Pal, are you saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks?  :Smile: 
(btw. it's never too late...try one and see how it works out.)

----------


## BushedOut

Ha Ha Ha.. Very funny!

----------


## Rick

Hey bushed out, why not laugh you way over to our Introduction section and tell us a bit about yourself? 

http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...ead.php?t=7813

----------


## Justin Case

Maybe he's too tired ?  :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

> Pal, are you saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks? 
> (btw. it's never too late...try one and see how it works out.)


I guess you could teach an old dog new tricks, but when you have a "catch" such as me, not sure it would be worth the effort  :Online2long:

----------


## BENESSE

I suppose you can always "play dead".
Works for Mr. B.

----------


## Rick

We've all heard the old story of the ant and the grasshopper. Well, here's today's version: 

The ant works  hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his  house and laying up supplies for the winter. 

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and  laughs and dances and plays the summer away. 

Come winter, the shivering  grasshopper calls a press  conference and demands to know why the ant should  be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.  

CBS, NBC , PBS,  CNN, and ABC  show up to provide pictures of the shivering  grasshopper next to a video of  the ant in his  comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is  stunned by the sharp contrast. 

How can this  be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is  allowed to suffer so? 

Kermit the  Frog appears on Oprah with the  grasshopper and everybody cries  when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN  stages a demonstration in front of the  ant's house where the  news stations film the group singing, “We shall  overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah  Wright  has the group kneel down to pray for  the grasshopper's  sake. 

President  Obama condems the  ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan,  Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.  

Nancy Pelosi & Harry  Reid exclaim in an  interview with Larry King that  the ant  has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an  immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair  share. 

Finally, the  EEOC  drafts the Economic Equity  & Anti-Grasshopper  Act retroactive to the  beginning of the summer. 

The ant is  fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green  bugs and,  
having  nothing left  to  pay his  retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government  Green Czar and  given to  the  grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the  grasshopper and his  free-loading  friends  finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while  the government house he is  in, which,  as you recall, just happens to be the ant's  old house, crumbles around them because  thegrasshopper  doesn't maintain it.  

The ant  has   disappeared in the snow, never to be  seen again.

The grasshopper is  found dead in a  drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is  taken over  by a gang of  spiders who  terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous   and peaceful,  neighborhood. 

The entire  Nation  collapses bringing the rest  of the free world with  it.

----------


## hunter63

Not really a joke, but I can relate.

Speaking of Marines..................... 


If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!! 


A United States Marine was taking some college courses 
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq 
 and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor  who 
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU. 


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. 
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then 
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min." 
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes 
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting." 

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got 
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; 
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. 

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. 
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there 
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, 
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 
 "What in the world is the matter with you?  Why did you do that?" 

The Marine calmly replied, 
"GOD was too busy today protecting America's 
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid 
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me." 

The classroom erupted in cheers!

----------


## Pal334

> I suppose you can always "play dead".
> Works for Mr. B.


Hmmm,,  I should share  the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"

----------


## BENESSE

This might help clarify some basics:

----------


## BENESSE

> Hmmm,,  I should share  the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"


Works for me!

----------


## Justin Case

> Not really a joke, but I can relate.
> 
> Speaking of Marines..................... 
> 
> 
> If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!! 
> 
> 
> A United States Marine was taking some college courses 
> ...


is he still in Jail ?  :Innocent:

----------


## Rick

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub  together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to  enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and  gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The  Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out  over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little twit!"

----------


## Rick

Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"

----------


## Pal334

Never squat with yer spurs on. 

*Theres two theories to arguin with a woman; neither one works.* 

Dont worry about bitin off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot biggern you think. 

If you get to thinkin youre a person of some influence, try orderin somebody elses dog around. 

Never smack a man whos chewin tobacco. 

It dont take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. 

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

Always drink upstream from the herd. 

If youre ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there. 

Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier n puttin it back in. 

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A $50 Lesson.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President someday. 
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her: "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied: "I'd give food to the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow... what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my patio, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said: "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

----------


## Justin Case

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?


 Evil, rich, white guys I guess. Isn't that who hires the dirty, hungry, illegal aliens, that don't have cars? You know....the ones who are the reason for the illegals coming here. :Innocent:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?


 LOL...you know....as hard a time as you have seeing the point, I bet you cut yourself every time you pick up a knife! LOL :Tongue Smilie:  :Blushing:  :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR IT.

----------


## Pal334

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=078_1281746816


The latest CIA intel from the border region of Pakistan has been released by the Whitehouse today. The video is of good quality and shows a new training method for front line Taliban forces. The main cause of death for the Taliban is currently the AH-64 Apache used by the USA and UK forces in Afghanistan. This cutting edge warplane can see in pitch darkness and from many miles away. Most of the engagments take the Taliban by complete suprise and due to this they have developed the 'Alach al hamimm' or 'run like ****' evasion method. 
As can clearly be seen in this video the procedure is to at first move off slowly and build up speed whilst constantly looking over your shoulder and screaming like a girl. This advanced manuver can be performed by all members of a Taliban patrol, or at least all those left after the initial strike.
US Army General Max ****enburger stated that the running machine 'was in no way a substitute for one of my Apaches chasing you at 20 feet whilst trying to push 20mm shells up your ***'. 
The CIA have commented on the release saying 'Pakistan only has 3 running machines, 2 of which are having servicability issues after being fitted with Iranian made parts.'
The Pakistan government say they know nothing.

----------


## Rick

And in other news.....

The Taliban has been successful in training monkeys to fight Americans. Said Taliban commander Achbin Mohammed, "They are easy to train. Much smarter than most Taliban fighters and they have that da@#$ prehensile tail to throw grenades with." 

http://news.discovery.com/animals/ta...errorists.html

----------


## crashdive123

So that's what screaming like a little school girl sounds like.

----------


## BENESSE

AARP eye chart:

----------


## crashdive123

I need to update my prescription.

----------


## Pal334

B,,, you are a mean woman  :Smile:

----------


## Rick

I bought a new Ford truck yesterday and after playing with all the gizmos, knobs and switches I had to take it back to the dealership because I couldn't figure out how to work the radio. 

The  salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 

   'Nelson,'  the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or  Willie?'  

   'Willie!'  he continued and 'On  The Road Again' came from the speakers. 

Then  he said, 'Ray  Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia  On My Mind' replaced Willie  Nelson.  

   I  drove away happy, and for the next few hours, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'   I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,  'Beatles,'  I'd get one of their awesome songs. 

Last night,  some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time  to avoid him.  

I  yelled, 'Azz Hole!'

   Immediately  the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, The President of The  United States.  

I'm gonna love this truck!

----------


## Sarge47

A farmer carrying a sheep walks into his kitchen where his wife is preparing supper.  He says:  "This pig is who I have sex with when you're not around."
His wife responded:  "That's not a pig, that's a sheep."
The farmer looked at her & said:  "I wasn't talking to you!"

How do you get an Irishman out of a bar?
Could happen.

----------


## Justin Case

LOL,,  Thats baaaaaad .

----------


## Rick

New dog breeds: 

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting. 
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot. 
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. 
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhaso Apso = Peekassso, an abstract dog. 
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.

----------


## Rick

"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10 year old son. 

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested. 

The kid miles and said..."Dennis Hopper."

----------


## Ken

> New dog breeds


Even more new breeds:   :Innocent: 

Puli + Pug = Pulipug, a dog that always gives up.

Scottish Terrier + Scottish Deerhound = Double Scotch, a preferred beverage of many Forum members

Sealyham Terrier + Wheaten Terrier = Ham'nWheat.  Simply add mustard.

Polish Lowland Sheepdog + Sealyham Terrier = Polish Ham.  'Nuff said.

Plott + Russian Toy = Russian Plot, a dog known for it's espionage skills.

Boston Terrier + Kai Ken = Boston Ken.  That would be me.   :Smile: 

Bolognese + Italian Greyhound = Italian Bolognese.  A perfect meal.

Bulldog + Shih Tzu = Bullshiht, a dog named in honor of wareagles posts  :Smash:

----------


## Justin Case

> Bulldog + Shih Tzu = Bullshiht, a dog named in honor of wareagles posts


Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

 :burst:

----------


## rudyumans

An Indian Chief was sitting with his son under a palmtree enjoying the afternoon. Out of the blue, his son asked, dad, why is my sisters name Falling Branch? Well son, the Chief said. When your mother and I were having fun a branch fell on the tipi and when your sister was born, we called her Falling Branch. Why is my brother called Running Deer? The Chief said, same thing, when your mother and I were having fun, a deer ran by the tipi. But why do ask these questions Tearing Rubber?

----------


## rudyumans

The other day I had two black eyes and this person asked me how I got those, I said, well, on the hot day we had recently, I was standing in line in the grocery store and this rather big lady was in front of me. I noticed that her dress got stuck between her bottom. I thought that must be unconfortable, so I pulled it out.
And the other black eye?
Well, after that I figured she must not like that, so I pushed it back in.

----------


## Justin Case

LOL,,,,  good one !

----------


## Rick

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10,  are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and  their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are   probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had  been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with  her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The  mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the  preacher in the afternoon. The  preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,  sat the  younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is,  son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting  there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the  question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt  to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the  boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted  from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door  behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What  happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in  BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"*
*

----------


## crashdive123

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:



'Good trade.....'

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that....... Never mind.

----------


## oly

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.  Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. 

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.  I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.  I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.  Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote,  I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.  Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the world I've sent it to.  And keep in mind that I was doing something else before I sent this and can't remember what it was!


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

----------


## Rick

'OLD' IS  WHEN...  
Your sweetie  says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do  both!'

'OLD' IS  WHEN.... 
Your  friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're  barefoot.

'OLD' IS  WHEN... 
Going  bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS  WHEN.... 
You  don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go  along.

'OLD' IS  WHEN...  
You are  cautioned to slow down by the doctor  instead of by the police  .

'OLD' IS  WHEN..  
'Getting a  little action' means you don't need to take a laxative  today.

'OLD' IS  WHEN.... 
'Getting  lucky' means you find your car in the parking  lot..

'OLD' IS  WHEN...  
An 'all  nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS  WHEN....  
You're not  sure if these are facts or jokes. _
_

----------


## Sarge47

Butts arrested in Boob murder case...check it out!

http://wearecentralpa.com/wtaj-news-...65&shr=addthis

 :Innocent:

----------


## Pal334

Children Are Quick 
___________________________________ 

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America  . 
MARIA:         Here it  is. 
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ? 
CLASS:        Maria. 
____________________________________   

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong 
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   

(I  Love this child) 
____________________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
__________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE:       Me! 
__________________________________________   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_______________________________________ 

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  ' 
MILLIE:          I  is.. 
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.' 
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________ 

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   
                    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand....     
______________________________________   

TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.   
______________________________ 

TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your   brother's.. Did you  copy his? 
CLYDE  :         No, sir. It's the same dog.    



(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
___________________________________ 

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD:     A teacher 


LAUGHTER  IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE

----------


## mountain mama

That reminds me of my friend's daughter who informed the school nurse that she has "80HD"

----------


## NCO

*Finnish drinking game*

There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.

Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....

Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....

*Finnish weather explained*

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan. 

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

*At the airport...*

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. 

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous! And I think she's a flight attendant...but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Hmm, no, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again; "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!"

This time the woman looked at him, irritated, and screamed "What the $%#! do you want?!"

The man slumped back in his chair, and said: "Ahh, Finnair..."

----------


## sthrnstrong

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake..
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small Gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Courthouse."

"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out
of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap
out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but an a$$hole and a briefcase.

----------


## Sarge47

Two drunks are sitting on a dock in the Florida Bayou region, drunk as a couple of skunks.  All of a sudden they here a crunching sound & one of them starts & says:  "Hey man, an alligator just bit off my leg!"

The 2nd one asks:  "Which one?"

The 1st one responds:  "I don't know man, all alligators look alike to me!"

__________________________________________________  _______

Two drunks are sitting on a park bench in front of the Lion's cage when a big male lion let's out a roar.  One says to the other:  "I hope I haven't seen this movie before."

__________________________________________________  _______

A drunk walks out of a liquor store carrying a pint bottle of Mad Dog 20-20.  He slips the bottle into his back pants pocket & begins to cross the street, only to be knocked down by a car.  Getting up he feels a warm liquid running down his leg.  "Dang!"  He cries, "I sure hope that's blood!"

__________________________________________________  _______

Former Illinois Governor Ron Blayogivich get's convicted in his 2nd trial & goes to prison.  He's sitting in the prison yard, feeling pretty depressed, when another con joins him.

"Hey Ron," the 2nd con says, "cheer up, it's not that bad in here.  On Monday nights we have "book" night.  All the cons read the same book, then discuss the plot line, characters, dialouge, the sub-text, that sort of thing; do you like to read, Ron?"

Ron says:  "NO!"

"Oh."  The 2nd con says, "Well on Tuesday night we have "Arts & Crafts night."  All the cons show off all of the stuff they've been working on; do you like arts & crafts Ron?"

The former Governor says:  "NO!"

"Oh."  The 2nd con says.  He's quiet for a moment, then asks:  "Ron, are you gay?"

Ron blows up at this question.  "NO I"M NOT GAY!" he yells.

"Oh, the 2nd fellow says,  "Then you're really gonna hate Wednesdays!"   :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:

----------


## tsitenha

Ok NCO, I can't wait anymore,

who did go outside?

----------


## crashdive123

> Ok NCO, I can't wait anymore,
> 
> who did go outside?


The Swedish - with their Mora Knives.  With one of those awesome tools they can survive anything. :dodge:  :dodge:  :dodge:

----------


## Pal334

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , 
"Pick up your shovels, mount your a***s and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, 
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your a***s, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."  

Today, ***** has stolen your shovel, taxed your a***s, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!  

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.  

I had to press 1 for English.  
I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan .  
I told them I was suicidal.  
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

----------


## tsitenha

> I told them I was suicidal. 
> They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....



Now thats funny :FRlol:  :FRlol:  :FRlol:

----------


## Pal334

A really bad day



		There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when

		a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,

		grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



		"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears.



		"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd
CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."



		"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a
complete failure.

		I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

		When I went to the parking lot, I found my car

		had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

		I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

		I found my wife in bed with the gardener, 

		and then my dog bit me."



		"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an
end to it all,

		I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here
watching the poison dissolve. 



		Then you, show up and drink the whole thing!

		But enough about me, how's your day  going?"

----------


## Pal334

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style 

house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 

'Yep,' the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in 

rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... 

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible   
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**.

----------


## Pal334

*Those of you who have not retired yet can see why we love it!!*
Question:  How many days in a week? 
Answer:    6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday   

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?  
Answer:    Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:   How many retirees to change a light bulb?   
Answer:     Only one, but it might take all day.  

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?  
Answer:     There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?   
Answer:    The term comes with a 10% percent discount..   

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?   
Answer:    Tied shoes.  

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer:     They are the only ones who have the time. 

Question:  What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire? 
Answer:     NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?  
Answer:       They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.  

Question:   What do retirees call a long lunch?  
Answer:       Normal   

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?  
Answer:    The never ending Coffee Break.  

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?   
Answer :    If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? 
Answer:    He is too polite to tell the whole truth.  

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer:    Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest. 

* Happiness is a voyage, not a destination,
There is no better time to be happy than... NOW*
Summary of Life 
*GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:* 
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.. 
 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 
 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. 



*GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:* 
 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts 
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground... 
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.. 

*GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD* 

 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional... 
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions... 
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

----------


## Old GI

"2) Wrinkles don't hurt.", but a whole lot of what caused them did.   :chair:

----------


## Rick

I don't have wrinkles. I try to eat enough to keep them filled out.

----------


## kyratshooter

What's the difference between a terrorist and a red headed woman having a bad day?


You can negotiate with a terrorist. :m107:

----------


## BLEUXDOG

That's what they were trying to do. Negotiate. :Blush:

----------


## Rick

F.a.r.t Iq Test

First Question:

You  Are A Participant In A Race. You Overtake The Second Person. What Position  Are You In? 



Answer:   If You Answered That You Are First,
Then You Are Absolutely Wrong! If You  Overtake The Second Person And You Take His Place, You Are In Second  Place!

Try To Do Better Next Time.
Now Answer The Second  Question,
But Dont  Take As Much Time As
You  Took For The First Question, Ok?
Second  Question:
If You Overtake The Last Person, Then You  Are....?



Answer:  If You Answered That You Are Second To Last, Then You  Are.....  Wrong  Again. Tell Me Sunshine, How Can You Overtake The Last  Person??
Youre Not Very Good At This, Are You?
Third  Question:
Very  Tricky Arithmetic! Note:
This Must Be Done In Your Head  Only.
Do  Not Use Paper And Pencil Or A Calculator.
Try  It.



Take 1000 And  Add 40 To It. Now Add Another 1000 Now  Add 30.
Add Another 1000. Now Add 20 ... Now Add Another 1000.
Now  Add 10. What Is The Total? 


Scroll Down For The Correct  Answer....



Did  You Get 5000?

The  Correct Answer Is Actually 4100...if You Don't Believe  It, Check It With A Calculator!
Today  Is Definitely Not Your Day, Is It?maybe  Youll Get The Last Question Right....  Maybe...fourth Question:
Mary  's Father Has Five Daughters:



nana,2.  Nene,3.  Nini,4. Nono,  And???what Is  The Name Of The Fifth Daughter?


Did  You Answer Nunu? No! Of  Course It Isn't.
Her Name Ismary! Read  The Question Again!
Okay,  Now The Bonus Round, 
I.e., A Final Chance To
Redeem  Yourself:
A Mute  Person Goes Into A Shop And Wants To Buy A Toothbrush.
By Imitating The  Action Of Brushing His Teeth He
Successfully Expresses Himself To The  Shopkeeper And The Purchase Is Done. 
Next, A Blind Man Comes Into The Shop  Who Wants To Buy A
Pair Of Sunglasses; How Does He Indicate What He  Wants?



It's  Really Very Simple 
He Opens His Mouth And Asks For  It
Does  Your Employer Actually Pay You To Think??
If So Do Not Let Them See Your  Answers For This Test!

----------


## Pal334

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to any of you who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Three golfers,Jesus,Moses and an old man,get to the 18th tee.It's all tied.All three have the same score.Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock.He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.Moses' second shot also goes into the water and sinks.He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.The old man also hits his second shot into the water,but it lands on a water lily.A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball.Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him,with the ball,right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.Moses turns to Jesus and says,''You know,I really hate playing with your Dad.''

----------


## Justin Case

*Hillbilly Spelling test*



    M R ducks
    M R not
    O S A R
    C M wangs?
    L I B! M R ducks

    M R snakes
    M R not
    O S A R
    C M B D eyes?
    L I B! M R snakes

    M R mice
    M R not
    O S A R
    C M E D B D feet?
    L I B! M R mice

    M R farmers
    M R not
    O S A R
    C M M T pockets
    L I B! M R farmers

    M R puppies
    M R not
    O S A R
    C M P N
    L I B! M R puppies


*Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test*

    Them are ducks
    Them are not
    Oh yes they are
    See them wings?
    Well I'll be! Them are ducks

    Them are snakes
    Them are not
    Oh yes they are
    See them beady eyes?
    Well I'll be! Them are snakes

    Them are mice
    Them are not
    Oh yes they are
    See them itty bitty feet?
    Well I'll be! Them are mice

    Them are farmers
    Them are not
    Oh yes they are
    See them empty pockets?
    Well I'll be! Them are farmers

    Them are puppies
    Them are not
    Oh yes they are
    See them peeing?
    Well I'll be! Them are puppies

----------


## kyratshooter

Bad joke JC.  Not translatable to real life.  

Take it from one that lives in the heart of Redneckia and grew up speaking Southern, I had to think about the translation before I could understand that dialect.

That is what people from Kalifornia "think" Rednecks talk like.  the actual usage is more like this;

"U kaint unerstan hlf wht ary one of em damyankees outwes sez." 

It sounds even better if you say it with a mouth full of marshmellows!  That give you the Broomhower effect. 

Yes, I have a Phd and have to fight daily not to talk like that.  I have lost jobs due to the accent.

You need to get on Amazon and find a copy of How To Speak Southern.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Speak-Sout.../dp/0553275194

Now keep in mind that this is actually the English dialect that was spoken my the early settlers.  The real historic english.  What passes for American English is a warped form of the language modified to fit the Irish, Italian, German and Polish speaker capabilities as they immigrated, mostly to the northern states.  They could not say part of the true English words and warped the language to fit what their limited vocal capabilities allowed them to say.  Then the midwest got a shot of the Scandinavian limitations  and someone decided, about when national radio networks developed, that the midwestern accent should be the standard.

Now everyone thinks the talking heads are speaking properly and accept it as fact.

You should come to one of our family reunions, we'll show you haow to talk southern.  Everyone needs to know how.  There are aspects and advantages of the southern dialect that only them chosen and blessed to be southern know about.

 :knight:

----------


## Rick

> The real historic english.


Maybe we should not let the British know about this. You know how persnickety they can get.

----------


## kyratshooter

Saw this and immidiately thought about AKS and SD on their outhouse runs this winter.

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----------


## Pal334

MY LIVING  WILL

Last  night, my kids and I were  sitting in the living room and I said  to them,
'I  never want to live in a vegetative state,  dependent on some machine and fluids from a  bottle.
If  that ever happens, just pull the plug.' 

They got up,  unplugged the Computer, and threw out my  wine. 

They are SO  on my sh__ list  ...

----------


## Winnie

> Bad joke JC.  Not translatable to real life.  
> 
> Take it from one that lives in the heart of Redneckia and grew up speaking Southern, I had to think about the translation before I could understand that dialect.
> 
> That is what people from Kalifornia "think" Rednecks talk like.  the actual usage is more like this;
> 
> "U kaint unerstan hlf wht ary one of em damyankees outwes sez." 
> 
> It sounds even better if you say it with a mouth full of marshmellows!  That give you the Broomhower effect. 
> ...


That could explain why I understand a Southern accent then! :Blush:

----------


## Rick

Two of life's greatest virtues are patience and wisdom.

----------


## Justin Case

> Two of life's greatest virtues are patience and wisdom.


Good one !  :Smile:

----------


## Pal334

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man relies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, "My wife.”

----------


## Pal334

A man on his  Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have  tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' 

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the  bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can  do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.   Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly  help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men,could understand women; 
I want to know how she  feels inside, 
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, 
why she cries, 
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, 
why she snaps  and complains when I try to help, 
and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

----------


## Winnie

Someone must really like Hospital food :Nod:

----------


## Pal334

> Someone must really like Hospital food


No, I learned to duck and cover very early in life  :Smile:

----------


## Pal334

Grandma Still Drives -- PRICELESS   


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She   writes: 
Dear Grand-daughter, 
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. 
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.. 
I found that lots of people love Jesus! 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 
Everyone started honking! 
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach 
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. 
My grandson burst out laughing. 
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. 
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection. 
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 
Will write again soon, 
Love, Grandma

----------


## Justin Case

Lol,,  Good One !   :Smile:

----------


## Rick

My wife's aunt was around 85 and still driving. She had just gone to the grocery store and was on her way home when she somehow, Lord only knows how, turned the car upside down. Rolled it on a residential street. The cops arrived on scene pronto and helped the paramedics drag her out of the car. She's laying on a back board and the medics are doing triage. 

"Are you okay?" one of them asked her. 
She motioned him closer as she tried to catch her breath. 
"Don't let my meat spoil."

My brother in law had to go down and gather up all her groceries and put them away. She would have been one P.O.'d old lady if the meat would have spoiled. 

Bless her heart. It's a true story, I swear.

----------


## Justin Case

Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted !

----------


## Sarge47

> Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted !


That's nuts.   :clap:   :Innocent:   :Winkiss:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

It turns out that folks around here are pretty dang sure of themselves!!! LOL




> North Carolina Declares War on the USA
> 
> 
>      President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
> 
>      "Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here in  Greenville ,  North Carolina  , I am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declaring war on ya!" 
> 
>     "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!   How big is your army?"   
> 
> ...

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly - 
Statement of the Century: "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

----------


## BENESSE

...'cause a headache is not a task?  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## Rick

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----------


## 2dumb2kwit

I may have posted this one, before...but what the heck.




> 100 mph goat 
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
> 
> The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
> 
> The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
> ...

----------


## Pal334

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.  
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit.  Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"*Not a d**n thing..."*

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## BENESSE

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day           before Christmas Eve and says, "I           hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I           are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

          "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. 

          "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father           says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about           this, so you call your sister in Leeds           and tell her". 

          Frantically, the son calls his           sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting           divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".  

          She calls Scotland           immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting           divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my           brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a           thing,  DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

          The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 
          "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their           own way."

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## hunter63

A white-haired widowed man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.



He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his friend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.. 


On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." 
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

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## Justin Case

> A white-haired widowed man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
> 
> 
> 
> He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his friend. 
> 
> The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
> 
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
> ...


LOL  good one !!  :Big Grin:

----------


## Rick

I just received an early Christmas present. My wife bought me an ATV!!!!!

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## 2dumb2kwit

> I just received an early Christmas present. My wife bought me an ATV!!!!!


 Glad to see that you're wearing your hemmit! LOL

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## 2dumb2kwit

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

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## Rick

Looks like someone is getting a chunk of coal in their stocking this year. 

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## Rick

I got to visit with Santa at the mall yesterday. I've put in my request.

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## canid

that's where she was having trouble before: the caribou and salmon didn't have beacons on them.

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## 2dumb2kwit

Proof that Men Have Better Friends... 

Friendship among Women: 
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning 
she told her husband that she had slept over at a 
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best 
friends. None of them knew anything about it. 

Friendship among Men: 
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he 
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's 
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. 
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

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## Rick

A grand daughter's letter to Santa. 

Dear Santa, 

Please bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer. 

Love, 

Chelsea

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## Justin Case

> A grand daughter's letter to Santa. 
> 
> Dear Santa, 
> 
> Please bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer. 
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Chelsea


ROFL !!   hahahaha

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## BENESSE

* ATD: At The Doctor's

 * BFF: Best Friend Farted

 * BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

 * BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

 * CBM: Covered By Medicare

 * CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

* DWI: Driving While Incontinent

 * FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

* FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

 * FYI: Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

 * GHA: Got Heartburn Again

 * HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

 * IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

 * LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL: Living On Lipitor


 * LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

 * OMMR: On My Massage Recliner


 * OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

 * ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

 * SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

 * TTYL: Talk To You Louder

 * WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

 * WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

 * WTP: Where's The Prunes?

 * WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

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## Justin Case

Ha hahahaha,,  going to spread this

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## Sarge47

*PCMD:  Please change my Depends.

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## Rick

Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

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## Pal334

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.  There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man..  Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am.  Just serious by nature.." 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.  Relax  and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.  No wonder you're so serious.  You really need to chill out and relax!  I mean no sex since 1955!  Come with me."  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Gotta love military time

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## 2dumb2kwit

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. 



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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## BENESSE

> I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. *His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. 
> 
> He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in*  .


...before she sets the house on fire with him in it, for warmth.  :Sneaky2:

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## crashdive123

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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## BENESSE

What is it about blonds?

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## crashdive123

> What is it about blonds?


Don't know.  Remember that beauty contestant's answer that was heard around the world?

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## BENESSE

Hard to forget.

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## 2dumb2kwit

Oh, and don't forget.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM

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## 2dumb2kwit

Is this one a blonde???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtjW7...eature=related

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## BENESSE

That was funny!

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## Pal334

*Simple but Brilliant and full of Truths! Enjoy!* 
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage the U.S. ever has known.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . . Neither works. 

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. 

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 

*ABOUT GROWING OLDER...* 
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. 

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. 

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. 

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. 
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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## Rick

Oh, man. This is too funny.....No comments please, I don't want this to go political but it is funny. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6sNl...layer_embedded

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## Pal334

Should have warned me, now I have to clean my coffee off the screen  :Smile:

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Oh, man. This is too funny.....No comments please, I don't want this to go political but it is funny. 
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6sNl...layer_embedded


 AAAAaaaahahahah.....I'll be back, in a minute. I've got to go share this! LOL


...Ohhhh Justin........

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## hoosierarcher

Two men walk into a bar. 
The third man ducks.

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## hoosierarcher

A clown walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this some kind of Joke?"

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## Sarge47

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other:  Does this taste funny to you?   :Confused1:

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## Ken

> Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?


Don't give up your day job.

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## BENESSE

*If you ever feel a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.*

*Q:* If you could live forever, would you and why?
 *A:* "I would not  live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were  supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live  forever, which is  why I would not live forever."
 --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest


 "Whenever I watch TV  and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but  cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those  flies and death and stuff."
 --Mariah Carey
 
 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
 -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
 
 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
 --Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward.
 
 "Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
 --Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  ,  DC  

 "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
 --A congressional candidate in  Texas 
 
 "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
 --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
 
 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
 --Al Gore, Vice President
 
 "I love  California. I practically grew up in  Phoenix."
 -- Dan Quayle
 
 "We've got to pause and ask ourselves:  How much clean air do we need?"
 --Lee Iacocca
 
 "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
 
 "We don't necessarily discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people."
 -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
 
 "Your food stamps will  be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you  passed away. May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in  your circumstances."
 --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
 
 "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
 --Keppel Enderbery
 
 "If somebody has a bad  heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it  will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning,  when they wake up dead,  there'll be a record."
 --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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## hoosierarcher

A cannibal keeps being approached by missionaries. He eat one after another. He eats a catholic, a Methodist, an Episcopalian, a Mormon, a Baptist and a Nazarene, then even a Pentecostal and a Muslim and lastly a Buddhist and Hindu. Greatly engorged and bloated from his huge feast he heads to his "facilities" and has an Ecumenical Movement.

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## Winnie

Redneck Computer terms

Backup; 	What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code; 	Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bit; 	        A wager, as in, "I bit you cain't spit that chaw acrosst the porch longways."
Bug; 	        The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte; 	        Whut them flys do; First word in a kiss-off phrase;
                What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
Cache; 	Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip; 	        Munchies fer the TV; Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Crash; 	When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Cursor; 	What some guys do when they're mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Digital; 	The art of counting on your fingers
Digital Control; 	What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
Diskette; 	Female Disco dancer
Dot Matrix; 	Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Download; 	Getting the farwood out of the pickup
Edit; 	        Whut ya did with dessert
Enter;	Northern talk fer "y'all c'mon in"
Fax; 	        What you lie about to the IRS
Floppy; 	When you run out of Polygrip.
Floppy Disk; 	Whatcha git from trying to carry too much farwood
Hacker; 	Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hard Drive; 	Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires while pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Hardcopy; 	Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet; 	Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard; 	That thing with hooks to hang your truck keys.
LAN; 	        To borrow, as in, "Hey, Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
Laptop; 	Whar the kitty sleeps
Log Off; 	Don't add no more wood
Log on ;	Making a wood stove hotter
Mac; 	        Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Main Frame; 	What holds up the barn ruf
Megahertz; 	When yer not careful getting the farwood or any time I get offended, someone will;
How your head feels after 17 beers
Micro Chip; 	Whut's left in the munchie bag
Modem;	What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Montior; 	Keeping an eye on the woodstove
Mouse; 	Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
Mouse Pad; 	Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network; 	Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line; Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online; 	Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
Packet; 	What you do to a suitcase or Wal-mart bag afore a trip.
Port; 	        Fancy flatlander wine
Prompt; 	Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
RAM; 	        That thing whut splits the farwood
Random Access Memory; 	When ya cain't member whut ya paid fer yer rifle when yor wife asks
Reboot ;	What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
ROM; 	        Delicious when you mix it with coca cola; Where the pope lives
Screen; 	Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SCSI;   	What you call your week-old underwear
Serial Port; 	A red wine you drink with breakfast
Software; 	Them plastic forks and knives
Superconductor; 	Amtrak's Employee of the year
Terminal;	Time to call the undertaker
Window; 	Place in your truck to hang your guns
Windows; 	Whut to shut when it's cold outside

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## Old GI

> Two men walk into a bar. 
> The third man ducks.


That reminds me.  I had an uncle who was a magician ------ he would walk down the street and turn into a bar.

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## Sarge47

> Don't give up your day job.


 What are you talking about?  This IS my day job!   :Lol:   :Lol:   :Lol:   :Lol:   :Lol:

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## Rick

Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the  weight of an ten-point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?"

"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."

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## Rick

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer  hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big  bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer.  But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of  your deer, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the  year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all  aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the  pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the  attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not  make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know  where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is  about the same place where we crashed last year!"

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## Rick

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----------


## 2dumb2kwit

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident near Marsh Island, Louisiana, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Wildlife and Fisheries agents. "We knowit's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the agents."Tell me! Did you find her?"The agents looked at each other. 
Finally, one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the husband said "Give me the bad news first." 
The second agent said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." 
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" 
The agent continued, "When we pulled her up, she had six twenty-five pound blue point crabs and four dozen good-size crawfish clinging to her." 
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The agent answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

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## Sarge47

know why cannibals won't eat divorced women?  Because they taste bitter.   :2: 

(credit for the "cannibal" jokes go to Bragg Survivor as he originally posted them on this forum elsewhere.)

----------


## Sarge47

Idiot Sightings

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....




IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's
open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side . '
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did
not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but
we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS






IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City






IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.





IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving
the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments .


IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please
remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE

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## kyratshooter

A guy gets pulled over by a state trooper and when the officer approaches the car the driver informs him he has a CCW and there are weapons in the car.

"What do you have on you?" the officer asks.

".45 on my belt and a .357 in an ankle holster." the driver answers.

"That all?" the officer asks.

"Well, there's also a Glock in the glove box, shotgun in the trunk and an AR behind the seat."

"What are you afraid of buddy?" the officer asks.

"Not a single thing officer, not a single thing!"

----------


## crashdive123

Modern electronics that even I can understand.

----------


## Rick

I had a terrible problem with my TV last week but the cable guy fixed it pretty quickly. It turns out the right wing cable was plugged into the left wing jack. Things were really messed up there for a while.

----------


## crashdive123

What did the 0 say to the 8?



Nice belt.

----------


## crashdive123

Muslim Culture Meets German Engineering

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q51hVC0Lgwg

----------


## oly

I dont know why I can see Rick doing this.

My Trip To Sam's Club 
Yesterday I  was at my local Sam's Club 
Buying a large bag of Purina dog  chowFor my loyal pet, Rover and was in the Checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What  did she think I had, an elephant? So sinceI'm retired and have   little to do, on impulse I told her that no, IDidn't have a dog, I  was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that IProbably shouldn't,  because I ended up in the hospital last time, but thatI'd lost 50 pounds  before I awakened in an intensive care ward withTubes coming out  of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it  was essentially a perfect diet and that the way thatIt works is to  load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simplyEat one or two  every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallyComplete so it  works well and I was going to try it again. (I have toMention here that  practically everyone in line was now enthralled withMy story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care becauseThe  dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniffAn  Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.I thought the guy behind  her was going to have a heartAttack he was laughing so  hard.Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore..Better watch  what you ask retired people. They have all the time in theWorld to think  of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to allYour retired  friends......it will be their Laugh for the  day.

----------


## Camp10

The  coach had put together the perfect team for the
Detroit Lions. The  only thing that was missing was a
good quarterback. He had scouted all  the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he 
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.

Then  one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene
in Afghanistan ..  In one corner of the background, he
spotted a young Afghan Muslim  soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight  into a
15th story window 100 yards away.



                KABOOM!


He  threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.

                KA-BLOOEY!

Then he  threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

                BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!"  coach said to himself. "He
has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings  him to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And  the Lions go on to win the Super
Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young
man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom,"  he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't  want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
"You are not my  son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man 
pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his  mother retorts. "At this very
moment, there are gunshots all around  us. The
neighborhood is a pile of  rubble. Your two brothers were 
beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get
raped!" The old lady  pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!"

----------


## Rick

Oh, man. That's funny......

----------


## Pal334

WINTER BLONDE 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. 

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."  

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. 
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. 
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. 

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.  

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. 

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde..  


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... 

"Hi, my name is Mark.  It's winter in NJ and I'm driving the 
SALT TRUCK!"

----------


## Pal334

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning


~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not."

H. L.. Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group  -Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher


~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first..  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

----------


## crashdive123

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. 

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! 

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. 

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

----------


## r0ckhamm3r

How about this

The president has decided to do away with the U.S. Marshall's service, but he needs another agency to take over hunting fugitives.  The government decides to run a simple test to determine who will take over this duty.  They narrow it down to the FBI, the CIA and the LAPD.  The test will consist of releasing a rabbit into the wilderness, the agency that is able to recapture the rabbit fastest, will be the winner.  

The FBI goes first.  After a two year long investigation that cost the government over 250 million dollars, the FBI concludes that the rabbit never actually existed.

Next up is the CIA.  They burn down half of the forest, interrogate all the forest creatures and conclude that the rabbit fled to the tribal areas of Pakistan.

The LAPD is last.  They run into the forest.  Fifteen minutes later, they lead a bear out of the woods.  The bear is bruised, bleeding and beaten.  The bear is screaming at the top of his lungs "all right, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

----------


## Rick

The Italian Secret to  a Long Marriage.

At St. Ambrose  Catholic Church on the Hill, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.  At  the session last week, the good Padre Vincenzo Bommarito asked Giuseppe, who  said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and  share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all  these years.

Giuseppe replied to  the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money  on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italia for the 25th  anniversary!'

Father Vince  responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands on the  Hill!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th  anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly  replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

----------


## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## nell67

TRY THIS
1. Go to Google Maps and click get directions. 
2. Write U.S.A. as your start point. 
3. Write Japan as your destination. ...
4. Go to the 31st point on your route. 
...

Seriously?

----------


## Pal334

Nell, it is Google and on the Internet, how can it not be serious  :Smile:  I wonder how many arguements that has caused ?

----------


## Rick

Okay, I'm going to "pass" on the Japan trip. Item 31 is just out of my league.

----------


## oly

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic watering system to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and sense the smell of fresh rain. 

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of 
bacon and eggs frying. 

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. 

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

----------


## Pal334

Two businessmen in Sun City West Arizona were sitting
down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?

"One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."


Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be
doing well...Only two left.

"Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE=============

----------


## Winnie

A new Movie opens soon..

War of the WorldsII, They're back!

And this time they've got Tylenol......

----------


## Winnie

My favourite comedians, at their super very best!

Fork handles, handles for forks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Swedish made simple.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkWMc...eature=related

----------


## OhioGrizzLapp

Achmed the dead terrorist by Jeff Dunham

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

----------


## Rick

An old  married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and  says, ’Seven  Points.' 

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'  

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.' 

A few minutes later his  wife lets one go and says,  ‘Touchdown,  tie score...' 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go  and says, 'Aha. I'm  ahead 14 to 7.' 

Not to  be outdone the wife rips  out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'  

Five seconds go  by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to  14.' 

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a  woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he  gives it everything he's got, and  accidentally craps in the bed. 

The  wife says, 'What the heck was  that?' 

The old man says, 'Half time,  switch sides."

----------


## Pal334

A good education story.... 
 A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. 
.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

----------


## NCO

Why you should leave a space between the stowe and the washing machine?
-Thats where the wife goes...

(told this earlier to my girlfriend, I barely stayed alive)

----------


## Rick

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta. They see a sign on a store which reads,

"Suits - $5.00 each, shirts - $2.00 each, trousers - $2.50 each".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,

"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts,

"Ya'll are from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaner."

----------


## crashdive123

The Afghani Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is
hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he
wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"

----------


## nell67

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.  Mark Twain-

----------


## hoosierarcher

A women wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband is not in bed. She waits a few minutes for his return. When he doesn't she goes looking for him. She hears a noise down stairs and investigating it finds her husband sitting in his chair in the living room sobering bitterly. "What's wrong?"; she asks.
"When we had been married 10 years I gave some serious thought about killing you. Fear of prison stopped me."
"It's taken 20 years for the guilt to swell in you to the point you weep so bitterly?"
"No I awoke suddenly and realized that with good behavior I'd have gotten out today."

----------


## crashdive123

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult for them to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting to see messages from relatives and friends sending their condolences. After reading the first email message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. 

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

----------


## crashdive123

A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
the school.

The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Navy Chief,
 were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was,
before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

----------


## Sarge47

> A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
> new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
> injured his back.
> 
> He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
> Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
> first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
> the school.
> 
> ...


This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page!   :Whistling:   :Clown:   :Creepy:

----------


## Winnie

It's old timers, Sarge. Either that or all that "down bubble" has addled his brain......

----------


## crashdive123

> This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page!


Yeah, but that was a Marine.  Who was gonna believe that?

----------


## Pal334

> Yeah, but that was a Marine.  Who was gonna believe that?



Not to worry, I thought your joke was hilarious  :Smile:

----------


## Rick

Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........

----------


## Pal334

> Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........


Well!!!!!  Are you going to keep us in suspense? 

 This is an advantage of being "mature" the stories are new every time you hear it  :Smile:

----------


## Rick

A fellah is 72  years young and loves to fish. He was sitting  in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me  up.'

He looked  around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he  was dreaming when he heard the voice again say,'Pick me  up.' 

He looked in  the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said,  'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said,  'Yes, I'm talking to you.'  Pick me up  then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever  seen. I'll make sure  that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your  bride!'

The man looked  at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed  it in his front pocket.

The frog said,  'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be  your beautiful bride.'

He opened his  pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age  I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes  wisdom.

----------


## Sourdough

A precious little Louisiana girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner,  

"Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"  

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,  

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"  

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,  

Leans forward and says;  



"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

----------


## Justin Case

LOL,,,  Good one ~

----------


## Pal334

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on
> business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
> 
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
> 
> The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
> apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
> 
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
> $5,000 loan.
> 
> Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
> 
> Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to
> have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
> 
> The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
> 
> Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!
> 
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..
> 
> FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
> 
> FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
> 
> FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
> 
> FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
> 
> FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
> 
> FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's back-ends that left you.
> 
> FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will walk right in and say "I'm home!"
> 
> FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital.
> 
> FRIENDS: Are for a while.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
> 
> FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those who wish they were ITALIAN...*

----------


## nell67

So the US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment.....Repost this if you agree.

----------


## Justin Case

CONFUCIUS  DID  NOT  SAY:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Rape impossible; woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers
down.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

----------


## OhioGrizzLapp

Blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog... he sits down at the bar and orders a drink and some water for his dog. He then picks the dog up by the tail and swings him 360 degrees 3 times over his head and then sets the dog down.....the bartender was yelling, why did you do that to that dog..... 

The blind guy says 

"I was just looking around....."

----------


## Pal334

Norwegian Fire Dept.

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fo***ng truck!"

----------


## Justin Case

hahahahah,,  good one !

----------


## Pal334

*F-16 vs. C-130* 
 (Very quickly for those without a military background, the *F-16* , is a very fast Fighter plane, one or two man crew,. The *C-130* is a very slow cargo plane multiple member crew.)


A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
To the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
Cinnamon roll.'


*The moral of the story is....* 
When you are young and foolish - 
Speed and flash may seem a good thing! 
When you get older and smarter - 
Comfort and dull is not such a bad thing

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## Justin Case

Lol   lol  love it !   :Smile:

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## Sarge47

*Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told
police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson
of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under
his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an
employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.* *Outside on the sidewalk
were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program.
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the
Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear
to be severe.* *After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene
Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also
transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken
ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs,
multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken
jaw... Injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb
after stabbing the Marine.*


Now that was a well written Police report.   :Yes:   :Thumbs Up:   :Laugh:

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## Justin Case

Hotel Stays

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.  
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." 
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate',  soshe insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."



'But I didn't use them," she said.


''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers fromEdinburgh, Glasgow ,and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.


"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

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## Pal334

*WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE*
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

*BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN*

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## Pal334

7 DEGREES OF BLOND INTELLIGENCE 
 FIRST DEGREE 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the  morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and  said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?" 

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if  the coast is clear." 

SECOND DEGREE 
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact  on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the  mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" 

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's  me!" 

THIRD DEGREE 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes  out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she  opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde  is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she  does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to  her head. 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, jerk, you're next!" 

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She  proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all." 

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of  Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy .. it's W." 

FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was  pregnant? 
A: "Is it mine?" 

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in  her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe  vs. Wade was about. 

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the  decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ." 


SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house  ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and  reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the  radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,  the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and  his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she  moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the  police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

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## woodsman86

Good Mothers let their children lick the batter off the mixer, great Mothers turn it off first.

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## crashdive123

> Good Mothers let their children lick the batter off the mixer, great Mothers turn it off first.


Rednecks say "Hey y'all.....watch this".

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## nell67

> Rednecks say "Hey y'all...*hold my beer and*..watch this".


You forgot something there crash

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## Rick

One  morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hiking.  After about an hour, they came across some rabbit tracks. In  between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the  son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The  father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid  grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny  face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s**t."
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

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## Rick

After living in the remote wilderness of  Kentucky all his life, an old gentleman decided it was time to visit the  big city. In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it.  Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture  of my daddy." 

 He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he  remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in  the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go  there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips  to the barn. 

 One day after her husband left, she searched the  barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So  that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with."

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## crashdive123

> You forgot something there crash


Good point.

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## Rick

Oh, no. THIS is a good point. (I've always wanted some red binoculars)

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## Rick

Useful Bits of Information to Make Your Wilderness Experience More Enjoyable. 


When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. 

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. 

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A  hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your  toes. 

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. 

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss  Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions  as a tiny canoe paddle. 

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to  stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch,  however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness  experience. 

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. 

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. 

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. 

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should  never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan  veterinarians. 

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. 

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a  flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not  go into the woods alone. 

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. 

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side  dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent  hockey puck. 

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by  shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of  your underwear. 

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. 

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The  sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. 

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. 

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. 

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate

Toilet paper is a wilderness necessity. It's perfectly okay to let your hiking partner borrow some if they have forgotten theirs. Giving them a hand, however, is verbotten. 

Placing your hands under your armpits or in your crotch is a good way to warm them up. Doing so to a stranger is a good way to get arrested.

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## Justin Case

LOL,,,,,   The underwear thing sounds feasible,,,    I wonder how good of a slingshot you could make with your thong ?

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## Rick

Blasphemer!

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## Sarge47

Q.)  Know where you can find a dog with no legs?

A.)  Where ever you last left it!


Did you hear about the guy who was both a Veterinarian & a taxidermist?  He has a sign that reads "Either way you get your cat back!"   :Pinch: 

Then there was this fella who stopped at a big yard sale at a farm waaaay out in the country.  Looking around he noticed a cat on the ground, sitting off to one side drinking milk out of what was, undoubtedly, a very expensive antique bowl.  It seemed obvious to him that the owner didn't realize the value of the bowl.  Being a crafty sort of a person he knew he had to play it cool.

"Excuse me, sir," he called to the farmer, "but I'll give you 20 bucks for that cat!"

The farmer seemed puzzled, but agreed.  The man paid the farmer then picked up the kitty and also picked up the bowl at the same time.

"I'll just take this bowl along so the cat will have something to drink out of."  He said.  

"Oh no," the farmer replied, I can't let you have that, that's my 'lucky bowl.'  That stays with me."

The puzzled young man asked:  "What do you mean?  How is it lucky?"

"Well," replied the farmer, "ever since I started using it I've sold 12 cats!"   :Shifty:

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## Rick

Q.)  Know what you call a dog with no legs?

A.) It doesn't matter 'cause he won't come anyway.

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## Pal334

*Things Difficult to Say When Drunk*

THINGS THAT ARE *DIFFICULT* TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 
1. Innovative 
2. Preliminary 
3. Proliferation 
4. Cinnamon 

THINGS THAT ARE *VERY DIFFICULT* TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 
1. Specificity 
2. Anti-constitutionalistically 
3. Passive-aggressive disorder 
4. Transubstantiate 

THINGS THAT ARE *DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE* TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 
1. No thanks, I'm married. 
2. Nope, no more booze for me! 
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry. 
5. I'm not interested in fighting you. 
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

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## Rick

The last several years of my work career I rarely drank and so I became the designated driver. Being the only one sober in a group at a strip club at 1:00 a.m. is an experience in and of itself. But man I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I just wish they had camera phones back then. I'd have made a fortune off my co-workers. 

Real Situations only a sober guy would appreciate. 

Co-worker staggering back from ATM with receipt: "Did I get any money?"
Me: "Yes. And it's still in the ATM. Want me to get it?" (I was standing guard on him)
Co-worker: "Nah, let it ride. Maybe I'll double it." and he staggered off. $200 pulled from the ATM.

Co-worker watching dancer but not paying any money.
Dancer: "What's the matter honey, don't you like a good time?"
Co-Worker: "Sure. But I'm waiting for the good looking girls."
Me: "Check!"

Co-worker staggering back from the bathroom: "Did you know they have a hole in the wall in the bathroom? I peed right out the hole."
Me: "That was the kitchen and you were peeing out the backdoor."
Co-worker: "I thought that bathroom smelled like chicken wings." 

Co-Worker staggering back to table while announcement is being made on PA.
"If we catch the SOB that has been tearing dollar bills in half and rolling them up you're going to have to deal with the bouncers."
Co-worker snickering and handing me half a dollar bill.
Me: "Check!"

----------


## Pal334

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas, leading
an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town,
to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail.


As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance
...
Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's
feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been
fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the
desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun
never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you
ever kissed a mule's ***?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But... I've always
wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

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## Pal334

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.
I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as 



PINO MORE

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## Rick

I don't drink wine but I'll take a truck load of that stuff.

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## 2dumb2kwit

> A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.
> I kid you not...
> 
> California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
> It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
> 
> The new wine will be marketed as 
> 
> 
> ...


 Hmmmm. I wonder if the opposite would work.
You know....would those who drink their own pee, w(h)ine no more?

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## finallyME

Rick, your camping one reminded me of this sign.

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## Justin Case

> Rick, your camping one reminded me of this sign.
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


hahahahahahhah,,,  LOVE THIS !!!!

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## hoosierarcher

Two men walk into a bar, the third man ducked just in time.

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## Pal334

God and lawn  Care  God  said:  "Francis,  you know all about gardens 
and nature. What  in the world is going on down there on the planet? 
What happened to the  dandelions, violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I 
started eons ago?  I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those 
plants grow in any  type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with 
abandon. The nectar  from the long-lasting blossoms attracts 
butterflies, honey bees and  flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a 
vast garden of colors by now.  But, all I see are these green 
rectangles."

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The  Suburbanites. They 
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to  great lengths to kill 
them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract 
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod  worms. It's sensitive 
to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want  all that grass 
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to  grow it and keep it 
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass  and poisoning any 
other plant that crops up in the  lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make  grass grow really 
fast. That must make the Suburbanites  happy.

ST.  FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut 
it-sometimes twice a  week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like  hay?

ST..  FRANCIS:
Not  exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in  bags.

GOD:
They  bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell  it?

ST.  FRANCIS:
No,  Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it  away.

GOD:
Now,  let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. 
And,  when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it  away?

ST.  FRANCIS:
Yes,  Sir.

GOD:
These  Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on 
the rain  and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves 
them a lot  of work.

ST..  FRANCIS:
You  aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing 
so  fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they 
can  continue to mow it and pay to get rid of  it.

GOD:
What  nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer 
stroke  of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the 
spring to  provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they 
fall to the  ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the 
soil and  protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of  life.

ST..  FRANCIS:
You  better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. 
As soon  as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to 
have them  hauled away.

GOD:
No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter 
to  keep the soil moist and loose?

ST.  FRANCIS:
After  throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which 
they call  mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of 
the  leaves.

GOD:
And  where do they get this mulch?

ST.  FRANCIS:
They  cut down trees and grind them up to make the  mulch.

GOD:
Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, 
you're in  charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us  
tonight?

ST..  CATHERINE:
'Dumb  and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:  Never  mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.  
Francis.

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## Pal334

WOMEN 

  A real woman is a man's best friend.
  She will never stand him up and never let him down.
  She will reassure him when he feels insecure and 
comfort him after a bad day.
  She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; 
to live without fear and forget regret.
    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and 
give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room 
and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible... 

  No wait...SORRY. 

  I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that s**t. 

  Never mind.......

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## Winnie

In Hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UbqZ...eature=related

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## BENESSE

Rowan Atkinson is THE BEST!!!
 (btw. I own all episodes of Mr. Bean)

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## Pal334

The Woman Marine Pilot


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their 
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next 
day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff:  Spilled milk and pennies 
saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only 
Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.  She was a Marine 
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over 
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and 
a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and 
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. 
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, 
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she 
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  What did your Daddy tell 
you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

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## Sarge47

Here ya go gang!

A Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!



THE BEST BLONDE JOK E OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty.....)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

 :Lol:   :Lol:   :Lol:   :Lol:

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## Rick

A  husband and wife are shopping in their local  Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their  cart. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 

"They're on sale,  only $10 for 24 cans' he replies. 

"Put them back, we can't afford them,'  demands the wife, and so they continue shopping. 

A few aisles further the  woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 

"What do  you think you're doing?" asks the husband. 

It's my face cream. It makes me  look beautiful,' replies the wife. 

Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of  Budweiser and it's half the price.' 

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

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## 2dumb2kwit

What A Woman! 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, 
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....

----------


## Sarge47

3 men show up at the gates of heaven only to be told by St. Peter that he only has room for one so whoever has the most interesting story gets to enter. 

The 1st man starts:  "Well, I was suspicious that my wife was cheating on me so I went home to our apartment in the middle of the day & burst into her bedroom.  There she was, laying naked on top of the bed, but I didn't see anybody else, so I started taking a real good look around.  That's when I noticed that her bedroom window was open and I saw these man-size fingers holding onto the ledge, so I smashed them with a hammer.  He let go & dropped 8 stories.  I looked out the window and saw him falling but he landed on an awning, rolled off, and made it safely to the ground.  Angry, I quickly got my refridgerator over to the window & threw it out!  It landed on top of him & killed him.  I was arrested, tried, found guilty and was sentenced to death so here I am."

"Wow," St. Peter said, "that was intense."  He turned to the 2nd man and asks:  "So how did you die?"

"Well,"  The 2nd man replied, "I was working on my terrace on my 9th floor apartment when the wind caught me just right & I fell!  Luckily I caught onto this widow ledge of the apartment below.  Then some creep starts beating on my fingers with a hammer so I had no choice but to let go.  I fell 8 floors but I landed on an awning, rolled off of it, and hit the ground, safely.  Then, out of nowhere a fridge lands on me, killing me!"

"Hmmm," St.Peter murmers, then turns to the 3rd guy and asks him how he bought it.

"I was making love to this beautiful married woman when I hear her husband coming home early.  So I look for a quick hiding place and dive into this refridgerator...!

----------


## Pal334

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"

----------


## finallyME

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?

----------


## finallyME

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
afraid to cough, solving the problem.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use
the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

----------


## the survivalist

funny joke! it was a good laugh!

----------


## Sarge47

> funny joke! it was a good laugh!


 Hey survialist, I saw from both your profile page & your IP address that your soon to be an Eagle Scout & hail from Montgomery Alabama.  My best on your Scouting endeavors!  Why not go to the introduction section and tell us more about your self?   :Shifty:

----------


## Sarge47

Dear Abbey,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the
minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.Also he has been so arrogant and
abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of
expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten
religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with
people who say the Pope is the anti-Christ, and the next he's with
Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone
can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in Washington, DC
---------------------------------------------------

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world,
and have others pay for everything for you. The rest of us are stuck
with the Idiot for two more years!   :Devil2:

----------


## Rick

In The Confessional.....

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.  

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 

'Yes,  Father, it is.' 

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't  tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm  sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.  Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa  Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm  sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips  are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I  cannot tell you.' 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very  tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.  You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave  yourself.' 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides  over and whispers, 'What'd you  get?'

'Four months  vacation and five good leads.'

----------


## kyratshooter

Wife asks husband to go to the store.

"We need a carton of milk and if they have eggs get 6."

30 minute latter the husband returns with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife asks,"Why did you get 6 cartons of milk?"

Husband answers, "Because they had eggs."

----------


## crashdive123

Looks like sound logic to me.

----------


## Pal334

Good CYA guy, thats the way to go  :Smile:

----------


## Winnie

Left brain at it's best!

----------


## Rick

I don't get it. 6 cartons of milk sounds right to me. What am I missing?

----------


## Sarge47

> I don't get it. 6 cartons of milk sounds right to me. What am I missing?


 And what if she'd said:  "...and if they have eggs, get a dozen?"  Sheesh!  There's no pleasin' some women!   :Confused1:   :Innocent:   :Sneaky2:

----------


## kyratshooter

A Good Wife;

A good wife will love you no matter what happens
A good wife will always be there when you need her
A good wife will make you feel like a King
She will make you feel ten feet tall
A good wife will be behind you no matter what adversity comes your way

Nope, sorry, my mistake, 

its whisky that does all that!

----------


## Jay

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE .. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

----------


## kyratshooter

Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender is shocked.

"Good Lord Pete you lost a leg, a hand and an eye!  What happened?" the bartender asks.

"We got into a battle with the French and I lost the leg. Then we got into a battle with the Dutch and I lost the Hand.  then a bird pooped in my eye and it was gone."

"Bird poop will not put out your eye Pete!" The bartender answered.

"Nope, but it was my first day with the hook!"

----------


## Rick

Muhahaahahahahahaahahahahahaha. Now that was funny.

----------


## crashdive123

Rick - it's arrrrrrrgh that was a good one matey.  Sheesh!

----------


## Rick

Yeah, yeah, that too.

----------


## tsitenha

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."  "Are ya mad?" says Mick, 

"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!?!"

----------


## tsitenha

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning. 
Can you believe that, 2:30 AM!?  
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

----------


## Rick

Thanks. I got a chuckle out of that last one.

----------


## hunter63

The dime store romance novel updated for 2011…

He grasped me firmly but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down. I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. 

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders and slid them down my tingling spine.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say…

"Okay ma'am, you’re cleared. You can board your flight now."

----------


## hunter63

Wife's Diary: 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.   We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly,  and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.



Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

----------


## Rick

That, sir, is the truth. And the other side of the coin,

Husband: "Honey, what's wrong?"
Wife: "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"
Husband: "Okay."

----------


## hunter63

> That, sir, is the truth. And the other side of the coin,
> 
> Husband: "Honey, what's wrong?"
> Wife: "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"
> Husband: "Okay."


LOL, so I just spit coffee....be proud!, LOL

----------


## canid

I think i figured it out. sex determining chromatids are about pockets and handbags.

 upon  conception, your standard human is issued  a complete x  chromosome, one  shaped like a y and a piece which looks to be left  over, three pockets  and a bolt of fabric.

 those  humans who realize they do not want to be caught without  something they  might need throughout the course of the day, regardless  of it's unknown  utility and function err on the side of caution, read the instructions,  fashion themselves a  handbag and take it with them.

 those  who can't be bothered to read instructions, or refused to take an interest in fabric  arts  leave the piece behind in that drawer with all those 'extra' ikea  parts  and post-rationalize that only weapons, tools and athletic equipment should be  carries  around in a special bag.

----------


## kyratshooter

At dawn the telephone rings;

Hello Sinor Rob, this is Ernisto the caretaker at your country house.

Yes Ernisto, what is the problem?

I called to tell you your parrot is dead.

My prize parrot!  I paid a fortune for that bird, what killed him?

He died from eating rotten meat sir.

Where did he get rotten meat?

From the dead horse sir, the race horse.

My thoroughbred racehorse, how did he die?

From exhaustion sir, he had to pull much water in the water cart for the putting out of the fire.

What fire!!

The fire that happened when the candle fell over and burned the curtains sir.

There is electricity at the house ernisto, why were candles burning?

They were for the funeral sir.  The one we had when your wife died.

My wife is dead?  What happened?  

She showed up late in the night and I accidentally shot her with your new Kreighoff trap gun. 

Silence









Long, Long silence







Ernisto, there better not be a scratch on that gun or you are in big trouble!

----------


## hunter63

Yeah, priorities....LOL

----------


## Rick

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. 
Client: Well, give me the bad news first. 
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene 
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? 
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

----------


## Sarge47

Know how to keep a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off of his head!    :FRlol:   :Laugh:   :Stuart:

----------


## BENESSE

This is funny but it's not a joke. I'd say it's right on the money:


**********OH MY!*******************

After I came to I removed the link. PG-13 please.....I still feel feint.

----------


## Rick

I finally went and got a dang cell phone I know how to work!

cell phone.jpg

----------


## crashdive123

The latest drink craze...

The Bin Laden Martini.  Two shots and a splash.

----------


## BENESSE

> This is funny but it's not a joke. I'd say it's right on the money:
> 
> 
> **********OH MY!*******************
> 
> After I came to I removed the link. PG-13 please.....I still feel feint.


Just what I was gonna say but you beat me to it.
Now how about those hong pics of Rick?

----------


## Sparky93

I heard a good one today...

One can not apply an engineers approach to dating, women are not fond of large sample sizes....

----------


## Sarge47

>>>Public restroom experience. What is this world coming to.

    OMG!....I was in in the public toilet - I was barely sitting down
when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
    Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
    Stall: "So what are you up to?"
    Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
    Stall: "Can I come over?"
    Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
    Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in
the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

----------


## Rick

Once upon a time we were on a rather huge conference call with a number of VPs on board. At one point in the call you could distinctly hear the soud of "water" running then a toilet flush. It got very quiet on the call. One of the VPs finally said, "The proposal may not be a good one but it isn't that bad." Everyone had a muffled chuckle and we finished the call. I don't recall anyone trying that ever again.

----------


## finallyME

> I heard a good one today...
> 
> One can not apply an engineers approach to dating, women are not fond of large sample sizes....


As an engineer, I will just say how true that is.  :Smile:

----------


## Cousin-IT

there once was a man from kuntuket, he had a bucket, and then an angry yetti killed him cos no-one likes people from kuntucket

.....it's stupid but i know you laughed -.-

----------


## crashdive123

Well - you got it half right.  No, I didn't laugh. :Innocent:

----------


## Cousin-IT

fine your inner child smiled then >.>

----------


## crashdive123

No - not really.

----------


## hunter63

Be REAL Careful what you wish for...



     A  man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown  ostrich behind him. 

   The  waitress asks them for their orders. 

    The  man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and  turns to 
    the  ostrich, "What's yours?" 

    "I'll  have the same," says the ostrich. 

    A  short time later the waitress returns with the  order. "That will 
    be  $9.40 please."  The man reaches into his  pocket and 
    pulls  out the exact change for payment. 

    The  next day, the man and the ostrich come again and  the man 
    says,  "A hamburger, fries and a coke." 

    The  ostrich says, "I'll have the same." 

    Again  the man reaches into his pocket and pays with  exact change. 

    This  becomes routine until the two enter again. "The  usual?" 
    asks  the waitress. 

    "No,  this is Friday night, so I will have a steak,  baked potato and 
    a  salad," says the man. 

   "Same,"  says the ostrich. 

    Shortly  the waitress brings the order and says, "That  will be $32.62." 

  Once  again the man pulls the exact change out of his  pocket and 
   places  it on the table. 

    The  waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any  longer. "Excuse me, 
    sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the  exact change 
    in  your pocket every time?" 

    "Well,"  says  the man, "several years ago I was  cleaning the attic and 
    found  an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared  and offered 
    me  two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had  to pay for anything, 
    I  would just put my hand in my pocket and the  right amount of money 
    would  always be there." 

    "That's   brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people  would ask for a 
    million  dollars or something, but you'll always be as  rich as you want 
    for  as long as you live!" 

    "That's  right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls  Royce, the exact 
    money  is always there," says the man. 

    The  waitress asks, "What's with the  ostrich?" 

    The  man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish  was for a tall chick 
    with  a big *** and long legs who agrees with  everything I say.."

----------


## wtrfwlr

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks"?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' ...............
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, she never told a lie.'
'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.
Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

----------


## Rick

Grandpa and grandson were sitting on the porch steps one brisk autumn afternoon. They were watching the geese fly south. 

Grandpa: "Son, do you know why geese fly south in the winter?"
Grandson: "'Cause it's easier than walking?"
Grandpa: "Well, let's go with that. It's better than my answer anyway."

----------


## Cousin-IT

there were 2 men sitting on a bar, it snapped off cause it wasn't attached properly and the both died in a horible car crash that resulted from them plumeting 23 stories above the ground

----------


## Sparky93

> there were 2 men sitting on a bar, it snapped off cause it wasn't attached properly and the both died in a horible car crash that resulted from them plumeting 23 stories above the ground


??????????????

----------


## Cousin-IT

bar.... i-beam........ your supposed to be amused by my creativity not what i actually said

----------


## Rick

Epic Fail.

----------


## crashdive123

Usually when a joke has to be explained - it loses its humor.  In this case however, there was none to begin with.

----------


## Archr

> Epic Fail.


Learned that from the troop, no doubt. Keeps us young.

----------


## hossthehermit

> there were 2 men sitting on a bar, it snapped off cause it wasn't attached properly and the both died in a horible car crash that resulted from them plumeting 23 stories above the ground


That's hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## Rick

> Learned that from the troop, no doubt. Keeps us young.


Actually, I have a hobby of coming up with phrases that are destined to become part of the lexicon. You'd be surprised how many of today's top performers and avant garde high society types call me wanting the "word of the week". Then again, maybe you wouldn't.

----------


## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Jay

> Actually, I have a hobby of coming up with phrases that are destined to become part of the lexicon. You'd be surprised how many of today's top performers and avant garde high society types call me wanting the "word of the week". Then again, maybe you wouldn't.


Lexcon????? is that like um...related to the Unicon?

----------


## Rick

Same thing but without the horn. They have a flute instead.

----------


## crashdive123

> Lexcon????? is that like um...related to the Unicon?





> Same thing but without the horn. They have a flute instead.


Oh - so you mean the little fella at the end of the rainbow.

----------


## Rick

No, the guy on the Lucky Charms box.

----------


## erunkiswldrnssurvival

this is funny, A Rapper named "AKON"  :Tooth:

----------


## Rick

Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.

It will be named The  Politician.

It doesn't  work; and, you can't fire it!

----------


## Jay

Any of you guys like pepper sauce??****to-pepper-sauce[1].jpg

----------


## crashdive123

Not any more.  I hear it tastes like crap.

----------


## Rick

That is just so wrong. Soooooo wrong. 

"I never did like you! I hope you eat ****to and die!"
"Dude, you really look bad. You look like warmed over ****to."
"Look how many cases are on the truck. There's just no end to this ****to."
"How did you spill all of it? You know ****to runs down hill."
"This is my sons science project. This is ****to Creek. This is a canoe but he didn't have a paddle."
"I told you not to eat in bed. You've spilled it and ****to'd the bed!"


Really wrong the forum won't even accept it.

----------


## Rick

As I was lying in bed pondering the  problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's back side.  It's the tortoise life for me!

1.  If walking/cycling is good for your  health, the postman would be immortal.

2.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.  A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise??  I don't  think so. I'm retired.  Go around me!

----------


## Jay

Mary had a little lamb.....her father shot it dead.  now it goes to school with her...between two slices of bread.

----------


## Rick

You are a sick puppy. Funny. But sick.

----------


## hunter63

Now that's funny......Jay.

----------


## woodsman86

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that m*******a doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the c*****e and e*****y we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

----------


## woodsman86

You are on a horse, galloping away at top speed. On your right is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind... a lion is chasing you.
...
What must you do to safely get out of this HIGHLY DANGEROUS situation?
...
GET YOUR DRUNK A** OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND and ACT YOUR AGE

----------


## Jay

> You are a sick puppy. Funny. But sick.


And thus was greatness ever rewarded.  (But then again...even the folks at school didn't appreciate my creativeness way back when)..I expected better from you Rick.   I am shattered, scared for life!

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

----------


## BENESSE

*Dear Noah,* 
*We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.* 
*Sincerely,* 
*Unicorns

* *Dear Icebergs,* 
*Sorry to hear about the global warming.* 
*Karma's a b--ch.* 
*Sincerely,* 
*The Titanic 

* *Dear girls who have been dumped,* 
*There are plenty of fish in the sea....* 
*Just kidding!  They're all dead.* 
*Sincerely,* 
*BP 

* *Dear Scissors,* 
*I feel your pain.... no one wants to run with me either.* 
*Sincerely,* 
*Sarah Palin 

* *Dear Ugly People,* 
*You're welcome.* 
*Sincerely,* 
*Alcohol 
**
* *Dear World,* 
*Please stop freaking out about 2012.* 
*Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?* 
*Sincerely,* 
*The Mayans 

* *Dear iPhone,* 
*Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.* 
*You piece of shut.* 
*Sincerely,* 
*Every iPhone User 
*

*
*

*
*

*
*

*
*

*
*

*
*

----------


## Skinner

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
 Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, 
her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
 Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
 "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
 It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
 She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream

----------


## crashdive123

............. truck hadn't come along.

----------


## Rick

That right there is just freaky. Skinner transformed into Crash. Being the Minister of Science I don't take kindly to folks horning in on my gig.

----------


## crashdive123

Ever wonder what Mt. Rushmore looked like from the Canadian side?  Wonder no more.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Jay

....or so I've heard.  This just might be proof!necess.jpg

----------


## Rick

Here's what I think...

We've become a country of free stuff paid for by folks not receiving any of the free stuff who are complaining about those getting the free stuff and not paying for anything.  

The folks who are getting the free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff,  because the folks who are paying for the free stuff, can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff, and, the folks who are paying for  the free stuff, want the free stuff to stop, and the the folks who are getting the free stuff, want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now...  The people who are forcing the people who Pay for the free stuff, have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being selfish because they want free stuff themselves but no one knows who will pay for that. 

So... the people who are GETTING the free stuff, have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff, by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place. 

We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff. It's gotten so bad that if the free stuff giving keeps getting given then there's apt to be a free for all paid for by everyone. 

That's what I think.

----------


## BENESSE

That's pretty much it. Even a caveman can understand it.

----------


## crashdive123

Yep.  Pretty well sums it up.

----------


## Sarge47

Wow!  "Free" Advice!  Cool!   :Sneaky2:   :Innocent:   :Winkiss:

----------


## Jay

> Here's what I think...
> 
> We've become a country of free stuff paid for by folks not receiving any of the free stuff who are complaining about those getting the free stuff and not paying for anything.  
> 
> The folks who are getting the free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff,  because the folks who are paying for the free stuff, can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff, and, the folks who are paying for  the free stuff, want the free stuff to stop, and the the folks who are getting the free stuff, want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!
> 
> Now...  The people who are forcing the people who Pay for the free stuff, have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being selfish because they want free stuff themselves but no one knows who will pay for that. 
> 
> So... the people who are GETTING the free stuff, have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff, by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place. 
> ...


....And now I've got a headache!

----------


## Rick

Shoot, you should try it with my brain.

----------


## Jay

> Shoot, you should try it with my brain.


  Thanks a bunch...but I think I'll pass!

----------


## Rick

A Kentucky marine writes home from boot camp. 

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well.  Hope you are. Tell  Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by  a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are  filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6  a.m But  I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before  breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to  pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings  like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops,  potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt  and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no  wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which  the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's  not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our  mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in  trucks.

The sergeant is like a school  teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.   Majors and  colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing..  I keep getting medals for shooting.   I don't know why.  The  bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't  shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there  all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges They come  in boxes.

Then we have what they call  hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have  to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with  that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that  Tug Jordan from  over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.  He  joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8'  and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to  hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding  in.

Your loving  daughter,

Alice

----------


## hunter63

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shut now!" 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" 

Moral of this story... 

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! 

Bull Shut and brilliance only come with age and experience.

----------


## Sparky93

That was a good one Hunter.

In the 70's we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs, now we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope.... I sure hope we don't lose Kevin Bacon....

----------


## hunter63

Oh, noooooooo....No bacon????

----------


## Rick

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a   commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to   "Happy Hour."

  ________________________________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel   at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

  _____________________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new   position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this   afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed   the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
________________________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it   again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
  ________________________________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

______________________________

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

________________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

----------


## woodsman86

I received this in an email from my wife today. Mykah is my almost 4yo rambunctious son and Pierce is the family cat:

"Last week I went into the laundry room to take the clothes out and fold them. I noticed that the clothes were all on the floor and Mykah doesn't go in there because for some reason he is scared, lol. Well today we were cuddling on the couch and he said mommy you need to make sure to keep all the clothes out of the washer and dryer because they get in the way when I'm trying to wash pierce, lol. I just about died, that poor cat."

----------


## canid

awe. that poor cat indeed.

----------


## Rick

Truly heartbreaking story! 

This is awful  :Smile: 


... Indianapolis - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Marion  County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. 

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. 

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. 

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

----------


## Winnie

Dogs and Cats are better than Children because they eat less, don't ask for money....
.... and if they get pregnant you can sell their offspring!

----------


## crashdive123

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!
I guess it was because of my response to the question:
"List all dependents?"


I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico ; and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

----------


## Rick

Did  you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice  in Antarctica - where do they go? 

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is  a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which  lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The  penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for  life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a  penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the  ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male  penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

"Then they  kick him in the ice hole."

----------


## rebel

What? No delete option?  Here's your option.  ( ten words ).

----------


## Rick

You served in the cryptology department in the military didn't you?

----------


## hunter63

Cowboy walks in to a drug store and ask the clerk."Gimme a 3 pack of condoms"
Clerk says, "You want a paper bag for that?"
Coyboy says, "Naw, she ain't that ugly".

----------


## BLEUXDOG

*The Wine Taster*At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, _"It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a northern slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive" calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."_

----------


## Sparky93

Lol.........

----------


## Rick

What a One Dog Night Looks Like....

http://www.lifewithdogs.tv/2011/07/w...when-its-cold/

----------


## Rick

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.  She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the  counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark  shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this  rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll  drop it on the Counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it  makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter  anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a  Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and  it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that  you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll  take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 

"Oh,  that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and  accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then  realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who cut  the cheese . Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person  around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50  please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell  me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" 

He  replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call  is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left  without saying a word.

----------


## Rick

I swear to you if this old boy had done it in the water he'd be half way upstream to Hoboken. It did bring a tear to my eye though and I had to salute him. He's goooooood. Sound on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi-_h8Ilfjs

----------


## BENESSE

The bar has been raised. Are you up to the challenge, Rick?

----------


## crashdive123

So that's what it looks like when it hits the fan.

----------


## Rick

B - Even I know when I'm outclassed, which, sadly, is most of the time, but I digress. That hippo should be the F.A.R.T.s mascot. At least he plays our theme song.

----------


## mouse111111

Here ia a soviet era joke I found , paraphrased.

Everyday Svetlana Vladimirovna goes to work at the bed factory, producing beds for everyone in the soviet union. Her town doesnt have any beds for themselves because the rest of the country needs them first. And so everyone at the bed factory returns home every night to sleep on the floor. One day Svetlana's sister comes home for a visit,she was apalled that after 10 years they still didnt have beds. she said "You have not been thinking correctly sister, Each day you must steal one piece from the factory and reassemble it after a few weeks." Svetlana listened and replied"It is you who are not thinking correctly, We have tried many times, but each time we assembled them we discovered that we had an automatic kalashnikov instead of a bed."

----------


## Pal334

Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...
and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"
Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

----------


## Winnie

A Psychoanalysts Christmas

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks
and... Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

----------


## Pal334

May be a repost, but still funny

*Bear Remover........*

A man in rural Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his 
roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad 
for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old 
pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go 
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When 
the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his 
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me 
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

----------


## Pal334

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
    "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
    Kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
    "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
    Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
    "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
    Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
    (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
    "You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
    And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a
    Circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
    "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
    Clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
    "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of
    What time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
    "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
    "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
    He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
    "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
    "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
    Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
    Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye ."

----------


## Wildthang

A really dirty joke:

Rick fell in a mud hole!!!!!!

----------


## kyratshooter

I just got an e-mail from a friend in Minot, North Dakota.  Gale force winds all day, wind chill below zero, snow is up to the windows and more is blowing sideways.

He is getting worried about his wife.

He says she has been standing at the kitchen window staring through the glass for hours.

He says if it gets any worse he may have to let her inside.

----------


## crashdive123

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran 
with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes 
videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed 
up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their 
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me 
in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as 
Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, 
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, 
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and 
every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything 
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation I am not ready 
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get 
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I 
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] 
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was 
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in 
the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid 
out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady 
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into 
in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, 
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was 
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh 
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a 
right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the 
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as 
Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the 
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still 
haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to 
run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the 
dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up 
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle 
on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time 
I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth 
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take 
them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I 
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their 
turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. 
I answered, No, but I do toot a lot." 

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you 
to forward it to those who are. 

Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the 
garage door remote are about all we can handle.

----------


## Rick

Hey! I quit when I couldn't stop the clock on the VCR from flashing. It does provide a baseline to check my pulse. At least that's what I told the dog.

----------


## Sparky93

Something my Grandpa emailed me:

A toothpaste factory had a problem: wherein they sometimes shipped empty boxes, with no tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every unit coming out is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get mad and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project. They hired an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on the extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, and high quality. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, and someone would walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button to re-start the line.

Some time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and gaining market share. “That’s money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

He was amazed to see that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so something must be wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was absolutely correct - the scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to them on the conveyor belt were at proper weight.

Puzzled, the CEO walked down to the factory, and up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.

“Oh that,” says one of the workers — 'Charlie put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over to restart the line every time the bell rang”.





 We spent a million developing a ballpoint pen that would work in zero gravity.  The Russian’s used a pencil.

----------


## Sparky93

Something else my Grandpa emailed me:

                                                                    Some words to the wise.
                                                         Shooting Advice from various Concealed
                                                                        Carry Instructors.
                                                         If you own a gun, you will appreciate this.
                                                   If not, you should get one and learn how to use it:


A: Guns have only two enemies rust and politicians.

B: Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C: Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D: Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length.

E: Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F: The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G: The most important rule in a gunfight is:
    Always win - cheat if necessary.

H: Make your attacker advance through a wall of   bullets . . . You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it'll be empty.

I: If you're in a gun fight:
        1. If you're not shooting, you should be loading.
        2. If you're not loading, you should be moving,
        3. If you're not moving', you're dead.

J: In a life and death situation, do something . . . It may be wrong, but do something!

K: If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L: You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.

M: You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

----------


## nell67

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's exist...ing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. Ain't America Great?

----------


## Rick

Four older guys were walking down a Florida street late one afternoon when they spied a sign they hadn't seen before. 

Old Timer's Bar - All Drinks Ten Cents

The four looked at each other and decided to investigate. They walked inside and sat down at a table. The bartender walked over and asked, What'll it be, gents?"

"Is it true the drinks are 10 cents?"

"It is. Any drink you want." 

The four guys ordered martinis, shaken not stirred. The bartender brought them over and sat them on the table. 

"That'll be 40 cents, fellahs." 

"What's the story on the bar and prices," one of the men asked.

"I won 125 million in the lottery. I've always wanted to open a bar and I don't care if I make any money or not. I just enjoy it," the bartender explained. "Everything is 10 cents, beer, whiskey, everything." 

What a stroke of luck, they thought. The martinis were excellent and only 10 cents a piece. It wasn't long before they ordered another round. They were equally as good and they had yet to spend a buck. 

Sitting at the end of the bar were seven old guys and not a one of them had a drink. They hadn't ordered a thing. They just sat at the bar talking. When the bartender returned to the table with a third round one of the guys asked, 

"What the story on the guys at the end of the bar?"

The bartender glanced at the bar then back at the table. With a lowered voice he said,

"Those guys are Wisconsin snow birds. They're waiting for happy hour for the half priced drinks."

----------


## crashdive123

*What a difference 50 years makes.*

1962: Long hair 
2012: Longing for hair 

1962: KEG 
2012: EKG 

1962: Acid rock 
2012: Acid reflux 

1962: Moving to California because it's cool 
2012: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 

1962: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
2012: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 

1962: Seeds and stems
2012: Roughage 

1962: Hoping for a BMW
2012: Hoping for a BM 

1962: Going to a new, hip joint
2012: Receiving a new hip joint 

1962: Rolling Stones 
2012: Kidney Stones 

1962: Screw the system
2012: Upgrade the system 


1962: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2012: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1962: Passing the drivers' test.
2012: Passing the vision test. 

1962: Whatever 
2012: Depends 

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, the following will certainly change things. 

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. 

Here's this year's list: 

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994. 

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 

Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born. 

They have always had an answering machine. 

They have always had cable. 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. 

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: Where's the Beef?, I'd walk a mile for a Camel, or de plane, Boss, de plane.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old geezers on your list. 

Notice the larger type. That's for those of you who have trouble reading. 

So have a nice day!!!!! It is so good to have family and friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking.

----------


## crashdive123

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

----------


## Rick

An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam. The  doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?" 

The  man replied, "I am 78."

The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look  like a 60 year old." 

The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact  when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the  kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. 

The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

----------


## Sparky93

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this) 

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. 

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed
up-- 3 of them.. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.. 

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. 

That deer EXPLODED.. 

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined..

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.. 

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the
thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. ..kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in
there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. 

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. 

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.. 

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a
rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!! 

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

----------


## hunter63

Been there...done that....he's right....Not a joke.

----------


## letslearntogether47

Not sure if this one's been posted yet:

HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

----------


## Sparky93

> Been there...done that....he's right....Not a joke.


I remember you saying something about a hole in your garage lol, this reminded me of that

----------


## Northern Horseman

Just so you know, the writer mentions how a horse won't shake you like a dog.  My wife the horse trainer of the family, knew a girl that had this happen to her by her own well trained stallion. Somehow she ticked the horse off so it grabbed her by the waist and shook her and threw her ten feet into a wall. I've seen a documentary where a wild stallion approached a new born foal, sniffed it, then graped it and shook it like a rag doll, killing it instantly. As far as we  know we've never heard of a mare doing this. Don't misunderstand me, mares have been known to bite their trainers or attack new born foals even their own if its a mare suffering postmortem blues. However, instead of grabbing and shacking its victim like a rag doll, they tend to hammer with their teeth.

----------


## Northern Horseman

I got this from a friend and scanned it into my computer

tech for folk.jpgtech for folk2.jpgtech for folk2.jpg

----------


## Wildthang

Want to hear a dirty joke?




















Rick in a hong :no way:

----------


## Winnie

Rick's Hong, be he wearing it or otherwise is no joke.

----------


## letslearntogether47

Heaven and Hell
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the  elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now  it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't  understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

----------


## Winnie

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

College Essay: Just remember, on tests, B.S. does pay off.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN

----------


## crashdive123

TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers - we now have an open seat on flight 2907 to London".

----------


## Sparky93

> TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
> 
> Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
> 
> You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers - we now have an open seat on flight 2907 to London".


That's great!

----------


## Rick

Clean up in isle 3!

----------


## wholsomback

Now thats a great idea,and on the deer ,they really do have an evil side,I've seen it .

----------


## Winter

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declaring war on y'all!" 
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
 "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!" 
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." 
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
 Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" 
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked. 
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor." 
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
 "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
 Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
 "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?" 
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."


Never question the fortitude of country folk.  :Shuriken:

----------


## Sparky93

> President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!" 
> "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
>  "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!" 
> Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." 
> "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
>  Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" 
> "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked. 
> "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor." 
> President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
> ...


Good one winter, got to send it to Gramps. He'll get a kick out of this one!

----------


## Rick

So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you? 

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.

----------


## crashdive123

> So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you? 
> 
> http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/
> 
> I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.


Now that right there was funny.  I don't care who you are.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you? 
> 
> http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/
> 
> I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.


 LOL....I gotta steal this one!

----------


## hunter63

I don't get it??????





(hehehehe)

----------


## Pal334

COPPER WIRE DISCOVERED
Having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Waynesville, NC reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Crabtree, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

Just makes a person proud to be from North Carolina.

----------


## Rick

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the  ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus  and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just  insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go  ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

----------


## Pal334

Best Blonde Joke
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. 
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing..
So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

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## Wildthang

A blonde called the fire department, and was yelling get over here now, my kitchen is on fire, I mean now! The dispatcher said mam we will be on our way in less than 2 minutes, but we need to know where to go and how to get there.
Then she said, " Duh, the big red truck "

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## Rick

Wisdom I've gained the hard way.....

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. The police are pretty good at explaining the difference.

Never trust a guy on the street that asks, "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

        With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

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## hunter63

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Chevy, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 
What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically  everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *** and a car hit me. 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard. 
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.    
MORAL OF THE STORY: Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

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## Pal334

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by sitting or standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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## Rick

I hired a kid to do this for me and I'm telling you he is now in great shape.

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## Rick

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Hope you had a great Easter!

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## Rick

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## natertot

Ben and Colin are two elderly gentlemen who live in New York State who love going fishing together. They decide to do some 'ice fishing'. Since neither have experienced it before, Ben suggests that going north into Canada might be a good idea and Colin agrees so off they go. On arrival they find the lake is frozen nicely. 

They stop just before they get to the lake at a little local bait shop and buy all their tackle. Colin comments, 'Hey, Ben, we're going to need an ice pick.' 

So they purchase that and stride to the lake. After about two hours, Colin returns to the bait shop saying, 'We're going to need another dozen ice picks.' 

The shopkeeper is surprised and wants to ask some questions, but he doesn't. He sells the fisherman the picks, and the old boy leaves. 

About an hour later hour, Ben arrives at the shop, 'We're going to need all the ice picks you've got.'  The bait man can't stand it any longer. 'Say man,' he asks, 'how are you two fellows doing?'

'Not very well at all,' mutters an irritated Ben, 'We haven't even got the boat in the water yet.'

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## crashdive123

Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil Armstrong...

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.


Yes, I know it is not a true story - still pretty funny.

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## hunter63

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE or HAVE HAD PETS, THIS IS A TRUE  STORY.  FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE OR HAVE NEVER HAD PETS, IT IS STILL A TRUE  STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:  The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.   Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed.  I am very sorry about this.   Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. 

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!  If, by some miracle, 
I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must exit through the same door I entered.   Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -canine/feline attendance is not required. 

The proper order for kissing is:  Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts.  I cannot stress this enough..... 
One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my mind to give you my food will not work (usually).  I am too old and too tired.  Go stare at the kids.  They are younger and more susceptible to mind control.  If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be individuals. 

Finally,  in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front  door: 

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here.  You don't.   
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  
      That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.  
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.   
(4) To you, they are animals.  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are
        short,  hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less, 
(2) don't ask for money all the time, 
(3) are easier to train, 
(4) normally come when called, 
(5) never ask to drive the car, 
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people; 
(7) don't smoke or drink, 
(8) don't want to wear your clothes, 
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, 
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and 
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

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## Sparky93

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## Sparky93

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## Sparky93

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## Sparky93

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## Sparky93

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## Sparky93

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## Sparky93



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## crashdive123

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## hunter63

That's just spooky.......LOL

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## Darkevs

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. 



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. 

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. 



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. 

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'. 

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. 



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. 



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. 



I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. 



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all.



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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## nell67

This is not funny,BUT,it is true

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.*Wall Photos* 
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turk...eys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
 It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings....

 DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?
 Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

 Both have the same amount of calories.

 Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams; compared to5 grams for margarine.

 Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

 Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
 Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few and only because they are added!
 Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

 Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

 And now, for Margarine..
 Very High in Trans fatty acids.
 Triples risk of coronary heart disease ...
 Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

 Increases the risk of cancers up to five times..

 Lowers quality of breast milk

 Decreases immune response.

 Decreases insulin response.

 And here's the most disturbing fact... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

 Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC... and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT

 These facts alone were enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

 Open a tub of margarine and leave it open in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will notice a couple of things:

 * no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

 * it does not rot or smell differently because it has no value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny micro-organisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

 Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to butter them up')!

 Chinese Proverb:

 When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.

 Pass the BUTTER PLEASE

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## Pal334

Subject: Counseling



After  40+ years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk  and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can  you do this?"



"Well, I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

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## Rick

An old man and woman were sitting in rockers on the porch. The old woman gets up, walks over to the the old man and knocks him out of the rocker. He picks himself and the rocker up, rubs his jaw a bit and sits back down. 

"What was that for?" he asked.
"Forty years of bad sex," she replied.

After a moment the old man gets up, walks over to the old woman and knocks her out of the rocker. She picks herself and the rocker up, rubs her jaw a bit and sits back down. 

"What was that for?" she asked. 
He replied, "Knowin' the difference."

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## Rick

My goofy neighbor let his grass get a little tall and he was out there this afternoon cutting it. In the process he ran into a cat that was hiding in the grass and cut it's tail off. He came running over all out of breath trying to tell me what happened. 

"Slow down," I said. "What happened?"
"I ran over a cat with the lawn mower and cut it's tail off!!!!! What should I do?"
I told him, "Take it to Walmart."
"What? Why on earth would I take it to Walmart?!" 
"Because they are the ........ are you ready?.......wait for it.......largest retailer on the planet." 

(I slay myself. I really do)

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## Pal334

Working on Ricks commitment papers, D**n where is Ken when you need him?  :Smile:

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## crashdive123

He's probably chasing some ambulance.

Sorry ---- I saw that neither 2D or the mule was on line and felt it necessary to take up the slack.

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## Rick

Now I have to move the post.....sad. Really sad.

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## wtrfwlr

> Now I have to move the post.....sad. Really sad.


Post? Are you talking about the whipping post?

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## crashdive123

> Post? Are you talking about the whipping post?


It's a long story.  I'll be brief.  We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other.  Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place.  http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...highlight=2d2k

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## 2dumb2kwit

> It's a long story.  I'll be brief.  We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other.  Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place.  http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...highlight=2d2k


 Kens height is nowhere near my height.

Gnome sayin'? :Whistling:

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## Rick

There goes another one.

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## 2dumb2kwit

It's O.K. I'll be having a little more computer time on my hands, for a while.

I joined the Rick and crash club. (Right shoulder)

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## 2dumb2kwit

> It's a long story.  *I'll be in my briefs*.  We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other.  Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place.  http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...highlight=2d2k


 I guess it's better than being in a hong. (snicker, snicker)

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## crashdive123

> It's O.K. I'll be having a little more computer time on my hands, for a while.
> 
> I joined the Rick and crash club. (Right shoulder)


Ouch.  Have you adjusted to sleeping in the recliner yet?

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Ouch.  Have you adjusted to sleeping in the recliner yet?


Not completely.....but I have learned, that when the drugs wear off, between 1am and 3am, it helps to have a little snack while you're waiting for the next pill to kick in. It helps kill the time to get back to semi-comfortable. LOL

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## crashdive123

Well - hoping your recovery goes well.  When I went through physical therapy all of the therapists were in there 20's and very good looking.  There were a couple of guys too, but the girls did the shoulder therapy.  I think it was because those going through the shoulder regime were more likely to cuss, and - well - it wouldn't be proper in front of a young girl.

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## Rick

I'll be joining the left shoulder club next week....Not looking forward to the recliner. At all. 

Hope you get better there, 2D. Take one pill at 1:00, 2 pills at 2:00, 3 pills at 3:00 with a snack in between each one. Each pill that is. You can never have too much bacon. 

Oh, and get a small bell to sit beside the recliner. Ring it any time you need something from your wife. Anything at all. 

(This should be fun to watch)

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## 2dumb2kwit

Thanks, guys. I'm doing fine. In fact, I've healed enough that if I were to ring that bell, I'd probably have to go see a different doctor. (To have the bell removed.)

 Good luck, Rick. I hope your doc doesn't get in their and find an extra hours worth of work to do, like mine did. LOL

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## Rick

If you'd stop carrying that dang Mule you might not have to go through any more surgeries.

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## nell67

Ya know,I just HAVE to ask....WHy is 2Dumbs announcement that he had surery in the joke of the day thread??? I find nothing funny about it at all.... I guess 2d needs ANOTHER special thread.... Get well soon 2d!

My neck is not healing like it should,the bone is not grafting .....

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## crashdive123

Nell - sorry to hear that.  Are you going to need a second surgery?

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## Rick

Dang girl. Do a post and give us the low down.

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Ya know,I just HAVE to ask....WHy is 2Dumbs announcement that he had surery in the joke of the day thread??? I find nothing funny about it at all.... I guess 2d needs ANOTHER special thread.... Get well soon 2d!
> 
> My neck is not healing like it should,the bone is not grafting .....


 Well...gun info, goes in the gun thread......cooking info goes in the cooking thread.......garden info goes in the garden thread. Where would you put info, about the forums comic relief?

 O.K., O.K., I just kinda got side tracked. LOL

Hope your neck gets right, real soon. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. It'd be a shame, for it to fall off!
(Sending some prayers your way.)

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## 2dumb2kwit

> Ya know,I just HAVE to ask....WHy is 2Dumbs announcement that he had surery in the joke of the day thread???* I find nothing funny about it at all*.... I guess 2d needs ANOTHER special thread.... Get well soon 2d!
> 
> My neck is not healing like it should,the bone is not grafting .....



 That's just because you haven't seen me trying to do things one handed. (Left handed, at that!)
If it were someone else, 
I'd be laughing my butt off.

 Just so this fits in the joke of the day thread...picture this...

...me, all tied up with my right arm in a sling. (one with a big ol' block of foam in it, so I can't rotate my arm inward.)
O.K....now keep in mind, I can't raise my right arm, so I have cut  some of my t-shirts up the right side and under the right arm so I can get them on, just draped over my right shoulder, but with my head and left arm in the shirt correctly.
Now, if you overlap the shirt where it's cut, it kinda covers me up l;ike a normal t-shirt. To keep it overlapped, I need to tuck in the shirt-tail.

 Now think about doing this with one hand. I don't know about you, but I can't reach my whole waistline, with my left hand. (All the while trying to keep the two parts on the right side, overlapping)

 O.K....now thinking about all that, picture me explaining to my other half, that this is the reason that a pair of kitchin tongs are in front of the bathroom mirror.

 How's that for a mental image? LOL

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## 2dumb2kwit

Oh, oh, oh.....and have you ever seen a "big" boy try to figure out how to button a pair of jeans, with one hand?

Not to give away all my secrets, but my second attemp involved a piece of para-cord wrapped around the button and pulled through the button hole. :Blushing:

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## nell67

> That's just because you haven't seen me trying to do things one handed. (Left handed, at that!)
> If it were someone else, 
> I'd be laughing my butt off.
> 
>  Just so this fits in the joke of the day thread...picture this...
> 
> ...me, all tied up with my right arm in a sling. (one with a big ol' block of foam in it, so I can't rotate my arm inward.)
> O.K....now keep in mind, I can't raise my right arm, so I have cut  some of my t-shirts up the right side and under the right arm so I can get them on, just draped over my right shoulder, but with my head and left arm in the shirt correctly.
> Now, if you overlap the shirt where it's cut, it kinda covers me up l;ike a normal t-shirt. To keep it overlapped, I need to tuck in the shirt-tail.
> ...


NOw I get it,joke thread,cuz I KNOW you meant tweezers.... :Smile:

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## nell67

> Oh, oh, oh.....and have you ever seen a "big" boy try to figure out how to button a pair of jeans, with one hand?
> 
> Not to give away all my secrets, but my second attemp involved a piece of para-cord wrapped around the button and pulled through the button hole.


2d,if that para cord trick didn't work,I will have forever thought it should!  ya need one of those old shoe buttoner thingies from back in the day when shoes had buttons,LOL

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## 2dumb2kwit

> NOw I get it,joke thread,cuz I KNOW you meant tweezers....


No! I meant tongs. They were just for the other side of the shirt tail.
As for the other thing, I didn't need tweezers. Lets just say that I found another use for the piece of para-cord. LOL

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## Sarge47

> No! I meant tongs. They were just for the other side of the shirt tail.
> As for the other thing, I didn't need tweezers. Lets just say that I found another use for the piece of para-cord. LOL


Just make sure you get a hold of the para-cord!     :Scared:

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## Rick

Now I have this mental picture of 2D turning in circles in the bathroom trying to tuck his shirt in. Too bad he doesn't have a tail like the mule. He could chase that.

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## crashdive123

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----------


## Rick

'Zactly. You should try pullin' up your drawers with one hand and getting them buckled. That's survival practice right there. If you get the right side to hang off a hip the left side falls. You go to rescue the left side and the right side gives up. And we won't even talk about typing.

----------


## crashdive123

I found it easiest to get em up and then lay back on the bed to keep them from having gravity affect the side you wish you were holding.

Of course - gym shorts and sweat pants were a plus.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> I found it easiest to get em up and then lay back on the bed to keep them from having gravity affect the side you wish you were holding.
> 
> *Of course - gym shorts and sweat pants were a plus*.


 My other half is calling those my "big boy pull-ups". :Yes:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> 'Zactly. You should try pullin' up your drawers with one hand and getting them buckled. That's survival practice right there. If you get the right side to hang off a hip the left side falls. You go to rescue the left side and the right side gives up. *And we won't even talk about typing*.


 I've been hitting keys that I didn't even know that my keyboard had!

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

.....and the trick to opening a bag of 'tater chips, with one hand, is to lay the bag on the counter and cut the top off with a pair of scissors. :Yes:

----------


## BENESSE

> .....and the trick to opening a bag of 'tater chips, with one hand, is to lay the bag on the counter and cut the top off with a pair of scissors.


Just an idea to hep you out:
you can eat an apple with one hand.  :Innocent:

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> Just an idea to hep you out:
> you can eat an apple with one hand.


 Same with a pork chop! I talked my other half into fixin' a mess of breaded pork chops, so I'd have plenty of left-overs in the fridge.

 It was a great idea, but the supply didn't last anywhere near as long as I had hoped.

----------


## Rick

One handed oatmeal didn't work so good. Neither did one handed beer.

----------


## Sparky93

> One handed oatmeal didn't work so good. Neither did one handed beer.


If it's not a twist top and you don't have a mounted bottle opener you could give it a quick jerk on the top of a workbench or a table you don't care if it gets nicked up.... not that I would know....

----------


## Rick

You leave the beer in the bottle? (head slap) That was my mistake. No wonder it was so messy.

----------


## hunter63

It has come to my attention, after many years of research, the most any vehicle has some where to open a beer......

----------


## Rick

I was late at a store the other night . . . last customer.

Cute gal at the register said, "strip down, facing me."

You would have thought it would have dawned on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card.

----------


## Sarge47

> I was late at a store the other night . . . last customer.
> 
> Cute gal at the register said, "strip down, facing me."
> 
> You would have thought it would have dawned on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card.


And what did the police say?     :FRlol:

----------


## crashdive123

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

----------


## Jay

I thought this was a pretty good brand name. What do you guys think? :No: 
j

----------


## hunter63

Hey why not....tell it like it is....LOL, I love it.

----------


## Rick

I don't think the brand name is half as bad as the fact that it is RECYCLED!!!! Yuck! I wonder if the paper is white and brown? That could be confusing.

----------


## BENESSE

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for
dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among
them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute
girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see
her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where
they should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had
free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and
there were a lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once  again discussed
where they should meet for dinner.  It was decided they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near
their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many
whiny  little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the
waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the  group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a
nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they
have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner.   It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the  food was not too spicy and
the restaurant was handicapped  accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner.  It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there
before.

----------


## kyratshooter

Guy from Maine reports his wife missing.  Three days latter the police show up and knock on the door.

"Sir, I'm sorry but we have some bad news, some good news and some really good news"

"The bad news is your wife went off the road into the ocean and died 3 days ago."

"Well what is the good news then?" the man asks.

"Well sir, when we pulled her out there were 6 snow crabs and 15 lobsters hanging onto her."

"Well what could the really good news be?" the man asked again.

"Well sir, we decided we'll pull her up again tomorrow."

----------


## BENESSE

The    American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care    package. 
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists    advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut    feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of    nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a    misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh,    grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the    Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands    of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill    to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole    new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but    the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought    the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart    to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision    up to the azholes in Washington.

----------


## Rick

Often it's not about being the fastest or the smartest or the best. Sometimes it's just about having your priorities in order. 

Watch to the end....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=gTH0pXZQ5I4

----------


## hunter63

LOL, LOL, LOL.........Sometimes it's hard to keep Gunner on program, when there has been other male dogs training in the same area.....seems he want to be the TOP dog (on watering a vertical spot).....must be a guy thing.....Thanks, I can relate.

----------


## crashdive123

How did I know a close up was coming?  A dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do.  Yep.  That about sums it up.

----------


## Rick

All that dog needed was Ed McMahon saying....Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

----------


## nell67

:Eek2: screwed.jpg.....

----------


## hunter63

Ain't that the truth.....but only if you are serious........(drive a truck...LOL)

----------


## Sarge47

*Illinois vs Wisconsin**
Illinois:
The Governor of Illinois is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
... 2. He calls animal control .. Animal Control captures the coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8 The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Wisconsin :
The Governor of Wisconsin is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his concealed carry pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Crows eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why Illinois is broke and Wisconsin is not.       *  :Thumbup1:

----------


## kyratshooter

A man comes home from work and walks in the house.  He goes to the fridge and finds a note on the door.

"This is not working, I can't take it any more.  I've gone home to mother."

The man opens the door and grabs a beer, then mumbles;

"The light works and the beer is cold, what's her problem?"

----------


## hunter63

Teacher asked the class........Did Noah do a lot of fishing on the ark?

Johnny says, "No he only had two worms....."

----------


## Jay

Delicious.jpgDelicious.jpg     Its a valid question isn't it?

----------


## Jay

OmgOmg.jpg: :Confused1:

----------


## hunter63

OMG who thinks of these things?.....LOL

----------


## crashdive123

Jay!  Where you been?  Hope all is well in your part of the world.

----------


## Ted

True story. My boys had a new kid from the neighboughhood over to play vid games. The new kid kept say friggen this and friggen that. I do mean friggen not the f-bomb implied. So just about the time I was going to tell the kid to stop it, Toby says "Quit saying friggen all the time you friggen idiot!"

----------


## Jay

> Jay!  Where you been?  Hope all is well in your part of the world.


Hi Crash.  I see you guys are still going strong.   I dont go online as much as I used to.  I'm doing fine. I am working with a bunch of people from the US and a local university. We are trying to develop a more effective anti venom for snake bite victims in Sri Lanka.  I was out most of the past year collecting our top five venomous snakes for the project. we have 150 venomous snakes and we are in the process of extracting and building up stocks of venom. If you google Animal Venom Research International..you can check out our project.

Apart from that...life goes on.   Still do a lot of volunteer work with kids. Keeps me fully occupied.

Nice to get back in touch with you guys again. I must try to visit the forum more often.
That's it for now.
Catch u guys later.
Cheers
J

----------


## hunter63

Hey, Jay,.... if you are in Sri Lanka........Keep an eye open for my cousin....Got an e-mail awhile back saying she was stranded there, and needed me to send her $1200 or so.....sad, she lost her passport, money and is in jail.....and was in bad trouble.

I just sent the e-mail back telling her that I really didn't like her anyway,....Oh yeah,...what the heck you doing in Sri Lanka?, .....and should have been more careful.

Haven't heard back....Hummmm?

----------


## hunter63

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner

----------


## crashdive123

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner


He wasn't a fan of restaurant corporatism. :Whistling:

----------


## Sarge47

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner


He's a survivalist!   :Nod:

----------


## wtrfwlr

> If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner


He had a muti-year sponsorship that was negotiated through Warner Bros. He got all that stuff for free, part of the deal. It's all about name brand and product placement. Acme was ahead of it's time! Dodge/Chrysler was in on it with the introduction of the 68' model RoadRunner and the Beep-Beep horn (properly pronounced Meep-Meep) Sweet deal for a Coyote in the 1960's wouldn't you say? A true unsung mastermind that Yote was indeed, albeit skinny and hungry....but hey!

----------


## hunter63

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

----------


## Sparky93

> If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


It's simple, they actually died and were in purgatory... It was the precursor for Lost

----------


## natertot

> If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Your stuck on an island with Ginger and Maryanne, do you really want to attain self rescue?!

----------


## Rick

The professor didn't really invent any of that stuff. Wiley Coyote was actually his nom de plume. He filmed the Roadrunner series while off season from Gilligan's Island. See post 1620. It's a little known fact that he was in the Marines and saved Captain Kangaroo, Fred Rogers, Lee Marvin and much later, in a bizarre twist of fate, Tom Petty.

----------


## Rick

A husband and wife were sitting in the bar. After a couple of drinks the husband said, "I love you."

The wife responded, "Is that you talking or the beer?"

"It's me talking," replied the husband, "to the beer."

----------


## crashdive123

There is a factory in Essex which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

"I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... your job is to give Elmo 'two test tickles'".

----------


## natertot

Two brothers, ages six and four, woke up one morning and started talking. The six year old tells the four year old that it is about time for them to start cussing. The four year old goes along with it and asks the six year old how they should pull it off. The six year old says when they go downstairs for breakfast that he will say "hell" and that the four year old can say "@$$" The four year old agrees and they head downstairs where their mom asks what they would like for breakfast. 

The six year old answers, "What the hell, I'll have the Cheerios". His mom starts yelling and whooping his butt all over the place. She runs him up to his room spanking him all the way. Several minutes later she returns to the kitchen and asks the four year old what he would like for breakfast. The four year old replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your @$$ it won't be Cheerios!"

----------


## Sarge47

A lady supervisor in a factory noticed a new male employee standing around looking lost.   She asked if she could help him and he told her that he didn't know where he was supposed to be. 

"Well," she asked, "maybe I can help, what's your name?"

"Harry Sexhour."  He replied.

What?"  She replied, totally aghast, "That can't be right!  Let me check!"  She ran up three flights of stairs and burst into the personnel manager's office, out of breath.   "Sir," she asked, "do we have a Harry Sexhour?"

The manager l;ooked up from his desk and said "Are you kidding?  We don't even get a stinking coffee break!"     :Creepy:

----------


## dragon383

RETIREMENT:...............my nookie days are over, my pilots light is out, what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring, but now i got a full time job to find the blasted thing. it used to be embarresing the way it would behave, for every morning it would, stand and watch me shave. but as my old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes.

----------


## Jay

day care.jpg Some behavior traits are inherited.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

"Why some men wear earrings"

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A missionary was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

----------


## SHTFMIKE

There are three couples sitting down for brunch, and having tea.

The first couple are newly weds, and completely love struck.

The second couple has been married for a few years, but they still have a bit of a spicy love life and like to picture themselves as still being young and hip.

The third couple are a salty old couple that have been married for 30 years and been through it all.

The husband that is a newly wed looks across the table and says "pass the honey honey, and his wife blushes and smiles.

The second guy not to be out done looks at his wife and says pass the sugar, sugar, and she adoringly smiles.

The old guy looks at his wife and says "pass the tea...bag".

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A beautiful picture of the milky way as viewed from Mars

376177_458030080884675_1539268272_n.jpg

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

One time, this....oh, wait. You said "tasteful" jokes.

Hmmmm......I can't think of any of those.  :Blushing:

----------


## hunter63

> There are three couples sitting down for brunch, and having tea.
> 
> The first couple are newly weds, and completely love struck.
> 
> The second couple has been married for a few years, but they still have a bit of a spicy love life and like to picture themselves as still being young and hip.
> 
> The third couple are a salty old couple that have been married for 30 years and been through it all.
> 
> The husband that is a newly wed looks across the table and says "pass the honey honey, and his wife blushes and smiles.
> ...



......Then everything went black......

----------


## Rick

If they can put a man on the moon why can't they put beer in a booby?

----------


## SHTFMIKE

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but
he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

----------


## SHTFMIKE

ROBOT for Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

He asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother........

End of Story.

Robot for Sale !

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A woman has 3 kids.
The first born comes up to her and asks,
"Mommy? Why did you name me Daisy?"
And the mother replies,
"Because when you were born a daisy fell onto your head.
The second of the children asks,
"Mom, why did you name me rose"
And the mother replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.
The third child comes up to her and says
"Dur Dur Dur"
And the mother says
"Shut up cinder block!"

----------


## SHTFMIKE

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".
"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.
The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

----------


## SHTFMIKE

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

----------


## SHTFMIKE

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
 him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
 jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so
 that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
 Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The
taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. 

Next it's the minister's turn.
 He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint
 Mary's for the last 43 years."

 Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he
 gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

 "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
 people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
__________________

----------


## SHTFMIKE

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he

didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked,

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me

a Kiss?"


So she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
__________________

----------


## Rick

then he threw "her" over the rail.

Just remember, if no witnesses survive then it didn't happen. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

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## BENESSE

SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?

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## 2dumb2kwit

> SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?


 Well, he tried to have a "tasteful joke thread", but his post got moved. 
I don't know how that could have happened, because we don't have any mod's that would move a............Hey, wait a minute!!! :Blushing:

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## SHTFMIKE

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He
had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee.... As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.

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## crashdive123

My wife and I went to the county fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week!! You could learn a lot from him". 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one". 

I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".

I don't remember much about what happened next. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, I should eventually make a full recovery.

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## Canoetripper

Why do never take one southern Baptist  fishing but two is OK?




Because if you just bring one he'll drink all of your beer
If you bring two neither one of them will touch that stuff

Don't get you PANTIES in a knot I'm a southern Baptist!!!!!!!!

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## BENESSE

Why don't S. Baptists have $ex standing up?
They afraid people would think they're dancing.

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## Delta 5168

> Why do never take one southern Baptist  fishing but two is OK? 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Because if you just bring one he'll drink all of your beer
> If you bring two neither one of them will touch that stuff
> 
> Don't get you PANTIES in a knot I'm a southern Baptist!!!!!!!!


   ... and everybody knows that were you find four Baptists, you find a fifth!

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## Jay

4 naked chicks.jpg   What did you expect?

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## hunter63

Top 8 for today....

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought 
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

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## Daniel Nighteyes

> - - - and as someone recently said to me:
> "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."


Hey now!  I purely resemble that remark!!!

-- *Daniel Nighteye*s (age 66 and counting)

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## Williepete

In the process of cleaning up e-mails, came across this old saying.


An old West Virginia Hillbilly saying: 
“You cannot get the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the creek.”

Bill

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## SHTFMIKE

Yes he did.

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## SHTFMIKE

> SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?


Yes he did.

----------


## SHTFMIKE

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

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## hunter63

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid.  Because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine . . .

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . .




"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"


"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light.

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## hunter63

Another heartwarming Christmas fable

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre -Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into

hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely

day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

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## crashdive123

Nice.........

----------


## deafdave3

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  Now she's 97 and we don't know where she is.

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## Winnie

Very funny Hunter!

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## hunter63

> My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  Now she's 97 and we don't know where she is.


Minneapolis, MN....That's where my MIL ended up..... Bless her heart.....They keep calling......

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## Wildthang

A blonde caught a grease fire in her kitchen while frying bacon, so she called the fire department. She screamed into the phone " Please come and put this fire out in my kitchen several times", the fire dispatch person said we will be glad to mam, but we need directions, how do we get there.
The blonde then said, " Oh duh, the big red truck "!

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## Rick

*One day God was looking down at*
*earth and saw all of the rascally behavior*
*that was going on...*

*So He called His angels and sent*
*one to earth for a time.*

*When the angel returned,*
*he told God,'Yes, it is bad on earth;*
*95% are misbehaving and only*
*5% are not.*
*God thought for a moment and said,*
*'Maybe I had better send down a second*
*angel to get another opinion.'*

*So God called another angel and sent*
*her to earth for a time.*

*When the angel returned she went to*
*God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth*
*is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,*
*but 5% are being good...'*
*God was not pleased.*

*So He decided to e-mail the 5%*
*who were good, because he wanted to*
*encourage them, and give them a little*
*something to help them keep going.*
*Do you know what the e-mail said?*

*Okay, I was just wondering,*
*because I didn't get one either.*

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## hunter63

I didn't either....Hummmmm

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## crashdive123

I'd send you my copy, but it says at the bottom 


> This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, please notify the system manager. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee, you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this email. Please notify the sender immediately by email if you have received this email by mistake and delete this email from your system. If you are not the intended recipient, you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited.

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## Jay

First Turkey shoot of the season.
Turkey shoot..jpg

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## hunter63

Never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys: 

At a high school in Wisconsin , a group of male students played a prank. 
They let three goats loose inside the school. 
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 
1, 2 and 4. 

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3. 

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are..... 
And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin

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## Rick

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack with .25 Caliber Hand Gun! 

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire: 

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection...

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## hunter63

Yeah that and tennis shoes...I can't out run the bear, but I can out run you.....LOL

----------


## Durtyoleman

Seniors
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet the store wasn't ready. With only a few shelves set up, one said to the other, I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by , put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked ,What are you selling here? One of the men replied sarcastically, We're selling as**oles! Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, You're doing well. Only two left.
 Seniors--- don't mess with them! 

D.O.M.

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## Sarge47

I was just sitting here thinking on some various topics.  Finally I thought of an age old question:  Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the groin?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin.  After some deductive thinking however, I have come up with the answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby and here is my reason for that conclusion:  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."  On the other hand, you never hear a man say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin."  I rest my case..... :Detective:

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## Durtyoleman

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida  and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
 The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
 Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
 "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
 His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
 "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
 That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
 The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
 The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
 The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
 The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
 The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

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## Cast-Iron

An observation appropriately credited to country music entertainer Willie Nelson. _(I've tried to sanitize this a bit for a general audience)_

"What's the difference between an IRS agent and a prostitute?  The prostitute will stop screwing you after you're dead!"

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## finallyME

> Never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys: 
> 
> At a high school in Wisconsin , a group of male students played a prank. 
> They let three goats loose inside the school. 
> But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 
> 1, 2 and 4. 
> 
> School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3. 
> 
> ...


Now that is funny.

----------


## Ken

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----------


## ElevenBravo

A Texas Ranger attends a party to which he was invited.

A liberal group go up to the Ranger and a lady ask "Are you expecting trouble, Ranger? You have your side arm!"

He says "Well no, if I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shot gun."

The lady, set aback by the reply but not to be out done ask "Well, why on earth would you carry a 45 anyway?"

He tells her, "Well lady, because they dont make a 46!"

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## crashdive123

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one" replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled "Rose... what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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## Ken

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----------


## Sarge47

Ken Mellow was shooting pool in a bar with To dumb, when John Kerry came onto the TV.  Suddenly Ken stopped what he was doing and stared at the set.  Then He started cursing up a blue streak!  "That dirty %$#@& owes me $20!"  Ken said.

2D stopped and just looked at Ken, "You know Senator Kerry personally?"  He asked, I don't believe it!"

"Yeah, I know him, and he still owes me $20  for the lunch we had last month!"

2D's mouth dropped open!  There's no way you could possibly know that guy personally!"  He said, "And I got a hundred bucks that says so!"  Ken just smiled and put down his pool cue and said:  "He's flying into the the airport just about now, lets go down and greet him!"  So they got into Ken's Gnome mobile and went down to the airport and sure enough, John Kerry was just getting off of the plane.  Then he saw Ken and froze.

"Hey Senator!"  Ken hollered, "You got the 20 bucks you owe me?"  The Senator stopped dead in his tracks and then smiled.  "Ken Mello!  You old ambulance chaser you!  How ya doin?"  

"I'd be doing a lot better if you just paid me what you owe me!"  Ken replied.  Still smiling, Senator Kerry reached into his wallet and pulled out a twenty.  "Sure counselor, here ya are; I wouldn''t want to have this winding up in small claims court!"  So then Ken and 2D got back into Ken's Gome mobile and headed back to the bar.....(to be continued.).... :Yes:

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## Sarge47

Ken and 2D had just got back to the bar when Sam, the bartender called them over to the bar.  "Didya hear? President Obama just arrived at his hotel downtown, he's handing out medals to the cops what brought that 2nd bomber in alive!"

Ken turned livid!  "Yeah, and him and I even went to collage together, and now he's crapping all over the Constitution!"

2D turned and glared at Ken.  "No way!"  he sputtered, "I know you don't know President Obama personally!"

Ken looked at 2D.  "Yes I do, I don't like him, but I know him!"  He responded.

"Okay,"  2D said, "I'll bet you another $100, double or nothing!"  Ken just smiled and said, "Okay 2                     D, to the car!"  2D shook his head and said:  "No way am I getting back into that tiny thing, this time we're taking my SUV!"  Ken shrugged and off they went!

The got to the hotel just as President Obama was coming out.  He took one look at Ken and motioned for his Secret Service agents to surround him.  "Protect me boys, that's Ken Mello!  Self declared defender of the Constitution and 2nd Amendment for the United States!"

Ken's responses are deleted here in accordance with WSF guidelines regaging political discussions on this site!  However, this time 2D forked over $200 to Ken.  "Could be worse," 2D said, "It could have been the Pope!"  

Ken just smiled.  "No Way!" 2D exclaimed!"  Not the pope!  You can't possibly know him!" 

"You want to bet a thousand on it?"  I got two complimentary plane tickets round trip to Rome!"  2D, living up to his name and not learning anything said:  "Your on!"...(to be continued.).... :Laugh:

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## Sarge47

Ken and 2D arrived in Rome and headed over to the Catholic building, home of the Pope.  Ken said to 2D:  "Look, I can go in there but you can't, would you agree that I know him if we come out on the balcony together?'  With a sinking feeling in his gut, 2D just nodded.  A few minutes later Ken and the Pope appeared on the balcony together, arm in arm!.

2D just looked down at the ground;  "Sheesh!  Does he know everybody on the planet?"  He asked himself.  Just then a guy standing next to him nudged him.  2D looked at him and asked:  "What?"

"Who's that strange guy up there on the balcony?"  the stranger asked."

"That's my friend from Massachusetts, a lawyer by the name of Ken Mello."  2D replied.

"Not Ken, I know him, who's the guy he's with?"  the fellow asked.  2D's responses have to be deleted in accordance with the "PG13" requirement.

About that time the Pope turned to Ken and said:  "God wants to talk to you for a minute."

Ken just looked at the Pope and said:  "Tell Him to make an appointment like everybody else!".... :Scared:

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## Ken

Sarge?  Did you change my last post?  I can't remember what I posted, but it wasn't a picture of Mr. Rogers.  Hmmmmm.

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## Sarge47

> Sarge?  Did you change my last post?  I can't remember what I posted, but it wasn't a picture of Mr. Rogers.  Hmmmmm.


Not me, besides, who's mr. Rodgers?  Isn't he dead?.... :Shifty:

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## Rick

I ran across this ditty today. I remember it as a school yard yarn we used to spin as a kid. Perhaps some of you remember it too. It brought back some memories. 

*"One fine day in the middle of the night" 
*
One fine day in the middle of the night,Two dead boys got up to fight,Back to back they faced each other,Drew their swords and shot each other,One was blind and the other couldn't seeSo they chose a dummy for a referee.A blind man went to see fair play,A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"A paralysed donkey passing by,Kicked the blind man in the eye,Knocked him through a nine inch wall,Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,A deaf policeman heard the noise,And came to arrest the two dead boys,If you don't believe this story’s true,Ask the blind man he saw it too!

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## Ken

Rick?  Why did 2dumb kick the blind guy in the eye?

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## Sarge47

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." 
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" 
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?.... :Sneaky2:

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## crashdive123

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!  To reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter.

When the captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 20 million are already there!"

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## crashdive123

When was the last time you called to order pizza?

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

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## Rick

Oh! You better watch out, 
You better not cry, 
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why: 
The NSA is watching you today.
They are making a list,
They're checking it twice,
They already know who's naughty or nice.
The NSA is watching you today.
They see you when you're sleeping,
They know when you're awake. 
They know if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
You better watch out, You better not cry
You better not pout, I'm Telling you why.
The NSA is watching you today.

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## Sarge47

*A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, No, Id like to see something a little more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. Heres a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The ladys eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, Well take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so Ill write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and Ill pick the ring up Monday afternoon.
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, Theres no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!

See.Not All Seniors Are Senile*

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## Sarge47

*A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard** nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
*
*Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'*

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## crashdive123

John hoisted his beer and said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife! That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.
She said, Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?

John said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife
Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.

She said, Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, hes only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster.

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## crashdive123

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility. 

I’m sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned you down.”

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## mh89

> A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.
> 
> There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
> 
> As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
> 
> In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
> 
> She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, What took you so long?
> ...


LOL!!!! Hilarious

I've been trying to create a new version of the child's game "operation".  So far the best name I have come up with is "operation:  the obama care edition" lol

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## Rick

If that's the case just place a drawing of a human on the game board with no way to treat it's injuries and force people to purchase it at an inflated price. You'll pretty much have it.

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## finallyME

At the end of a long line for train tickets were a random woman and a random man. When they got to the ticket counter the salesman said that there were only two sleepers left on the train and that they were in the same room. He could sell them the tickets but they would have to sleep in the same room. They each agreed and bought a ticket.

The man graciously offered to sleep in the top bunk and, as it was already late, they each climbed into they're beds.

After a couple of minutes the man said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you mind handing me a blanket from the closet?"

The woman replied. "I tell you what, how about just for tonight we pretend to be husband and wife?"

The man got excited and said, "That sounds great."

The woman then said..., "Great, get your own damn blanket."

So the man, disappointed, rolled over, farted, and went to sleep.

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## finallyME

The cops came to my door and told me my dog was chasing a kid down the street on a bike. I told them my dog doesn't have a bike and went back inside.

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## finallyME

So, these four guys had, for years, taken a weeklong backpacking trip every year. This year, Fred had some bad news for his buddies: "My wife says 20 years of these trips is long enough, and that if I waste another week of vacation on one this year, we're finished. So, I guess I won't be going."

The other three were disappointed, to say the least, but went on the trip without Fred. When they arrived at the trailhead, there was Fred, pack on his back and poles in his hand!

"What happened? How come you're here?" they asked.

"Well," said Fred, "my wife was reading Fifty Shades of Gray. One night, she pulled me into the bedroom and pointed to some ropes and handcuffs on the bed. She told me to tie her to the bed, so I did. The she told me to do whatever I wanted."

"And here I am!"

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## finallyME

There was an engineering student walking through the quad and seeing his fellow engineering student on a bike. He asks, "where did you get that bike." His friend reply's, "I was walking along and this cheerleader rides up to me, throws down the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

"Good choice," his friend reply's, "I doubt the clothes would have fit you."

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## finallyME

I went out the other night and did something I seldom do. I had a few drinks too many. Then I did something I never did before. I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a DWI checkpoint. Since I was in a cab they waved me through. I didn't know they did that.

The problem is, now I have a yellow cab in my garage and I can't remember where I left my car.

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## finallyME

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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## Ken

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## Rick

Three tomatoes were walking down the street. Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and little baby tomato.

Baby tomato kept falling farther and farther behind. Finally, daddy tomato stopped, walked back to baby tomato raised one foot and squished him. 

"Ketchup!"

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## Ken

Don't come out of retirement.

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## Rick

Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.

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## hunter63

> Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.


Now THAT was the finest obscure reference I have ever heard of or seen.....Bravo!

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## Sarge47

> Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.


Now Ken you should know that Rick only steals from the best!... :Devil2:

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## Ken

:Pinch:     It's a darn good thing that we don't get charged for the humor around here.

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## Rick

Well, based on the humor the price of admission would be very low. That's a good thing, right? Of course, right now it's free. Just sayin'......

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## BENESSE

A man owned a small farm in Kansas. 
The Kansas Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, demanded the agent.

 Well, replied the farmer, theres my farm hand whos been with me  for 3 years. I pay him $700.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500.00 per week plus free room and board.

Then theres the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does  about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $100.00 per week,  pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every  Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Thats the guy I want to talk to  the half-wit, says the agent.

That would be me, replied the farmer.

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## 1stimestar

A woman places an ad in the paper.

 HUSBAND WANTED:...
 MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
 MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
 MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
 ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
 The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
 The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

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## BENESSE

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

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## BENESSE

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

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## tsitenha

Hey I resemble that remark.....finally someone appreciates me

Thank you, Thank you kindly  :Smile:

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## Beo

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop!" Hahaha

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## crashdive123

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

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## nell67

The customer reviews are hilarious!  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...eatsoluti0a-20

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## crashdive123

I'm sure Amazon is thrilled.

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## Rick

"I'm a covertarian. I just eat egg shells, animal hides, nut shells, corn husks, wheat chaf, brown rice hulls, and other coverings. The fresh whole bunny would be a waste since, at least according to one review, it doesn't come with the hide."

The next time some proudly proclaims they are vegan (like I give a whoop) this is going to be my retort. This is simply brilliant.

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## Rick

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished."   However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguistics in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this.  Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished."  Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.  His response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are "complete."  If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished."  And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished."

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## nell67

*Ill come to your place when SHTF  no you wont*_by GLEN TATE on OCTOBER 22, 2013_

(This post is something you can send to your friends or print out and hand to them when SHTF.)
Dear Friend:
I love my friends, but I will shoot you if I have to.  Im serious.  Heres why.
I tried to persuade you to prepare for whats coming and, in the process, revealed that to you that Im preparing.  You realized that I have food, guns, etc., and ended up saying, half kidding but half serious, Ill come to your place when SHTF.
No you wont.  I will shoot you.  If you threaten me and my family, I will use force to defend against any threat.  And showing up at my place hungry and unprepared is a threat to me.  You will eat my food and use up my medical supplies, generator, firewood, etc.  Thats less of these life-saving things for me and my family.  Thats a threat.
Is this greed on my part?  No.  I will take care of the truly needy  those who cannot take care of themselves.  But you are different.  Very different.  You had plenty of chances to prepare for yourself.
But what did you do?  You spent the weekends watching football, went on expensive vacations, and never made your spouse mad at you with your crazy ideas that something bad was happening.  You didnt do **** because you would just come to my place.  Problem solved, right?  You didnt need to spend time, money, and create domestic strife because I did that all for you.
Not.  Why should I spend my time, money, and stress just so you can waltz into my place and live happily ever after?  Im a nice guy, but  really?  Im going to spend my (very limited) free time, disposable income, and domestic tranquility just so you can have a leisurely life and more material comforts pre-Collapse while I dont?
Why do you think I will sacrifice enormous amounts of my time and money so you can enjoy yourself while Im slaving away?  Would you assume you could come over and leave your broken car at my house?  That I would just spend thousands of dollars on parts and several weekends fixing it and then hand it over to you with a smile  just because Im a good guy?  Would anyone expect that?
You do, apparently.  You actually expect to waltz over to my cabin and receive  with a smile  thousands of dollars of food and other supplies that took me all my weekends to acquire and store.
So, my grasshopper friend (as in the story of the grasshopper and the ant), here is your official warning: if your plan for your and your familys safety is to come to my place, youre wrong.  When you show up, Ill ask you to leave.  When you dont, Ill point a gun in your face.  If you refuse to leave, I will shoot you.  You are a threat to me.
You had years of time and very clear warnings to get ready.  But you didnt.  Hey, I love football but havent been able to watch a game in a few years; Ive been fixing up the cabin, buying supplies, and training with the Team.  I spent a lot of money doing all these things so I havent gone on a long vacation in forever.  I have had several difficult times with my wife because of all the prepping Im doing; I could have easily done what you did, which is just say Yes, dear and not prepare because she didnt want you to.
I hope this message jolted you.  Theres still some time.  Go prep.  Please understand that your plan cannot be Ill come to your place.  I dont want to shoot you.
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## hunter63

....and that, my friends is No Joke.

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## hunter63

Guy finds an old lamp.......and of course he rubs it and a Genie appears.
Genie says, " I will grant you three wishes.....but remember your ex-wife will get double of what ever you wish for.

So the guy agrees and says," I want a mansion...poof he gets a mansion, DXW gets two...
Second wish, "I want a million dollars".....poof he gets a million dollars....DXW gets two...

After thinking long and hard for his third wish.......he says, "I want you to scare me half to death"


Thank you Kathy Lee Gifford.

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## hunter63

Why does this seem to ring so true.......
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## Wildthang

Anybody want to hear a dirty Joke?



































Rick fell into a mud hole :Smartass:

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## Ken

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## Rick

I don't get it. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. I didn't even have shoes to walk through that snow!!

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## Ken

> I don't get it. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. I didn't even have shoes to walk through that snow!!


I guess I was lucky.  I had boots.  See?

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## hunter63

Yeah, well ....I had to go home for lunch......

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## crashdive123

You got lunch?

I had to make the walk to do my chores.

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## hunter63

You had chores?......we were too poor, had to borrow chores, then bring them back when we were done.

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## Sarge47

When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!.... :Innocent:

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## hunter63

OMG....and I suppose you had to walk to the kitchen to answer the party line phone.......The horror!

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## Ken

> ......we were too poor, had to borrow chores.


Pfffft.  We had it worse.  We worked for the hunter63 family.

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## Ken

> When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!....


We had rabbit ears on the TV, so all we had to do was stomp on the floor to change channels.

So..... do any of you (besides Rick, of course, because TV hadn't been invented yet) remember these?

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## Rick

Heck, I'm so old we had to use these...

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We were so poor...

One day I was kicking a can down the street and a fella asked me what I was doin'. I told him, "Movin'."
I couldn't even afford to pay attention.
The homeless guy offered us a handout.
The bank came and repossessed the calendar they gave us at the county fair.
We were just PO because we couldn't afford the OR.
Dinner out for us was going to the KFC and licking other peoples fingers. 
The only thing you saw on our kitchen table was elbows. 
When we did have food we'd have water for breakfast, peas for lunch and just swell up for dinner. 

We was poor.

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## Rick

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote: 

1) It is perfect formula for the child. 

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.   

3) It is always the right temperature.   

4) It is inexpensive.   

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.   

6) It is always available as needed. 

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

He got an A.

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## hunter63

Got this one in an E-mail today....but I can relate.....


What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the junk? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the junk.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the junk is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the junk." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

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## Rick

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The other day my wife and I were walking down the street and I happened to spy this amazing sight. Of course, I grabbed my cell phone and snapped a picture. My wife punched me in the arm and I asked her what she did that for. She demanded to know why I felt compelled to take the picture. I showed her the photo and told her it's not every day you see a dog driving a car.

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## hunter63

What dog.....?

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## M.Demetrius

A skydiver jumps from the plane on his first solo jump.  After a while, he pulls the ripcord.  It detaches and he is looking at the D ring in his hand.  
Alarmed, he pulls the reserve chute ripcord.  Nothing happens.  As he's spread eagle falling toward the ground, a woman comes flying straight up past him.  
"Hey," he shouts, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"  
"No, sorry," she replies, "Do you know anything about lighting a gas water heater?"

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## finallyME

> When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!....


I did that too.  But, there was a set of channel locks on the tv so that we could turn the shaft that used to have a knob.

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## Rick

About 1962 or so dad bought a remote control for our TV. It was a box that mounted over the channel selector. It had about an 8 foot cord that ran from the channel selector box to a hand held box. When you pushed the button a small motor turned the shaft on the channel selector. All 3 black and white channels. At least that's how I remember it. The worst part was the cord wasn't quite long enough to reach the couch. Be that as it may, we were pretty creme dela creme back in the day. I can remember marching all the neighborhood cronies into the living room to demonstrate this amazing new device. Yes, I was a pretty envied kid. I think it was my Bat Masterson outfit that impressed them the most however.

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## crashdive123

I saw this posted today.

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

 ME: Hello.
 AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. 
 ME: Is this AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. 
 ME: This is AT&T. 
 AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. 
 ME: Is this AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please? 
 ME: May I ask who is calling?
 AT&T: This is AT&T. 
ME: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
 ME: Hello? 
 AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? 
 ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
 AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: This is AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. 
ME: The phone company? 
 AT&T: Yes, sir. 
 ME: I thought you said this was AT&T. 
 AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
 ME: I already have a phone. 
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. 
 ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day? 
 AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day! 
 ME: 7 days a week?
 AT&T: That's right. 
 ME: 365 days a year? 
AT&T: Yes, sir. 
 ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! 
 AT&T: We think so! 
 ME: That's quite a sum of money! 
 AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up. 
 ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? 
 AT&T: Excuse me?
 ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute. 
 AT&T: What are you talking about? 
 ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. 
 AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. 
 ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. 
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute.
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please? 
 AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary. 
 ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! 
 AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold. At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner. 
 SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron? 
 ME: Yeah. 
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. 
 ME: Is This A T &T? 
 SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is. 
 ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. 
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. 
 ME: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. 
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.? 
 ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother? 
 AT&T: click??..

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## nell67

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## Rick

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

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## BENESSE

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!
However, may I ask for a  small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!
Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus
"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and  they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. 
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

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## Rick

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her class pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher,they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' 

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

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## AussieLuke

That Chief had the right of it. LOL

Yeah, sorry that it was a really early post but it sure tickled my fancy.




> my turn
> 
> 
> 
> Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
> official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. 
> You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." 
> 
> The Chief nodded in agreement. 
> ...

----------


## Rick

A millionaire, a redneck and a cheapskate walk into a bar. All three order a beer and when the beer is delivered there is a fly in each of the mugs. 

The millionaire quietly summoned the bar keep, pointed out the fly and asked for another drink. 
The redneck tilted his mug just enough for a bit of the beer and the fly to pour out of the mug then kept drinking. 
The cheapskate reached into his mug, grabbed the fly by the wings and yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

----------


## Ken

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a twelve-year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?" Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"

----------


## BENESSE

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two @ssholes!" 
_
_

----------


## Ken

Dear Diary: 

Aug. 1 - Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE. 

Oct. 14 - New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE. 

Nov. 11 - Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE. 

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE. 

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE. 

Dec. 19 - Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. DAMN SNOWPLOW! 

Dec. 22 - More of that white sh!t fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. THAT A$$HOLE!!! 

Dec. 25 - "White Christmas" my busted a$$. More friggin' snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this sh!tty ice. DAMN ICE! 

Dec. 28 - More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white sh!t. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this sh!t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? ONE HELL OF ALOT! 

Jan. 1 - Happy Friggin' New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 24 miserable inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that sh!t-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the sh!t he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the asshole's head. DAMN, ANOTHER SHOVEL WASTED! Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Wish those hunters would have killed them all last November. DAMN HUNTERS! 

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin' salt they keep dumping all over the roads? It really looks like a piece of rusting sh!t. DAMN SALT! 

May 10 - Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right friggin' mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Maine. I LOVE IT HERE. Damn! Something just bit me....

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

And that, boys and girls, is why Florida is full of yankees.

----------


## crashdive123

> And that, boys and girls, is why Florida is full of yankees.


Which wouldn't be so bad if they'd stop trying to make things the way they were "back home".

----------


## Lamewolf

A hunter claims he has the best duck dog in the country and his buddy doesn't believe him so they go on a hunting trip to prove it.  While out, the dogs runs ahead and then comes back and looks at his master and barks twice.  The master looks at his buddy and says theres 2 ducks ahead in a pond and they go up and each hunter kills a duck.  Then the dog runs ahead again and comes back and barks 4 times, and they go to the next pond and each kills 2 ducks a piece.  Then the dog runs ahead again, comes back barking uncontrollably picks up a stick and starts beating the hunters with the stick and the buddy shoots and kills the dog.  The owner of the dogs exclaims "what are you doing, you've killed my best dog" ?  The buddy says that dog went crazy and had to be put down, to which the master replied "he didn't go crazy, he was just trying to tell us that there were more ducks in the next pond than you could shake a stick at" !!!!

----------


## Rick

Buhahahaha! I don't care who you are this right here is funny. Guys, we can relate.....

http://www.whaleoil.co.nz/2014/01/lo...-south-africa/

And once they got home.....

http://softkenya.com/pictures/wp-con...3/12/Obama.jpg

Just cracks me up. Too funny.

----------


## Ken

Wife in Atlanta texts husband this morning: "Windows frozen, won't  open."

       Husband texts back:    "Gently pour some lukewarm water over  it."

       Wife texts back 5 minutes  later: "Computer  really screwed up now."

----------


## BENESSE

> Wife in Atlanta texts husband this morning: "Windows frozen, won't  open."
> 
>        Husband texts back:    "Gently pour some lukewarm water over  it."
> 
>        Wife texts back 5 minutes  later: "Computer  really screwed up now."


.  .  .  .  .   living will.jpg

----------


## sjj

removed.....

----------


## Rick

Guilty as charged.  :Blush:

----------


## 1stimestar

This one cracks me up every time I read it.  Sorry I can't copy and paste it.

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r

----------


## Rick

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. The bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. 

About this time, a large Texan standing behind her calmly picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

----------


## Rick

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS. I have to admit I'm still puzzled. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico, 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and one useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE SAM HILL DID I MISS?

----------


## deafdave3

> I've been having a lot of trouble communicating with my wife.  I've accused her of being hard of hearing and she is in denial.  To prove my point I recently gave her a little hearing test.
> 
> I stood about 20 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
> 
> Got no answer so walked to within about 15 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"
> 
> Got no answer so walked to within about 10 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"
> 
> Still, got no answer so walked to within about 5 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"
> ...


Hey, this really happened to me!

----------


## Sarge47

> I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS. I have to admit I'm still puzzled. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
> 
> I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico, 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and one useless President.
> 
> Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
> 
> I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE SAM HILL DID I MISS?


It's obvious...the 1st Lady!... :Whistling:

----------


## Sarge47

*Dear Mrs. Woolf, 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras": 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals. 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips. 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged. 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called. 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least: 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.*

----------


## Sarge47

*Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died. 
The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. 
One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend's house to tell the wife. The man says to her " Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home. 
The wife says. "Tell him to drop dead!!!!" 

The Irish man responds, "I'll go tell him!".

* :Sneaky2:

----------


## Sarge47

*An Irishman stumbles over to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man r**esponds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.*

*Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"

About that time in walks one of the "regulars" and sits down at the bar. 
He asks the bartender, "Hey, Pat! What's been going on?"

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

* :Innocent:

----------


## Sarge47

*Mary Finney goes up to Father Green after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "What's troubling you, Mary my dear?" 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. 
Me husband passed away last night."

Father Green says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father. He said, please Mary, put down that frying pan!

* :Drool:

----------


## Sarge47

*A man goes to see the Rabbi. He tells the Rabbi,"Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

"What's wrong?", asked the Rabbi

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
Pleadingly, the man says, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

"Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.", the Rabbi calmly suggests.

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"Take the poison!"

* :Sailor:

----------


## natertot

Hey Sarge, I like the Mrs. Woolf bit. Kinda reminds me of my college days!

True story. In college, a bunch of my friends and I had aftermarket radios in our cars that also came with remotes. We would gather all the remotes and head to places such as Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Circuit City, etc. We would head to the area of the store that had the car audio and find a spot an aisle or two over where we'd be somewhat hidden and blend in. After a while, some poor soul would come along to check out car radios. We would randomly turn them on and off, change the station, and prevent controls from being usable. Just when the person was about to walk away, we would crank the sound way up high. Can't tell you how many people we got yelled at. One was even a store employee who his manager thought he was playing around instead of working!

----------


## Rick

Who was fired from his job became an alcoholic and, ultimately, homeless. He's had that one song playing in his head now for 18 years. Nice. Real nice.

----------


## natertot

Wait, you're that Rick? I thought you looked familiar. I'm in for it now!

----------


## Winnie

It's probably been done to death over yonder, but It's new to me.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, Whats going on?
Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. Theyre asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, theyre going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. Were going from car to car collecting donations....
How much is everyone giving, on average? the driver asks.
The man replies, Roughly a gallon.

----------


## Rick

Buhahahahaha! Now that right there is funny I don't care who you are.

----------


## hunter63

Do they take mail in's?

----------


## Canoetripper

Give till it hurts

----------


## finallyME

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

----------


## finallyME

The Marine Gunnery Sgt noticed a new Marine Pvt. and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name Marine?" "John," the new Marine Pvt. replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching Marines in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Gunny scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Marines by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Gunny". Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye Gunny!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" The Marine Pvt. sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Gunny."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ..."

----------


## 1stimestar

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

 "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

 "Goodness gracious!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 And that's when the fight started...

----------


## crashdive123

Dear Abby, 

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay
the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that
most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch
to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our
bills even more. 

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs
out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the
Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 5 times a day with
Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in
the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so
horribly creepy!

Can you help?
Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the
White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for
everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. 
The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years.

Signed,
Abby

----------


## Rick

Man....that ain't even funny. Three long....hard....privacy and freedom stealing years.

----------


## hunter63

Amen to that....can I say "Amen"?

----------


## Canoetripper

He is also trading five bags of $hit for one coward!!!

----------


## Sarge47

The teacher of a 3rd grade class asked how many of the students supported the current president?  All but one raised their hands.  Little Tommy was the only one who didn't and this seem to anger the teacher!

"Why Tommy," she said, "Why don't you support our president?"

"Because," replied the little boy, "I'm a Republican!"

Now Tommy, why are you a Republican?"  Asked the teacher.

"Cuz both Mom & Dad are Republicans!"  Tommy answered.  This seem to anger the teacher.

"Tommy!  If you Mom was an idiot and your Dad was a moron, what would that make you?"  She demanded.

"A Democrat!"  Responded Tommy..... :Whistling:

----------


## Rick

Buhahahaha. Maybe we should open an "Anything Political Joke" thread........I always did like Little Tommy. 

Little Tommy was sitting on a park bench eating a big bag of sweets. A woman walked up and said, "That's a very big bag of sweets for a little boy to eat. It could make you very ill".

Tommy replied, "Well, my Grandad lived till he was 92".

The woman asked, "Really and did he eat a lot of sweets?"

To which Little Tommy replied, "No, he just knew how to mind his own fricking business".

----------


## Rick

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.    Barump Bump!

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shidzu. Barump Bump! (you can't even spell ****zu correctly. See?)

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Barump Bump!

----------


## Rick

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.



The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"



The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"






















Why are you looking down here? It's your turn to say something.

----------


## Sarge47

A Captain and his troops were surrounded by Indians. He asked his Sergeant looking through binoculars how many Indians he saw. The Sgt replied, "About 500 and they're getting ready to attack." The Capt asked how many men they had and his Sgt said, "About 60, sir." The Capt replied, "That's not good but we'll give them a good fight." Then he said,"Go to my tent and get my Red Shirt." When the Sgt asked why, the Capt said, "Because red is the color of blood and if I get hit, I don't want my men to see me bleeding. As the Sgt prepared to leave he looked in his binoculars again then said, "Sir, I made a mistake. There's more than 500 Indians about to attack. It looks more like 5,000." "5,000" repeated the Capt. "Alright Sgt...Cancel the Red Shirt... and bring me my Brown Pants"... :Cowboy:

----------


## 1stimestar

When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.

It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little **** in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little cretin calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman. 

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker. 

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my *** is INCHES away from this kids head. 

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers. 

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an *** now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death. 

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect. 

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. 

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!" 

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart." 

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?" 

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?" 

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying.

----------


## Tokwan

Stay away fro me..lol

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## Sarge47

> When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.
> 
> It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.
> 
> One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little **** in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
> 
> I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little cretin calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman. 
> 
> At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
> ...


We are honored to have you as a member of the F.A.R.T. team!  You now have the honored Indian name of "Fartwalker!"...Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

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## hunter63

Guys name was Glenn....looked a lot like a fatter, older, Kenny Rodgers (before he had his make over)

When shopping for the camping group....we would send him to the 3 loves of bread for a buck sale crowd......and he would clear it ou for us.

OUTSTANDING.

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## 1stimestar

> We are honored to have you as a member of the F.A.R.T. team!  You now have the honored Indian name of "Fartwalker!"...Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Aw.  While I would be honored to be a member of the F.A.R.T. I can not take glory where it is not due.  I'm a girl and you know, girl's farts only ever smell like roses.

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## Sarge47

> Aw.  While I would be honored to be a member of the F.A.R.T. I can not take glory where it is not due.  I'm a girl and you know, girl's farts only ever smell like roses.


Not according to your story!..... :No:

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## 1stimestar

> Not according to your story!.....



Lol if you notice in the story, it is told by an apparently very tall "Sir".  I'm a pretty short "ma'am".

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## Rick

Yeah, but women wear panty hose. Farts get trapped in panty hose. After a whole day if you stick a thumb in the waist band you could go flyin around the room like a balloon. Sounds just like a V1 rocket too. And the smell.....

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## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

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## hunter63

Shamelessly stolt this......

Southern Engineer Exam

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South... I challenge any so-called "smart " Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
        (A) '65 Ford Fairlane
        (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
        (C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that this test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if y'all didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the " RED NECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece....

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them

Bazinga!

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## hunter63

Hint on question 4....."All of them"

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## Sarge47

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were perspiring and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their natural freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest both asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize..... :Detective:

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## Sarge47

NOTE: Read all the way through before judging.

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he had a bad temper, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!”... :no way:

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## Tokwan

That was a good one.....looks like gramps still can do it..hehe

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## Sarge47

*THE MAID*
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid", said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?"The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause... Is this 832-4821?"... :Scared:

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## crashdive123

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.  One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.  'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.  The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.  'Who are you?' he asked him.  'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.  What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.  'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.  The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.

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## natertot

> The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.


I have never heard of a man that would look down at himself and call them "little bastards"!!!!! Could that be a side effect of pesticides?!  :Innocent:

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## ninjasurvivor

Someone in my office asked me if I'd like to run in a marathon for charity.  I told them I wasn't really interested. They said it was for crippled children. Then I thought, "Heck, I could win this!"

I wrote a book on penguins once. In retrospect, paper would've been better.

Why do ninja stars have holes in the center of them? So that you can still breath if you accidentally swallow one.

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## hunter63

The  Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to  take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new  definition.

  Here  are the winners:


   -------------------------------------------------

  1.  Cashtration (n.): The  act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially  impotent for an indefinite period of time. 


2.  Ignoranus: A  person who's both stupid and an azzwhole.

3.  Intaxicaton: Euphoria  at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your  money to start with.

4.  Reintarnation: Coming  back to life as a hillbilly.

5.  Bozone (n.): The  substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from  penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of  breaking down in the near future. 

6.  Foreploy: Any  misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting  laid  

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism  spray-painted very, very high.

8.  Sarchasm: The  gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who  doesn't get it.

9.  Inoculatte: To  take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.

10.  Osteopornosis: A  degenerate disease. (This one got extra  credit)

11.  Karmageddon: It's  like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,  right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious  bummer.

12.  Decafalon (n):The  grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things  that are good for you.

13.  Glibido: All  talk and no action. 

14.  Dopeler Effect: The  tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you  rapidly. 

15.  Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The  frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked  through a spider web.

16.  Beelzebug (n.): Satan  in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in  the morning and cannot be cast out

17.  Caterpallor (n.): The  color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're  eating. 



The  WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its  yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate  meanings for common words.

And the winners  are:

1.  Coffee, n. The  person upon whom one coughs. 

2.  Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled  by discovering how much weight one has gained. 

3.  Abdicate, v. To  give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.  Esplanade, v. To  attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.  

6.  Negligent, adj. Absent  mindedly answering the door when wearing only a  nightgown.

7.  Lymph, v. To  walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored  mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence, n. Emergency  vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a  steamroller.

10.  Balderdash, n. A  rapidly receding hairline.

11.  Testicle, n. A  humorous question on an exam. 

12.  Rectitude, n. The  formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.  

13. Pokemon,  n.  A Rastafarian proctologist.  

14. Oyster,  n.  A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.  

15. Frisbeetarianism,  n.  The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and  gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent,  n.An  opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish  men.

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## crashdive123

Those were pretty good.

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## Sarge47

Two guys meet up in a bar. 
The first one asks, Did your hear the news  Mike is dead??!!!
Woah, what the hell happened to him?
Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didnt brake properly and boom  He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof  Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.
What a horrible way to die!
No no, he survived that, that didnt kill him at all. So, hes landed in my upstairs bedroom and hes all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. Hes just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.
What a way to go, thats terrible!
No no, that didnt kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.
Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!
No no, that didnt kill him, he even survived that. So hes on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.
Man, what a way to go!
No no, he survived that, he survived that! Hes lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didnt mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.
Now that is one awful way to go!
No no, he survived that 
Hold on now, just how the hell did he die? 
I shot him! 
You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?
He was wrecking my house..... :Creepy:

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## Winnie

Little Johnny (strikes again),  he’s some wee boy.  

The  teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a  sentence.
 　
  Molly put up her hand and said,  "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It  was fascinating."
 　
  The  teacher said, "That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word  Fascinate... Not fascinating."
 　
  Sally raised her hand. She said,  "My family went to see the Grand Canyon and I was fascinated."
 　
  The  teacher said, "Well, that was also good Sally, but you didn't use the word  fascinate either."
 　
  Then  Little Johnny raised his hand.
 　
  The  teacher cringed and hesitated because she had been embarrassed by little  Johnny before.
 　
  She  finally decided there was no way he could 'damage' the word fascinate so  she called on him.
 　
  Little Johnny said, "My aunt  Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can  only fasten eight!"
 　
  The  teacher sat down and cried.

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## hunter63

http://fr.gloria.tv/?media=590206

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## Sarge47

I was interviewing the head of a local mental institution the other day and he showed me his bathtub test.  "This is how we determine if a person is normal or not.  We fill the bathtub with water. and we give them a thimble, a teaspoon, and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub.  Then we watch what they do."

"Oh," I said, "I see, a normal person would use the bucket to empty the tub, right?"

"No," he answered, a normal person would simply pull the plug; would you like a bed near the window?"... :Scared:

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## hunter63

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. 
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."


"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."


The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

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## hunter63

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

 So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

 The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

 Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

 The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

 Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

 She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

 She holds up the tiny pink pig. 
 "I mean, what the heck is this?"


 (are you ready?)














 (are you sure?)








 (here it comes!!!)





 The bank manager looks back at her and says,
 "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. 
 Give the frog a loan. 
 His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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## crashdive123

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

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## hunter63

Bhohahahaha........Was at a couple of rummage sales today........lots of clothes and knick knacks....and that joke went off in my head....

So posting it was kinda of a exorcism of silliness........

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## Sarge47

Prof. Dr. Gerald Hüther
TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organised a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
 :Cowboy:

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## hunter63

The real funny part?......(in a weird way)
That's not really a joke.

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## Rick

In response to all the  recent e-mails about our dog: Please be advised, we are sick and tired of answering questions about our dog !

Yes, he mauled six  people wearing obama t-shirts, four people wearing pelosi t-shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their crack, three flag burners, and a pakistani taxi driver. For the last time ...
 The dog is not for sale ! 

No, i do not approve of his smoking, but he says it helps get the 'bad taste' out of his mouth!

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## hunter63

Now that is funny ...I don't care who you are.....

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## Rick

If water shrinks leather how come cows aren't the size of Shetland ponies?

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## hunter63

My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday. 
He asked me how old I was, and ....I told him, 80. 
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at
1?"

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## hunter63

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy
blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally,she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings. 
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice,

"Who wasTHAT?"

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## Sarge47

Duck Hunters
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As 
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his 
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet 
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, 
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, 
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied 
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she 
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or 
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned 
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later 
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his 
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from 
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and 
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the 
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he 
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also 
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and 
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the 
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most 
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and 
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she 
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, 
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the 
Cat Scan, it's now $150."... :Creepy:

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## Sarge47

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will pass, and Ill inherit his large fortune.
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joes stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!.... :Cowboy:

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## crashdive123

*Senior trying to set a password*

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon'tGi  veMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourB  uttIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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## 2crows

> This one cracks me up every time I read it.  Sorry I can't copy and paste it.
> 
> http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r


My wife and I just read it.  That's easily the hardest we've laughed in years.

Thanks!

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## hunter63

> *Senior trying to set a password*
> 
> WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
> 
> USER: cabbage
> 
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
> 
> USER: boiled cabbage
> ...


......Yeah, I know.....

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## Sarge47

"Woman comes home sees her husband just sittin there. She says "what ARE you doin?" He says "I'm killin flies, so far I've gotten 3 males and 2 females." She says "now how do you know that?" He says "3 were on the beer can and two were on the phone!".... :2:

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## Lamewolf

Did you hear about our government taking over control of our deserts ?  Now they are predicting that we'll run out of sand in 3 weeks ! :No:

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## Gary O

Might be a little too edgy for here.
strike it if you must
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## Sarge47

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say 
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best. 
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better! 
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse. 
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to belittle me 
about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow
I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse! 
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well
the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief !
Going through menopause
is bad enough without being 
a murder suspect !
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.
Well, gotta go.
I have to write to
the Hefty bag people.

----------


## hunter63

A man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money, but he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog, a hamster and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog and the frog started playing a fantastic jazz solo. Then the hamster started singing along in an amazing duet. Impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.
Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man and offered him $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man instantly agreed to the deal.
The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender couldn't keep quiet anymore and exclaimed, "I can't believe you sold a singing hamster for only $1,000!"
The man shrugged and said, "The frog is a ventriloquist."

----------


## hunter63

An elderly couple, had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."
The husband texted back to her:   
"I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."

----------


## Batch

A blonde called tech support. 

The tech told her that in order to help he would need her password.

She told him, "mickeyminneydonalddaisyhueydewyluisygoofytallahas  see".

The tech guy asked her what was up with the long password. She replied that when she set up the account. She was told her password had to contain at least 8 characters with at least on capital.

----------


## Tokwan

The Chinese in Malaysia, have this practice of offering the deceased, or the spirits of their passed on ancestors or loved ones fake money, or items such as houses or cars or whatever they feel the deceased needed in the after life. These items are made of paper usually and the offerings would be burnt.
The following conversation was overheard at a shop that specializes in making these items.

Shopowner: Hey, why don't you buy an iphone for your late grandfather?

Grieving grandson: Oh ok..that is a good idea, how much one? But I doubt if my grandad would know how to use one!

Shopowner: RM5.00 only..but don't worry, Steve Jobs is also there, he can teach your grandad how to use one..but you should buy the iphone cover so your grandad can protect the phone..

Grieving grandson: Okay..how much? 

Shopowner: RM2.00 only..how about charger? It would make it easier for your grandad to charge the phone and not only rely on the gracious powers of our deity.

Grieving grandson: Do I need to? Oh okay, guess I should get a complete kit. By the way..can I have your business name card too?

Shopowner: Huh, my business name card? What for?

Grieving grandson: I need it so that I can burn it and offer to my grandad..then for any warranty issues, my grandad can call you directly to claim, should he need to do so.

----------


## Awanita

As most of you know I turned the big FIVE TWO this year on my birthday and I have had a few months now to look back on it and you know, I like a lot of others over the years have many things to be thankful for in my life. This being Native American Heritage month along with the Thanksgiving holiday brings out a time to be thankful in one’s life and I am. I am thankful that my mother taught me her heritage for me to continue it, I am also thankful for my dad’s heritage and family name it is one that holds honor in the history and making of this country as well.

With this festive time of year I decided to go out and celebrate last weekend and we all have been lucky over the years or well some of us have, get out and had to much to drink and drove home and made it safely with out hurting ourselves, someone else or getting pulled over by the police, yes I have been guilty of that. As I grow older I think about those times and so this past weekend I decided if I got out and had to much to drink I would just take a taxi. Well the ole Scottish, Englishman Cherokee did get out and got to drinking a little to much so I locked my car up and took a taxi, boy I’m I glad I did about a mile from my home town they had a road block, they were stopping cars left and right but when they saw the taxi the just waved me through and I went to the house. You know that was the first time I ever drove a taxi it was fun but I can’t remember where I got it from.

----------


## Awanita

Have you ever heard the saying it 's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Well it may work on some women but not my woman. I learned very early in our relationship to always run thing by momma. Because if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

Most of you know that I have a few friends that I hang out with down here from time to time. Well Richard called me and said "Knowlton let's get Keith, Joe and Glenn and take a trip to Blytheville(Arkansas) to the Drift Inn and have some drinks." Well I told him I would have to run it by the little lady and get back with him.

When I went home from work, I stopped off and got pizza and a bunch of flowers. I ain't no dummy, guys when your wanting to go out without the woman, you better butter both sides. Of course she asked what the occasion was and I told just because she was the sexiest woman I had ever known and she deserved flowers and not have to cook that night. Of course she didn't buy any of it and said "Knowlton don't screw with me, what's up?" She's pretty plan spoken. I told her that I would like to go out one Friday night just with the boys and go drink some beers. I told her that we would even get a D. D. (always be responsible when drinking) After much thought she said well alright but honey please don't stay out all night. I assured her that I would be home at 12 midnight.

I called Richard back and told him to go ahead and contact the other guys and to find a D.D. and that I promised the little woman I would be home at 12 midnight. He was kinda disappointed at my time limit but we hadn't been out for awhile so we grabbed what we could.lol That Friday night arrived and at around 7:30 The boys pulled up in the front yard....Heck it was like we were all back in high school. High 5's and "waz up man" I could see the look in my woman's eyes she didn't say but I could tell she was thinking " This going to be worse than being run over by a freaking truck. I can see it now, I'll get a call from dip sh!T to come bail the dumb butts out of jail." I looked at her and said "baby it's going to be alright we're going to be good. Just us good ole boys out having fun." Then I kissed her, told her I loved and then I said the famous last words "I will be home at midnight.

We got to the Drift Inn around 8:15 and Bobbie was our D.D. we bought him cokes all night long. Richard bought the first round, then I bought around of shots. Joe got the next round and Glenn bought the shots. At 9:00 low and behold the club broke out the Karaokee so hell we all signed up. Keith decide we should do one of the oak ridge boys songs......Elvira....shoot, I told him to buy another round first.....If I was singing with them, I didn't want to know about it....lol

Well the night went on and the beer and whiskey was flowing good that night until Bobbie said Knowlton you do know it is after 2AM....Oh heck!!!!! boys we got to go!!!!!! It looked like a keystone cops movie trying to get our drunken a$$es in the car but we did. I told Bobbie to floor it, I would pay the ticket, I had to get home. I was thinking this might be a dry month for ole Knowlton after this caper. I tell Bobbie to turn the lights off a block away from the house and throw in neutral just before the drive way....hmmmm no lights on, that was a good sign. I ask Bobbie the time and he told me 2:55 ShooT. I told the rest of the drunks in the car to keep quiet.

I get out and they leave. I fall in the front yard and bust my butt trying to get my cowboy boots off....There I got it, pick myself and grab my bearings and head for the door. I find my keys and slowly open the door. I get home at 3AM exactly, how do I know? The damn cuckoo clock on the wall started. I am thinking if she hears those 3 cuckoo's and I am not in bed my a$$ is grass. So even in my drunken stupor my thinking was keen, all I had to do was give 9 more cuckoo's and if she woke up she would think it is only twelve. I waited till the third cuckoo and then I imitated the heck of that dang bird. I gave off 9 of the best cuckoo calls, then crawled into bed. Damn I'm one smart son of a gun.

Get up that morning and the little woman is sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper. She said "Good Morning dear. Did you have a good time last night and how are you feeling?" I thought oh heck here it comes. I replied " oh baby we had a great time, the guys were a little bummed that I had to be home by 12 but they will get over it." (smart thinking on my part)

She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."

She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.

----------


## crashdive123

> As most of you know I turned the big FIVE TWO this year on my birthday and I have had a few months now to look back on it and you know, I like a lot of others over the years have many things to be thankful for in my life. This being Native American Heritage month along with the Thanksgiving holiday brings out a time to be thankful in ones life and I am. I am thankful that my mother taught me her heritage for me to continue it, I am also thankful for my dads heritage and family name it is one that holds honor in the history and making of this country as well.
> 
> With this festive time of year I decided to go out and celebrate last weekend and we all have been lucky over the years or well some of us have, get out and had to much to drink and drove home and made it safely with out hurting ourselves, someone else or getting pulled over by the police, yes I have been guilty of that. As I grow older I think about those times and so this past weekend I decided if I got out and had to much to drink I would just take a taxi. Well the ole Scottish, Englishman Cherokee did get out and got to drinking a little to much so I locked my car up and took a taxi, boy Im I glad I did about a mile from my home town they had a road block, they were stopping cars left and right but when they saw the taxi the just waved me through and I went to the house. You know that was the first time I ever drove a taxi it was fun but I cant remember where I got it from.


Just be glad this guy wasn't driving your taxi.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## crashdive123

> Have you ever heard the saying it 's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Well it may work on some women but not my woman. I learned very early in our relationship to always run thing by momma. Because if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy.
> 
> Most of you know that I have a few friends that I hang out with down here from time to time. Well Richard called me and said "Knowlton let's get Keith, Joe and Glenn and take a trip to Blytheville(Arkansas) to the Drift Inn and have some drinks." Well I told him I would have to run it by the little lady and get back with him.
> 
> When I went home from work, I stopped off and got pizza and a bunch of flowers. I ain't no dummy, guys when your wanting to go out without the woman, you better butter both sides. Of course she asked what the occasion was and I told just because she was the sexiest woman I had ever known and she deserved flowers and not have to cook that night. Of course she didn't buy any of it and said "Knowlton don't screw with me, what's up?" She's pretty plan spoken. I told her that I would like to go out one Friday night just with the boys and go drink some beers. I told her that we would even get a D. D. (always be responsible when drinking) After much thought she said well alright but honey please don't stay out all night. I assured her that I would be home at 12 midnight.
> 
> I called Richard back and told him to go ahead and contact the other guys and to find a D.D. and that I promised the little woman I would be home at 12 midnight. He was kinda disappointed at my time limit but we hadn't been out for awhile so we grabbed what we could.lol That Friday night arrived and at around 7:30 The boys pulled up in the front yard....Heck it was like we were all back in high school. High 5's and "waz up man" I could see the look in my woman's eyes she didn't say but I could tell she was thinking " This going to be worse than being run over by a freaking truck. I can see it now, I'll get a call from dip sh!T to come bail the dumb butts out of jail." I looked at her and said "baby it's going to be alright we're going to be good. Just us good ole boys out having fun." Then I kissed her, told her I loved and then I said the famous last words "I will be home at midnight.
> 
> We got to the Drift Inn around 8:15 and Bobbie was our D.D. we bought him cokes all night long. Richard bought the first round, then I bought around of shots. Joe got the next round and Glenn bought the shots. At 9:00 low and behold the club broke out the Karaokee so hell we all signed up. Keith decide we should do one of the oak ridge boys songs......Elvira....shoot, I told him to buy another round first.....If I was singing with them, I didn't want to know about it....lol
> ...


Now that right there is funny.  I don't care who you are.

----------


## MrFixIt

> She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."
> 
> She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.


HAHAHA!!! Love it!

----------


## Awanita

I cleaned most of the sware words up. When I do it live its alittle different. lol

----------


## hunter63

True story......This morning...

Was waiting for my truck at the hospital valet parking after therapy this morning.....
Lady was in a wheel chair  that was being attended by another worker lady.

Lady in the chair was waving franticly to a car pared in the circle........No response.
Waved some more and finally the car pulls up.....Lady says, "Hey that not my car.... Oop's.

Guy say well OK and started to pull away....She pipes up and says, "If my ride isn't here in 5 min....can you give me a ride?
He says no, he was waiting on some one.....

Couple of minutes later her ride shows up, she gets in and leaves....The worker lady say to me, "Can you believe that?...She really wanted a ride."

I said, "Yeah,...I wouldn't have given her a ride either....I would get home, DW would ask me who she was and why she was here.....
And I would have to tell her....

"I don't know who or why, but they are giving away old ladies at the Hospital this morning......., but this one is crabby, ....I gonna take her back".

----------


## Awanita

Ok here is the reason I got fired
What a hell of a week. First of all I had to work 12 hour shifts till we hired someone to cover a 3rd shift. That was alright because it gave me overtime and that makes the paychecks look good. This is not what led up to me getting fired, here is what happened. 

I got nominated to be on the planning committee for our company picnic. Everything was going well, we actually got the company to allow consumption of alcohol at the picnic on company grounds. We thought that we had accomplished a great change but the management came back with some very strict conditions. First it had to be supplied by the company it could not be brought on company grounds by the employees and secondly the employees were only allowed to have ONE drink, ONE F'n drink. I knew that was not going to set well with the employees that like to have a few mixed drinks or beers. We went ahead and put the rules in the flyers as we passed them out we figured it was better than nothing.

I was put in charge of eating utensils, paper plate products, napkins and plastic cups for the BBQ that was going to be catered in.....So here is what led up to me being fired at the company picnic.......I bought the plastic cups for the one drink I am including a photo which will explain a little further. Give me a break a guy can make a mistake can't he. 

Big cups.jpgThe Reason I got fired!!! I bought the plastic cups for the Alcohol drinks for the company picnic. Geeeesss!!!

----------


## crashdive123

Hmmmmmmmmm.  I'm detecting a theme here. :Whistling:

----------


## Tokwan

That's aplastic pail!

----------


## crashdive123

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Londons Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Millipede said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

----------


## Rick

Something about that report just doesn't add up.

----------


## hunter63

> Something about that report just doesn't add up.


I don't know, I have 11 finger/thumbs.....1,2,3,4 5,.......10,9,8,7,6....    6+5=11

----------


## Awanita

Could I be responsible

I always try to do the right thing by my fellow man, neighbor or even strangers. Whenever I see someone in need, if I am able I am always willing to lend a helping hand. I found out sometime back that being a good Samaritan doesn't always pay in the end. I found this out a few months back.

My Band "Cherokee Rose" had a one night gig at an Eagles club about 100 miles from where we lived. I called the drummer and asked if he wanted to go over early that Saturday morning with me and set the sound system and instruments up for the show. He said yes he would go with me then we could spend the day checking out some pawn shops and kick back for a few beers before doing the show that night.

The Bass player, the steel guitar player, and my other lead guitar player planned to ride over together later that day. I play fiddle, guitar and do most of the lead singing. The drummer came over early that Saturday morning and off we go. We make it to the Eagle club and it was a cool rainy morning so we parked under the awning to unload the equipment, we get everything set up and do a sound check all sounded good. I told Jimmy my drummer I was going to move the van to the parking lot and he said he would order us a beer, it was close to 11:30 and I am sure 12 o'clock somewhere.

At the bar was myself, Jimmy and the barmaid whom we were well acquainted with because we have played there several years off and on and one other guy at the end of the bar he was slumped over the bar. She was a sweetie, she bought our first round and we sat and talked for awhile. Then we got up to go to the pawn shops. As we got up to leave the barmaid asked if Jimmy and I would give the guy at the end of the bar a ride home. She said he had been there since 7am. I thought, well it is raining outside and it looked like he was in no condition to drive so Jimmy and I said sure no problem.

We go over to the guy and tell him we are going to give him a ride over to his house. He smiled and slurd something that kinda sounded like thank you. I set him up on the bar stool and as I started to get him to stand he did a face dive. What the heck, so I told Jimmy to get under one arm and we would help him to my van. We get to the door and it is raining moderate and I tell him where we are parked and we get him stable and Bam (WTF) he goes down again. I look at Jimmy and said looks like this may turn into a full time baby sitting session. We pick him up and go running through the rain to my van. I tell him he is going to have to stand on his own while I unlock the door so he can get in. He slurs the word no. I said listen man we are trying to help you, come on help us out here Just stand here a second and we will get you in the van. Well I let go and reach in my pocket for my keys, somebuck if he didn't fall again.

We are all water logged by now but we get him into the middle set of seats, then we get in the front seat and I turn around and ask him what his address, he was almost passed out by this time and slurring so badly I though well sh!t. I get back out open the side door in the pouring down rain and go through the guys back pocket for his wallet. Thank god there wasn't a policeman around he would have thought we were mugging the poor guy, little blood on his face and me going through his pockets.

Ah found an address so I get him seat belted into the van and off we go to his address, he was slurring and pointing to the right then he would point straight ahead. I guess he was trying to give us directions, which I thought feller in your condition you couldn't find your a** with both hands. We pull up to his house and I asked if he could make from here, he shook his head no and slurred something that sounded like "you son of b***h" . I thought you ungrateful butthead, but trying to do the right thing Jimmy and I get out and try to get him to his house in the pouring rain. He takes two more dives to the ground before we can get him to the door.

Finally here we are all three standing at the door Jimmy on one side, me on the other and the ungrateful drunk in the middle. I ring the doorbell and about 30 seconds later this beautiful woman answers the door. I told her that we had brought her husband home from the Eagles club, she smiled and said "Thank you two sweet men for bringing my husband home, but where is his wheel chair.">>>>>>OMG!!! Am I responsible if they can't find his wheelchair.

Satire--------- Disclaimer: No individuals, drunks or handicapped persons were hurt in the telling of this satire story.

----------


## Sarge47

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" She barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...

----------


## Sarge47

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.".... :Tt2:

----------


## crashdive123

So you want to play soccer?

----------


## Rick

I have no idea how they did that but that was hilarious.

----------


## crashdive123

It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods. 
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." 
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. 
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. 
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad.

----------


## Rick

No ship. Right after 911 I was preparing to board a flight and was passing through security. The woman said undo your belt. Now, you know how bad my hearing is and I know how bad my hearing is so I figured I was either complying or about to get arrested. As it turned out my belt buckle was tripping the metal detector. Whew!

----------


## hunter63

That was funny.......Bohahahahaha

----------


## hunter63

> It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods. 
> When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." 
> Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. 
> When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. 
> I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 
> They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad.


I guess the reason they don't have TP in those little room.....they called them...."Fitting rooms'?

----------


## crashdive123

Yeah, but I get some really interesting reactions when I reach under the dressing room wall and ask if they can spare some toilet paper.

----------


## natertot

I went to the hardware store the other day to get a few things. When I went to check out, it was apparent that the young lady was new and recently allowed to work the register on her own with a more seasoned employee readily available if she needed help. I placed the items on the counter to make my purchase. One of the items was denatured alcohol and she accidently rang up ten of them. I looked at her with the straightest face I could muster and said, "Ma'am, I don't need to drink that much". The look she gave me was priceless. She then consulted her trainer for a few minutes. I would have loved to have heard that conversation!

Another time and place I bought only two items. It was a toilet bowl brush and a tube of toothpaste. I could tell the cashier wanted to ask.......

----------


## hunter63

....Or buy a bag of potting soil.....and an Anniversary Card.....tell the lady that 21 years is for dirt......Every one in line will start looking at the little card in their wallet.......25 years silver, 50 years gold..........21 years dirt

----------


## MrFixIt

Went down to the local Racetrak store the other day to pick up a 6 pack. Placed my goods on the counter and the young lady asked me for my ID.
I looked at her and asked why. She said we have to ID everybody. Now, mind you, I'm obviously over 21, but can understand if I was close to the age and being asked.
I told the girl I was old enough to be her father, and that maybe some common sense should prevail. The manager steps over and asks what's the problem. I tell her that I'm being carded and didn't understand why since I'm obviously well over 21.
She said it was company policy to ID everyone for alcohol and tobacco products.
I shrugged, pulled out my license, paid the girl and proceeded to leave.
The young clerk told me she was sorry, and that her daddy drank the same brand, winked and smiled at me.
Guess where I'm going when I get off from work...

----------


## Rick

Where??????

----------


## crashdive123

Yeah, where?

----------


## Sarge47

A precious little girl walks into a Pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

----------


## MrFixIt

> Where??????





> Yeah, where?


I just went home.  :angelwings:

----------


## crashdive123

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load." 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

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## Sarge47

A cop stops a driver for shooting through a red light. 
The driver steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist 
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual 
orientation, etc., in explicit offensive terms.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower 
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to 
The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and 
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know 
what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're 
an azzhole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record 
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a 
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and 
mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket 
you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," 
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" 
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir." 
"Aggressive and hostile?" 
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for azzhole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. 
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?.... :2:

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## Sarge47

The story of the Three Pigs.
Once upon a time their were 3 pigs. 
They lived at home with their mother since their dad was such a boar. One day their mom came home in a bad mood. It seems she received a porking ticket while working at the Piggly Wiggly.
"From now on, I'm going to stop bringing home the bacon and start getting it around here". She was such a ham. Money was tight, since their mom opted for a pignuptial agreement, so the 3 pigs moved out on their own.
The first pig built his house out of straw and was looking for some oinkment to put on his sty, when he heard a knock at the door. "Who is it"? It was the wolf, but the pig couldn't understand him. He always wanted to be a movie actor and star in Hamlet . . . but Kevin Bacon got the job. Finally, the wolf blew the house down and the first pig got out the door.
He ran to the second pig's house made out of sticks, an environmentalist's nightmare. The second pig was always in trouble . . . going to pignics and running his Harley Hog through the middle and pulling the girl's pig tails. He is now a politician and that is where we get pork barrel legislation from. While playing with their ham radios, a knock could be heard at the door. "Who is it".said the first pig? But they couldn't understand the wolf. The second pig was disgruntled, so he wasn't able to speak. Suddenly, the wolf blew the house down.
The 2 pigs ran to the third pig's house. The first pig got a hamstring, so the second pig gave him a piggyback ride. The third pig built his house out of brick. He was looking for resale value, and was very wealthy from his mud wrestling career. The pigs watched tv and saw Pygmalion, Silence of the Hams and Pork and Mindy.
There was a knock at the door. The 3 pigs could not understand the wolf. Then the wolf started speaking pig latin and said, "Dominos". The third pig opened the door and quickly inspected the Pizza for sausage , ham or bacon. He looked up, saw the wolf, and ran upstairs to dial swine one one.
The police arrived and arrested the wolf for trespassing. Mama pig came over and read them their favorite story, this little human went to market, this little human stayed home, etc. and as she was leaving looked over and said, " Look at that, pigs in a blanket"!... :Cowboy:

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## Sarge47

*"TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA"*
10. After shouting "Merry Christmas!" he gets a hacking cough and has to lay down for awhile.
9. He keeps trying to get the kids' mothers to sit on his lap.
8. Instead of "Ho, ho, ho!" he says "Yeah, whatever."
7. He keeps playing grab azz with the elf helpers.
6. After the kids mention the toys they want, he asks them "How much you got on you?"
5. During his lunch break, he flips through the Victoria's Secret catalogue.
4. He smells like a nursing home disinfectant.
3. He keeps taking frequent breaks to check in with his parole officer.
2. His Santa outfit doesn't include pants.
And the #1 Sign You Have A Bad Department Store Santa
1. Its Charlie Sheen.... :Detective:

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## Sarge47

*A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"*
*The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......*
*"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"...* :Glare:

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## Batch

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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## Batch

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bar tender says, I'll serve you. But, don't you go starting anything.

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## Tokwan

heheheheheheheheheheheheheheeee.

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## BENESSE

Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. 
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. 
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

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## BENESSE

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece to paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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## Sarge47

*This elephant and alligator were good friends in the jungle...*
*They are walking along a trail when the elephant spies this turtle sunning itself on a log. 
The elephant stops and stares at the turtle for the longest time, then rushes over to it, snatches it off the log with its trunk and throws it up into a near by tree.*
*The alligator just watches this and when it is over with, says to the elephant, "What was that all about?"*
*The elephant replies, "That is the same turtle that bit my trunk and made it bleed so badly, 45 years ago!"*
*The alligator goes, "Wow!! You remember that one incident from so long ago!"*
*The elephant replies, "Oh, Yes, I have turtle recall!!"*

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## Rick

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never stop to realize that some of the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND . . .

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate.  A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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## Rick

A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy. 

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## hunter63

............and anywhere is in walking distance....given enough time.
Stephen Wright

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## 1stimestar

> A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy. 
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Lol tried to rep you for that.

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## crashdive123

> A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy. 
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


This is probably the origins of the phrase...."It is better to give than to receive".

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## Rick

A group of former school mates, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts, and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the old school buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the old school mates again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. 

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

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## Rick

A little kid was sitting on the curb shaking a bottle of liquid and watching the air bubbles slowly rise. A priest came along, saw what the little boy was doing and stopped to question him. 

"What ya got there son," asked the priest. 

The little boy eyed the priest and held up the bottle for inspection. "This here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

The priest chuckled at the little boys naivety. "Son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you sprinkle a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant woman's tummy she'll pass a baby boy."

"Shoot, that ain't nuthin," replied the boy. "You sprinkle a couple of drops of turpentine on a cat's butt it'll pass a motorcycle." 

(No cats were harmed in the retelling of this joke)

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## MrFixIt

I used to manage a full service gas station/country store. Here is one that I would tell...

A feral cat would get into the dumpster every night, strew trash all over the lot. We had to clean up every morning after this thing.
One day I decided I would lure the rascal in with a can of tuna. Over the course of several days, I would set out a can and the cat would come. After a few days I was able to get closer and closer, then finally caught him in a feed bag.
Took him over to one of the gas pumps, took the nozzle and squeezed some gas onto his butt. Let the cat outta the bag and he tore around the fuel island. I swear I saw sparks coming from his claws!
Then all of a sudden, the cat stops and lies down.
At this point the enraptured customer would ask, "Did the cat die?!"
I would reply, "Naw, he just ran outta gas..."
 :Wink:

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## Rick

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" 

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" 

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of B*** S***."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

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## hunter63

Might have heard this one.............


A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son.....

'Go get your Mother'

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## Rick

A rare look inside a can of whoop-***. 

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## hunter63

Cool....But that ain't no Joke.....

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## hunter63

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving 
relationship with their husband. 
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" 
All the women raised their hands. 
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" 
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. 
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to 
their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." 
The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another 
person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in 
response. 

Below are some replies; some are hilarious. 
If you have been married for quite a while ... a sign of true love ... who else  
would reply in such a succinct and honest way? 
1. Who the hell is this? 
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you? 
4. What now? Did you crash the car again? 
5. I don't understand what you mean? 
6. What the heck did you do now? 
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 
8. Am I dreaming? 
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone 
will die. 
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. 
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isnt she? 


..........10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. .....Bhohahahahaha

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## Sarge47

Many people have ask how I stay so fit. This is what I did......

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. 

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. 
( I'm at this level .)

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag... :sweatingbullets:

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## Rick

This is an actual email I received earlier today. Everyone receives them but this one is just so bad it's funny so I thought I'd stick it in the Joke of the Day thread. And somewhere, someone proof read it and said, Yep, that ought to work. Then hit send. Formatting and all just as I received it. 

JAMES B. COMEY JR EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
   FBI.WASHINGTON DC. ANTI TERRORIST AND MONITORY CRIMES DIVISION. FBI SEEKING
   TO WIRETAP INTERNET Good Day, We believe this notification meets you in a
   very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigation
   (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation
   Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed
   through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have
   a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards
  to your over-due contract/inheritance payment which was fully endorsed in
  your favor accordingly. We will found a way to fix a schedule for you to come
   to our head-quarter in Washington DC to enable us advise you on what to do,
   but meanwhile you are further advised to be contacting us via email for now
   because we are having various investigations that we are working on now.
  Keep everything regarding to your transaction confidential for security reasons
   and note that we have not informed the local FBI department in your state
   regarding this matter because we want to keep everything secret until your
   fund is received by you to satisfy the requirements of the law.

The email server I use classifies an email as spam if it scores 5 questionable points (Reply To looks random, Missing To: Header, etc). This one scored 50.9. That's like a home run in center field at Tiger Stadium.

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## hunter63

Can't say if they are brilliant or just that freaking stupid.....
Bhoahahaha

But people bite...OMG.

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## Sarge47

Sooooo let me see if I got this straight, the government is really interested in helping you get a ton of money you didn't know anything about...is that right?  They're with the FBI but are not telling the FBI in Indiana, even though they are part of the same government organization because that'd be against the law?  So when do you leave for Washington?... :Wavey:

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## Rick

I will be meeting with the Jr. Executive Director (Or is the Comey Jr?) as soon as they fix a schedule. (I didn't know one was broken).

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## RangerXanatos

I got the Nigerian money scam a couple of months ago and had fun with them. I saved all the emails just for fun.

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## Rick

There are a lot of folks playing with them. One guy even has them post pictures of themselves holding signs to prove they are who they say they are. The signs are a mix of letters that say something obscene but since they are English Second Language they don't understand what it says. Some of it is pretty funny. Of course he posts them all. He posts their phone numbers as well.

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## hunter63

Haven't had that one in a while.....
Back a couple of years ago there was ...the "Your cousin Tony, He is in Shi Lanka, in jail, and needs $1300 bucks to get out."....scam.

Told them that "He" is a "She".....and I never liked her all that much anyway.....Tough beans.

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## Rick

Remind me not to call you for bail money.

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## Sarge47

*Craig's List: Free to good home.
My girlfriend doesn't like my dog "Princess", so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. She's a little high maintenance with her grooming, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? 
Come and get her!
Me and my dog want her re-homed!!...* :W00t:

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## hunter63

http://olympictalk.nbcsports.com/201...mieko-nagaoka/

Two sharks swimming around under water.....
Shark 1 "Hey you think that's still good to eat?"
Shark 2 "Naw, better smell it first .....doesn't look too good to me......Lets eat tomorrow".

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## Rick

If I make it to 100 I'll be tickled pick if I can WALK 1500 meters. I wouldn't even think about swimming. Of course there's that whole diaper thing too, so.

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## finallyME

> If I make it to 100 I'll be tickled pick if I can WALK 1500 meters. I wouldn't even think about swimming. Of course there's that whole diaper thing too, so.


Don't worry, they make swim diapers.  I guess the question is, do they make swim diapers in your size?

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## Rick

Umm, I'm not gonna ask you how you know that.

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## crashdive123

Or why he might be curious.  It's a brave new world.

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## 1stimestar

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

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## hunter63

Your laugh for today! 

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral. 
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate 
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. 
A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service 
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the 
heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the 
doctor in the beautiful heart forever. 
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all 
eyes stared at him, he said, I'm so sorry, I was just thinking of my own 
funeral, I'm a Proctoligist.
The priest fainted!

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## BENESSE

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----------


## Rick

(Sigh) That would be funny if it weren't true. 

Guy walks into an auto parts store with jumper cables. The guy behind the counter yells at him, "Hey! You can come in here but don't start anything!"

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## BENESSE

Har, har! My favorite type of jokes!

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## crashdive123

My wife accused me of being immature.


I told her to get out of my fort.

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## kyratshooter

I had the exact same thing happen once!

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attractio...ty_Tennes.html

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## Rick

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## crashdive123

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.


Then they call me poor and ugly.

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## crashdive123

*Pinocchio, Snow White & Superman*


Pinocchio, Snow White and  Superman  are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest for the most beautiful  woman in the world."

"I am entering," said  Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

 " First Place," said  Snow White.

 They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

 "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

 Pinocchio  says "this is mine."

 Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

 "What happened?" they asked.

 "Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.

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## Rick

Buhahahahaha!

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## Sarge47

Get A Second Opinion
The doctor said, "Paul, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
"Paul was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Paul laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Paul tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Paul admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Paul thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Paul and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Paul was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Paul tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Paul walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Paul thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Paul's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Paul laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..."

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## Sarge47

Breaking some eggs.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.".... :Creepy:

----------


## hunter63

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...  

SERIOUSLY?!!!    

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.." 

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings." 

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." 
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..," 
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." 

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..." 

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." 

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is." 

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" 

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious." 

And finally...ya gotta love this one. 

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye." 

--

----------


## Eastree

A man is in a plane accident, and washes up on a deserted island. He is the only human survivor, and washes up with a shepherd dog and a sheep. After a few months, he's watching the sun set with the two animals, and he's getting some urges after so much loneliness. He puts his arm around the sheep, and the shepherd dog starts growling, protective as it is by instinct. "So much for that," thinks the man.

Some time later, another plane crashes. Lo and behold, Hilliary Clinton is the lone survivor, and washes ashore on his island. They're all watching a beautiful sunset together, and the man is getting urges. He thinks this is finally his moment. He leans over to Hilliary and says, "Uh, hey ... You uh ... you wanna go uh ... wanna go take the dog for a walk?"

----------


## hunter63

Dress Code 
Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should
present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for
those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway .
. . you'll be there.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. 
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker


And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A hong and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop

----------


## Rick

I hate this. First, my grand kids tell me my comb over, mutton chop sideburns and mood ring have to go. Now number 14 shows up. This is starting to get serious.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

This may cheer you up, Rick.

Any peanut butter can be crunchy peanut butter, if you put your pills in it.

----------


## 2dumb2kwit

> My wife accused me of being immature.
> 
> 
> I told her to get out of my fort.


 Hahaha......I've been warning my neighbor, that one day I'm going to build a fort next to my fire-pit, in the back yard. Hahaha.

(Heck....I may even build my fort _around_ the fire-pit.)

----------


## Sarge47

NEVER SATISFIED.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here.".... :W00t:

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## hunter63

Now THAT is funny....I don't care who you are.....
Bytch, bytch, bytch.......

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## hunter63

> This may cheer you up, Rick.
> 
> Any peanut butter can be crunchy peanut butter, if you put your pills in it.


Bhohahahah, ......y'all are on FIRE!

----------


## Sarge47

The Navy Master Chief noticed a new sailor among his crew. So he yelled at him, Get over here! Whats your name sailor?
Tim, the new sailor replied.
Now look, I dont know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap theyre teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I dont call anyone by his first name, the chief scowled.
It breeds familiarity, and that in turn leads to a breakdown in authority. And I will not have my authority compromised. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Miller, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as Chief. Do you understand what Im saying?
Aye, Aye, Chief!
Now that weve got that straight, whats your last name sailor?
The sailor sighed. Darling, My name is Tim Darling, Chief.
Okay, Tim, heres what I want you to do . replied the Chief..... :W00t:

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## Sarge47

*A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.*
*"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."*
*"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."*
*"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"*
*"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"*
*A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."...* :Chef:

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## Sarge47

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. 
But we didn't go where we normally would go. 
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. 
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
.....on the couch....
....naked.... :Lol:

----------


## Phaedrus

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre.  So he gave it to her.

----------


## Rick

(snort, chuckle). Someone is looking up double entendre at this very moment.

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## hunter63

> (snort, chuckle). Someone is looking up double entendre at this very moment.


LOL....Yeah, me.....

dou·ble en·ten·dre


/ˌdo͞obl änˈtändrə,ˌdəbl änˈtändrə/


noun

noun: double entendre; plural noun: double entendres
a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent.

synonyms: ambiguity, double meaning, innuendo, play on words 
"much of the comedy is derived from racy double entendres" 

humor using double entendres.

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q...tendre+meaning

Is it still funny if I have to look it up?........or is the Yoke on me?

----------


## Batch

A guy walks up to a lady walking her dog and says, "Dang! That is one ugly pig!"

The lady replies, "That is not a pig! That is my dog!"

Guy says, "I was talking to the dog."

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## hunter63

......That's when the fight started.....LOL

----------


## Sarge47

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels
and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege..... :W00t:

----------


## Sarge47

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. 
"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F#%& you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too.".... :1:

----------


## Sarge47

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. 
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didnt stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnt know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Ive never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. 
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin like that before and Ive been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, Im still lost Its a man thing.... :Crying:

----------


## Batch

A blond walks into a library and says to the woman behind the counter, "I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke!" The Library says, "Miss ,this is a library!" The blond leans in and whispers, "Ohhhh sorry, I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke."

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## Wise Old Owl

The absolute power of the whisper. Men melt.

----------


## TXyakr

All bubble wrap has been banned at the Washington D.C. Navy Yard.
Just put it in the trash gently, do not squeeze or pop or the building will be on national news in 10 minutes. OMG Folks are way jumpy.

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## Sarge47

*The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.*
*The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"*
*"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." ...* :Cowboy:

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## hunter63

A woman  hurried to the pharmacy to get medication , she
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. 
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. 
She looked at it and said, 
"I don't know how to use this." 
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP . 
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, 
Driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. 
She said: 
"Yes, my daughter is sick. 
I've locked my keys in my car. 
I must get home. 
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" 

He said, "Sure." 
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute 
The car was open. 
She hugged the man and through tears said, 
"Thank You, God, 
For sending me such a very nice man." 
The man heard her little prayer and replied, 
"Lady, I am NOT a nice man. 
I just got out of prison yesterday; 
I was in prison for car theft." 

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing , 
"Oh, thank you, God! 
You even sent me a Professional!"

----------


## crashdive123

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

----------


## Rick

Two old guys were sitting at the fountain in the mall waiting for their wives to finish shopping. 

1st Old Guy: "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep."
2nd Old Guy: "Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times."

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## hunter63

Rick, was that you in the mall?...Well, I'll be.

----------


## Sarge47

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.



*So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."* 

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F@‪#‎k‬ off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"... :1:

----------


## nell67

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----------


## WalkingTree

A rooster, hen, and squirrel walk into a saloon.

The rooster hops up onto the bar, and hollers out a "cock-a-doodle-doooo!"

The hen mutters, just loud enough to be heard, "any C- will do."

The squirrel twitches his busy tail, in deep thought for a moment, and muses to himself "now, where did I hide my nuts anyway?"

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## Wise Old Owl

> Two old guys were sitting at the fountain in the mall waiting for their wives to finish shopping. 
> 
> 1st Old Guy: "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep."
> 2nd Old Guy: "Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times."



Horribly wrong on both sides..... just saying... maybe a sphincter
 involved

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## hunter63

An old, tired-looking dog wanders into a man's gated yard one day. The man is a dog lover, so he lets him in. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly, coming to the conclusion that the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and immediately falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.


The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep.


After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."

The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

"Can I come with him tomorrow?'

----------


## Grizzlyette Adams

*HOW TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN*

Whatever you give to a woman, 
she will make greater.

If you give her a house,
she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges
what is given to her.

So, if you give her any bull,
be ready to receive a ton of crap.

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## hunter63

No Ship.........

----------


## nell67

posting this in the joke thread, however this is an actual ad on a facebook buy/sale/trade page:


"F/s Jeep  Wrangler yj 4x4 with title. V6 automatic 166,000 miles. It's rusty but  it Runs, drives, ****s, turns and wheels good. No top or doors included.  Located in new Albany just north of Louisville. $2500.  C/p more pics under my profile under a public folder. If you send me a  pm please post that you did, so I can recieve it."  



as you can see, WSF filtered out the word here, which I am guessing was SUPPOSED to be shifts, but the  seller forgot the "f"

----------


## natertot

That is funny, Nell. Nobody wants a constipated Jeep now, do they?

----------


## kyratshooter

call came through on the scanner from the sheriff's department.

Deputy; We have a situation here, a little old lady just shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped.

Dispatcher; Have you arrested her?

Deputy;  No, the floor is not dry yet!

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## hunter63

Ain't that the truth.....

How about....

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.  
I said, "Left Tackle?”

That's when the fight started.

----------


## Rick

Just Little Larry....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" 
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?" 
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself".


Larry watched, fascinated, As his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry "Giving up?"


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" 


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. Larry pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" 
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

----------


## Rick

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

----------


## Rick

I was gonna invent a pencil with an eraser at both ends. But then I realized it was pointless. 

My memory is so bad. (How bad is it?) How bad is what? 

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles. Get it? Tenticles?

How does Moses make coffee? He brews it? 

My ipod is named Titanic. At the moment it's syncing. 

Fish are easy to weigh. They have their own scales. 

I hated my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 

I fell off a 28 foot ladder yesterday. Fortunately, I was only on the first rung. 

Anyone know the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter. 

Know what you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh. 

Know why the mushroom gets invited to all the parties? 'Cause he's a fun guy. 

Two shows nightly. 7 and 9. Get your tickets early.

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## crashdive123

Oh.....you said ten, not test.   :Whistling:

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## Batch

A guy walks into a adult books store and says he wants to buy an inflatable doll.

Male or female asks the clerk.

"Why female of course.", says the man.

"Black or white?" asks the clerk.

White.

"Muslim or Christian?" asks the clerk.

This question confused the man, so he asked, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

----------


## ClayPick

How to speak Irish....

Whale

Oil

Beef

Hooked

(Say it fast)....... :Smile:

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## Rick

It hasn't made the news yet but female aliens have invaded earth and are kidnapping sexy, virulent, good looking men. None of you have anything to worry about. I just posted to say goodbye.

----------


## Wildthang

A blonde lady caught her kitchen on fire while cooking dinner, and she promptly called the fire department.

She said help my kitchen is on fire, then she just stopped talking. Then she said hurry up get here before my house burns down, then just stopped talking and sat on the phone.

The dispatcher said, wait...........how do we get there??

The lady said Oh Duh..............just drive the big red truck!!!

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## gcckoka

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum. hahahahaahhhaha


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## crashdive123

Sorry, I fail to see any humor in that.

----------


## natertot

> Sorry, I fail to see any humor in that.


Kinda glad I'm not the only one......

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## hunter63

> Kinda glad I'm not the only one......


What the heck was that all about.......?

----------


## natertot

> What the heck was that all about.......?


Post #1976

----------


## Eastree

For those lost on post #1976" It's a joke about a Tolkein quote:
Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

edited: too large an image

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## hunter63

> Post #1976


I gathered that.......Oh well.....
Moving on....
And, Yeah Eastree I recall the quote.....

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## crashdive123

Yep, I understand the origins of the first panel of the cartoon/meme/whatever it is - just failed to see the humor in the other three panels.

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## hunter63

Rodger that...........

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## Rick

Uh, Hunter, that was Crash. I don't think we have a Roger.

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## hunter63

Rodger Crashed?.....OMG.....
Oh.....I get it....Nevermind....

----------


## MrFixIt

> It hasn't made the news yet but female aliens have invaded earth and are kidnapping sexy, virulent, good looking men. None of you have anything to worry about. I just posted to say goodbye.


I just got back.
Boy am I tired...

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## hunter63

Dr. said not to drink as much coffee.....So I don't.
I switch to beer around 10:00 A.M.

The he says, "You can have 2 beers a day....."
This one of for October 25, 2027.....#1

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## crashdive123

> I just got back.
> Boy am I tired...


Out looking for Rick are you?

----------


## MrFixIt

> Out looking for Rick are you?


No, I wasn't looking, but was pretty sure I'd run into him.
He must have been on another ship, I never saw him in the chow hall...

----------


## Rick

I generally stay in the galley. Someone has to ensure all that food is fit for consumption. Hang on....Has the foi gras been taste tested? Well, bring it over here. Yeah, always in the galley.

----------


## WalkingTree

Here's a laugh for the day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMHnNF2rqpI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaMylwohL14

----------


## WalkingTree

Oh man this is so funny.






https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rDhd5MC4M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4zTOfix40Y

----------


## Rollicks

> Oh man this is so funny.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rDhd5MC4M
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4zTOfix40Y


Hahahaha. Those robots would never stand a chance against a Roomba.

----------


## hunter63

Yeah...Whatever happened to "Battle Bots?"
Cool vid.....

----------


## WalkingTree

Toro and the Whyachis...the kings of the arena.

----------


## Rick

Ninja bots. Whooda thunkit? I like Balloon Head. Have to admit I didn't see that coming.

----------


## WalkingTree

weeeell....Battlebots tonight. On my over the air channel at least. Let's see if it's better than Alone. I'm gonna start a poll....Battlebots, or Alone. Sparks, or dirt. New fire starting method - bring a battle bot out to the bush with you.

----------


## Lionel Twain

A Roman walks into a bar with a group of his friends, hold up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

----------


## crashdive123

I see what you did there.  I like it.

----------


## Rick

Oh, man. I hate higher math. Sheeesh.

----------


## hunter63

I was told there would be no maff....
 (I get it...... a "V" right?....like Roman numeral 5? ....yeah, that's it....Got it....)
Bhohahahaha

----------


## WalkingTree

> Oh, man. I hate higher math. Sheeesh.


The other day someone asked me to go see how full something was. I came back and said it was about 3/4 full. They were bewildered. Didn't know what I meant. Kinda sorta got mad at me, saying "don't use all those complicated numbers and math and stuff. Don't nobody around here know any fancy fractions, who uses fractions??". They were serious. Weren't joking. Really had no idea what I meant by 3/4 full. So I said it's over half full, hoping like heck that they at least understood that. They did, saying "ok, that's better, now I know what you mean."

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## hunter63

Yeah well don't feel bad......Lady at the Dish TV Customer Service ask be how far the down load was along...told her the same thing, about 3/4's.....she said she doesn't DO fractions.
So told her, "If the load bar was a dollar, we are at 3 quarters"......She says, "Oh yeah"

----------


## WalkingTree

You GOT to be kidding. Rather, we GOT to be kidding. 'Cept we're not. And that's just crazy.

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## hunter63

> You GOT to be kidding. Rather, we GOT to be kidding. 'Cept we're not. And that's just crazy.


Not as crazy as handing  $5 dollar bill to the kid at the till at Menards (big box home improvement place)in the garden center....for a $2.49 cent item.....
He stood there looking at it.....He had been ringing up everything up on peoples credit/debit cards....
Told him, "That's a $5 dollar bill US currency, and as far as I know is still legal tinder"....
So he take it, rings it up and put it in the till......closed it.

I ask him about my change?.....Again he looked at me with the "Huh?? eyes".....
Well the till isn't going to reopen till he had a supervisor keys in a code....

Get my change, and he was giving me the "stink eye" like it was my fault he was a Dumas.....as I was walking away I was listening to the folks in line muttering.

Heck if I would have know that..... I would have gotten out my change purse....and counted out the change to the penny.....
What a Richard Cranium...

Now That IS a Joke........

----------


## Rick

So, dude, I was like at work today and this really, really old guy, must have been 50, hands me, get this, money. I'm like what century are you from? 
Seriously, man, that is just wrong. Bitcoin should have an old folks "get a life" coin.
For real.

----------


## edr730

Some years ago, I talked to the bank manager about getting a debit card for someone in Guatemala. Out or curiosity, I guess, she asked me where that was at because she didn't know too much about Europe. I replied that it was in Central America. The look on her face told me she was still confused, so I said, "south of Mexico". It's a lack of education, no doubt. She had the graduation papers, just didn't know nothin.

----------


## Batch

Well, now down here in South Florida we might have some immigrants and ignorant. LOL
You get your Cubans hating you Puerto Ricans. And damn near ever black hating every other black regardless.

But, my redneck breathern are the wisest of all. They refer to all latinos as South American's and Puerto Ricans as damned foreigners!

My favorite is when Mexican's are considered South American!

----------


## WalkingTree

Just to be an advocate for a certain fairness...There's something that we all don't know. Ok there, I said it. I mean, a smart-butt can jump up and give me some calculus and challenge me to show that I know what it is. However...

...some stuff is just basic. Or should be. Three freaking quarters? Knowing what a 5 dollar bill is? It must've finally happened - that day we warned ourselves about that would come about from using pocket calculators too much. The day when someone really doesn't know what 3/4 is or a 5-dollar bill and doesn't know to give change from 2.49...to see this happen in reality is just really weird. Reminds me of another incident a while back when somebody didn't know that birds lay eggs and don't nurse their young with mammary glands, and another person defend it by saying that they went to a pretty good school but never once heard anything about birds and eggs.

What's that thread? - "When does it stop being primitive?"

This is when:




> ...said it was about 3/4 full...They were bewildered...got mad at me, saying "who uses fractions??"





> ...handing $5 dollar bill...for a $2.49 cent item...looked at me with the "Huh?? eyes"


Or, is this when it instead got really primitive?

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## hunter63

Just stand in Line at Micky D's........See how many people buy $6 dollar meal( or just a coke)......And swipe their card....
WE doin' need no stinking fractions.....

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## Rick

Wait! What? Back up. What's this bird thing. They lay eggs?

----------


## hunter63

A TINY CABIN IN ALBERTA 

A social worker from a big city in Ontario recently transferred
to the prairies of Alberta and was on the first tour of her new territory 
when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.   
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will 
need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here,"  said the kid through the door. 
"This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart.
Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, 
educational and medical needs?

----------


## natertot

> Wait! What? Back up. What's this bird thing. They lay eggs?


Here I thought eggs always came from momma! I love them fried with a little bit of cheese!

----------


## hunter63

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

WINDOWS:  
Please enter your new password.

USER:
cabbage

WINDOWS:  
Sorry, the password must be more 
than 8 characters.

USER:  
boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:  
Sorry, the password must contain 
1 numerical character.

USER: 
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: 
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character 
consecutively.

USER:  
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveM  eAccessNow!

WINDOWS: 
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:  
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss  IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:  
Sorry, that password is already in use

----------


## crashdive123

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----------


## WalkingTree

Already in use...yes...ha! Somebody's been there already.

----------


## Faiaoga

> Here's a laugh for the day.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMHnNF2rqpI
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaMylwohL14


Great to see these videos of chimps and other animals reacting to their own reflections.  They react just as human babies do when held up to a mirror - slapping at the reflected image. :Devil:

----------


## WalkingTree

In one, there's a particular moment when a chimp (or gorilla?) is moving his hand funny in the mirror, as if he's testing and recognizing that it's his reflection. I thought that was interesting.

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## hunter63

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
quote>
Steven Wright

----------


## crashdive123

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 
'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want. ?The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?" 
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not
work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. 

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. 


His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


Boys and girls, that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

----------


## hunter63

Bhohahahahahaha.....
Now ain't that the truth......?

----------


## hunter63

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----------


## hunter63

My inspiration....You never know....

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----------


## kyratshooter

Did you ever drink so much your wife started making sense?


Me neither!

----------


## Rick

Oh, man. If you weren't like me you'd be in a lot of trouble right now.

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## crashdive123

Oh, he's in trouble alright.  He's just going to have to wait a bit for the frying pan smack.

----------


## kyratshooter

Yep, I am pretty certain that when I reach the Pearly Gates St. Peter will not have much to say and just let me through.

Upon entry the wife will be waiting and I will get a "talking too"!

'specially for that last joke.

----------


## M118LR

I'll admit that I didn't go through all 102 pages. But I was wondering if Y'all heard that Walmart Greeter Mil Humor?

The Walmart Manager liked hiring Vets, put he had a particular problem with the Oldest Vet he had ever hired and assigned as a door greeter. The Old Guy was beyond reproach at customer service, could tell all the customers where everything in the store was located, every customer gave the Old Guy the highest score possible on every survey, BUT! The Old Guy was 15 minutes late every mourning.

As he had hired many Veterans the Manager knew he would need to counsel the Old Guy. He called him back into the Manger Office and regurgitated the problem. He new the Old Guy had done at least 30 years in the Navy and this 15 minutes late every day stuff wouldn't be tolerated no matter how good the Old Guy performed his duties. After the Old Guy explained that the 15 minutes in the mourning was a work in progress, the Manager wanted to know what it was that the  Navy people would say to him if he was 15 minutes late!

The Old Guy deliberated over the Walmart Manger's direct question, pondered his measured response, the spoke softly. Usually if I was delayed 15 minutes in the mourning the Navy people I meet would ask, " Would you like coffee Admiral? "

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## crashdive123

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." 



Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. 



The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. 


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. 



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" 

(you're gonna love this) 







(its a real treat) 







(a masterpiece) 







(wait for it) 









The bank manager looks back at her and says... 

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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## Fixit

I was I Tractor Supply the other day and out n one of those moods . I picked up the stuff in needed and went to counter . The women behind the rung up the sale and as sometimes happen the computer ask her to ask for phone number white she did . My reply

Ah women ,first they check you out and then they ask for your phone number .

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## crashdive123

And her response?  Or are you still recovering in ICU?

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## Fixit

Well I had chosen my victim carefully . She bit her lower lip trying not to laogh . The Kelly the manager stock her head around the corner with a grin . So what she said was " I only asked for the phone number because the computer told me to " . To which Kelly replied with  "sure sure ".

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## RangerXanatos

I was in Harbor Freight and the new guy in training asked for my phone number and I told him I was happily married. He didn't get it but his trainer got a deep laugh.

----------


## natertot

I went into an ace hardware one time, needing denatured alcohol for a wood project. The girl was new and about college age with a more experienced cashier one register over keeping an eye out on her. When she ran up my can of denatured alcohol, she accidentally rang up a quantity of ten. I looked at her with the most serious look and said "I don't need to drink that much". The look on her face was priceless as she was wondering if she should be selling it or requesting ID!

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## hunter63

Several year ago...I was having  problem at "The Place" our cabin...
It is located on a good size river, and form time to time we get a lot of beaver damage.

Large trees chewed thru dropped in to and across the river....to say nothing of small trees and branches chewed off in a seep area and dragged thru the corn to the river.

Looking for help I called the State of Wisconsin, Nuisance Animal Hot line.
Lady answered the phone....
"Can I help you?"
"Yes. I have a problem with beaver........."

Long silence.....

"You know the kind the swims in river and lakes?"
Pause...
Pause...
Pause...
"Can I put the call on speaker phone?"

I gonna guess the lady has many dull days........?

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## Wildthang

What was the most se*ually explicit thing ever said on television in the period from 1957 to 1963?




Want to know?  







Are you ready?







Wait for it!!!











Answer: Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night!  :Smartass:

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## madmax

Now wait a second.  Rick and Crash would toss me for that.  But it was funny.

----------


## Wildthang

> Now wait a second.  Rick and Crash would toss me for that.  But it was funny.


They may toss me, they just haven't seen it yet!!!

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## hunter63

Well, At least I was able to enjoy it before it was deleted as a "Groaner....."

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## Wildthang

> Well, At least I was able to enjoy it before it was deleted as a "Groaner....."


Hunter only you appreciate fine humor.........LOL

----------


## hunter63

Latest pallet project.....didn't come out too well...

So...Project Rev 2

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----------


## Rick

I've made my fair share of those projects. Wasn't funny then. Still isn't funny.

----------


## hunter63

Yeah but it feel good and warm for a little while...kinda like peeing in a dark suit.

----------


## gcckoka

2 seconds before car accident in all over the world
-oh heck !
2 seconds before car accident in Georgia
-look what I will do now...

kind of funny but sad reality  :Big Grin:

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## hunter63

Kinda like......
Wake up Leroy....He ain't never seen a wreak this big before?

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## kyratshooter

Hold my vodka and watch this!

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## Wildthang

> Latest pallet project.....didn't come out too well...
> 
> So...Project Rev 2
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Okay, how did you get that picture of Kyratts shootin shed???

----------


## hunter63

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----------


## BENESSE

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----------


## hunter63

> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


Apparently.........

----------


## Rick

Cooter and Stan were fishing. Cooter said.

"I recon' I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't said a word to me in 2 months." 

To which Stan replied. 

"Better think about that, Cooter. A good woman like that is hard to find."

----------


## Rick

Here's a couple for you. 

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----------


## crashdive123

Sunday Morning Sex 

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,


"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!

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## crashdive123

Grandma Jones is driving along on her way home from church one fine Sunday morning when she spots a police car in her rear view mirror,  the patrol car is following her with it's flashing red and blue lights on and it's siren wailing,  Gram pulls over for the officer and he pulls in right behind her.

A few seconds later the officer is at her driver side window, she asks is there something wrong officer,  he replies yes Mam,  you were speeding,  I'll have to see your drivers license,  well she says, I'd like to show it to you, but I don't have one,  why not he asks,  she tells him I lost it a few years ago after four drunk driving arrests,  well how about your registration certificate he asks,  well sir,  the car isn't mine,  who does the car belong to Mam,  she replies, I don't know the owners name, I stole the car officer,  I killed the owner and chopped him up into pieces, put the pieces in trash bags,  he's in the trunk if you want to look.

The officer is stunned,  he steps back from the car and calls for back up,  a few minutes later five police cars show up and box in the old lady's car,  the senior officer then approaches her car slowly with his hand on his half drawn service pistol,  he asks the old lady to step out of the car and put her hands on the hood of the car,  he says, my officer tells me that you stole this car, that you killed the owner and have his body in the trunk,  well she says, take a look,  the officer opens the trunk and lifts the lid on a perfectly clean storage compartment.

He then says, my officer also said you didn't have a valid license to drive,  is that right,  the old lady then slowly pulls a card carrier out of her purse and hands the senior officer her valid drivers license and says the car is hers and the registration is in the glove box,  the first officers jaw drops in disbelief,  but, says the senior officer,  my officer said,  the old lady chimes in in an aggravated tone,  well,  it seems he told you allot of things, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding as well.

----------


## hunter63

LOL....
I was gonna put this in the survival thread.....but that been kinda over done....

So, with dat in mind....

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." 

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." 

They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" 

The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

.

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## Alalalyn

Hi  :Wavey:

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## Alalalyn

Two kids are talking.
- My dad works twelve hours a day, so that I can have a comfortable home and decent clothes. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. However, I can not relax from all the worry.
- But you are living a fairytale life! What are you so worry about?
- Well, what if they try to escape?

----------


## Rick

What is red and white, red and white, red and white? 






Santa Claus rolling off your roof.

----------


## hunter63

According to a news report, a certain Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.

 A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day .... the girls would put them back. 

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. 
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).; 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers...... And then there are educators!"

----------


## alaskabushman

Having been a maintenance man for several years myself...the struggle is real.

----------


## WalkingTree



----------


## hunter63

Don't know if this a joke or real advice......But have to agree...

> TOAST WITH A GLASS OF WINE
> 
> TO MY FRIENDS WHO ENJOY A GLASS OF WINE AND THOSE WHO DON'T AND
> ARE ALWAYS SEEN WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER IN THEIR HAND:
> 
> AS BEN FRANKLIN SAID: IN WINE THERE IS WISDOM, IN BEER THERE IS
> FREEDOM, IN WATER THERE IS BACTERIA.
> 
> IN A NUMBER OF CAREFULLY CONTROLLED TRIALS, SCIENTISTS HAVE
> DEMONSTRATED THAT IF WE DRINK 1 LITER OF WATER EACH DAY, AT THE END OF
> THE YEAR WE WOULD HAVE ABSORBED MORE THAN 1 KILO OF ESCHERICHIA COLI,
> (E. COLI) - BACTERIA FOUND IN FECES. IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE CONSUMING
> 1 KILO OF POOP ANNUALLY.
> 
> HOWEVER, WE DO NOT RUN THAT RISK WHEN DRINKING WINE & BEER (OR RUM,
> WHISKEY OR OTHER LIQUOR) BECAUSE ALCOHOL HAS TO GO THROUGH A
> PURIFICATION PROCESS OF BOILING, FILTERING AND FERMENTING.
> 
> REMEMBER: WATER = POOP, WINE = HEALTH. THEREFORE, IT'S BETTER TO
> DRINK WINE AND TALK STUPID THAN TO DRINK WATER AND BE FULL OF SHIP.

----------


## alaskabushman

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I couldn't help myself.

----------


## hunter63

I called an old college buddy and asked what he was doing. 

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, 
aluminum and steel under a constrained environment." 

I was impressed... 
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

----------


## crashdive123

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----------


## Wildthang

What do you get when you mix Rogain and Viagra?

Paige down!




Wait for it!





You know you want to know!





It's kinda funny!






Here we go!







Answer: Don King hair!

----------


## hunter63

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----------


## WalkingTree

This is my hair. I do what I want with this hair. I wash this hair, I brush this hair. *I mess this hair up if I want to mess this hair up.*

----------


## Durtyoleman

A giant rabbit died on a United flight.
One man is suspected of foul play.
We tried to reach him for comment but he's being vewy vewy qwiet.

----------


## Rick

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later theres a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: What the heck was that all about?

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## Wise Old Owl

Was he delivering Snail Mail?

----------


## Wise Old Owl



----------


## crashdive123

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia ."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Georgia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

----------


## WalkingTree



----------


## Durtyoleman

My wife wanted to role-play "doctor and patient"
But things went south very quickly when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietician..."

----------


## hunter63

Made me laugh....

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Stole from
http://tumblr.tastefullyoffensive.co...e/161173411328

----------


## Durtyoleman

Four guys, Jim, Gary, Bob, and John went camping and they had two tents  to share. The second morning Gary was still asleep as the other three were gathered at the fire drinking coffee. The two men looked at Jim and said he looked terrible. Jim said, "Gary was snoring and tossing and talking in his sleep...I didn't get five minutes of sleep." He managed to talk Bob into swapping tents with him that night. The following morning Bob was already at the campfire with coffee made as the men awakened and again Gary slept in. He too looked horrible and complained about Gary's horrible night habits. After some arguing and threats John agreed to take a night in that tent. The following morning the men awoke to see Gary looking miserable at the fire and John looking fresh as a daisy. They pulled him aside and asked what happened how he managed to get any sleep ... He replied, I crawled into the tent beside Gary and kissed his cheek, slapped his butt, And HE stayed up all night watching me sleep.

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## BENESSE

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean almost?' 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.'

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## crashdive123

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## hunter63

LOL....Kinda like ..."I'll only do it a little bit...."

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## crashdive123

Almost like one of my favorites.


A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. 

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. 

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" 

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

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## WalkingTree

Ok, the most random and pointless vid popped up on my youtube. Who knows why, but I watched it. Now I'm posting it here and there, because I'm surprised at how it made me bust a gut, at how outrageous it is. For the full laugh effect, you need to watch the full video to observe the evolution of events properly.




Maybe you can imagine that it's the brain of someone trying to think about something really hard and can't figure it out.

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## hunter63

> Ok, the most random and pointless vid popped up on my youtube. Who knows why, but I watched it. Now I'm posting it here and there, because I'm surprised at how it made me bust a gut, at how outrageous it is. For the full laugh effect, you need to watch the full video to observe the evolution of events properly.
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe you can imagine that it's the brain of someone trying to think about something really hard and can't figure it out.


Man, I glad  they showed that asa a Whirlpool.........I was waiting to it to "transform back in to the Maytag man...... all beat up.

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## WalkingTree

It's a he...how do you know...don't worry about it. Haha!!

I go on a date, and get to her house, and see that her washer or dryer is old and jumps around a bit, and mention that she ought to get a new one or get it fixed...and she says that she doesn't want to. I go hhmm...


Ok, here's another. YouTube won't stop giving 'em to me now.




The things some people do when drunk, I swear. Only white people, I bet...

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## Rollicks

This thing cracks me up!

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## WalkingTree

Heck yea!! That's awesome! Plucking a chicken is a pain in the butt. Not anymore. That's *nice.*

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## Rick

No animals were harmed in the making of the video.

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## hunter63

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http://www.gocomics.com/poochcafe/

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## WalkingTree

Stumbled on this. Guess it can go here.

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## Durtyoleman

My wife got a mud-pack for her complexion, and looked great for two days...
Then the mud fell off.

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## hajta

Hahaha, sooooo good man  :Big Grin:  Thanks!

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## Durtyoleman

A Woman gets out of her Prius, walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy drinking a beer.

Woman: I see you drink beer.

Man: Yup

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay for each beer?

Man: About $5.00 including the tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: Maybe 20 years, I guess.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

So in one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Yup.

Woman: For each year that you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Yup.

Woman: Did you know that if you didnt drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Wheres your Ferrari?

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## hunter63

Ain't that the truth...............

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## Durtyoleman

After a ****-Hit-The-Fan scenario I realized I desperately needed to take a survival course and immediately signed up...It's titled 

Marriage...week 2 and beyond

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## hunter63

Fall driving safety.
It's that time of years again.....be sure to call you state officials and get those deer crossing signs moved to a safer place.

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## crashdive123

I shake my head in disbelief and laugh out loud every time I hear that.

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## hunter63

> I shake my head in disbelief and laugh out loud every time I hear that.


The local stations bring it up every year....sorta a public service letting people deer are in rut, go nuts and do some real damage....

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## Durtyoleman

Next time you go on a Roller coaster 
take some spare bolts with you and as the coaster climbs the steep hill, tap the guy in front of you on the shoulder and say "Hey, these just fell out from under your seat"... then sit back and enjoy your ride.

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## Durtyoleman

A Priest was passing a group of us young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask us what we were doing.

"Nothing much Father" we said. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their s e x life."

"I'm shocked!" said the pastor "When I was your age, I never even thought about s e x."

We all looked at each other for a moment, then said in unison, "You win!"

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## WalkingTree

> Fall driving safety.
> It's that time of years again.....be sure to call you state officials and get those deer crossing signs moved to a safer place.


Oh...my...god. She has *got* to be kidding.

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## Durtyoleman

A robber held up a stagecoach in the Old West. 
He snarled: "If you don't hand over all your money, I'll shoot the men and molest the women."
A gentleman passenger stepped forward and said bravely, "You shall not touch the ladies."
Hearing this, an elderly woman passenger yelled out, "You leave him alone - HE'S robbing this stagecoach!"

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## hunter63

> A robber held up a stagecoach in the Old West. 
> He snarled: "If you don't hand over all your money, I'll shoot the men and molest the women."
> A gentleman passenger stepped forward and said bravely, "You shall not touch the ladies."
> Hearing this, an elderly woman passenger yelled out, "You leave him alone - HE'S robbing this stagecoach!"


LOL....There was a "Granny" cartoon in Playboy Magazine...a long time ago.....
Granny standing there half dressed....with her hands on her hips...
Robber says.."Honest lady we don't want to violate the women...we just want to rob the durn stage.....

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## Durtyoleman

I can see him giving the cash back just to get away.

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## Durtyoleman

Q. What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?


A. I'll never do that for five bucks again.

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## hunter63

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

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## JohnLeePettimore

> ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?


Not when you include Utah.

Here's one:

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Probably old, but i just heard it yesterday.

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## hunter63

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. 

I gave him a glass of water.

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## Durtyoleman

Once while fishin' the flats in the Gulf, I got caught by the game and fisheries warden with a snook when I had forgotten to get a snook stamp. So I explained that it was a pet snook that I took out for a swim each night and when it was time to go home I just whistled and he would jump back in the boat. 

The man looked incredulous and called me a liar. "Just watch," I said and tossed the snook into the water. 

We sat there for a minute and he said, "Why ain't you whistlin' for your fish?"

"What fish?" I asked....

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## Durtyoleman

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?


Two, we had to take turns, and that bulb must have been ---THIISSS BIIIG----!

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## Rick

It's about that time of year. So.....

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## WalkingTree

hahahahaha!!!!!

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## BENESSE

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## Rick

Buhahahahaha. Now that right there is funny. It's all about priorities.

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## Durtyoleman

I don't understand why women like cats...

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. They want attention and touching on their own terms... In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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## Durtyoleman

Mary's 86 year old grandmother, after yet another five thousand dollar gift from her granddaughter, asked where she gets all her money. Mary sheepishly admits she does p0rn0graphy to which her grandmother exploded, "Oh thank God, I thought you were going to say you had disgraced the family and gone into law!"

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## BENESSE

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## madmax

Hahaha!  Oh man, I spit out some beer.

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## Pack_07

God, next time he should try a mood braclet  :Big Grin:

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## crashdive123

A CNN reporter walks into a neighborhood tavern and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat. It didn't take an Einstein to know the guy was a Donald Trump supporter.

The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, "drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for that Trump supporter."

After the drinks were handed out the Trump guy gives the CNN guy a big smile, waves at him and says, in an equally loud voice, "thank you!"

This infuriates the CNN reporter. So he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the guy wearing the Trump hat. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Trump guy. He just continues to smile and again yells, "thank you!"

So the CNN guy again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the trump guy. And again the Trump guy just smiles and yells back, "thank you!"

At that point the aggravated CNN reporter asks the bartender, "what the hell is the matter with that trump supporter? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly *** does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "he owns the place."

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## BENESSE

@Crash; That's a good one. Love!

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## chiggersngrits

Best survival advise ever:

    If you get lost in the woods,
    Find a possum and follow it,
    You will be in the middle of the road in no time.

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## Rick

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## natertot

Where do terrorists go when they die?

EVERYWHERE!

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## Sammy00

I know another joke. It's a bit stereotypical, but it's still funny to me) There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

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## crashdive123

Teacher:  Little Johnny, you look sad.  What's wrong?

Little Johnny:  I saw a dead cat on my way to school.

Teacher:  How do youknow it was dead?

Little Johnny:  I pissed in its ear and it didn't move.

Teacher:  (a little disturbed)  Johnny!!!  Please explain yourself!

Little Johnny:  I saw the cat and it wasn't moving.  I bent over, close to his ear and went Pssssst!  He didn't move.

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## BENESSE

An old one stands the test of time:

A street walker comes up to a guy and says, I'll do anything for 50 bucks. 
He says, sure, paint my house.

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