# Survival > Survival Kits & Survival Products >  Can you beat this one?

## Catfish

So I hang out on a mountain biking forum.  It's pretty active, with members from all round the world and there are literally hundreds of threads on every topic under the sun - many of them not related to mountain biking.

Recently, some twit started a thread asking for recommendations on which knife to buy (sound familiar?)  :Smile: .  His scenario was that he regularly rode his bike through a sketchy neighborhood and some of the "shady looking characters" had been "looking at him funny."  So he wanted a knife in order to defend himself and his bike should they get too close.  He also told us that he _had_ to ride his bike through the neighborhood because he wasn't old enough to drive.   :EEK!: 

Fortunately, most of the responses were along the lines of "Don't even think about buying a knife" and "If you really believe you're in danger, stop riding through that neighborhood" or "Please learn the legal implications of what you're proposing".

But, before too long, the Rambo types showed up and began posting pictures of the "Survival Knife" they carry "everywhere they go."  You can guess the type of thing they were talking about.  Hollow handles, saw blade edges, "Lest we forget" 9/11 tributes engraved on the blade, that sort of thing.

There were also lots of war stories, mostly beginning with something like "I was once at a convenience store in a really bad neighborhood at 3 in the morning and these illegal immigrant types were ahead of me in line.  They just bought coffee and left but I sure am glad I had my Bowie knife in my backpack..."

But my favorite was the guy who bragged that he carried a Swiss Army Knife everywhere he goes.  No problem there, I carry one myself but get this:  The clown was firmly convinced that by having a Swiss Army Knife in his saddlebag, he was now fully protected from everything.  Bears, mountain lions, street thugs, the lot.  He actually claimed "No matter what my environment, I have no fear because I'm fully prepared to defend myself and my property."

Yep, I'm sure a mountain lion, bear or biker gang will think twice before bothering a lycra-clad yuppie once they see him brandishing a nail file.   :Big Grin: 

So...can anyone top that one?

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## Rick

I don't know about topping it but the wife and I were out hiking this afternoon looking for some paw paw trees when we passed another couple. The guy had on a pair of shorts and strapped to his right leg was a knife that ran from his ankle to his knee! Yeah, hollow handle, round silver knob on top. I thought it was cute. It sort of looked like a leg brace, which could give you a leg up (oh, what a pun!) on the enemy. 

As for the Swiss Army Knife. Yeah, I feel the same way. Haven't you ever heard the story of the lion with a thorn in his paw? Always be prepared! Tweezers could save your life!

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## Fargus

The plastic toothpick could give someone a nasty poke in the eye. A well timed attack with the scissors might be a devastating assault on overgrown nose hairs of an opponent. Never doubt the mighty defensive and offensive powers of an SAK.

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## Rick

And what is that mountain lion going to do with no whiskers? Huh? Go home whimpering, that's what!

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## sobeit

I know a guy who once killed a bear with a swiss army knife. It chocked on the knife but the guy didn't make it.

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## Rick

I assume the knife was still in the guy's pocket when the bear choked on it, right? :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

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## sobeit

I thank so

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## Fargus

You can also give an attacking bear or mountain lion a brutal poodle cut and make it the laughingstock of the forest. Within a few days it will die of embarrassment.

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## Rick

Now that there is funny I don't care who you are. God bless them little pygmies down in New Zealand!

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## sobeit

just don't lose your drivers license while doing so it may track you down and give you one.

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## klkak

When the first Rambo movie came out I thought I'd like to have a copy of the knife for my collection. So I wrote a letter to the knife maker and ordered one. Several months later it arrived in the mail. I told my neighbor about it and how much it cost. He laughed and said I got ripped off. He had bought one for only $20 or something like that. I sent him to get his knife and I went and got mine. He came out with one of those knives that used to be advertised on the back of magazines, 5" blade with bottle opener and golf ball sized pommel with a compass. I said "Wow, interesting knife" then I showed him my hand made copy of the original. He still insisted that his was the real thing cause it was black and mine wasn't even though I told him I asked that it be left shinney......, "some peoples children"!

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## dilligaf2u2

We have all met them. The guys that think they have the right stuff.

One such bit of fluff I ran into showed off his latest and greatest toy to a group of Rambo want to be's. He was saying he was ready for everything. I asked him if he would bet on my being able to take his knife from him? Of course her was. Without a bit of warning I dropped down into a crouch and straight armed him where it would do me the most good. I picked up his knife off the ground where it lay next to him and thanked him for the knife! 

I think it shocked those want to be's, listening to him run off at the mouth, more then it did him! Then again he was busy holding onto his family jewels and crying, to pay much attention. 

Don

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## Rick

Let's see, what lessons were learned there? 

1. Never bet a man at his own game. Check
2. Never take your eyes off your opponent. Check
3. Never under estimate and old (older) man. Check
4. Listen much, speak seldom. Check
5. Wear a cup when you're around Don. Check

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## trax

I've always wanted to see the knife fight where the guy whips out his Swiss Army knife and yells "hah!" and finds himself brandishing a soup spoon in front of his opponent. Imagine being the guy with the actual knife...(eyes pop open) Oh my God! He's going to Eat me..." That oughta scare him off.

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## Sarge47

> I've always wanted to see the knife fight where the guy whips out his Swiss Army knife and yells "hah!" and finds himself brandishing a soup spoon in front of his opponent. Imagine being the guy with the actual knife...(eyes pop open) Oh my God! He's going to Eat me..." That oughta scare him off.


Real Swiss Army Knives don't have "soup spoons", but how about the magnifying glass?  you could threaten to set the dude on fire.  "Now, hold really, really still for about an hour, Ok?"

I really did kill a bear with my Swiss Army Knife! (BS alert! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic): )  A huge Kodiak bear once came charging at me.  I whipped out "l'il Susie" (my name for my knife.) & waved it in the air, yelling at the top of my lungs in my best "Sly Stallone" voice from the "Rocky" movies:  "You ain't so bad!"  The bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood up on his hind legs and began laughing.  He laughed so hard he was holding his stomach with his fore paws & tears were running down his face.  Finally he fell to the ground laughing until he died. :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):   Ever since then all of the other bears steer clear of me.  I've heard them whispering to each other that no one had made any of them laugh that hard except the one human who showed up in a "Twinkie" suit.... :Big Grin:

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## klkak

Trax, I just blew coffee out my nose on that one...lol

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## Beo

WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! I can beat it....

Adrian: This October my friend and I are going to walk in the Northern Manitoba Wilderness with nothing but what we are wearing and a knife. We will not be bringing any lighter, food, or supplies. Neither of us know a lot about wild foods. I would love some suggestions for food seeing as 30 days is a long time to eat the same thing. By the way we will be posting video of our experiences every day so everyone can watch us while we are there. Our website is www.*************.com Thanks for any information you can give me.

See told ya I could beat it  :Big Grin:

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## Sarge47

> WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! I can beat it....
> 
> Adrian: This October my friend and I are going to walk in the Northern Manitoba Wilderness with nothing but what we are wearing and a knife. We will not be bringing any lighter, food, or supplies. Neither of us know a lot about wild foods. I would love some suggestions for food seeing as 30 days is a long time to eat the same thing. By the way we will be posting video of our experiences every day so everyone can watch us while we are there. Our website is www.*************.com Thanks for any information you can give me.
> 
> See told ya I could beat it


I concede! I concede!  That beat mine hands down as mine was total BS; Adrian's post was serious. :EEK!:   You win Beo! :Big Grin:

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## Sarge47

(this came from the banner ad at the top of the page.)  Who wants the "Real Deal" on a Rambo Knife?  Check this out:

http://www.mastercutlery.com/rambo/?...FQS7sgodBFGxfw

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## crashdive123

> I've always wanted to see the knife fight where the guy whips out his Swiss Army knife and yells "hah!" and finds himself brandishing a soup spoon in front of his opponent. Imagine being the guy with the actual knife...(eyes pop open) Oh my God! He's going to Eat me..." That oughta scare him off.


Too funny.  If you're gonna pull a soup spoon out though, make sure your opponent doesn't have one of these.

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## trax

One of these what crash?

a) real big knife

b) snappy looking hat

c) no talent actress girlfriend standing next to you....

we need details man

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## Rick

I vote for the hat. You can find uses for the knife and the no talent girl friend but the hat is so '80s.

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## crashdive123

Which ever will keep you from getting spooned.  After all this is survival man - gotta look at all your options.

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## trax

right, through girl at 'em and run away screaming, Keep knife for real emergencies.

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## nell67

Trax,you really wouldn't throw me at some freak with a giant knife,would ya?? :EEK!:   :Big Grin:

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## trax

soup spoon.

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## nell67

Ok,you ain't gonna throw me at the freak witht the soup spoon,are ya??? :EEK!:

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## trax

no honey, you're not a no talent actress, if you were there I'd have to throw the hat (which would be a shame because you know..the 80's are gonna make a comeback Rick)

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## nell67

Thanx baby,I knew you wouldn't :Big Grin: ,and yep the 80's were cool,parachute pants anyone??

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## trax

naw, I hate it when I jump out of a plane and my pants don't open.

(I know, that statement is just so wrong in so many ways, and I'm sure I'm going to hear about all of them, LOL)

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## nell67

> naw, I hate it when I jump out of a plane and my pants don't open.
> 
> (I know, that statement is just so wrong in so many ways, and I'm sure I'm going to hear about all of them, LOL)


 ROTFLMAO!!! I think I'll keep my mouth shut on that one...... :Big Grin:

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## crashdive123

Some things are just better left to the imagination and should remain unsaid.

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## Catfish

I believe I've managed to track down and destroy all the photographs taken of me during that dark period of history.  But still, I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat, all from the fear that there may be one...out there...waiting to destroy everything I've worked for.

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## crashdive123

I thought I had gotten rid of all of em too....until one day I walked into the post office.

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## Catfish

> I thought I had gotten rid of all of em too....until one day I walked into the post office.


 :Big Grin:   That's up there with finding your own phone number on the wall of a public restroom.

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## canid

trax you know full well it's still 1986 in any parts of australia.

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## sobeit

> I thought I had gotten rid of all of em too....until one day I walked into the post office.


I know my mom hid all my year books so i coudent get rid of them now she shows them to aney one she can. :EEK!:

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## Rick

Yes. It was an afro. A huge hideous afro. But that was before the 80's when rainbows followed me around.

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## Nichov

You guys must have improvised stills... because you were definately all drunk on this thread!

(did you ever think of alchohol as a trade item in a collapsed, survivalist economy?)

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## nell67

> You guys must have improvised stills... because you were definately all drunk on this thread!
> 
> (did you ever think of alchohol as a trade item in a collapsed, survivalist economy?)


It's been mentioned once or twice...

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## Rick

Nichov - Sir, I'll have you know that being drunk before 10:00 a.m. is a requirement on this forum. To be a moderator you have to be drunk before 8:00 a.m. Admins never sober up.

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## nell67

Rick,it's 6:59,you got some catching up to do,I'm way ahead of you already! (hiccup)

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## Jay

> Nichov - Sir, I'll have you know that being drunk before 10:00 a.m. is a requirement on this forum. To be a moderator you have to be drunk before 8:00 a.m. Admins never sober up.


Ooooooooooooooh...I finally see the light!  I knew there was something I liked about this forum!.....and Rick!

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## trax

> You guys must have improvised stills... because you were definately all drunk on this thread!
> 
> (did you ever think of alchohol as a trade item in a collapsed, survivalist economy?)


I always thought of it more as a "_I'm going to have to kill those people for their booze"_ in a collapsed, survivalist economy. Survival of the most desperate......

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## Beo

A collapsed, survivalist economy. The dollar is worth $0.00 
A group of pilaging & looting Johnny Butterbutts. $100,000 dollars damage.
Beating the snot outta a group of pilaging & looting Johnny Butterbutts for Vodka... $Priceless  :Big Grin:

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## Proud American

:Big Grin: Heres a real idiot right here, realy long though....

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

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## trax

That was awesome Proud, laughed my butt off thanks for posting it  :Big Grin:

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## crashdive123

After reading the saga of the mall ninjas, and after wiping the coffee that spewed from my nose onto my monitor, I've got to find that forum.  Laughs like that don't always come that easy.

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## crashdive123

OMG - this is priceless.  ROTFLMAO http://9x19mm.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=14

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## trax

oh that is too good. I made the mistake of taking a shot of water while I was reading, now it's all over the monitor. You all have to check that link, that is hilarious stuff.

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## crashdive123

...and did you know that mall security (those little kids can be evil) pays 100K a year?  http://www.myspace.com/tacticalsecurityenforcer

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## trax

Well it should, I mean between the shoplifters and the terrorists.....  and I'm so glad to learn that Erik Estrada is one of his heroes, just seems to put everything into it's proper perspective.

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## crashdive123

I'm Gecko45 - I'm in charge of mall security here - move along, move along.

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## Proud American

Glad you guys liked it when I sall no one had posted i thought he great length had intimidated some and I had killed the thread( wipes the sweat off forhead in relief). 

Also is that realy him in the new forum.He is such any idiot. I love the I need three layers of body armor to stop those crazy Crips (who live in LA by the way Gecko45). And if the goin gets ruff I can wip out my concealed stinger from my armored golf cart. LOL what an idiot.

I love his story on how he became famous, saved the mayors daughter lol.

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## crashdive123

Google Gecko45 - you get a lot of hits.

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## laughing beetle

wow!  someone was mocking the hell out of somebody!  LOL

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## Rick

You guys should really be ashamed. I worked the same high risk profession before I was promoted to Moderator. At my peak, I was able to lay, concealed, inside the mall fountain for over 30 minutes. I had a special camo underwater suit that looked like pocket change. Very effective!! And I'll bet none of you have seen me camouflaged among the plants! Sadly, a terrible accident forced me into a desk job. While responding to a Code 613 (juvenile gang banger with a FA M4 that just shoplifted a summer sausage from Hickory Farms) (Yeah, we're that specialized in our codes as well) I tripped going down the escalator and fell for an hour and a half. It was brutal.

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## Sarge47

I did the same thing; just like Rick, but one day a 98 year old "Bag-Lady" who was sleeping in an out-of-the-way spot in the Mall beat the crap outta me when I tried to roust her. :EEK!:   I whipped out a LOV Rocket launcher, a flame-thrower, & several Grenades...but her breath caused me to pass out...I was subsequently fired for poor performance, however they DID hire the Bag-Lady! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

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## sobeit

I worked at that mall but my career was cut short when I was attacked by a thug with a Chinese fighting cinibun. The wound healed but the scar still remains.

By the way that was one of the funniest things I have ever read,

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## crashdive123

:EEK!:  :Big Grin: So - Sobeit.  Do you have nightmares? :EEK!:  :Big Grin: 

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## sobeit

> So - Sobeit.  Do you have nightmares?
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:

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## erunkiswldrnssurvival

my best knives barely fill the palm of my hand, i'm a stone hunter, stone and bone knives are small but fierce. bigger is not better,when just the right thing does the lob.

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## Rick

It seems things always happen when you least expect it. This was a Saturday night about 10:30. The regular stores had closed and only the theater was still open. Even it would be closed in an hour. A few folks were lingering near the door waiting for rides while those of us in security were making our final rounds for the night. 

Lt. Commander Jenkins was in the control room

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Sgt. Willings was patrolling the parking lot

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Ronnie was keeping an eye on the Party Hearty store (it was still open). 

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While Bill was making his final rounds in the maintenance area.

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I had no way of knowing it but I was about to face one of my toughest challenges as a Security Mall Trooper. 

I had just turned the corner of the hallway leading to the bathrooms when I was confronted with one of the worst scenes I've ever witnessed. A dead body, brutally killed, lay sprawled near an overflowing trashcan. It was hideous. Oh, I knew what this was. I'd heard about it, even been trained in case it happened but nothing, NOTHING, could have prepared me for what I now faced. 

As luck would have it, a lone pair of footsteps led away from the carnage. Unbeknown (I've always wanted to use that word) to the killer he had walked through the life blood that oozed from the body leaving an easy trail to follow. 

In accordance with my training, I radioed in but something must have been wrong with my radio that night because no one responded. I took a deep breath, pulled my metal detecting wand from its holster and flipped the switch on. The green power light glowed in the dimly lit hallway. I knew that whoever did this was probably high.  I knelt down and touched two fingers into the red liquid and lightly placed them against my lips. Jelly! A sugar high from what I could tell. Only a crazed maniac would mangle a jelly doughnut so badly then toss it aside without so much as a second thought. 

I knew the tracks would lead me no where. They were headed straight for the emergency exit. I was filled with so much emotion. Anger at such wanton destruction and yet I was relieved that I didn't have to tangle with this mad man. I'll never forget that night, though. The night the Jelly Doughnut died.

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## laughing beetle

Rotflmao!!!:d:d:d

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## erunkiswldrnssurvival

> Too funny.  If you're gonna pull a soup spoon out though, make sure your opponent doesn't have one of these.
> 
> Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.


iF YOU CAN GET A SPLINTER OFF OF A BIRCH TREE... THE INDIAN JAVOLIN REACHES OUT THERE AND TOUCHES SOMEONE.

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## crashdive123

Rick - you've outdone yourself with that one.

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## nell67

Oh man that was good Rick,very good!!!!

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## Riverrat

Glad I finished the coffie before reading....good one rick, lol.

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## trax

Rick, what can I say? wow. Such courage under fire, don't malls have some manner of medal for men who show the courage you did that night? You're certainly deserving. I don't think _hero_ is too strong a word...excuse me....(promised myself I wouldn't cry  <<sniffle>>)

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## Rick

I received the Floating Flotsam award. It the highest recognition you can receive without being recognized. A lot of our work is undercover you know, so we have to keep a low profile.

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## crashdive123

Have you heard the scuttlebutt?  Rick was given the Floating Flotsum Award.  Can you believe it?  Rick!

Yep.  Heard he took down a real bad apple the other night.......well apple - cinnamon - something.  Whatever it was, I heard it was rough.

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## erunkiswldrnssurvival

cinn-a-bunn security , after a few of thoes I could sleep on a bed nails

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## sobeit

Rember Cinn-a Bunns are all good fun untill someone get's hurt.

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## Rick

All I can say is....so-be-it.

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## Sarge47

I remember reading about that.  They wrote that a security guard with a metal-detecting wand got an award for something.  There was a picture of the guy receiving it wearing this large Twinkie suit.... :EEK!:  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):  :Big Grin:  :Cool:

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## Proud American

That was AMAZING :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:  :Big Grin:

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## catfish10101

> You guys must have improvised stills... because you were definately all drunk on this thread!
> 
> (did you ever think of alchohol as a trade item in a collapsed, survivalist economy?)


Trade item? I think not!!! I can think of other uses for it though. :Big Grin:

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